I Married My Droid

         I Married My Droid

Suzanne Marsh

2121

“Oh dear me, how am I supposed to get to know humans if I am actually a machine?” The android asked his creator, “what is my purpose?” The human appeared to have an answer:

“You are a gift to my fiancé Gilda, she is rather scattered at the moment. I want

to put her back but I need a droid to aide me in this project. You see, Gilda was

a real person who became a droid to finish a project, now I can’t seem to put her

back together.”

The droid was puzzled:

“I am a golden droid, how am I supposed to blend in with people, most of the droids

I have met look like humans. If I am to aide you in putting Gilda back together I

have to be able to look human in order to obtain parts and drawings from different

departments correct?”

I thought about that perhaps the droid was correct. I went back to my drawing board where I designed a beautiful golden blond droid, she was lovely more so than Gilda; my first creation back in 2110. This droid I named Suzette, I was in a French mode at the time. She, I decided would replace Gilda. Funny, how fickle I can be at times. Suzette was ready for me to take home, only I needed to clothe her, I certainly could not have any droid walking around in their nothingness now could I? I was passing by a store that sold maid costumes, yes that was it she would be my maid! I was never a great housekeeper, she could be programmed to do all of that, or so I thought.

I opened my office and there she stood, in her maid’s uniform, she was puzzled:

“why am I dressed like this? Is there only one task you wish me to perform?”

I hoped I had not made a mistake and there was a more human side to her; if that was the case, I made a whopper of a mistake.

“Ah, I am taking you home with me I have programmed you to clean my condo.”

“Why do you want me to simply clean. There are many things you can program

me to do besides pick up your dirty socks.”

I wondered who she had been talking to before I arrived here this morning. I stuttered out:

“Ah, um who have you been talking to this morning?”

She smiled as she replied:

“Your secretary, Mary, she told me a lot about you.”

I gulped, I had come close to firing Mary a few days ago, about now I wish I had.

“Ignore what she says, I am about to fire her this morning.”

“I could be your secretary also. You can program me to key words on a computer quicker

than you can think of the words. I can file, and do anything that is required.”

This was certainly food for thought. She could act as my secretary by day and maid by night. I could have the whole package. I was intrigued. I quickly programmed her to work in the office as well as home.

Home was a condo on the west side of Dallas, Texas. I had owned it for several years. I threw at least several parties a year for friends and associates. I opened the door, Harold, greeted us at the door. Harold is a Komondor, who likes the couch when he can get on it. She gasp as Harold introduced himself by passing gas. Suzette asked:

“What is that terrible smell sir?”

I had no idea how to explain to a droid that it was basically a fart, somehow that simply did not seem like the right thing do to; even if she was a droid. I quickly changed the subject. The condo really needed a good cleaning. Suzette walked around the condo familiarizing herself. The dishes were piled pretty high in the sink, the bed unmade and my dirty socks were stored under the bed. Suzette returned moments later:

“Sir, just where am I supposed to begin? You have a dish washer that you should have loaded.

Making a bed is very easy, I can give you instructions. Now about the dirty socks under your

bed that I do not compute.”

I felt about two feet high; this machine, was talking to me as if she were my wife! This did not bode well. I thought she would be a good maid and secretary but I had no idea she would take over my life. I supposed these were all things Mary had told her, hoping to help her blend in. Blend in, she would make my life a situation comedy. The new “I Love Lucy” of the twenty second century. My cell phone rang:

“Hey Pete we still on this weekend for the party? I have a date.”

I quickly checked the date, oh man did I do a mistake! I had scheduled my annual cocktail party and barbecue this weekend.

“Yes Jim, glad you have a date, See you Saturday.”

Two days, Suzette would have to get everything ready in two days. No one at work knew about her I had built her during my breaks, not on company time. I ran through the condo calling for Suzette. She finally appeared in her maid uniform. I began talking in a panic type voice:

“We have to get ready for a cocktail party and barbecue. You start cleaning the condo.

I will go do the shopping. Are you programmed to barbecue?”

“Sir, I have no idea what that is?”

“Oh, fine.”

I had two days to get the liqueur and a very large beef brisket. I just hoped Suzette knew how to make barbecue sauce! I also hoped that she would blend in as my newest and latest girlfriend. She was lovely. Then I had a thought, I had better program her to be a good hostess. This party was for the big bosses of Androids Inc. my bosses. I just hoped they did not recognize one of their own droids.

Saturday arrived all to soon. I had taken Suzette shopping for a dress, that morning. She selected a gorgeous teal blue cocktail dress. She modeled as I drooled over my creation. I had done a superlative in building her but could she blend in as a human being and my girl friend. Tonight would tell the tale. What a tale it was!

“Suzette, where are the cocktail glasses?”

“Sir, what is a cocktail glass is it like the dress you purchased?”

This was going to be the longest day of my life the way this was playing out.

“Suzette the cocktail glasses are located in the china cabinet in the dining room.”

Suzette disappeared returning ten minutes later with wine glasses. This was not going to do. I went and got them myself. I had already started the beef brisket, that would take all day to cook. I found a Texas cookbook one of my earlier girlfriend’s had purchased. I found the recipe, then showed it to Suzette. She was puzzled as she read. Turned walked over to the pantry; began to systematically grab the ingredients. This was looking semi-promising until she asked what she should mix this in. I told her a bowl, that did not compute, she grabbed the blender, not putting the top on. Sauce flew in every imaginable direction.

We finally managed to get the kitchen back under control. I quickly programmed her to mix drinks and serve them. I was not sure how she would blend in with this group of people that were coming. The CEO was a nit picker, my boss was a toad. Their wives were typical wives of wealthy men. The clients that were invited were wealthy men that wanted to become wealthier. Not a good mix but I had no choice.

The door bell chimed at five, in came the CEO Ray Butterbun, his wife Mallory and their teenage son Bart. Mallory gave me one of those sly smiles she gives everyone. Suzette was still busy in the kitchen, which worked to my advantage. I heard a crash, excused myself and dashed away. Mallory looked at Ray:

“Whatever is the problem with Greg? He seems very preoccupied.”

“Yes, he does but he gives such a great cocktail and barbecue party every year.”

“He certainly does. I wonder what this new girlfriend of his is like. If

that crash is any indication of her housekeeping that boy has a big problem.”

She just had no idea how big. The crash was most of the wine and cocktail glasses crashing to floor. She had tried to carry all of them at once. All I had now were some cheap plastic ones I kept for guests that I was not trying to placate, these were for my friends. No choice, I had to use the plastic ones which meant I would have to use paper plates. I told Suzette to go put on the cocktail dress.

She was gone for ten minutes she came out just as Pete and his date Ronnie entered the living room. She was a vision of loveliness as she stood there in the teal cocktail dress. I damn near dropped the Manhattans I was bringing to Pete and Ronnie. Ray just stared blankly as Mallory’s jaw dropped several inches. Suzette strode toward me, placing her hand on my arm:

“I just checked the brisket, it will be done by seven. Can I get anyone anything?” Mallory, never one to leave well enough alone:

“You have done wonders with the condo since the last party. I was wondering what part

of the country you are from. You don’t have any type of accent.”

Oh man, panic and dread are not pretty and I was feeling both at the same time, I need not have worried:

“I am from Tacna, Arizona.”

“I have never heard of it. Ray and I have been to Arizona many times.”

“It is a small town, our entire population is only 633 people.

Mallory sighed and I felt relief. Suzette, I had no idea how she knew about Tacna but I was just happy she had not said Dallas.

Ronnie, had joined in the conversation:

“That sounds lovely, are there a lot of cacti out that way or is it desert?”

“It is both, it is small but everyone knows everyone. There are not many

people that have heard of it. I hope you will take the time to see it some time it

really is lovely.”

Suzette, smiled as she strode away toward the kitchen, heaven only knew what disaster she would

create in there this time. I quickly excused myself and made my way to the kitchen. She pulled the apple pie out of the oven. It was spontaneous but I gave her a huge hug and kiss, I was so full of relief. She was a success. She smiled at me:

“Did I do well sir?”

“Suzette you did very well. I want you to stay here with me.”

“I will do that sir, and thank you.”

I married my droid several months later, we have been together for almost fifty years and I have never had to program her again.