Heavenly Date

When you’re the grim reaper, you don’t make many friends, let alone get many dates.  So, after all these lonely millennia, I signed up for online dating.  I know, it was risky.  I don’t even have a decent picture of myself.  But here I am, on my way to my first date with Angelina. I can not believe I am going on a date with the most annoying angel in all of the heavens. We met briefly one time. She was this little girl's guardian angel. The little girl had passed away in a car crash and I, just doing my job, was on my way to take the little girl. However, Angelina would not hear of it. She was furious, saying it was my fault and begging me to change the girl's future. I tried to tell her that I couldn't do anything about it, but she never listened. Of course, I have never seen her in person, -just talked to her over the phone-- but her voice is the most awful thing I have ever heard! I am guessing she has had a change of heart since then. So here I am, waiting in the lobby of the restaurant. 

     They sat me at my table and 10 minutes went by, then 10 more, and I am just about to leave. Why would she blow me off? I looked down at the menu to see what they had. When I looked up, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen entered the room. She has honey-blonde curls, clear milky skin, and is wearing a beautiful white flowing dress with a red lip. She smiled at me and waved. My jaw dropped so far I could have sworn it hit the table. I, this dark grumpy old man, is going to have dinner with an angel like that (no pun intended). 

     Making sure it wasn't a dream, I pointed at myself making sure it was me. She nodded her head as her beautiful voluminous curls bounced.  

     I stood up and began walking toward her. I buttoned my jacket and ran my hand through my hair. I probably look so cool. I gave her “the look” and strutted toward her. She opened her arms going for a hug. I opened my arms to greet her. It felt like everything was in slow motion. Her beautiful white dress flowing as she walked. The candlelit room the perfect lighting. We were about four feet away. Everything was perfect until... she walked straight passed me?

       Trying to play it off I walked straight into the first person I laid eyes on. A buck toothed brown haired girl. Her tightly waisted dress highlighting her perfectly square figure.

I turned the hug around where I was facing where the beautiful woman walked. I froze for a moment looking back to find the beautiful woman hugging-- of course-- Cupid. As soon as I saw his sleek red tux and slicked back hair a burst of memories came into my mind--, memories of rude notes on my locker, swirlies, and hard dodgeballs straight to my head. Cupid, my arch-nemesis (that little diaper butt Dufus) gets everything he wants!

     I pretended to carry on the conversation with the brown-haired girl, now looking a little confused, paying very little attention to her and continuously looking back at Cupid and his hot date. I turned back to the buck-toothed girl.

“Angelina, is that you?” 

     “Yes!” She answered, bursting my eardrum.

     “Oh. Wow. You look… great.” 

     “Thank you!” she said yelling in her squeakily annoying tone.

       “Here, sit down.”

      Trying to gather my thoughts, I pulled out her chair as she walked toward me to sit down. I looked up at Cupid and the blond woman who had walked to a couple of tables down. I must have pulled the chair farther when I was looking because when I had finally looked down, Angelina was on the floor.

     “Oh, my darkness! I am so sorry. Are you alright?”

     “Yes! I am fine,  Just Hurt my tush that's all!” 

     She got up from the floor pulling on my suit for support, ripping the seam. 

    “Oopsie! I am sorry I can sew that back if you want me too.”

     Before I even answered she took the jacket from my suit off of me. 

     “Oh, ok.”

     I took a seat across the small round table lit with candlelight. The waitress came and took our drink orders. I ordered water with lemon. But Angelina ordered a black cherry cola with gummies at the bottom. 

      “Well, have you had any interesting jobs lately?” I said, trying to be polite.

     “As a matter of fact, just yesterday I got assigned to an elderly woman. She was a very nice lady. I was helping her with her groceries as she was walking across the street. I saw the cutest kitten across the street from us but it looked starved so I ran across the street to help the poor thing and once I was done I looked back and there was an ambulance there and what looked like a car crash. I went to her home to see if she was ok, but no one was there, but there was a note on her door that said she went to get groceries, so I assumed she must have forgotten something at the store.”

“ Oh, my darkness. What was her name?”

“It was something like Everly… Everyn?”

“Ester?”

“Yes! That’s it!”

I sat there stunned. Angelina was just there smiling at me. She is so oblivious to the world around her. The waiter brought our drinks out. I was about to order the steak and lobster when Angelina insisted that we get the spaghetti and meatballs to share.

     “So why did you decide to start online dating?” I said. Maybe the more we talk the quicker the time will go by.  Hopefully.

     “My friend Vivada actually started online dating. She was the one who told me you were on there.” She said winking and smiling oddly at me. She gave me an awkward nudge on the shoulder. 

     I looked away from her gaze.The waiter ending an awkward silence brought us our food. That was quick. I twirled a noodle around my fork getting ready to take a bite. Angelina searched the plate and started slurping at the same noodle. She closed her eyes and leaned in going for a kiss. I sat there, eyes wide, not knowing what to do. So I just bit off the noodle and pretended like nothing was happening. But Angelina continued to lean toward me. By that time I was so far leaned back into my seat I was about to fall back. I had no other choice but to close my eyes and hope it was short. I sucked my lips into my mouth and froze. She leaned back away from me, smiling. I felt spaghetti sauce and saliva all over my face. I was frozen in terror and disgust. 

     “I better go clean up. If you will excuse me,” she said obviously very embarrassed. She gave me a wink and left the table. I was so weirded out it was hard trying to think about an escape plan without causing a scene. I could just leave and block her on social media. Maybe move? As I was thinking about the third excuse I could come up with, the waiter came by with a note. It read…

     “I am sorry I had to leave. My Sister just had a really hard break up with Cupid. We can pick up where we left off next Friday at 7:00 pm. Xoxo.”

     I didn't know if I should be happy- about the breakup, confused, how Angelina could be related to the curly blonde haired woman, or sad about having another date with Angelina.