The Wrath of Roachzilla

“I’m hungry, Marcus.”

“So? Make yourself something.”

“I don’t wanna!”

“Why?”

“I’m too lazy!”

“Me, too.”

“So, Hot-Stuff, what are we gonna do?”

“Dunno.”

“I gotta eat something.”

“So, get your lazy butt up and get food!”

“Fine! I’ll go get the damn chips!”

“Thank you, baby!”

“AAAAHHH!”

“Perry?”

“A huge roach is in the kitchen!”

“So, kill it!”

“You don’t understand! It’s the size of the kitchen table!”

“Yeah, right, Perry! You’re such a wuss!”

“COME HERE!”

“I don’t know why you can’t kill a stupid, little— AAAAAHHH!”

“See?”

“It's bigger than a Great dane!”

“No shit! Now kill it!”

“I got a better idea.”

“Hey! Where are you going!”

“The Hell out of this house!”

“MARCUS!”

“Thank God you made it, baby”

“Yeah. Thanks for leaving me back there with a friggin cockroach the size of kingdom come.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“I dunno. Rescue me?”

“But, there’s a giant roach in the kitchen.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What do we do, now? We’re outside while Roachzilla is in our house.”

“Ha! Roachzilla!”

“You think this is funny?”

“No, I was laughing at your— I don’t know. Call an exterminator?”

“And say a giant cockroach is in my house?”

“I’m warning you. It’s huge!”

”I’ve seen huge cockroaches before. One time I killed one bigger than your hand!”

“No, I mean huge!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll kill it deader than a doornail.”

“Alright…”

“AAAAAAHHHHH!”

“Wait, don’t leave!... Dammit! What now, Perry?”

“Buy a buttload of Raid?”

“Well, Perry, we’re back and ready to kill that giant bastard!”

“It was lucky they had a sale on bug spray!”

“Yeah, and these masks.”

“Hey, the house is still standing, wouldn‘t ya know?”

“Yeah, lucky.”

“Well, baby, let’s go kill that stupid roach!”

 “Hey, Perry..."

“Yeah, Marcus?”

“Back to the bug spray… Why did you tell the cashier about the giant cockroach?”

“I hate lying! So, sue me!”

“Whatever… OK, I’ll spray while you have my back.”

“Sounds good.”

“Keep your mask on. You know Raid can mess you up.”

“I will, babe.”

“I can’t believe we’re going back in to kill a giant cockroach!”

“Fun, huh? You look dumb with that blue doctor’s mask on.”

“Shut up, Perry. You ripped on me for wearing a mask during the pandemic.”

“That’s because that mask looked dumb, too.”

“Whatever, douchebag, can we go in, now?”

“Yes, tacky-ass mask boy!”

“Thank you, jerk!”

“OK, giant mutant bug, prepare to die!”

”Oh, Jesus! My living room looks like a tornado blew by! "

“Your parents are not gonna be happy!”

“Look at this! The couch is tipped over, the TV is busted in, the curtains are chewed the Hell up…”

“But the XBox is—"

“Shush! I heard a hiss.”

“Me, too!”

“There it is! Behind you!”

“Hey, you big ugly bastard, take this!”

“We’re getting it!”

“What the Hell?... It’s turning purple?”

“YAAAAIIII! Its wing fell off, almost crushed me!”

“WATCH OUT! It’s about to spit!”

“That was close!”

“EW! Yuck! Pink loogie!”

“Take this, you son-of-a-bitch!”

“Is it…”

“SHIT!”

“The bug spray didn’t work! What do we do?”

”RUN!”

“I can’t believe a giant cockroach is chasing us!”

“A purple one for all the crazy things!”

“Ow!”

“PERRY!”

“I banged my leg on the cabinet.”

“We’re almost outside!”

“What the…? It’s changing?”

“What?”

”It has little circles forming all over its face… are those… eyes?”

“I don’t care! Just keep running, Perry!”

“We made it outside. Now, what, baby?”

“Just keep running!”

“Gee, I could’ve figured that out.”

“WATCH OUT! CAR!”

“AAAAAAAAHHHH!”

"Way... too... close!"

“Now if we can lose Roachzilla, we’ll be just peachy!”

“Let’s turn at the end of the street.”

“OK and then what?”

“Keep running.”

“Gee, great plan. I couldn’t come up with that one.”

“Do you have a better plan?”

“No.”

“Then, quit acting snarky and shut up!”

“OK, we turned… and the roach the size of a pony is still chasing after us. What now?”

“Keep running.”

“Where, though?”

“I have no freakin’ idea!”

“Damn roach!”

“We need to lose it fast!”

“Yeah, plus I’m still hungry!”

“How the Hell can you think about food now?”

“I dunno!”

“Well., after we lose the freakin roach and board my house up, I’ll make you a five-foot-long BLT!”

“Babe, that sounds AWESOME!”

“I hope it’s soon!”

“Maybe we can cook Roachzilla.”

“Ew! Gross! You’re a sick human being!”

“Why, thank you!” 

“Is the giant cockroach slowing down?... No.”

"Marcus ..."

“Yeah, Perry?”

“My legs are starting to hurt.”

“Mine, too.”

“Any ideas yet?”

“I just remembered the lake is not very far from here.”

“So?”

“If we get into the lake, we’ll be safe.”

“Can’t some roaches swim?”

“It’s worth a try.”

“We made it, Perry! Hey, where is everybody?”

“Maybe they got the memo about Roachzilla?”

“Just a few more feet…”

“I hope this works!”

“YAAAAIII! It’s cold!”

“Look, Roachzilla isn’t coming in.”

“Good, guess it can’t swim after all!”

"Yeah, what next, baby?"

“We’ll just have to wait til it leaves.”

“Hey, stupid cockroach, you can’t get us! We’re in the lake!”

“Don’t provoke it, ya friggin’ moron!”

“Hey! That hurt!”

“Good!”

“Ugh! It’s been two hours and Roachzilla is still friggin’ here!”

“Actually, it’s been ten minutes, Perry.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh! See?”

"GROAN!"

“Did you say groan?”

“Yeah, what’s it to ya?”

“You’re something else... What do we do, now?”

“Watch me. Hey, stupid roach!”

“What are you doing? Don’t throw pebbles at it! You’ll piss it off!”

“Exactly what I’m doing.”

“See? It made angry hisses.”

“So?”

“Would you stop? This is a bad idea.”

“What’s it gonna do? Oh! I hit it between its stupid eyes!”

“Dude! Stop!”

“No.”

“Stop!”

”No!”

“Dude, stop.”

“No!”

“If you throw one more pebble…”

“I threw it.”

“What the Hell? It’s morphing! What did you do, Perry?”

“Me?”

“Perry, it’s turning into a giant purple and yellow … butterfly!?”

“Hello, humans. Thank you for breaking the spell that was cast upon me. I wasn’t trying to chase you. I just wanted to ask you to break the spell on me.”

“Huh? Perry, it talks?”

“No way, Marcus, there must be someone hiding somewhere — a ventriloquist.” 

“Yes, Marcus, I talk.”

“How do you know my name?”

“I heard you two when I was trapped.”

“OK?”

“I tell you, Perry, we are hallucinating. We were in the cold water too long.”

“Even when you joked about cooking me.”

“Uh…”

“It's cool, I know you really wouldn’t do that.”

“No, we wouldn’t.”

“I like your humor. I come from a planet where no one jokes. It’s boring. So, I came to Earth, and you humans showed me your species can be funny.”’

“Um, thanks. Your colors remind me of a jester's costume.”

“Perry, why are you thanking a hallucination?”

“You’re most welcome, Perry would you like to come live with me?”

“Huh?”

“I live in what you humans call a mansion. It's huge. I didn't pay my bills on time, so the witch turned me into a giant cockroach. I figure you two need a new house since I wrecked yours.”

“Uh, I dunno…”

“You can have that five-foot-long your friend promised to make you.”

“What do you think, Marcus?”

“How fast can you make that five-foot-long BLT? Oh, what the Hell? This day has been weird already. We might as well live with an alien butterfly! But you gotta make that BLT first! Are you sure we aren’t hallucinating?”