“There’s a body on the floor.”
“I know.” Naomi picked her teeth.
“There’s blood on the walls. I can’t let you do this if you don’t clean up after yourself.”
“What’s the point of it?”
“What’s the point of what?”
“Existence.”
“Are you on drugs?”
“I have better things.”
“So you are on drugs.”
“What difference does it make?”
“You tell me.”
“You’re the smarter one.”
“I made a few mistakes. So what? Everyone does”
“Did you meet him again?”
“He found someone else.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“No. Anyways, how's Mom?”
"Haven't talked to her in months."
"I thought you used to."
"They have cancer."
"Both?"
"Yeah."
"Since when?"
"It's been a year."
"You didn't think to tell me?"
"I was sick."
"How serious is it?"
"They're dying this week."
"Did they pay off the debt?"
"No."
"Pass the salt."
"Why?"
"I want to put salt on his wounds."
"The body?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"Don't take drugs."
"I was kidding."
"Naomi. I'm serious.'
"Fine."
"Good."
"Call Mom."
"I lost my phone."
"You're irresponsible."
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
‘You’re a good brother.
“You pay rent?”
“I work at a pizzeria nearby.”
“Oh.”
“He’s getting married.”
“You okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“I love you.”
“Thanks.”
“Let’s watch Friends.”
“I don’t have a TV.”
We’ll watch it on the phone.”
“I’ll get chips.”
“I got a promotion. At work. You should come someday.”
“Overachiever.”
“You deserve better.”
‘We all do.”
***
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112 comments
hi sia long time no see. how are you? (fingers crossed you see this lol)
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yo yo yo hey, i'm june. i'm new, so i figured i'd like ✨introduce✨ myself or something idk. so I read your story and i think i'd like to provide feedback because i myself always find that super helpful, so here goes. ꕤ love love love LOVE the format you used, the lack of dialogue tags throughout this whole thing just makes it a lot more fast paced and interesting ꕤ random, but I love the name naomi, i am a lover of naomi scott, i would totally marry her if i was a man and not a minor ꕤ i LOVE true crime which is why i clicked on your story...
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thanks June! This was really sweet of you, I've just been down lately. Tysm for the feedback :) I love crime stories too
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I really loved this story! It was fast paced and kept me intrigued. The only thing that I would say for critique is to maybe add a couple extra notes like you did with "Naomi picked at her teeth" just so that way the reader can keep track of who is who. Other than awesome! <3
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Ooh, OK. Tysm!!
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Yeah ofc!
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Oh wow, this is good. I've almost never seen a story like this, with pretty much all dialogue. The only one like this is a book called this is not a drill, a book that's all texting. I think I mentioned it in my bio. So, feedback, I don't have any. Nice job, this is hard and you have inspired me to try it :))
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Thank you so much!! So sweet of you :))
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you're welcome! :)) (edit: also I saw on your bio wolves 4 life. I was just wondering if you've seen this movie? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rp6ehxZvvM4)
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Haha, that was an inside joke with my friends :) I haven't, is it good?
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It’s amazing, you really should. One of my favorite movies.
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oh nice
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Hey! Everything good?
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Nah man
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Oof. I'm here to listen if you wanna talk about it or anything. <3
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ty
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Hey! Where are you? Why has Reedsy been so boring lately? (copy-pasting this to a lot of people as I'm BoReD)
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Ikr
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=D School started?
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Yea
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PLEAS DONT DISPAPEAR AGAIN-
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Haha, sorry. I just went thru a breakup lol
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That sucks. I'm sorry. Like I said, here to listen. <3
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ty
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<3 how are you? better than before, i hope?
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yea :)
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I had a dream about you last night, strangely. Hope you're doing well. It's fine if you don't but please respond to this if you see it. Praying for you. <3
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I want to cry rn, that's so sweet of you. I've never had a friend care so much, this is so sweet that someone actually bothers at me. no, really this is very sweet, I don't even know how to respond. ily <3
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<3 Anything for a friend.
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:')
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wat was the dream lol
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Idk, I forgot it now--as happens with me usually. It was about you coming back and me finding it through a comment thread of you and Skye, I think. (probably cause of the colour similary of your pfps?) BUT LIKE FORESHADOWING? I HAD IT LAST NIGHT AND VOILA-HERE YOU ARE-
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😂🤧🤧 Maybe... ;)
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XD Also, "I'm sad." What happened?
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😂 Lol feels like we all grew up too fast
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Hey, would you like to do, like, a critique exchange? I have some stories I need advice on, and I'd love to give feedback for yours!
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Sure! Like which one i should critique. Love the username :)
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Just the newest one, I guess.
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Sure
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You know Sapphire? We have a collab coming up on my blog at 04:06 p.m. IST tomorrow (April 14). Do check it out, here's the link (https://djdhwanijain.wordpress.com/)
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Nice! Sure :)
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Thanks. How are you?
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Fine, and you?
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Nice... Sab kaisa chal raha hai, school-wise and all?
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Hii Sia!~ It's been so longg, I've been off Reedsy for what seems like forever :( This story is really good! I love how it's all in dialogue and you make such an interesting story through brief sentences. I can't think of a thing to critique-it's so short but sweet and ever so smoothly transitions between topics :) Great job!!
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Hey! Omg, ikr it's been too long. Thank you so much!! That's so sweet :)
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Yes, it hass~ And of course, I love reading your work :)) How are you?
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Hey Sia! How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while. :)
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Girl hey. Schools been catching up. How are you?! I keep thinking how cool reedsy was. Finally made the courage to log on.
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I HAD A LITERAL HEART ATTACK WHEN I SAW THE NOTIF-IM NOT EVEN LYING WHY'D YOU DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT- TvT I'm fine. Vacations have begun. :D Wby?
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HAHAHAHAHAH sorry, life happened 🙄🙄 Me too, mine are bout to get over in June D:
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TvT Oof. TvT Well, enjoy them while you can. XD
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😭😭🤧🤧
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Hi! This is an amazing story, well crafted and interesting...
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Thank you!!
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😄😄
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Btw try to guess who ia am
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Gurgeet? :)
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Yaaaaaaa
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:)
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You asked for feedback, here it is! The only-dialogue element lead to a sort of mysterious tension. It's like, woah, they seem really chill about this dead body. It sort of put this image in my had of a brother and a sister standing in a basement and the sister just sort of saying "bro. Dead body. Why." Over time, the image started evolving, changing to match the story. Even though there are no descriptions, it was still really visual for me. Just some punctuation: “I made a few mistakes. So what? Everyone does” There should be a period at...
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Thanks so much!! :) I'm happy you liked it! Oops, thanks for pointing it out!
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You're welcome! No prob!
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:)
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OOOOOOOOH this is cool!! dialogue only stories are so freaking hard to write oop
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Yayy thank youuu Omg they AREEEE lol
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Yayy thank youuu Omg they AREEEE lol
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Hey Sia! I forgot to say this in my previous comment, but your last story, 'The Crown' was somewhat similar to this, wasn't it? SoMeWhAt? Are you into murders and mysteries and that sort of stuff right now?
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Hey! Hmm, I guess you could say that, yes. Yeah. Sort of, I haven't read much in a while though.
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Yeah You wanna read some cozy mysteries?
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Yeah, ig.
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There are many books, available for FREE on Google Play Books. I have the reviews on few of them on my blog: www.djdhwanijain.wordpress.com Beachside Bakery The Witching Place Pains ans Penalties and many more...do read the reviews for more
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Oh, that's nice! Tha is for the recommendations! Will check them out :)
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This is a really cool story… but I am a little confused. I know the point of it is a dialogue story but maybe you could do a longer follow up? I wanna know the whole thing 😁
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Hey! Aw, thanks! I have my exa,so as of now, but I'm sure I can come up with a new piece in a while. :)
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Sia, This story - the idea of it - was nice. But maybe it was just not suitable for a dialogue only story? I don't know. I didn't really understand the whole situation. Maybe it's just me...
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Hey, I'll see based on the feedback. Thanks though.
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=D
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:)
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Great story! I admire your ability to tell a story just through dialouge.
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Thank you, this was my first time :) Hey! I'd like to read some of your work, though I dont know where to start. Could you suggest some titles?
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Of course! It all depends on what you're looking for- my newest story is "The Ring", and "Humanity" and "Humanity's Betrayal" are some of my favorites. I'd love some feedback on "The Ring" since it's new- but of course don't feel obligated to comment anything :)
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Thanks, I'll see :)
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Very interesting, I must say. Kinda confusing. XD But still, overall, really great! I'd like to know what you were thinking while writing the above, lol, if you'd like to tell- Also, what's that link at the end?
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Haha, thanks!! Of course I would lol I have no idea. I just started typing. I imagine this to be like- a deranged sibling encounter?? Dont even ask lol Dunno, lemme check. Ohhh it was my browser security link
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Aha. That's cool. :D Btw, when are we meeting? Like for the collab. Tonight?
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Sure! I'm fine now, or in two hours.
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Okay. I'm on the rp doc rn, if you can be there.
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Okay!
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