power is my protector

Power comes from within or does it?

What is it like to be constantly trapped in your own thought dialogue keep picking holes in your brain and leaving you cold and broken? I remember a time where I felt powerless and it left me scarred without a trace of life to guide me home.

The way I felt when the voices hit against my walls trembling through the walls of my brain.

I remember it all , a day I wish to forget but cannot the way the wind felt on my face , the way the air captured my light halo from the top of my body however the light was not set to stay there. It was doomed to be darkness soon. And I can see it all those horrible thoughts bickering inside my chambered head.

Some people say I had powers, but whatever I had it was no power from within it was more of a demon of my past hallowing over the future of the glass.

I cannot recall the glass that shines in front of me, but I can recall myself looking in the mirror and seeing a reflection I did not like.

The girl staring back at me was not the same girl it was someone who had darkened circles around her blue illuminating eyes.

And scruffy hair with stained reflection of blue and black bruises up my arms where I had been restraint for my own safety.

I knew the nurses and doctors had my best interests at heart however I felt the need to keep fighting my sleep , fighting my delusional beliefs , and trying to focus on what I had left of my life.

As I go back in time, I am reminded of the time when life had no meaning, no fuel to consume my power, there was zero energy throughout my cloudy mind and fogged body.

I try to think of a happier time but cannot for see it there is no happy memories from my past, just haunted ghosts that linger over my dreams.

And into my mind they sleep for what I fear maybe an eternity.

Those dreadful harsh voices that wanted me to feel bad about myself

They belittle me, taunt me, and kill every cell in my brain leaving me brain dead.

And no mask to hide my face anymore the shame I felt when they would say I am an actress only acting the mental health issues. But how would they know

How would they know what its like to live in a shadow of their constant reminder of them shallowing down the rivers of death?

I still think about them even to this day, there hearts, there broken storms of life hitting me in the chest.

I think of what they said, and how they taunted me, they broke my heart with every little detailed account.

Most of what they were saying were my own thoughts of myself reflected by their own impersonations.

Those voices would shout and crawl under my bed with only darkness in their souls they would say dreadful things but there was truth in some of what they said.

But all I can remember is being hospitalized feeling powerless in nothing but a minute or a second.

Even if I did have powers, I am sure that these powers were not to do good for they would haunt me and bully me.

There is no reality for me, only pain everything I touch turns to darkness

Everything I want in life only fades away with time.

Ghosts are still haunting me but I am not as bad as I was because I am coming to terms that those voices those dreadful people were in my head and not my heart I wear my heart on my sleeve and not on my head so I know that it must be nothing more than just mental health.

But is it?

That question still ponders my overworked brain, is its mental illness or did I have a power to hear voices, my friend’s voices were they real were they my friends.

Or were they just dark memories of time waiting to be unfolded into the light

Whatever the cause it was a mystery at that and mystery I had been trying to find the clues at hand for ages but had no luck in succeeding.

Was I futuristically gifted?

Was there another in my life?

Was I mentally ill?

Or was I just dying in my own body?

Whatever the answers I was not prepared to wait any longer

My plans to delay the theories had long gone.

I was now a woman on a mission, a seed in the ground waiting to be found by me.

The one that could set all this poisonous plant free from this world.

I was trying to get out of my head that I could survive this dreadful fall but I couldn’t I want you all to realize that I am not giving up my mission just postponing it till it I find out all the answers to my past if there is any.

The voices broken and cold hit me in the chest

Frozen I am lost and belittled in my own maze of time

I fear what the future holds because how can I have future when I have no past to break free from the crust of life.

I know that it cannot be pretty for my future must be darkened by the storm no rainbow to shine among the stars of life’s glistening life.

Listen to me and I will tell you that my past is powerless no present ghost to tell me of my sins to what my future holds.

Is it just a dark mystical fog that bellows across my world, or is just me left without no meaning of life?

All questions that I unfortunately do not hold the truth too

Or whatever the truth is I will find it I am sure of it

And I am sure it is out there wherever it is I will find the power again

The power of my soul for years to come.