hair dye and goodbye



July 8th, 2016

Goals

-Get in to college

-Go to college

-make friends at college

-get a side job

-buy a car

-drive

Where to?

---

The whole world feels weird and like I don't belong. I'm uncomfortable. Possibly just in my own skin. My whole life I’ve been waiting to do this, and now I’m just waiting more it seems. The wind outside is hot, barely even wind. 

When I get a car, I want it to be without a roof, so I can feel the wind always. 

---

July 11th 2016

To Do

-Practice spelling

-Make dinner

-Water the flowers

-Watch the flowers grow, write down growth

---

I hold the ruler against the tiny side of the bud, barely peeking out of the dirt. My fingers are sore from all the typing, all the essays. I inch my fingers to the edge of the ruler to see the numbers, and it clatters to the ground. I gasp, moving to shield her. 

---

July 16th, 2016

Plant Growth Log

First Day: No inches

Second Day: ½ an inch I think

Third Day: No inches

Fourth Day: 1 full inch from the start

---

July 17th, 2016

DON’T FORGET:

Interview on the 20th

4:00pm

--Need formal clothing

--Coffee shop??

Address?

---

July 18th, 2016

Full address: 465 E Madison St, Houston, MS, 38851

Time: Drove there, about 5 minutes

Clothes- Wear skirt or pants with blazer

Ask for advice from sister??

---

My sister greets me cheerily as I water my flower, nearly making me spill it everywhere. Her cheeks are rosy, her whole smile is sunny. I wonder what inspired such a good mood. Days have been darker than usual. Or are my shades just drawn for too long? The screens are burning my eyes. Almost there I hope. 

---

July 19th, 2016

Things I forgot

-Buy New Clothes

-Water the flower today

-Ask for sister’s help

-Sister’s birthday?

-One college essay, overdue

**Buy something for sister for forgotten birthday, if have time

---

July 20th, 2016

Waiting in the car for the interview to start. She told me she was running late. I am very sweaty. Hoping for the best. 

---

The interviewer is a prim and proper lady with a pointed nose and not a wrinkle on her clothing. Her shoes look freshly polished, almost glossy like glass. Her mouth doesn’t move when I talk. She doesn’t nod, doesn’t write. Her hands are folded neatly on her knees. Can she even hear me as I talk? The only indication I have that she’s human is her eyes- dark, dark green-blinking when I stutter or stumble across my words. My future is going to be decided like that, like one of her quick blinks, easy to miss if you aren’t making eye contact. She asks her questions with no emotion, no certain tone of voice. As soon as I stop talking, the next question comes again and again, until finally she’s done. She throws away her coffee cup- she hadn’t even sipped once- and nods, turning and walking away, leaving me to stare at my own drink, also untouched.

---

July 20th, 2016

Things I am Good At

-Nothing 

Things I am Bad At

-Everything

---

July 23rd, 2016

Savings as of now:: $2,100.50 

*Found 50 cents on floor --Should I return to charity? Or should I keep?

--Money still needed for car:

4,360

-2,100.50

________

2259.5

$2,259.50

---

July 24th, 2016

Words I don’t know:

Scholarship

Citizen

Community Service

Look up somewhere

---

One website closed, another one opened. One application submitted another one started. One dictionary opened, one thesaurus fumbled through. I mutter the words under my breath, try listening to them from someone who doesn’t know me. My head aches, my body shakes from the caffeine. My head falls to the table in fatigue, the demanding world fading to black. 

---

July 24th, 2016

Scholarship: “academic study or achievement; learning of a high level”

Community Service: “voluntary work intended to help people in a particular area”

--Need 20 hours of ‘community service’

**Find places to do so

---

July 25th, 2016

Sister: Where are you?

Me: I’m at the shop

Me: Are you safe?

Sister: Yes, I was just worried about you

Me: Ok, I am fine. Do not worry. Tell mother I am fine as well for me

Sister: Anything elelse

Sister: **Else

Me: And water my flowers please

Sister: Okay

Me: Thank you

Read at 3:46pm

---

I shut my laptop for the day. 

Two essays drafted, three edited. A good days work. 

I walk to my sister’s room to see if she’s free- we could maybe do something together, like we used to. 

But her door is shut tight, silence and darkness emitting from the cracks. It doesn’t feel very inviting. So instead I close my own door and cry myself to sleep.

---

July 27th, 2016

Feeling lost, broken. 

I am lonely.

---

 August 1st, 2016

It’s a new month now. I am cleaning out my room. I found a lot of pictures, pictures of me smiling. Does my mouth still know how to do that?

Things I learned in July--

-Interviews are hard

-Talking is hard

-The words ‘community service’’ and ‘scholarship’ 

-My sister likes flowers, I hadn’t known that before

--Should I get her a flower? Maybe when I’m not busy ***Remember**

-Growing plants is hard

---

Her stem is deep brown, nearly blending with the dirt. It’s droopy, sad. I run to ask my mother what’s wrong with her, but I think I already know.

---

August 2nd, 2016

My plant died. Dead. Gone. 

I am alone.

---

August 3rd, 2016

Plant Growth Log

First Day: No inches

Second Day: ½ an inch I think

Third Day: No inches

Fourth Day: 1 full inch from the start

Fifth Day: No growth

Sixth-Eighth: ¼ an inch

Ninth and Tenth: 2 inches since start

Note- What plant is this? Look it up-- It is growing very fast

Eleventh-Fourteenth: I did not observe

Nineteenth Day: Gone.

Twentieth Day, Day one since death: I never found the plant type, so I will name her Energy.

Log completed

---

August 4th, 2016

Plant Growth Log

First Day: No inches

Second Day: ½ an inch I think

Third Day: No inches

Fourth Day: 1 full inch from the start

Fifth Day: No growth

Sixth-Eighth: ¼ an inch

NInth and Tenth: 2 inches since start

Note- What plant is this? Look it up-- It is growing very fast

Eleventh-Fourteenth: I did not observe

Nineteenth Day: Gone.

Twentieth Day, Day one since death: I never found the plant type, so I will name her Energy.

Log completed

Day Three since death: I keep filling my water, thinking I am going to water her, but she isn’t there. I can’t focus anymore. I should get a new one. My sister can help me choose. She likes flowers, I remember because I wrote it down. 

---

August 6th, 2016

Interview again: August 13 4:00pm. Park. 

**Friday the 13th. I hope I still have good luck…

--Need to choose outfit

--Prepare questions

August 7th, 2016

Question Ideas 

-Why do you do what you do?

-Did you enjoy your experience at the school

-Why am I doi 

---

I lean my head back. The salon smells of wet hair and gossip. The hairdresser doing my hair is a short woman with short hair but what seems like a probably tall attitude. I like her. She’s chewing gum and talking with the others. All of them like her, it’s obvious.

---

August 8th, 2016

I colored my hair. It’s light blue now. I hope the interviewer doesn’t judge me. My sister sure did. I’m worried about her. Good night. 

---

This interviewer is different. Her hair is almost the same shade as mine, a cotton candy blue. It’s long though, and for some reason, it reminds me of my hairdresser, with her short hair. She has lines by her eyes, smile wrinkles. Her nails are pink, like the clipboard she holds. It’s more of a conversation as she asks me questions and responds to my own, writing some notes as we go along. I don’t feel like I did something wrong by the end when she shakes my hand and walks away from me. I’m not staring at anything but life square in the eye. 

---

August 10th, 2016

Sister:Good luck

Sister:Are you there?

Sister: Call me when you can

Me:Sprry I couldn’t text

Me:She had blue hair too

Me:Isn’t that great?

Me:See you at home

Read at 4:56pm

---

Looking in the mirror, I see my hair has already grown since I dyed it. You can see peeks of brown peeking out of my scalp. 

---

August 27th, 2016

My roots show again. I didn’t know hair could grow that fast. My hair grows like Energy. 

---

August 28th, 2016

Colleges

Yale University-- Interviewed

University of Chicago--GOT IN YES

Notre Dame University

Brown University

Columbia University--Interviewed

MIT--Waitlist (still good)

September 1st, 2016

New month. I didn’t write many lists in August. 

Things I learned in August

-Blue is a pretty color

-I like changing my hair color

-Change can be good maybe

--Is it okay to be different?

September 3rd, 2016

I didn’t get in anywhere else. 

I’ve started packing for Chicago.

Not too far, not too close. 

*Maybe too far?

---

I survey my room. Will I have to leave anything behind? Possibly. I’ll be going by plane, I’m not allowed to take much luggage. There’s not much I really need anyway.

Or have.

---

September 7th, 2016

Packing List

-Hygiene stuff

-Journal

-Pens, notebooks, supplies

-sleep materials

-clothing

-hairdye

I feel boring

September 23rd, 2016

The plane leaves tomorrow at dawn. I have set my alarm. But I have yet to say goodbye. I hope there will be good food on the plane.

September 24th, 2016

Me: Are you awake?

Sister: What is it

Me: Just bored on the plane 

Sister:I’m going back to bed sorry

Me: I love you

Read at 8:57am

---

The campus is beautiful. I take a breath of fresh air. It’s finally done. Of course, there’s still lots to do but the harder part is done. I keep my head high, my blue ponytail bouncing behind me as I walk towards the double doors, welcoming me. 

---

September 25th, 2016

Goals

-Get in to college ✔ 

-Go to college✔ 

-make friends at college

-get a side job

-buy a car

-drive

Where to?

-Make friends

-Call sister weekly often

-be hap

September 29th, 2016

I got a side job. I work at the cafe besides the library at the school. I’m saving for hair dye. 

**Call sister

---

Plenty of different people roam the halls. We all accept eachother. Fights are minimal. Smiles are plenty.

---

November 1st, 2016

It’s already November. I think I like my new school. It’s interesting. 

Things I learned in September

-It’s not very hard to make friends

-College is hard

-Pink looks nice in hair

June 9th, 2019

Goals

-Graduate University of Chicago

-Try yellow hair

-Get a pet

-Call sister once a week at least --Nearly her birthday--check

---

I walk towards the hair dye aisle, my feet knowing exactly where to take me. My fingers graze the boxes, landing on deep red. Burgundy I think it’s called. It was my sister’s favorite color. Probably still is. 

My phone rings from my pocket, and I smile as I reach for it, already knowing who it is.

---

April 3rd, 2020

I am me. I am happy.