Santa’s got a problem

“I am sick of this. He’s fat, he’s lazy, he works once a year and we work every single day making all these toys. Have you ever seen a paycheck? I haven’t. When’s the last time you saw your family? For millennia we’ve been complaining about this and asking for change, but nothing ever changes. The only thing that changes is what those freaking kids ask for out there. How in the dang frick am I supposed to build this little fool an Xbox? I know, I know I say the same thing every year and you roll your eyes at me every single time, but I know you’re sick of it too. How many hours have you spent in the last week building these impossible things? Yeah, it’s Christmas time I get it, but you haven’t seen your wife in a month and a half Steve.” lamented Patrick.

“Dude, we all know you’re right., Keep your head down and keep working. What the hell am I supposed to do about any of this! This is our only option. I get that you’re sick of me mocking you, but you go ahead and tell me what happened to the last thousand elves that complained just like you do. No, I haven’t seen my wife in two months and a half actually. What am I supposed to do about it? Quit? Don’t bring this up again. I won’t make fun of you, but do not bring this up again because they will hear you and I don’t wanna be involved in your mess!” Steve retorted extensively.

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year, with kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be a good cheer…“

Patrick began to sob. It was the third time this week that he would break down. Santa was sitting in his office. The elves would sit in front of this conveyor belt with all the parts necessary of what it was that they were building and with the speed way too fast for the human eye, they would assemble to the best of their ability the requested item. They wore green hats with a white rim and a golden bell at the end of it. They were one and a half feet tall, had rose colored cheeks, and were often joyful in expression. The elves worked on the assembly floor, one on each side of the conveyor belt, the floor colored in ruby red with plenty of sun, coming in from the large windows and all from the purview of Santa in his office. Leading up to his office were two winding staircases that were green and red in alternating patterns flanked by a blue handrail.

It was true what they said about Santa. He was asleep and when he was awake, he was ruthless. Nothing was ever done right, nothing fast enough, and never a dime given to the elves. For over 1000 years, they never really complained about the lack of pay, because there was never really anything to buy in the north pole. Around the time that the humans were improving upon their abilities to explore the globe they found the north pole. There was a 50 year attempt in which the humans raided the north pole, but were unable to capture it given its eternal protective enchantment which was given at its inception. No human, would ever prevail against the gates of Santa’s factory. 

Despite all of this, he is still the only one that can do his job, the only one that will do his job and the only one that has done his job. As fast as the elves make gifts, Santa delivers the presents much faster. This doesn’t mean he isn’t a complete hazard. Just 76 years ago he was drunk at the reigns and drove his sled—with all the reindeer mind you—straight into the ocean and was swallowed up by a whale. Thank goodness at this time it was only a test run, but it took Three days to find him and get him released. The elves suspected that Santa did it on purpose given that he had to deliver presents to a city he hated going to. Now, we won’t mention what city, but the man from whom this city was named after is certainly no longer being represented there. Maybe, he didn’t thrust himself into a whale on purpose, but he seemingly found himself in the middle of the ocean when he was not needed anywhere out there. Getting stuck in a whale did not relieve him of his responsibilities. Though we said that we got him out, it was really Providential, given that he was coughed up by the whale on the shores of this magnanimous city. When his tracker finally came back on, they were able to locate him and went to him. When they found him, he was grumbling about having to continue on this route, and after having finished his practice run in the city, he didn’t even return to the north pole immediately. He found a Joshua tree in the outskirts of the city, sat there and attempted to relish in the shade briefly provided by this tree. I say briefly, because winter had just gotten there, and the tree was on its way Out, and the leaves fell from the tree the very next day. Again, the elves came to find him and he was grumbling once again. They urged him to come back to the north pole and he relented, but eventually he went with them.

Before all of this, Santa was pretty unbearable to deal with. Since then, though he has become even worse. Which is what the elves constantly complain about. It is true that Santa has gotten rid of many of his complaining elves. Santa understands the kind of boss that he is and why its difficult to work for him. Despite all this, just like the elves, Santa is forced into this position. For the rest of the human race or at the very least until the enchantment wears off, Santa and the elves must continue working to bring joy to all the world.