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Funny

      Write a story in which a certain food makes your character travel back in time.

           The olfactory nerve goes strait to the brain. I love traditional foods and trying new foods. See, I haven't had physical sex in fifteen years. There's an expression with animals. If you neuter them, they'll spend less time on the ass and more time on the grass, though dogs still fuck each other after they've been neutered or spayed. Remember Bob Barker? But, like animals, I have sex with myself, but food is my new passion. I love chewy foods like rare ribeye, snail, gummy bears, octopus, etc. I also like sweet foods. See, I'm lactose intolerant, but there's meds for that. I love the smell and taste of traditional foods and new foods. Remember the film Ratitue, where the mouse cooks a simple dish that brings back memories for the food critic? 

           See, food creates memories and brings memories back. When I was in Israel, they sold cow brains on the market. I didn't buy it at the time, but wish I had. “It's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do, ”RHCP. Again, food brings back memories; See, one time my family was celebrating Passover and I was young and my parents let me and my sister have real Manichevez wine. I loved the buzz I got, I loved the sweetness. It was an escape. See, I could run away from reality because I was semi-drunk. 

           There's also the memories of matzo ball soup made by hand by my mother. She added the right amount of salt to the soup. She also made home made challah with raisins. It was delicious, but the house would have the smell of baked bread, which is a soparific smell. With challah, you have to make sure the measurements are correct and make sure everything is timed. Otherwise, the challah will rise too much. Remember when she said the prayer over the candles, waved her hand over the candles, covered her face, and said a prayer. She also put on a towel over her head. For some reason, the men wore kepot, and the women put towels on their heads. Weird.  We'd all make friendly bets on which candle would burn out first. No money, just for fun. 

           There were also Thanksgiving dinners. My mom made everything by hand. It was delicious. For example, she would make pumpkin pie, but instead of buying a premade crust, she's make the crusts herself. And, there were different people with different dietary needs. See, a friend of ours is diabetic and needs pumpkin pie without a crust and she'd make an additional cake just for him. That man is still a friend of mine. He loved my mom's cooking, too. He'd put his car on a train and take the train to my parents' house every year. He loved trains. Not sure why, but different strokes for different folks. And, we'd tell each other the same stories and jokes every year. When my grandpa was alive, his jokes were always groaners. Like, 'This woman has only one leg and she applies for a job at Hooters. Then, one of the fellow waitresses says to her, “No, no, sweetheart. See, this place hires women with big boobs, but there's a restaurant which hires people who have one leg, you know what it's called? IHOP”. Those kind'a jokes. 

           But, it wasn't just about the food or the smells, but about the people we were eating with. See, you can have the same meal, but if you're arguing with each other, then the food doesn't taste as good. There were also cranberry sauses with and without the bits of cranberry in it. See, I also had a girlfriend who was an exceptional cook. She was Polish. What she'd do is she'd put her food into a crock pot and let it cook for four to eight hours. The meat was soft, chewy, but cooked through. 

           I almost forgot to mention my girlfriend and my dog, Fluffy. See, I wanted someone who I could put all my love into when I was lonely, which is why I got a dog, but the dog was a wreck, until she came along. He'd do things like whine all day when I was away, dig up the carpet when I went to dinner. I trained him to sit, beg, give his paw, roll over, nod yes, and shack no. But, he was lonely, so she gave him mommy love, treats, and loved him the way he needed to be loved instead of forcing him to love her and he wound up loving her more and becoming sane. He just needed some Mommy love.  

           But, there was the sixteenth of every month. See, on the sixteenth, Fluffy had to get his flea/heartworm pill and no dog likes that. One time, it was early and I was forcing this pill down Fluffy's throat and she came and asked what I was doing to Fluffy. It took her about two years, but she figured out if she put the pill in chicken soup, he'd enjoy eating it and it worked. She also gave him more meat than I did, which is another reason she loved him more, but he was a great dog. He's protect her at any cost. Like once we went to a dog beach and Fluffy didn't like water. He never liked water, but he played with the other dogs on the sand. So, the two of us decided to go swimming and Fluffy thought we were in trouble and swam into the ocean to try to save us. He was a little Chigi and there'd be nothing he could do, but she said to him, 'You'd take on the entire ocean for Mommy,” and he would. The ocean smells of salt. 

           Speaking of water, every month I'd give Fluffy a bath and one time I filled up the tub and put Fluffy in and Fluffy started screaming. Fluffy doesn't like water, but she came and asked him, 'What's Daddy doing to you this time?' and I told her he was just getting a bath, but she felt the water and it was too hot for him. She took him out and adjusted the temperature and he was fine. She always tested the temperature of his bath water after that. 

           And the people we had gotten Fluffy from said dogs could get bored, so to hide treats all over the house, then they could look for treats. So, I hid a treat under the cushion of the couch and once Fluffy sniffed and started digging into the couch and she asked him what he was doing. 'There's nothing down there.' And I told him he'd figure it out and I explained it to her and told her he was such a smart dog, so he'd figure it out. She said, 'Yea, he's a smart dog and you're an idiot'.n  

December 09, 2023 16:39

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