I Survived Camping

My best friend, Carol, and I bet on a coin toss (dumb, I know). If I won, she had to go to a concert with me, any kind, rock, blues, classical. I've invited Carol so many times, and she never goes. Fleetwood Mac was on tour again, and I wanted her to experience it. Of course, I get, "Why does anyone drive for two hours, stand in line, and sit in a place with hundreds or maybe thousands of screaming, sweaty, crazed people? Why?" She'll never get it.

If I lost, I had to go camping for a weekend. My response: "Carol, why would anyone hike for miles, wrestle a tent up, make a fire, eat half-cooked burgers, and sleep on the ground among bears and wolves and mosquitos? Oh my? Why?"

Of course, I lost the bet.

She camps all over the United States, so she knows her stuff. Hiking and camping are her passion, and she was so excited to share the experience with me that she begged, borrowed, and bought all the equipment I needed. I sat in my comfy chair, sipping tea, and watched her assemble my pack items. I could not stop rolling my eyes. All I know about forests is what I learned from the Grimm brothers. Carol is used to it, and my idea of enjoying the great outdoors involves a beach chair, a cold drink, and a good book.

My backpack was bright pink. Had she never seen a podcast about never wearing bright colors in the forest? They attract Big Foots and Chupacabra, and people go missing! Did she want us included in a Missing 411 book?

"Now, pay attention." She held up a whistle. "Keep this handy so Search and Rescue find you should you get lost."

"I don't think you should start with getting lost, Carol. I'm already nervous. And won't a whistle also attract Big Foots, Feet? Or worse yet, those wild mountain men?"

Carol shook her head. She thought I didn't notice when she set a can of bear spray to the side. "Pack dry backup clothes if it rains or you fall into an um . . .puddle."

I felt my eyes widen, and my eyebrows joined my hairline. "Well, what about storms? Thunder, lightning, flash floods?"

"Stop it, Dina. I always check the weather beforehand."

"Good luck with that, Smokey. The weather guys get it wrong all the time." I mimicked one, waving my arm in front of an imaginary blue screen. "Well, surprise viewers, it looks like Canada is sending us some unexpected cold, wet, blizzardy weather our way. That was unexpected! Back to you, Tonya!"

She chuckled, and I sank back into my chair as she displayed and explained the fire starters. Good, because I was NOT going to go through that spinning a-stick between my palms nightmare.

"I packed dried soup, dried oatmeal, dried berries, instant coffee packets, and tea bags. Your choice. Oh, and dried eggs. Here are granola bars to carry with you."

"Dried eggs? Really?"

Then she gave me the look and continued, "Take this seriously, Dina!" She held up another item. "A water filter straw. A brilliant invention that filters water from rivers or lakes, etc. And make to top off your water bottle at every opportunity."

I waved my hand over the dried food packet pile. "Well, I certainly will need water.", . I already feel sucked to a husk."

"Here is a compass."

"Can't we just use our phone GPS?"

Carol's lips became very tight, and I could barely see them. She sighed and said in a way you'd talk to a frightened child, "Yes, we can. But always have a compass in case there's no cell service or your battery dies."

"Right. Yikes."

She ignored me. And held up an LED flashlight, and a headband light, a silvery blanket pack. "Oh, I always take a journal and a pencil."

"Why? So I can write my last will and testament?"

Ahem, "A packet of tissue and a trowel."

"Wait. I have to do my business in the woods, like the proverbial bear? No porta-loos all along the way? Don't tell me any more, please, Carol. I'll read Camping for Dummies before we go."

###

We left early Friday morning. I agreed that the weather was cool and partly sunny, which Carol said was perfect. We drove north for three hours and entered the Devil's Bend National Forest. Obviously, Carol needs to learn what I know from reading David Paulides. We wound our way along a narrow path through the campground, stopping here and there to avoid feral children, their dogs, and cats, and I swear I saw a goat.

This place was more crowded than Walmart's parking lot on Black Friday. Carol drove her small car, which was fortunate because our campsite was only ten-foot square at most. I guess folks with big trucks and RVs must stay inside their vehicle. I stepped from the car and felt cold water splash against my legs. A wading pool filled with splashing, screaming toddlers infringed on our space.

"Don't worry, Dina. Their parents are wearing them out, so they'll go to bed early and sleep."

I had nothing against children. Heck, I was one not that long ago. But I don't have my own yet because of the responsibility. So much of it! But these kids toddled toward campfires, ate dirt, and ran wildly downhill toward the lake, and nobody tried to stop them! And what about stranger danger?

I couldn't watch another second. I turned as Carol whipped out a large, round, flat circle and motioned for me to back up, almost sending me into the toddler soup. She untied a few thin ropes, and then BOING! a tent popped open!

"That's a relief," I said. "It took Dad a couple of hours, a six-pack, his toolbox, and a butt load of swear words to put one up, and we were just in the backyard."

Carol flashed a triumphant grin and bowed like a stage magician. "Modern camping is so much easier these days. Take heart, my friend."

The evening was uneventful, and Carole was right. As the sun slowly sank in the west, so did The Cacophonous Children's Choir.

We roasted hot dogs on sticks, made S'moers, and she even brought two tiny bottles of Merlot! She handed me another chocolate bar. "Eat up, Buttercup! Tomorrow we march!"

"Please stop with the cheery nicknames, Carol." She was enjoying this way too much.

I'm an early riser, so took solace in the quiet forest, the birds, and a slight breeze. Then came a chainsaw. The CC Choir woke up, and they weren't happy. I heard a guy singing, "Do Do Do Lookin' Out My Back Door!" from the nearby latrine. I'm a CCR fan, but now that song has lost all joy for me. I'll spare you the doorless shower/toilet story.

By seven, backpacks packed, all the items on Carol's checklist checked, and we were ready to hike. We left the car and the tent behind. I worked hard to present a positive attitude, determined to make this a grand adventure for Carol.

My new wool socks and hiking boots were comfy, and the pack wasn't nearly as heavy as I'd feared. But I swear someone secretly started adding rocks to it by mid-morning. The weather was warmer than we'd been told and became warmer and warmer until even my fingernails were sweating.

Then I saw it, "Oh, look! A little lake, Carol! Come on!" I stripped down to my underwear in a flash and jumped in. The cold water soothed my simmering body, I wanted to stay for hours.

I looked back at Carol. She was still dressed and on the bank, looking like my Mom when she told me my hamster was dead, 'Oh, sweetie, I'm so, so sorry.'

"What?"

Carol beckoned for me to come toward her. I climbed out of the water, and she ran to me, yanked a packet of Salt from her pants pocket, and began it into her hand. "Don't move. It will be okay. They aren't poisonous or anything. Stay calm." Carol started patting me with Salt! Awkward.

I looked down at my body and let out a scream that I'm sure every camper, Big Foot, and Chupacabra within a hundred miles heard. All the woodland animals probably lifted their heads and turned toward me as well.

"Oh, Jesus, Carol! AHHHHHH. What the hell!?" I started to feel cold and screamed again.

"Dina, don't look, just remain calm. They are only leaches from the lake. It will be fine and harmless, honestly."

Every part of my body shivered to its own beat. All I could say was, "Oh God, oh GOD! AHHH!!"

Carol grabbed me by the shoulders and said," GET A GRIP. People will think we're having an orgy over here. I got them all off, I swear, it's okay." She wrapped a space blanket around me and helped me sit on the grass.

I kept shaking, "Salt? Are we at the point where we're making trail snacks?"

She chuckled. "No, the little buggers don't like said–it kills them, they fall right off."

"UGH! As God as my witness, I'll never go swimming again!"

"Okay, Miss Scarlet."

I still shivered violently while looking all over my body. "Did you check my back?" I cast a nervous glance into my bra."

"They're gone. You're fine."

"Wait, why do you have packets of salt so handy?"

"I sprinkle it around our tent at night to protect us from evil spirits."

"WHAT?!"

"No, Dina, I forgot to pack Salt for our meals, and another camper gave me some. Serendipity, right? The Universe knew we'd need it."

"The Universe hates me. What time is it?"

Carol looked at her fifty-app phone. "Noon, why? Are your stories on?"

"Funny. What time are we going back to camp? Oh God, ugh! I still feel like the vampire slugs are still all over me."

"There were only five, and they're gone. Here are your dry clothes."

As I started pulling on my shirt, I heard, "WOOO HOOO, LookinOOD!" wolf whistles came from two guys in a canoe paddling past us on the lake. Great.

Carol yelled cuss words at them that would make George Carlin blush.

"Okay, Dina, you've been put through enough. We'll go back to camp and… try again tomorrow."

I had no words.

The soup and hot cocoa were good, or maybe I was still in shock. I went to bed in daylight, and even the neighboring munchkins didn't wake me.

The next morning I felt foolish for my hysterics over the leaches but still shivered when thinking about them. However, I vowed to be more positive today.

The weather was cooler, and I loved the feel of a slight breeze on my face. My clothes still hadn't dried, so I wore the spares, which were lighter and more comfy.

As we hiked along, Carol pointed out edible plants that all looked the same to me, but I smiled and nodded. She showed me little tan birds, little gray birds, and little tan and gray birds while I did my best to pull up some enthusiasm.

I didn't talk about how every muscle, tendon, and cell in my body ached and soldiered on. I even peed in the woods and buried it. I felt more confident. This wasn't so bad, and it was almost over.

Then we saw him. King Kong wearing overalls, stepped out onto the trail about fifty feet ahead of us. He must have been six-foot-nine, and I'd guess he weighed three hundred pounds or more.

Jesus, Take the Wheel.

We stopped, and I whispered, "I hope Mama adopts my cat."

He lumbered toward us, and I thought, this was the end, my friend.

"Hey there, Ladies!"

"Hey?" We squeaked out.

He kept advancing, and I wondered how long I should wait until I used the bear spray.

"You can't use this trail!"

"Why not?" was I nuts to challenge this behemoth?

"I'm Bob. I work for the park service. A huge Sugar Maple fell across the trail yesterday. Sad, but she'd been dead for quite a while. It will take us a few hours to clear her away. Sorry, but you have to turn back."

He instantly went from monster to hero, and I wanted to hug him, chainsaw and all."Well, that's a shame. Okay, thanks for telling us, Bob."

"No problem. Take care now." He walked back into the trees.

"Carol, we might have been crushed under a dead tree if we'd kept going yesterday! Maybe the Universe doesn't hate me after all."

When we reached camp, I said, "So, that went well." and started to laugh. So did Carol, the toddlers in the kiddie pool.