A Fish Tale

“Now I know how a pinball feels.” Joel shot his hands out this way and that.

“You do?”

“Yeah, no personal autonomy. Always reacting to this flipper, that bumper… and don’t forget gravity.”

“Gravity’s a bitch.” Keith laughed.

Joel Fitzhugh was talking to his father.

“And why do you feel this way, Joel?”

“Everything in my life. You and Silvana always nudging me in opposite directions… Work is demanding…”

“Work does that...” Amused, Keith had heard this before. “How is Silvana? Haven’t seen her.”

“Oh, we broke up. She left.”

“What! The wedding’s off? Why?”

“It was nothing.”

“It had to be something. You are great together.”

“She thought I lied too much.”

“Lie? Why do you lie?”

“Not so much lies as little jokes. No sense of humor.”

“Oh, those…”

“Nothing big. You know, creative. Playing with the facts. Hyperbole… Looking at things askew… It’s what I do…”

“You’ve always done that. You’re a master.” Keith grinned.

“Maybe my way of gaining control… Always feel like I’m reacting. I want to be the source, the cause…”

Most people didn’t think of Joel as a liar. Most people didn’t know him.

Those who knew him didn’t doubt his uneasy relationship with the truth.   

Lying made Joel famous. A journalist, he stated his analysis or predictions as if they were factual. By the time the truth came out, his fans had moved on to his next speculative hunch.

Joel’s soothsaying was accurate often enough that he gained renown as a kind of prophet. Those divinations were what they remembered.

Joel knew how to tell the truth. But he found people didn’t believe him. They bought his lies every time. Facts were mundane and boring to him.

Joel told Keith, “She left. I feel betrayed.”

“Don’t you love her?”

“I guess…”

“Don’t guess. Take control. Go after her. Prove your love. Win her back.” Keith put his arm over Joel’s shoulder. “Don’t let her go. You’re made for each other.”

Joel remembered their breakup.

Silvana said, “You want me to forget all your lies?”

“It wasn’t a big one. Nothing important…”

“Yes, one more, tiny lie. Just shy of infinity. What you had for breakfast.”

“Is this because your dad’s a politician?”

“You’re kidding. I don’t like your lying about him. But no.”

Joel insisted, “I don’t always lie.”

“Like when you’re asleep? Oh, right, you’re lying then too.”

“What about all the times I’m honest?”

“Let me think… there must be one.”

“Like when I say I love you. That’s a fact.”

“Right. But you think facts are boring.”

“Some are. Not that one.”

Silvana said, “You have a tick when you’re honest. You hesitate and look up to your left.”

Round and round they went. Joel couldn’t reason with her.

Before slamming the door she said, “Why should I trust you over any stranger in the street?”

Joel felt he couldn’t win. He went for a walk. His father was right about Silvana. She was amazing. They should be together.

But she didn’t like his lies. Big deal. He didn’t kill anyone.

Joel didn’t care about money or even Silvana’s beauty. He wanted her to trust him.

‘What about what I want? Will that ever count?’

The harbor lights drew him. Joel had once thought of going to sea until life superseded.

A line of men awaited boarding a ship. He approached the purser.

“I want to book a cabin.”

The man looked askance at Joel. “No luggage?”

“Sent it ahead.”

“Know where we’re going?”

“Don’t care.”

“Want to know when we’ll get there?”

Joel shrugged. “Not important…”

The purser took his money and let him board.

Settling in his cabin, Joel lay on the bed and looked out the porthole. For the first time in his life, he felt free of external constraints. He smiled as he felt the rumbling engines move the ship into the channel.

‘Captain of my own fate…’ He dozed off.

A sickening roll and flashing lightning awakened him.

“No, no, no…”

He ran into the corridor to see people milling about.

A steward pushed by him. “Put on a life vest!”

The lights went out. People screamed. Joel had to escape. He groped his way out. He burst into open air on ‘A’ deck when the wave overwhelmed the ship.

~

Joel lay on the beach in the early light. Water lapped at his feet. Covered with seaweed, his clothes were wet. Sand flies circled happily.

Pain in his ear awakened him. ‘What…?’

A pair of beachcombers mistook him for a dead seal. They moved in for a closer look.

“Oww!”

Slapping the side of his head, he sent up a cloud of flies. The beachcombers screamed and scrambled to safety.

Trying to make sense of where he was and how he got there, he sat up and shivered in the damp.

‘Oh, yeah…’ Memories flooded back of his ill-fated journey and why he embarked on it. Joel took the helm, to write his own destiny, to lie his way to independence. Free to just about drown himself.

More people gathered. Someone put a blanket over his shoulders.

“You okay? You need a doctor?”

Gaining clarity, he thought, ‘No one will believe this. Who would? I wouldn’t, and I know the truth. Easier to lie. But I can’t. No more lies. Any chance of our getting back together… Have to be honest if it kills me… If she won’t accept the truth, then…’

Walking lockstep to his father’s dictates went against everything Joel stood for. His life had been planned to the minute. He only needed to show up.

He’d tried to change course. He’d thought, ‘No thanks… I’ll make my own mistakes.’ And so he did.

Someone asked, “What happened to you?”

Turning to his rescuers, he said, “I won’t bore you with the details. I fell overboard and got swallowed by a giant fish. He spit me out here. Where am I?”

They told him and he nodded like it all made sense. “I was headed here anyway, before this detour…”

Bystanders looked at each other and murmured. Joel was well known for his regular appearances on TV talk shows.

“Aren’t you Joel Fitzhugh?”

“None other…” Joel rose to his feet. People reached to steady him. “Where can I shower and change?”

Several people accompanied him to a beachside motel. They found him some abandoned cargo shorts and a t-shirt. He refused a doctor.

He said, “I need to talk to the mayor.”

Despite his scrubbing down with soap and hot water, everyone he met held their noses. Someone drove him to city hall with all the windows down.

The secretary, Sage, held a kerchief to her nose. “They’re in a meeting. I’ll see if they will see you.”

She excused herself.

Sage said, “Sorry to interrupt. It’s that journalist, Joel Fish-hugh. I mean, Fitzhugh. He claims an enormous fish swallowed him. Do you have a moment? He wants to ask something.”

“You believe him?”

She nodded. “He smells fishy.”

“Something does.”

“What’s he want?”

“The mayor’s daughter broke their engagement. He came to win her back.”

“No surprise if he smells like that.”

Sage said, “He said, ‘If you refuse to let me see her, an earthquake will destroy the city. Believe it.’”

“We’ll discuss it. Have him wait.”

Sage nodded and exited. The council members debated.            

“If his threats come true, it will look like he made it happen.”

“Or that he knew something we didn’t.”

“He’s trying to warn us…”

“Election’s coming. Do we need a curse looming over us?”

“Every week, it seems some charlatan wants to blackmail us with some threat.”

“But this guy has a track record…”

“Send him home. If nothing happens, then…”

“Stuff happens, or doesn’t, all the time. Regardless of believing him.”

“What if we meet his demands and something bad happens anyway?”

“They’ll spin it…”

“If we don’t go along, and something happens, we’ll be out.”

“We should stay out of it. He wants Silvana. Let them work it out.”

They voted to fulfill Joel’s request. Sage brought him to Silvana.

Before their meeting, Silvana said, “Have to give Joel credit for audacity. Think he’s lying?”

“Don’t know, but he’s predicting disaster if you don’t hear him out.”

“I know about his ‘disasters.’” Silvana nodded. “I’ll give him five minutes. Send him in.”

When he entered, she held her nose. “Wow, Joel. Have you been shopping at Ambercrombie and Fish again?”

“I couldn’t wait to see you, my love.”

She dabbed her eyes and gestured, stopping him. “Stay back, Joel. Better you admire me from afar.”

“Why did you leave me?”

“I told you. I hate the endless lies.”

She turned away.

Joel shouted. “Wait! You don’t understand.”

She opened the window and sighed.

“That’s better.” She paused. “Why should I give you another chance?”

Joel rolled his eyes at the obvious. “I’m more fun than some stranger.”

“Another lie. I give up.”

“Sylvie, wait. You’re wrong.”

Silvana relaxed and faced him. “That’s refreshing. You’ve never said that. You usually play to my vanity.”

“But why won’t you believe me?”

“You say a big fish swallowed you?” He nodded. “Is that true?”

He hesitated for a millisecond. “Yes.”

She laughed. “And you ask why I don’t believe you.”

“But that’s proof! No one believes me when I’m honest. They believe me when I lie. So, if you don’t believe me, I must be telling the truth.”

“That’s too cute by half.

Desperation seeped into Joel’s voice. “Look, you don’t have to believe everything.”

She nodded. “Agreed…”

“But look at the pesky facts. I’m here. I came for you. Risked my life… Wouldn’t go through this for anyone else.” He gestured to his clothes. “I didn’t get this way by wolfing a tuna melt.”

She shrugged.

“Sylvie, I love you. But I need to express it my way.”

Shaking her head, she looked at him. “I’ll grant you, this is original.”

“And I smell like fish.”

She laughed. “Now, that smells like the truth.”

“Let’s get dinner. Start fresh. We can talk.”

“Okay. I know a place with a nice open patio… and no sushi.”

“Deal!”

Joel moved to embrace her.

She raised her hands to stop him.

“First things first.”

They laughed.