Dating Gone Pharaoh

Dating Gone Pharaoh 

The first sign of the change was a quiet stridulation.  It was a pulling and rubbing noise that created a low hum as each bone was knitted and formed.  Then a moist, sliding sound as muscle and tendons formed to create movement. Each organ was a soft ‘thump' as it slid into place of the gapping abdominal cavity.  Next came the whistling sound of sand forced into movement as skin enveloped the forming figure.  Lastly, the faint rhythmic drumming of a heartbeat and muffled rushing of blood indicated life at last.  The old man released a long satisfied whistle at his creation.  

The woman staggered awkwardly with her newly formed limbs.  She took short, gasping breaths trying to remember the rhythm of breathing after all this time.  The air burned her lungs and smelt entirely unfamiliar.  Her tongue was too large and too dry in her sandpaper mouth.  She searched the dark, bizarre surroundings for water.  Seeing none she looked at the man and croaked, “Water.” 

 “Of course, of course.  Silly me.  I will go fetch us some refreshment.”  He exited the small room quickly and promptly returned with a set of wooden cups filled to the brim with cool, delicious water.  The woman audibly gulped down the fluid and snatched the other cup before the man thought to take his refreshment.  The man uncomfortably chuckled at the woman, “Been a while since you had something to drink, am I right?” 

The woman straightened up and met the gaze of the man who brought her life. 

“Where am I?  What has happened? Who are you?” After so many spoken words in this lifetime, her voice was rusty and followed by a dry, hacking cough.

The man wrinkled his nose in disdain as the wretched smell of decay permeated the air following her expulsion. “Oh dear, I do hope that fades over time.  The spell did not mention that odor at all.   Yes, you must have many questions and it is rather a long story so I will just get to the important bits.  I am your future husband, uh, Lord Baudet.  I am a poor Lord, thus I had to find employment.  That led me to archaeology as that is one of the few aristocratic jobs I believe a noble can do with a certain measure of honor and decorum.”

The woman cleared her throat impatiently, exhaling more putrid air in the face of the verbose Lord Baudet.  His face puckered in disgust, “Right, right.  Well, I have always been quite fascinated with your story.  Thankfully, your tomb was never found.  So I made it my life mission to find you, bring you back to life, and then marry you.  I did have to make a very questionable deal with Osiris, well, I think it was Osiris.  That was an adventure, let me tell you!  Anyway, that’s the gist of it, my dear Mernie.”

A loud rumble filled the silent room after Lord Baudet concluded his useless narrative on the resurrection of Mernie.  She clutched her abdomen and doubled over slightly, “I am hungry.  Is there food?”  

Lord Baudet groaned in dismay.  “Food!  No, I did not think of that.  But it is fine, I have some clothes.  I shall take you out to eat!  I know just the place.”

Hunger gnawed at her, propelling her forward through the overwhelming throng of drab, overdressed people.  “Mernie! Wait up!  You don’t know where you are going.” A gritty, dry hand grasped at her hand trying to slow her pace.  

The man had taken hours to prepare for their first outing, changing tops, pants, jackets, and even adorning multiple types of head coverings.  Lord Baudet had exactly one outfit selected for Mernie as she was draped in a scandalous golden strappy top and skirt that was hurriedly worn to not delay her access to food.  As every moment passed, Mernie’s hunger grew exponentially until it hurt.  

She looked at the pale gentleman with watery blue eyes and snarled, “Feed me now.”

The man’s pink, feathery lips slid down into a frown as he recoiled from her animalistic demand.  “I am sorry Mernie.  But that is simply not how you talk to your future husband on our first date.” He straightened his back in an attempt to match the statuesque presence of the woman before him.  He failed miserably by the estimation of onlookers.

Mernie sighed and exhaled fine, floating particles of dust that smelled of exotic herbs and a faint putrid odor of death.  After carefully considering her options for a moment, she bowed her head in acquiescence.  “Lead the way, Lord.  I am grateful for your guidance.” 

After two blocks, Lord Baudet happily flourished his hands towards the front of a dim storefront proudly announcing ‘London’s BEST pizzeria.’  

“Now this is an entirely novel experience that will blow you away, my dear!”  Lord Baudet yanked the door open and Mernie inhaled deeply to capture the scents of her anticipated first meal since re-birth.  But there was nothing - no tantalizing scents of cumin, coriander, or roasted meat.  Her mouth remained gritty and dry as a single drop of salvia failed to form.  

“What is a pizzeria, Lord Baudet?”  She attempted to discreetly look at the other tables in the restaurant to see what delicacies would be offered at the establishment, but there was only one family in the far corner, and then a single woman perched uncomfortably in her chair with only a cup in front of her.  The waitress deposited them directly opposite the walkway from the pale, rigid woman who nervously sipped on her water.  Mernie nodded graciously to the woman.   

Lord Baudet waved a bony hand in Mernie’s direction to focus her attention.  “PIZZA is a modern-day delight!  Dough smothered with tomato sauce and melted cheese.  You can choose other toppings to add to your pizza.” His voice trailed off as he scanned the menu.  “But I have to say the deal is for two toppings only, so be mindful when making your choice.”

Mernie handled the greasy menu gingerly as she considered her options.  Food was her top priority.  But after that could she just go back to the house of Lord Baudet?  She shuddered with revulsion at the idea of what men often expect from a woman they have ‘saved.’  Mernie decided that she would have to eat first so her mind could think more clearly.  She looked at the woman at the opposite table who appeared to know exactly what she wanted to eat. 

Mernie leaned across their table and inquired, “Excuse me, what food is most palatable at this establishment?”  

The woman looked around her, unnerved that someone would address her.  Realizing that she was indeed the target of the conversation she replied, “Honestly, no clue.  This is my first time here.  Just moved to London and heard good things about this place.  Plus it’s cheap, which is also good.”  

Lord Baudet bristled at the word cheap.  “The food has good value, which is difficult to find in London these days.  Mernie, you will have pepperoni pizza.  Simple, traditional, and sure to please.  What would you like to drink?”

With a sigh of relief and a smile, Mernie replied,  “Wine.  It must be the best wine of this time!”

“A fantastic idea, Mernie.”  Lord Baudet snapped his fingers to capture the attention of a waitress.  An even more sullen young man appeared with pen and paper in hand.  Lord Baudet, with a flair for grandiose, requested the largest bottle of Country Manor wine that they had on hand.  

The waiter trudged off to obtain the request.  Lord Baudet reclined satisfied in his chair and admired his beautiful prize.

 “I would like to discuss our upcoming nuptials,” Baudet announced loudly for everyone to overhear.  

The restaurant fell silent waiting to hear the beautiful woman's response.  Surely such an absurd old man would not marry the lithe, dark-haired exotic creature.  

The silence was interrupted by a loud rumble akin to the sound of a far-off thunderstorm.  The beautiful woman slapped her hand down on the table and groaned with discomfort.  She replied with as much charisma as she could muster.  “Why, my lord, what did you have in mind?”

Lord Baudet and the stranger seated across from them grimaced at the rank odor that filled the space after Mernie exhaled deeply to breathe through the hunger pains.

“Erm, I was thinking about the Natural History Museum in London.  Goes with the whole archeologist gig.”

The blonde woman audibly choked on her water, a fine mist spraying towards Mernie as the waiter deposited an overfull wine glass and bottle in front of the couple.  Mernie swigged back the pale yellow liquid quickly.  Within an instant, remorse and anger flashed across Mernie’s face.  She flung the wine haphazardly, sending its contents in the direction of the woman gently dabbing the corners of her mouth.  

Mernie yelled out, “What sort of drink is that?  It tastes of camel urine!”  She attempted to eliminate the acrid vinegar taste that offended her senses by gulping down more water.   

Lord Baudet flushed angrily.  “That happens to be my most favorite wine.  The spell obviously affected your smell and sense of taste!”

The blonde yelled out, “Excuse me!”  She glared at both Mernie and Lord Baudet for not properly apologizing for ruining a rather posh blouse.  

Mernie handed over her napkin to the woman and spoke softly.  “I am so sorry.  What is your name?  Can I get you anything?”

The woman smiled shyly and replied, “Susan.”  She extended a delicate hand to the oddly fetid smelling, but beautiful woman.  “No, I don’t need anything.  I am interested to hear of your upcoming marriage.  I am a wedding planner.  New to the city, but I have actually made a few contacts at the Natural Museum.”

Lord Baudet swiveled his head in interest.  “You don’t say.  You might have seen my work there.  ‘Limestone Pot’ by Lord William Baudet is in one of the Egyptian display cases.”  He proudly flourished an image saved on a small electronic device.  Mernie examined the image and released a deep, musical laugh.  “Lord Baudet, you discovered one of our toilets.  You must be proud of such an immense accomplishment.”  

The man snatched the phone from Mernie’s hands and launched it into the air intending to smash it to the floor.  With unfortunate timing, the waiter returned grasping a large tray with two pizzas.  The phone bounced off the rim of the tray and flew towards Susan.  Onlookers watched with dismay as the phone landed directly in Susan’s right eye.  She screeched in pain and shock as nerve-related distress signals to her brain.   

Mernie glowered at Lord Baudet, “You should be more careful!  You have injured Susan!”

 The old man shrugged, “She will be fine.  We will hire her for the wedding.”  He looked intently at the woman clutching her sore face.  “Will you be okay with organizing our wedding?”

Susan nodded a meek agreement.  

Not sure of what to do next, Mernie grabbed the foul wine and guzzled it down.  It might be the worst wine ever created, but she wanted to feel the numb veil of alcohol for the evening.  She poured herself another large glass and tipped it down her dry, raspy throat.  A faint warmth began to extend from her center to her limbs.  She looked at Lord Baudet and Susan, then giggled at the sheer ridiculousness of her situation.  Then hunger reared its angry, howling head.   She examined the flat yellow, red form on the tray before her.  Perhaps food would salvage what has thus far been a rather horrendous night.  She slid two slices over two Susan who still had no food and took a large bite of a slice herself.  

She barely chewed the first bite.  On the second bite, she attempted to savor more methodically but hunger would not allow it.  The third bite Mernie forced herself to experience the flavor of pizza.  She struggled to taste it as the food naturally wanted to slide down her throat in an avalanche of grease.  But she determinedly chewed and chewed to see what this new age had to offer.  An acidic tomato base, followed by rubbery cheese with no discernable flavor which was topped by barely distinguishable meat that had a slight peppery taste.  Tears stung Mernie’s eyes.  She had hoped that people would do better in the years after her death, but this culinary experience was utterly demoralizing.

Mernie looked at Susan and asked, “How is your food?” 

Susan shrugged half-heartedly.  “It is okay.”

Mernie’s head spun to Lord Baudet.  “What right did you have to bring me back to this place?  I should kill you now for this insolence!”        

The decrepit man smiled with an egotistical glee and answered Mernie slowly.  “You are tethered to my life force.  If I die, you will disintegrate into the pile of dust from which I resurrected you!  You will be nothing once more without me!”

Mernie looked at the horrified Susan.  

“You should close your eyes, Susan.”

Susan gawked at the angry goddess sitting at the table next to her and a small squeak escaped her pursed lips.  She felt the prick of angry tears welled up as she clenched her eyes as instructed.  Susan felt her indignation rise as a hoarse whisper escaped her perfectly drawn red lips.  “I should have never left Norfolk.  London is the worst!”

A dark laugh that reverberated through the brains of all within the restaurant. Mernie looked maniacal.   She grasped a few wispy, white hairs upon Lord Baudet’s head and exposed his wrinkled neck. 

“I am Queen Merneith of Egypt, priestess of Neith.  This age, this food, and these people would never be acceptable in my time.”  Queen Merneith waved her hand over the patrons and stabbed an accusatory finger in the direction of a sad pepperoni pizza with congealed cheese topping.  “I was married to King Djet and the proud mother of King Den.  I will accept certain death to escape bondage to such a weak, petulant, old man!”

A dull steak knife could be heard tearing through his aged flesh and Susan gasped in shock as she was covered in a warm, wet fluid and a harsh metallic taste filled her mouth.  The staff and onlookers covered their ears and eyes as Susan’s voice screamed- “I will never eat here AGAIN!”