400 comments

Crime Suspense Thriller

She saw him.

She saw him get killed.

She saw the life drain out of his eyes.

She heard his screams of pain.

She heard the footsteps of the murderer as they ran away.

She felt a tingly sensation course through her.

She felt a tight knot form in her chest.

She witnessed it all.

But no one believed her. Not a soul.

But she knew it had happened. Her eyes couldn’t have betrayed her. She wasn't dreaming nor was she hallucinating. The rasping of the man’s finals breaths and the crimson blood were all too vivid for it to be a figment of her imagination. She was there. She was watching. She was witnessing.

She had approached the body, hands trembling. The man lay in a pool of his own blood beneath her feet, his body peppered with bullet wounds. His glassy eyes were rolled back, showing only the bloodshot sclera of his eyes. 

Her fingers were numb as she had dialed the number of the police. Her breath was shaky, and her voice was uncertain. She told the officer on the phone what had happened.

"May I ask what your name is?" The officer had questioned.

She responded softly. A moment went by. Her eyes widened as the officer started to laugh.

"Nice try. Don't joke that much. We all know murders are implausible." The officer had drawled before ending the call.

The phone fell out of her hand and landed with a thud on the ground. What was the officer talking about? She clutched her heart with both of her hands and fell to her knees. What is going on? Her head was spinning. The ground around her started to spin as well. The lifeless body was still in front of her, her clothes and hands now soaked with blood.

No. Something was wrong. Something was missing. Why did the officer hang up so abruptly? Why was the officer so ignorant? She stood up and started to walk away from the body. She needed help. She needed to ask someone else. As she turned around she saw a young man walking by. Her feet dragged her towards him.

"Please help! Please help me!" Her cries were loud, and she collapsed onto her knees. The man immediately turned his head.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his eyebrows cocked in annoyance.

"Please! There has been a murder. Someone has been killed! I saw it all!" She begged, her voice desperate and cracking.

The man's eyes lingered over her for a moment. He scoffed. "This isn't funny. Joking about death is despicable." He shook his head as he walked away.

“...Please!” She called out weakly, grasping for the man’s hand. But it was out of reach, and her hand fell to her side.

Tears streamed down her face. They tasted like salt and regret. Stop. Stop it. Stop crying. She kept scolding herself as she slowly stood up. Stop being weak. Make them believe you. They must believe you. She hurried back to the scene of the crime. The knot in her chest tightened even harder each time she saw those lifeless eyes. It was as if they were chiding her, tormenting her. She grabbed her phone from the ground, making sure it was still functional.

She wanted to call the police. She should call the police. But what if she got in trouble. What if they didn’t believe her again. She shut her eyes as pain filled her body. Her words had failed her once again. Her mouth refused to open. Refused to fight back. How weak she was.

She crumbled to the floor in tears. After all, that was what she was best at. Crying. All she could do was cry. She couldn't even stand up for herself. Couldn't even prove something. And she hated herself for being so useless.

Her mind was swirling with thoughts. She couldn't swallow nor could she speak, her throat was dry and hoarse. She still knew she wasn't dreaming. This is real. She is real. It had to be real. But why didn't anyone believe her? Why was she never given a chance? Her breathing started to slow down. Her tears lessened. 

What if it is a dream? But in my dreams, who am I? Where am I? Her reality felt distorted and warped, nothing seemed real yet nothing seemed fake. She reached up, trying to grasp something, trying to find something tangible to provide her some certainty.

Maybe she was nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe she was as thin as air. No, thinner than air. As unreachable as the heavens, as unbelievable as the gaping chasm of hell. No. No, she had to stop. No, she knew this was real. She couldn't push the truth away. She still had to face the truth, truth is something no one can evade.

What was wrong with these people? Were they just merely stupid? Or oblivious? Or did they just not care? Why did they not believe her? What had she done to make them so against the thought of murder? She had so many questions but no answers. But there was only one way to elucidate these questions.

Slowly, she dialed the police again with trembling, frail, bloodied fingers. They picked up.

“Hello? I’d like to report a murder,” She begins once more, telling her story.

“Alright. What’s your name, miss?” The officer asks. But before she can respond, the man cuts her off with a chuckle. “Just kidding. We don’t need your name for a prank.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but the call ended. Slowly, she pushed herself up, wobbling a bit. She took a moment to stabilize herself, then inhaled sharply. Her eyes were closed and her face was pointed towards the blue, blue sky. Her eyes slowly opened after a brief pause, glimmering under warm rays of sunlight.

“My name,” she began quietly, swaying gently with the wind. “Is Elora Bathory.” She giggled, then disappeared into the shadows of an alleyway, twirling a gun in her hands.

November 08, 2020 00:37

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400 comments

Jade Hamel
22:16 Nov 20, 2020

OMG You're so talented! I was so caught off guard at the major plot twist! Amazing story!

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Riddhi Shedge
23:15 Nov 20, 2020

Ahhhh! Thank you so much, Jack! :D

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Lizzy Bee
04:17 Nov 20, 2020

Wow, she seemed so innocent. Great job portraying that! I LOVED the last paragraph—neat ending. Keep up the good work 😁 I’d love to hear more of your stories.

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Riddhi Shedge
16:58 Nov 20, 2020

Thank you so so much, Lizzy! :)

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F. A.
11:15 Nov 19, 2020

Wow, I can't believe she was the murderer the whole time; I sure can read more!

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Riddhi Shedge
16:07 Nov 19, 2020

Glad you enjoyed it! Maybe I'll make a Part 2 :D

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Azalea Silver
11:17 Nov 17, 2020

I swear I didn't expect her to be the murderer. It totally threw me for a loop.

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Riddhi Shedge
17:06 Nov 17, 2020

Haha, glad you enjoyed it! :D

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Azalea Silver
15:07 Mar 28, 2023

I did for sure! I'm actually rereading it for the upteenth time rn As always,this story was epic!! Makes me wonder if you're a mystery novelist In disguise

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Story Time
20:10 Nov 16, 2020

The pacing of this story is fantastic. It raced me along right to the end.

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Riddhi Shedge
20:27 Nov 16, 2020

Thank you so much! :)

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Fiza Hasan
09:50 Nov 15, 2020

Woah cool! I actually really enjoyed the story.

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Riddhi Shedge
18:08 Nov 15, 2020

Thanks for reading, Fiza!

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Fiza Hasan
10:06 Nov 15, 2020

Actually, one thing I do want to clarify, why did no one believe her about the murder? Because they knew she'd done it?

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Riddhi Shedge
18:07 Nov 15, 2020

I actually don't know haha! I was trying to make it seem like the town didn't really believe in murders and thought that they were all perfect! :)

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Food Good
00:14 Nov 14, 2020

ew boring

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Riddhi Shedge
00:19 Nov 14, 2020

That's the reaction I was hoping to produce! Thank you :)

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Creed .
19:36 Feb 17, 2021

I completely disagree with Food Good. It was vivid and so well written with an amazing twist.

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Cole Hiller
15:26 Aug 07, 2022

I loved this story! It kept me on the edge of my seat, filling my mind with questions until the incredible twist at the end! Elora having her pleas constantly ignored kept an air of mystery and suspense that had me wondering why. It was short, sweet, to the point. Your writing style really sold it! Great job!

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Prajith Aarya
06:06 Jul 31, 2022

Hey Riddhi, This is an amazing read, loved the plot twist at the end. You used an ignorant fact that murderers are also witnesses and weaved an amazing story. I liked the way you distracted the readers by making them focus on why no one would believe her and then surprised them with the gun. I am an independent filmmaker and in the process of writing and directing a short film. I have a few thriller stories prompts running in my mind. It would be great if we both could collaborate and write the story and screenplay . If you want to get i...

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Cole Hiller
21:25 Jul 17, 2022

This is a great story, I really enjoyed it! Your writing style kept me engaged, and interested throughout. Elora being continually ignored created mystery, suspense, and intrigue which kept me on the edge of my seat throughout. The twist at the end was amazing! I was left with questions, like why was she ignored, which maintains some of the mystery and intrigue of it

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Laila Greene
18:58 May 21, 2022

This story is incredible! Literally, words cannot describe the rollercoaster of emotions I felt throughout the story. Not to mention the plot twist at the end?!?! You are actually so talented. 10/10. Amazing story <3

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16:39 Apr 12, 2022

I think i already commented on this, but still. this deserves a higher award, PERIODT. You need to find out how to turn this into a novel.🤌

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Austin Boaz
20:12 Mar 02, 2022

I loved the fact that the I could feel the story all along.I am also scared.

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Simply The Best
14:41 Dec 29, 2021

Wow that was really good :)

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Angel Alshimary
00:36 Dec 25, 2021

Wow I am like still processing the plot twist. This was so well written too! I could imagine the scene as you wrote each little detail. I loved it so much, keep writing!!

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22:12 Nov 13, 2021

Best one i've read so far. Amazing plot twist. Good job.

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A B
14:18 Sep 20, 2021

OH MY GOSH WHAT A TWIST!!! Great job writing this i loved it!!!

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Rudra Bavishi
16:40 Aug 20, 2021

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am not joking, I literally had to read the comments to ensure if I was reading the last paragraph right. What a plot twist! I loved it. Just unbelievable!

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Keya J.
09:31 Jul 26, 2021

Sorry, I know I am commenting the second time. But u know, there are some stories that just stuck in your mind, forever. You never forget them. And yours is one of them. P.S I've mentioned you in my bio so more and more people can go through this amazing piece of work! (Though I already see a lot of likes and comments)

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Keya J.
16:13 Jul 09, 2021

Oh my God! The ending got the hit. Your writing is simple yet impressive. Get your hand to hold the pen more often.

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