Awkward As Hell

Clyde was in Hell. He wished that he could tell you that arriving here was a surprise, but if he had to be completely honest with himself (which he did due to it being part of his punishment), he would’ve told you he expected it. 

Clyde was one of the biggest bastards in the world, and everyone would’ve told you the same. At his funeral, when it was his mother’s turn to speak she stood in front of everyone and said, “He’s in a better…” She paused to look at the ground. “Well, he’s in a place now.” 

The video of his mother saying this had gone viral, not just on the internet but in Hell and- although they wouldn’t admit it- Heaven. Clyde knew this because the demons made watching this clip every day another part of his punishment. Not to make him atone for his sins, they just found it absolutely hilarious.

Right now he was going to get his daily whippings, which second to the video, was his least favorite punishment. He tried to get out of it by claiming he was into getting whipped, and that it would have been a pleasure for him, but the demons didn’t buy it. 

As he walked over to the whipping field, he stumbled across a woman whose face was buried in a map. It was an extremely large map of Hell that was inaccurate enough to annoy a person but accurate enough that no one could throw it away. She must be new here, Clyde thought. Better mess with her. 

But before he could, the woman lowered the map, and Clyde saw the entirety of her face. He gasped, recognizing the woman. It was his high school sweetheart. The woman saw Clyde too, and from her expression, it seemed that she was equally surprised. 

“Clyde,” she said, “wow.”

“Hey, Elizabeth,” he replied. His tongue felt dry, but he had a feeling the sandpaper that was rubbed against it wasn’t to blame this time. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, I mean I knew that you were going to be here, but I didn’t think I would run into you so soon.”

Clyde’s heart sank. “Wait, how did you know I was going to be in Hell?”

“There’s this video of your mom at your funeral that went viral.”

Clyde’s face turned scarlet. “Oh, right.”

Neither of them knew what to say next. Despite there being screams of tortured souls and explosions in the background, the silence between them felt deafening. Clyde had heard once that small talk had been invented by demons, but he didn’t believe it until now. This is torture, he thought to himself, too distracted by Elizabeth to notice the irony.

“So,” Elizabeth finally said, “how did you get here?”

“Oh, me?” Clyde said nervously. “I...murdered someone.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “I didn’t hear about any murder when I was still alive.”

“Yeah, well, I hid the body and got away with it. So now I’m here in Hell.”

“Clyde?”

“Yes, Elizabeth?”

“You’re on fire.”

Clyde looked down and noticed that she was right, he was on fire. He should have expected this. The demons did warn him when he came here that liars would end up with their pants on fire, but he thought they were just being figurative. The smell of his burning skin told him otherwise. 

“This happens sometimes,” Clyde said, trying to appear stoic.

“Really?” she asked, looking worried.

“Yeah, everyone combusts randomly. Happens to me at least three times a week. You get used to it.”

The lies Clyde told only managed to add fuel to the fire, and now he was blazing like a miniature sun. Elizabeth had to back away and shield her eyes. Clyde meanwhile was in an unbelievable amount of pain. His body had melted off, and all that was left of him now was his skeleton, which was turning a crispy brown from the flames. 

“It was nice running into you again, Clyde,” Elizabeth said. “But I think I should run off now, that fire is getting pretty big.”

Clyde panicked. He didn’t want Elizabeth to go yet, but the only way to put out the fire would be to tell the truth. The embarrassing truth. Swallowing his pride, he said, “Wait.” The fire stopped growing. “I have a confession to make. I was lying.” The fire had now receded. “I’m not in Hell because I murdered someone.” The fire was now gone.

“Then why are you in Hell?”

Clyde’s body was growing back, but right now he wished it would turn invisible, hiding him from Elizabeth’s questioning eyes. “I got sent to Hell for...trying to steal candy from a baby.”

“You mean you tried ripping someone off?”

“No, I mean I literally tried stealing candy from a baby. There was this kid in a carriage sucking on a lollipop. I tried yanking it from his hands, but he was freakishly strong for a toddler. I kept trying to pull it out from him, but I lost my grip and fell into the street, right in front of a speeding car.”

How Clyde got sent to Hell had made him a laughing stock. Thankfully no one had recorded his death like someone had recorded his mom at his funeral, but it didn’t stop everyone from constantly reminding him about how he died. Everywhere he went, someone would drop a lollipop near him or leave a baby carriage around him. Both of these things he could tolerate, but he also kept getting hit by speeding cars and was starting to get annoyed by it.

This is it, Clyde thought grimly. There’s no way she’ll go out with me now. She’ll probably join them all and tease me by leaving behind lollipops, baby carriages, and running me over with her car. 

What she said next took him by surprise. “Thank God. Or Satan I guess. I thought I was the only one with an embarrassing reason for being in Hell.”

“You too? Why are you here?”

“I’m a lesbian.”

“What?”

Elizabeth laughed. “I’m joking.”

“Oh,” Clyde said, laughing as well. He was relieved to know he still had a chance. If Elizabeth was gay, it was unlikely he would have ever seen her again. From what he heard, the gay sector was known to be much nicer than any other place in Hell, and had the best bar, ironically called Gay Paradise. Gay Paradise was so popular that it was rumored that the citizens of Heaven would sneak into Hell just to visit it. Allegedly Jesus visited often to rebel against his conservative father. 

“I’m here because I lied about being pregnant,” Elizabeth admitted. “My parents wouldn’t stop bugging me about it, so I thought the best thing to do was lie.”

“That seems a bit excessive. Why would you get sent to Hell for that?”

“I also may have tried stealing a baby for my cover. And gotten shot by the parents in the process.”

“Oh. Well, that’ll do it.”

The two laughed at the ridiculousness of their deaths. Clyde kept admiring Elizabeth’s smile, remembering why he had liked her so much in high school. His heart pounding rapidly, he said, “Hey, I know you just got here, but would you like to go on a date?”

Elizabeth smiled. “I would love to, Clyde.”

They made arrangements, and after Clyde gave her directions (her first stop was the waterboarding room), they parted ways. When the demons whipped Clyde that day, they all started to wonder if he was telling the truth about enjoying the whippings, because no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get him to stop smiling.