For Those About To Roc

     Dennis peeked outside his cabin and then dialed up his friend Tybalt. His front garden was getting destroyed, and he did not appreciate it.

     “Hello?”

     “Hey, Tybalt, it’s Dennis.”

     “Hi! Happy birthday, Dennys! Did you get my gift?” Tybalt asked, bursting with enthusiasm.

     A spray of crimson splashed across his window followed by screams of the deliverymen. “I think so.” Dennis said.

     “So, I know how you like birds…”

     “Kind of a faux pax-” Dennis started.

     “So I got you a Roc!” Tybalt said.

     “-to gift a pet.” Dennis finished.

     “How is it? Is it adorable?”

     “They managed to bolt it to cement block, but I don’t know if a couple of the delivery guys are gonna make it.”

     “What?”

     “It’s huge, Tybalt! It clawed the face of one guy, I don’t see where the lady is-”

     “Okay, wait…” Tybalt said, and Dennis could hear the clacking of a keyboard. “Oh, oh my golly.”

     “What?”

     “I think I read the dimensions wrong.”

     “Oh, did you?”

     “Is that really the wingspan?”

     “Does it say, ‘a building’? Because that’s the wingspan.”

     “It’s not that far off. Wow, I think I got him at a bargain.”

     “I swear to heaven I will get a gun and kill that thing.”

     “Please don’t, also you can’t. It’s hide is bulletproof.”

     “My fiancée is going to be back soon, and I don’t know if she would appreciate a mythical bird in our front yard.”

     “I can call customer service, I guess.”

     Two of the Amazon workers helped their injured friend in through the front door. “Could we use your bathroom?” One of them asked. They were all covered in blood, and the one with the mangled face looked like he might pass out if he hadn’t already. Dennis made a grimace but nodded and gestured them through. “That’s a stupid idea, Tybalt.”

     “What should we do?”

     “I don’t know!? Call the army? This is your fault, Tybalt!”

     “Sorry, I thought it’d be the size of a parrot!”

     The Roc let out a blood curdling shriek, and a windstorm buffeted the house as it tried to fly away against the chain that held it.

     “Tybalt, this is a bummer. My roses are completely ruined.”

     “I don’t know what to tell ya.”

     Dennis rubbed his forehead as he thought out a plan. He looked at his watch. Trish would be off work soon if she already wasn’t. The basic outline sketched itself out in his mind.

“I’ll call you back.” Dennis said, and hung up the phone without waiting for a goodbye, then jogged to his kitchen. First, he pulled a whole ham out of the freezer, turned the oven on, and threw it in. Second, he went to the garage and found his drill with the largest bit, and a secured this in. Third, he went to his bathroom and opened his medicine cabinet, looking for any drowsy medication. The delivery workers were in his large shower, blood everywhere, trying to fix up their friend with the first aid kit they had found in there. He sighed. The maid would have to get to the mess later.

     He grabbed bottles of Nyquil, Seroquel, Xanax, Percocet, Valium, and Ambien. He had a good mix going due to Trish’s drug abuse problem he promised he was going to address someday. He assembled everything he needed in the kitchen, and pulled out the ham with his bare hands, burning them. He dropped the still frozen on the inside ham onto the counter, and ran his hands under cold water, to get rid of the sting.

     He used a dishrag to hold the ham in place, then drilled a messy hole into the center of the meat, rocking it back and forth to widen it, and scooped out pink chunks of shredded, frozen meat. He poured all the drugs into the hole, stopping at the Percocet to take a couple for himself. He dumped the Nyquil in last, spilled some on himself, then used the shreds of meat that had originally come out to stuff back into the hole. He thought about asking one of the Amazon guys if they wanted to do this next part but thought against it. They were probably busy.

     He held the ham like a football, went to the front door, and took a couple of deep breaths. All he had to do was get the giant bird to eat the ham, and hopefully it would either put it to sleep or kill it.

     He yanked the door open and saw the full glory of the bird. It was about twenty feet tall, and its wingspan was at least sixty feet across. It had an ugly, naked, almost reptilian head and neck with a beak that looked at big as he was. Its body was covered in beautiful red and gold plumage. It was nestled on the front driveway with a heavy iron chain around its T-Rex leg that was anchored to a large cement block had been shipped in. Its saucer eye turned, and spotted Dennis trying to sneak up on it. It opened its mouth, let out a squawk, and started to flap its wings again.

     “No!” Dennis tried to brace himself, but a hurricane of wind caused him to trip. He fell onto the ham and crushed it into a messy pulp on the ground. He tried to look up at the bird through the wind. It was trying to fly again. He was almost impressed with Amazon with their ability to transport it, even if their van and trailer was destroyed now.

     He looked down at the pink, white, and purple goop he was now lying in. He could try to scoop it up and throw it at the Roc that way, but this seemed like a dumb plan now he was covered in meat. He was probably going to be swallowed himself if he tried to get near it now.

     He saw his fiancée’s car come up the drive and pull up near the overturned Amazon van. Trish got out of her door and the Roc fell to the ground with a small earthquake. It squawked at her like a giant parrot. She laughed a little.

     “Aww, Dennys, is this for me?” Trish asked and approached the creature without hesitation.

     “Wait!” Dennis tried to warn, but it was too late. Its large head nestled up to her body, and she gave it a pat and a hug. It seemed to like her.

     “Aww, he’s adorable! What is his name? What is this?” She asked, enthusiastic about the Roc. She was clearly high on something, but he wasn’t going to question her acceptance of it.

     “Dammit, now she’s attached.” Dennis said as he stood and tried to brush mushy ham off his front.

     “Hey, we need to get Tyler to a hospital! He’s not waking up!” One of the Amazon workers yelled at Dennis’s back.

     “I think I’ll name him Big Bird!” Trish called back to Dennis. The Roc rolled onto its back, and Trish was now rubbing its belly.

     “I mean, I guess we can keep it in the pasture.” Dennis shrugged.

     “Sir!?” The worker called to Dennis. Dennis groaned and vowed to punch Tybalt in the face for causing this.