UNFILTERED WITH THE ALMIGHTY

INTERVIEWER: (grumbling, visibly annoyed) Welcome, everyone, to this very special interview on WVRT Channel 7, right here in the heart of New York City. Tonight, we have an extraordinary guest—God Himself. Let's give a round of applause for the Almighty. I had to cancel my plans, so let's discuss this.

(pauses) And by 'discuss,' I mean I'll ask questions, and He'll give divine answers. It's a win-win, really.

GOD: (fidgeting, voice unsteady) Thank you, thank you! Wow, great to be here. You know, not every day I get invited to do a TV appearance. Usually, I stick to more, uh, celestial venues. But hey, I'm here to mix things up!

INTERVIEWER: (sighing, looking at phone) We'll try to make this quick. We all know You're a busy God, and some of us had to cancel important plans for this.

(rolls eyes) I mean, it's not like we have a life or anything.

GOD: (laughs nervously) Oh, I appreciate that. Time is relative when you're eternal, but I have quite a bit on my plate. Managing the universe is a full-time gig, and the overtime is killer!

INTERVIEWER: (mutters) Great, another comedian.

Okay, first question...

(scrolls through phone) People imagine you as an old man with a beard, very serious and solemn. What's the deal with that?

GOD: (chuckles awkwardly) Yeah, I get that a lot. The whole old man with a beard is a stereotype. I like to mix it up. Today, I decided to go for a more relaxed look. You know, approachable and ready for a good chat. Divine presence doesn't have to be all thunder and lightning—sometimes it's nice to just have a conversation. And honestly, who wants to carry around that heavy stuff all day? It's murder on the shoulders!

INTERVIEWER: (sighs heavily) Right. Uh, next...

(scrolls) How did you develop the idea of creating the Earth? Certainly, you had a plan. Like I had it tonight.

I had to cancel it because of this interview.

GOD: Well, I was just floating around in this infinite nothingness, you know, doing my thing. And I thought, 'This is getting old! Let's spice things up a bit, shall we?' So, there it was—the spark of an idea. Time to make a world. It's like a little side project to keep me entertained. Think of it as the ultimate DIY project but on a cosmic scale.

INTERVIEWER: (under breath) Fascinating. And then? Wait, let me find it...

(scrolls) Ah, here. How did it all start?

GOD: Oh, funny story—I was all set to start another round of contemplating the mysteries of existence. But then I thought, "Nah, let's cancel that. Time for something new." So, I scrapped my plans for another eon of meditation and dove headfirst into creation. And all of this happened in just a few minutes, mind you.

INTERVIEWER: (with an exaggerated eye roll) Oh, the drama. Okay, let's move on to the next act...

(scrolls) What was your first move, Mr. Creator?

GOD: "Let there be light!" I announced it with the confidence of someone who knows what they're doing. And BAM! Light everywhere. It was like flipping a switch in a cosmic closet.

But then I realized, "Hold on, which way is up?" Turns out, in a void, there's no up or down. No biggie, though. I decided to define it myself. Light on top, darkness below. Simple enough. The first day, I nailed it. High five, me!

INTERVIEWER: (forced laugh) High five, you. Moving on...

(scrolls) So, what happened next?

GOD: Next up, I figured, "Hey, let's get some atmosphere going." So, I split the waters, making a cool sky above and an ocean below. It took a bit of effort. Those waters were stubborn! I had to do a lot of negotiating. It was like dealing with a cosmic union. But I managed. Second day in the bag. This was getting fun. I could totally get used to this creating gig.

INTERVIEWER: (sighs, rubs temples) Yeah. Great. Then?

GOD: On the third day, I decided it was time for some real estate. "Dry the land, please!"

The waters obliged, revealing vast stretches of fertile soil. Plants sprouted up like they had been waiting for this moment their whole existence—which, in fairness, they had. Trees, flowers, grasses, you name it. It was like Earth got a major landscaping upgrade.

I even threw in a few bonus waterfalls for good measure. Who doesn't love a good waterfall? Especially when you don't have to worry about mosquitoes.

INTERVIEWER: (checks watch) Sure, waterfalls. Uh... fourth day... here we go. What about the fourth day?

GOD: By the fourth day, I was on a roll. "Let there be lights in the sky!" I said, putting up the sun, moon, and stars like a cosmic interior decorator. They started twinkling and shining, making time a thing. Days, nights, seasons—bam, all sorted. It was like setting up a giant celestial clock. Tick-tock, Mother Nature!

INTERVIEWER: (mutters) Tick-tock, great. Fifth day...

(scrolls) How did you feel after four days of creativity?

GOD: Feeling confident, I looked at the oceans and skies and thought, "These places could use some inhabitants." So, I filled the waters with fish and sea creatures and the skies with birds. The oceans were splashing, the skies were flapping—it was like a grand opening party for the animal kingdom. The fifth day was done and dusted. I would have dropped in the ocean if I had a swimming suit. But I didn't want to scare the fish.

INTERVIEWER: (checks phone again) And on the sixth day?

GOD: On the sixth day, I went all out. "Let's bring in the land animals!" I said, and the ground was suddenly teeming with creatures of every kind, from lions to ladybugs. It was like a zoo had exploded.

But I wasn't done yet. "Let's make humans," I said, molding them in my image. I gave them some smarts and creativity, and boom—humans. And here you are, folks! My little science projects.

INTERVIEWER: (half-heartedly) Incredible. So, you must have taken a break after all that work?

GOD: Definitely. But before that, I noticed a tiny detail out of place—a leaf slightly askew, a ripple in the water that didn't quite fit. No problem. I paused the passage of time with a mere thought. Yep, that's one of my perks.

Everything froze perfectly still, like a grand cosmic painting. I took my time adjusting that leaf, smoothing out the ripple. Once everything was right, I restarted time, and everything flowed seamlessly—perfection.

INTERVIEWER: (sighing) That's amazing. But you mentioned that all this happened in a few minutes. Can you clarify how that works with the whole seven days of creation?

GOD: Ah, good question! Well, from my perspective, I have this nifty ability to pause time. So, while the creation story is told over seven days, I used a pause, tweaked, and perfected everything in what felt like minutes to me.

Think of it as divine multitasking. Seven days for the story, but just a few sacred minutes of intense creation action. Like a speed run but with more existential weight.

INTERVIEWER: (sarcastically) Fascinating. Now, have you had any problems with creation from the start? Did you have to cancel any plans or make changes?

GOD: Oh, absolutely! It wasn't all smooth sailing. Take the waters, for example. They were stubborn. I had to negotiate a lot to get the sky and oceans sorted.

And the stars—don't get me started on those. At first, they were just drifting aimlessly. I had to tweak their courses several times. It's like herding cosmic cats.

And yes, I did cancel a few plans here and there. Originally, I thought about having flying elephants, but then I reconsidered. (chuckles nervously) Good call, right?

INTERVIEWER: (under breath) Flying elephants...brilliant. Where did you spend the most time during the creation process?

GOD: Honestly, the details. It's the little things that take up the most time.

And humans, well, they were a project all on their own. Ensuring they had the right balance of intelligence, creativity, and curiosity took some fine-tuning.

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to program a sense of humor!

INTERVIEWER: (looking at the clock) And now, a question I think everyone wants to know. How satisfied are you with humanity?

GOD: Ah, humanity. Well, it's a bit of a mixed bag, isn't it? You have done some truly amazing things—art, science, pizza.

But then there are those moments when I think, "Did I forget to include a commonsense chip?"

(chuckles) Overall, I'd say it's a work in progress. There's potential, though—loads of it. I'm optimistic.

I just need to update the firmware every now and then.

INTERVIEWER: (sighs heavily) One more thing that many people are curious about—what can you say about Adam and Eve's situation in the Garden of Eden? What's the deal with the snake?

GOD: Ah, the Garden of Eden. That was supposed to be a perfect little paradise. Adam and Eve were my first humans, and I wanted to give them a good start.

The snake, though—well, let's just say that was a bit of a hiccup in the plan. I gave them free will, and the snake exploited that. It was a test to see if they could resist temptation. Spoiler alert: they didn't. But who hasn't made a bad choice because someone whispered in their ear? The snake was crafty, but it was all part of the grand design to allow humanity to choose. Free will isn't free if there are no real choices, right?

INTERVIEWER: (checking watch again) Can you tell us something about Adam's or Eve's reaction to the Garden of Eden?

GOD: Of course. I remember once Adam said, "I am the happiest man alive!" And Eve said, "I wish we could stay here forever." They were thrilled with the setup until the whole Apple incident.

After they were kicked out, they had to learn to slow down and pursue a quieter way of life.

Adam and Eve learning to slow down and pursue a quieter way of life after being kicked out of Eden was a big lesson. It's a lesson I hope humanity picks up on, too—sometimes, it's okay to pause, take a breath, and enjoy the beauty around you.

You don't need to be in a rush constantly—leave that to me!

INTERVIEWER: (stands up, clearly ready to leave) Thank you for sharing this incredible story with us, God. Do you have any last words for our viewers?

GOD: Just this: keep exploring, learning, and growing. Remember, the journey is just as important as the destination. And who knows? Maybe one day, you'll surprise even me. Keep up the good work—mostly. Thanks for having me, New York! Until next time!

INTERVIEWER: (already walking off) Thank you again. This has been a truly enlightening experience. Until next time, everyone! (muttering) If there is a next time...