One Day In the Nursery

One Day in the Nursery  

Willy: “God dammit! Do they ever turn the #%&! lights off around here?! How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep?!” 

Nate: “Do you eat with that mouth?! Watch your language, Willy! There are ladies present.” 

Gert: “Knock it off, Nate. This is the 21st Century. We don’t need any of your machismo-laced, pretentious bravado to protect us. We can take care of ourselves.” 

Prissy: “I think it’s sweet, Nate. It reminds me of Sir Lancelot of the Knights of the Round Table.” 

Willy: “Hey, Prissy, your Sir Lancelot just pooped in his pants!” 

Nate: “Shut up, Willy!” 

Sherwin: “Stop the arguing, you guys. Everybody’s looking.” 

Willy: “Good catch, Einstein. When did you first notice everyone is watching us all the time? People are at that window all day long. It gives me the creeps.” 

Sherwin: “It’s like we’re animals at the zoo. You’d think they’d have a little respect for our privacy.”  

Molly: “We should charge admission. I bet the grandparents would pay a bundle to see us. I mean, look how cute we are.” 

Willy: “What the hell are we going to spend money on?” 

Prissy: “I’d like a new cap. This thing is ugly.” 

Willy: “You’re ugly.” 

Nate: “Knock it off, Willy! Or I’ll come over and bust you right in the chops!” 

Willy: “Oh, I’m so scared. You can’t even walk yet, you dope.” 

Sherwin: “I think Molly has a good idea. Really, it’s standing room only out there all day long. College players are starting to get paid. Why shouldn’t we cash in, you know, make hay while the sun is shining? We’re the big attraction. We’re entitled to reasonable compensation.” 

Gert: “What would we do with money, Sherwin? We can’t go anywhere.” 

Sherwin: “We could just save it, you know, for a car someday, or college.” 

Willy: “I don’t believe this.” 

Nate: “Quiet you guys! Nurse Ratched is coming!” 

Willy: “You mean, Nurse Rat-shit. Ha, ha, ha.” 

Nate, Sherwin, Willy, Molly, Gert, Prissy: “Ha, ha, ha.” 

Nurse Ratched: “What’s going on in here?! You guys think it’s all fun and games, don’t you? Wait until you get out in the real world and have to bust your butt like I do every day. Listening to your crying and whining all night and then having to bottle feed so many of you. I’ve about had it! Ok, feeding time. I’ll be right back to take you all to your moms. Try to get your diapers changed while you’re there. I need a break. And I don’t want to hear any of this ‘couldn’t latch on’ crap. You’re going to eat at dinner time, or you go to bed hungry!” 

Willy: “Bitch.” 

Nurse Ratched: “What?! Who said that?!” 

Willy: “Said what? I didn’t hear anything. Did you guys hear anything?” 

Sherwin: “No, I didn’t hear anything.” 

Molly: “Me neither.” 

Nate: “Nothing.” 

Nurse Ratched: “Well, you better watch it. I’m warning you. Or you’re all going to be sleeping in poopy diapers.” 

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Molly: “Wow, I’m full! How about you guys?” 

Nate: “Yeah, me too. How about you, Willy. Ha, ha.” 

Molly: “What’s so funny?” 

Nate: “Haven’t you seen Willy’s mom? She looks like Olive Oyl. It would be like trying to get milk out of a stick.” 

Sherwin: “A stick? That sounds more like Twiggy! Ha, ha, ha.” 

Nate: “That’s a good one, Sherwin. Twiggy, I like that. Like trying to latch on to a sheet of plywood! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” 

Willy: “Not funny, you guys. At least my mom’s not like Sherwin’s.” 

Sherwin: “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Willy: “Are you kidding? Your mom looks like she belongs on a dairy farm.” 

Sherwin: “Oh, yeah? Well, your mom wears combat...sneakers.” 

Nate: “Oh, for Christ’s sake, Sherwin. It’s not sneakers. It’s combat boots, you dope.” 

Sherwin: “Yeah, that’s what I meant. Willy’s mom wears combat boots.” 

Willy: “I don’t believe this. I’m stuck in here with a bunch of buffoons.” 

Gert: “Alright guys, that’s enough. It’s getting a little too crude...and nasty.” 

Nate: “Oh, sorry, Miss 21st Century liberated woman. I thought you could take the rough talk.” 

Gert: “Rough, not stupid.” 

Prissy: “Yeah, I don’t think we should be talking about the size of our mothers’...you know.” 

Willy: “Uh, I don’t know. Why don’t you spell it out for us, Prissy? ‘Hear me roar’- give me a break. You dames are all alike.” 

Gert: “Dames!? You ignorant male chauvinist pig! You’re lucky I can’t get over there. I’d roar your %#@! eyes out, you @#%! brainless Neanderthal.” 

Molly: “Stop it! She’s coming.” 

Nurse Ratched: “Stop squirming, Sherwin, your grandmother is here to see you. I don’t know why anyone would want to see you, but I have to haul you over to the window. Smile and make it look like you’re happy here.” 

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Willy: “Oh my God, will you look at that!” 

Prissy: “Look at what?” 

Willy: “Are you serious? Just look at those...things. It’s easy to see where Sherwin’s mom got her...things...from.” 

Gert: “Jesus Christ, Willy, stop with the ‘things’ crap. Or are you such a little weasel you can’t say it?! Boobs, Willy! Boobs, boobs, boobs!” 

Nate: “Uh, this is getting a little weird. Do you think we could talk about something else?” 

Molly: “Maybe we could talk about selling our baby pictures.” 

Gert: “Unbelievable. Willy’s first couple days on earth and he’s already hung up on boobs. Men are pigs.” 

Prissy: “We could get a couple of group shots. Maybe do a baby calendar.” 

Molly: “Shh, she’s coming back.” 

Nurse Ratched: “Alright, it’s just getting too crazy out there. We’ve got dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. It’s like they all showed up at once. I’m just going to shove you all over to the window, and they can look at all of you, just like they do at the county fair. They won’t know who’s who, but who cares? Babies all look pretty much the same. Just smile a lot.” 

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Willy: “Wow, look at the boy in the blue shirt. That is one ugly kid.” 

Nate: I’ll bet he’s Sherwin’s brother. Ha, ha, ah.” 

Sherwin: “Not funny, you guys.” 

Prissy: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” 

Willy: “Oh my God, Prissy. You are such a nerd. I bet your dad’s going to have to pay some poor guy to take you to prom.” 

Molly: “That’s not nice, Willy.” 

Gert: “I guess we know who Willy will be taking to prom.” 

Prissy: “Who’s that?” 

Gert: “The girl with the biggest...things!” 

Molly, Prissy, Gert: “Ha, ha, ha!” 

Nate: “Hey, look at the old man with the Dumbo ears. Willy, that must be your grandfather!” 

Sherwin, Molly, Prissy, Gert, Nate: “Ha, ha, ha!” 

Willy: “Nate, check out the guy with the big nose. He must be your dad, or maybe your uncle. Looks like you’re going to be able to smoke a cigar in the shower!” 

Sherwin, Willy, Molly, Gert, Prissy: “Ha, ha, ha!” 

Molly: “Boys, boys, boys. I think we should maybe all try to be nicer to each other.” 

Willy: “Why?” 

Molly: “Well, we will only be together for a couple of days, our very first days on this earth. These should be nice, special, good memories. What do you say, Willy?” 

Willy: “I say mind your own business, Miss Goodie-Two-Shoes.” 

Gert: “Forget it, Molly. He's hopeless." 

Nate: “Hey, let’s get back to watching the people outside the window.” 

Prissy: “Yeah, people watching is fun. I wonder if they know they’re being watched all the time.” 

Sherwin: “They watch us, we watch them. Turnabout is fair play.” 

Nate: “Look at that pretty lady. I bet she’s related to Molly...or maybe Prissy.” 

Gert: “Excuse me, what the #@%! does that mean? Like I’m not pretty? Why don’t you just say it you inconsiderate #%@! Go ahead, tell me I’m ugly.” 

Willy: “There we go. Yeah, Nate, tell her how ugly she is.”  

Gert: “Shut up, you #@%!” 

Nate: “No, Gert, I don’t think you’re ugly. I mean, you’re pretty...in your own way.” 

Sherwin: “I think you’re making it worse, Nate.”  

Gert: “Oh just shut up, Nate, before I honk that big nose of yours.” 

Willy: “Bingo!” 

Prissy: “Hey, those people are looking right at me! How does my hair look?” 

Molly: “Prissy, you don’t have any hair.” 

Prissy: “Oh, I forgot.” 

Willy: “You can probably pick up a hat in the gift shop on the way out so everyone doesn’t laugh at you. Ha, ha, ha.” 

Gert: “You’re not exactly a Brad Pitt yourself, Willy.” 

Molly: “Ooo, Brad Pitt, he’s hot.” 

Sherwin: “Oh yeah, he’s really ho...I mean...yes... he’s a really good actor.” 

Nate: “Willy? He’s more like Danny DeVito!” 

Gert, Molly, Prissy, Nate, Sherwin: “Ha, ha, ha!” 

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Sherwin: “Hey, I saw my mom had a TV in her room. How come we don’t get a TV in here?” 

Willy: “I know. I think they all have TVs. That’s bullshit, man.” 

Nate: “My dad was watching a football game when I was in there. That was pretty cool.” 

Willy: “Who was playing?” 

Nate: “The Packers and the Bears. The Packers were up by 3 late in the 4th quarter.” 

Willy: “Damn! I would have been all over that one. I’d have taken the Bears with the spread.” 

Prissy: “We should all go on strike or something until we get a TV.” 

Willy: “On strike? What the hell would we stop doing? We don’t do a freaking thing except eat and poop.” 

Molly: “I don’t want to be rude, but speaking of poop...something smells awfully bad in here.” 

Willy: “Oh my God. I’m getting it over here now. Jesus Christ! It had to be Sherwin. He’s got the worst poops in the world!” 

Sherwin: “It wasn’t me.” 

Willy: “Right.” 

Prissy: “I think I’m going to pass out.” 

Nate: “Dammit, Sherwin, can’t you...” 

Willy: “Nurse Rat-Shit's coming!” 

Nurse Ratched: “Alright you little whiners...oh, my God, what’s that smell?! Jesus Christ! I can’t take it. I’m out of here!” 

Willy: “Ha...” 

Nate: “Ha, ha...” 

Willy, Nate, Sherwin, Molly, Gert, Prissy: “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” 

Willy: “Ok, Sherwin, I’ll give you that one. That was worth it.” 

Gert: “Did you see the look on her face? I thought she was going to toss her cookies!” 

Willy, Nate, Sherwin, Molly, Gert, Prissy: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” 

Nate: “Hey, Sherwin, can you drop one of those bombs on demand? I mean for like the next time she comes in? That was awesome.” 

Sherwin: “I can sure try.” 

Willy: “If I had your feeding station, I’d be pooping all day long!” 

Willy, Nate, Molly, Gert, Prissy: “Ha, ha, ha, ha.” 

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Gert: “She’s coming back.” 

Nurse Ratched: “Phew, that was nasty.”  

Willy, Nate, Sherwin, Molly, Gert, Prissy: “Ha, ha, ha.” 

Nurse Ratched: “It’s moving day. Thank God. You’re all going home. I feel sorry for your poor parents. You’re the worst group I ever had. Get ready, I’ll be back in a few minutes.” 

Molly: “Well, I guess this is it.” 

Nate: “Yeah. We’ll all be going our separate ways.” 

Sherwin: “I wonder what it will be like out there. This place had its challenges, but I got used to it. I got used to being with all of you.” 

Willy: “They say change is hard.” 

Gert: “The fear of the unknown.” 

Prissy: “I’m going to miss you guys.”  

Gert: “Hey, no crying...but I guess I’m going to miss all of you too, even Willy. Sorry for some of the things I said, Willy.” 

Willy: “That’s ok, Gert. I’m sure I wasn’t the best guy to have around. We were all in a tough place. We were just doing what we needed to do to get through it. I’m sorry too.” 

Molly: “I think I’m going to cry.” 

Sherwin: “It’s ok. I feel the same way.” 

Prissy: “Do you think we’ll ever see each other again?” 

Nate: “People say they will, but it never works out that way. I’m afraid this is it.” 

Prissy: “I don’t want to say goodbye.” 

 Molly: “I hate goodbyes.” 

Gert: “Then let’s not say goodbye, none of us. Let’s all just come up with one last thing to say to each other. We say it all at once, and then that’s it.” 

Willy: “Sounds good. I’m in. Let’s do it.” 

Gert: “Ok, on the count of three, we all say what’s on our mind, and then we’re gone forever. One... two...three...” 

Willy, Nate, Sherwin, Gert, Molly, Prissy: “I love you guys.”