Thriller Crime Suspense

His baby blue eyes flashed with horror before the knife plunged into his chest. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he was gone. Pools of blood swam around his body.

 I felt shocked. My breathing quickened. Tears trickled down my face. My face, hands, my entire body drained of colour. I was frantic. The entire world was spinning around me. I had just seen a murder, and I just had to get away.

So I ran. I ran to my car, got inside, turned it on, and just drove home. IT made me run.

As I parked my car in the driveway, my hands were shaking, and I felt sick.

I went and had a long shower, scrubbing every memory of that man from my body and letting it wash down into the drain.

And I then got into clean clothes, the soft, clean, linen smell that I felt was soothing but in a way deliciously suffocating.

Then I made myself dinner and watched my usual 7:00pm show, which was on every day of the week.

After my usual show ended, I entered my room and slipped into my bed, turning out the lights.

My thoughts troubled me for a while, but I fell into a restless sleep, riddled with guilt.

I had horrific dreams, or flashes of scenes, like from a cinematic camera. Flashes of someone yielding a knife, and his eyes before the knife plunging into his chest. Then, a lifeless body being dragged. Blood was everywhere, and then I saw red liquid being washed away. I heard whispers, dark, urging me to kill. I awoke in that instance, panting, the world spinning again.

The next morning, I couldn’t keep sane. It was quiet, much too quiet. I was shaking, and the world around kept spinning. I just want IT to stop. Just STOP.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. I went to go open it, finding one of my few friends and neighbour there. I told her to come in. We went into the kitchen, but it was silent for a few minutes.

“So How’ll ya’ll been?” My friend asked in her thick Kentucky accent.

“I’m fine,” I said shortly, looking down.

“Aww, Come on! Tell me what’s got that frown upside down!” She replied in her annoying, peppy voice.

“I said I’m fine,” I muttered, fists clenched.

“Please? You can tell me any -

“Please? Will you please SHUT UP!” yelled at her. She was whimpering now. Pathetic.

I turned around, trying to breathe. But I couldn’t. The whispers, they wouldn’t stop; IT wouldn’t stop.

I had to make it stop. I wrapped my fingers around the knife before I even knew what I was doing, and suddenly she was gone too. And it felt good this time.

We spread the walls and floors with quite a bit of her blood. I trailed my finger along the blood on the wall. It was a dark red cherry colour and it smelt intoxicating. That smell drove me crazy. I wanted more. I dipped my finger in the blood again and again and again; I smelt it, and some I even licked some off.

And that’s when everything came together: I had killed the man. The man with the baby blue eyes. I had killed him. And I killed the girl with the Kentucky accent too. I lent down next to my friend. Her lifeless body was sprawled across the floor. She had a terrified look on her face, as if she had been frozen in time. I trailed a finger along her face; she was cold, freezing cold, in fact. And I left a kiss on her cheek. My red lipstick stained the spot on her pale skin. I got back on my feet and left her there, her blood covering the walls and floors, helpless. And I laughed at that thought.

So when police came to my door on a Saturday night, as I was enjoying my usual show, as they handcuffed me and read my rights and then driving me to the police station. I laughed once more. I told them all about how I killed the Kentucky girl and blue eye man. I told them how the man had begged on his knees for mercy, how he had a family at home to support. I described how the Kentucky girl had put up little fight, but whimpered like a pathetic dog would when they’d been kicked. I said that her blood and body were in the kitchen; I hadn’t bothered to clean the mess because I loved how the smell of my victim’s blood made me feel.

I was taken to a cell then, escorted by a guard. This cell provided nothing other than a toilet, a metal bed, some food, and a newspaper.

“You’re on the front cover,” said the guard to me gruffly, before pushing me inside the cell and locking it, standing right outside the door.

I sat down, looking at the newspaper, and there I was, a picture of me on the front cover.

A 25-year-old female whose identity is unknown has been charged for brutally stabbing a man, Matthew Douglas and her neighbour, Jessie Phillips, with a two-day gap. The police described the woman as a psychopath who thought killing people was "pleasurable" and it is said she is a mentally damaged woman, She will be sentenced to life in prison."

Once finished reading, the guard who was standing outside the cell, asked: “Did you do it?”

“No” I replied vaguely. “IT did it”

The guard was silent after that.

6 months later

I need IT to go away. It was too quiet, and it was killing me. All there was surrounding me was concrete and silence. The walls had small lines all over them, created by my fingernails, counting down the days until I die in this dark hole. I had tried countless times to get away, stabbing myself with a plastic fork., picking fights with the biggest men in here. At one point, I’d almost considering gouging my eye out. But now, right now, it was the only way. I had to get IT to go away, to leave me alone. I had created a rope from the little bedding I had, attaching it to the ceiling. And as I slid my head through the rope, you can imagine what happened next. I was gone, just like the blue eye man and Kentucky girl had been all those months ago. My body, lifeless, dangled from the ceiling, eyes closed as if I was sleeping, and my tears streaked down my face. The last thing I smelt was the blood from my victim’s body, stilled engraved into my fingernails.

IT was gone. And so was I.

Posted May 16, 2021
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13 likes 4 comments

Yolanda Wu
08:23 May 16, 2021

This was such an intriguing story! I love thriller stories that involve murder and an unhinged narrator. I especially liked the descriptions in the part where she kills the Kentucky girl, how she kisses her on the cheek, her lipstick leaving a red stain on her skin - I love the imagery of that. The ending was so eerie, and a little bit sad as well, despite the narrator having committed these crimes, I, as the reader was kind of swayed into feeling some sympathy for her.
It's a great story! I think what can make it better is a bit more a delve into the narrator's psyche and internal world. Maybe a bit more depth into what exactly IT is to her, and how it manifests. Especially in the beginning, I understand you were trying to go for a detached feeling with the short sentences and the one event following the other, but I think you could've shown that sense of detachment through one single action with a lot of depth, rather than many that just run on from each other.
But I think for a thriller story, the suspense was certainly there, and I loved the gory details. I was definitely on the edge of my seat. It was a short and hard-hitting story. My criticism is more to help you with future stories, rather than this specific one, because I think it's still a solid story the way it is. I hope to read more from you. Amazing work, Alice!

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Alice Clements
23:16 May 16, 2021

Thanks so much for your feedback, Yolanda! This may come as a surprise to you, but honestly, this is actually the first horror story I've ever written, because as much as I like reading it, It's not really my genre, although I have dabbled a little in the mystery genre.
My favourite part of the story was also the imagery of the narrator kissing the Kentucky girl on the cheek. My own reasoning for it was that, well, usually men would kiss a woman on the cheek, but this girl, she's a psychopath. She's not the stereotypical girl.
I also liked you picked up the detachment in the story. I did it because I wanted it to seem, to readers, that nothing really mattered to the narrator other than IT. That's also why I didn't name the woman, or any of the victims, to give off the illusion, that the narrator's world really only revolves around IT, and not even her own is as important as it.

But, looking back, I totally understand that should've balanced out the detachment a bit better, and also given a bit of information of IT. But overall I really wanted IT to still have a little mystery surrounding it, so that readers were still satisfied with the ending, but there were still some things that were unanswered.
I think, maybe in a few days or something, I might do a little editing, adjusting it and adding a few of your suggestions (which were wonderful) and making it a little bit more gory (I honestly didn't think there was enough) and maybe you could check back then, and see if it's improved? I'd be really grateful if you did! And, I would love it if you would check in regularly and read other stories that I'll be posting in the future, because I'll be writing quite few more stories here in the future.

Reply

Alice Clements
23:17 May 16, 2021

Thanks so much for your feedback, Yolanda! This may come as a surprise to you, but honestly, this is actually the first horror story I've ever written, because as much as I like reading it, It's not really my genre, although I have dabbled a little in the mystery genre.
My favourite part of the story was also the imagery of the narrator kissing the Kentucky girl on the cheek. My own reasoning for it was that, well, usually men would kiss a woman on the cheek, but this girl, she's a psychopath. She's not the stereotypical girl.
I also liked you picked up the detachment in the story. I did it because I wanted it to seem, to readers, that nothing really mattered to the narrator other than IT. That's also why I didn't name the woman, or any of the victims, to give off the illusion, that the narrator's world really only revolves around IT, and not even her own is as important as it.

But, looking back, I totally understand that should've balanced out the detachment a bit better, and also given a bit of information of IT. But overall I really wanted IT to still have a little mystery surrounding it, so that readers were still satisfied with the ending, but there were still some things that were unanswered.
I think, maybe in a few days or something, I might do a little editing, adjusting it and adding a few of your suggestions (which were wonderful) and making it a little bit more gory (I honestly didn't think there was enough) and maybe you could check back then, and see if it's improved? I'd be really grateful if you did! And, I would love it if you would check in regularly and read other stories that I'll be posting in the soon, because I'll be writing quite few more stories here in the future

Reply

Yolanda Wu
05:03 May 17, 2021

Yeah, I understand the whole mystery you wanted to have surrounding IT, I thought you did it really well! I would definitely read it again for sure after you've edited. Some more gory details would be great! Well done for your first horror story. :)

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