The Rise and Fall of Sir Pee-nut Seedfleenger

"This is the story of the rise and fall of Sir Pee-nut Seedfleenger and how he came to live with me. It all began the day that Pee-nut hatched. He was very young just like you were when you hatched."

"I wasn't hatched, Uncle Steven! I was borned from mommy's tummy," Anna said.

Steven smiled. He loved the way she tilted her head and held her index finger high when making her point. He reached out and gave her a little tickle under her armpit. "And sometimes when I see your mommy, I think there's another YOU still in there," and poked her belly.

"That a crack on my weight?" came a stern voice from the kitchen. "Because I can add a few things to your chicken if it is."

Steven winked at Anna. She winked back, but nodded her head as she did. "Not at all, sister. You know how much I love you. You're my favorite sister!"

"I'm your only sister, knucklehead."

"Come on, Uncle Steven. The story."

"So, anyway, when he was old enough, he had to start school. So his parents let him flock over there with the rest of the chicks. There they learned to hunt for food, scratching and foraging with their feet and legs. The instructors, though, quickly realized that Pee-nut differed from the others."

"Because he was a parkeet!" Anna piped up.

"Par-a-keet," Steven corrected, tapping her nose for each syllable. She let out a little giggle. "Yes,and that wasn't the only reason he was so different. He is bright yellow after all with a spot of white on each side of his face. They were robins, wrens, sparrows and so on. Mostly boring colors. And they couldn't pronounce his last name. He became very sensitive about how he is addressed. Especially his name. Pee-nut Seedfleenger."

"So he always spell'ded it."

"Yep, he always did. Still does. Pee-nut Seedfleenger. That's S-e-e-d-f-l-E-E-n-g-e-r, not i-n-g-e-r. He always stresses the two E's even when saying it so there is no misunderstanding. He doesn't want people thinking it is descriptive, even if he can and does fling seeds all over the place. He is quite messy."

"Based on the last time I visited, you are also," his sister said from the kitchen.

"Bird's of a feather, sis."

"The story Uncle Steven!" Her already high pitched voice raised another octave as she reached the end of his name.

"Anyway, he really stood out among his flockmates and that made him a little unsure of himself at first. That is, until he realized how well he strutted and danced compared to the others. They watched in awe as he danced around, fluttering his almost iridescent yellow body and bobbing his head to music from the instructing songbirds; and even found himself able to join in with them in song."

"He is very talented," Anna said.

"Yes he is," Steven said, "and that eventually led him to New York city where he made quite a name for himself in an all cock revue as a member of the Chirpendales."

"Steven!"

"Calm down sister. It is what the male birds are called."

"Well you didn't use the term the last time you told the story, and she's only four!"

"It's not a bad word, and it slipped out. It is what they're called." Steven looked at Anna and whispered, "Forget that word."

"Ok, which one?" she cupped her hand to his ear and whispered back.

"Nevermind," Steven said, doing it back to her.

"So, back to the story. Word got around and eventually hens from all over the city came just to see him. He really put a show on for them, too. They paid him handsomely to sing and dance and strut his stuff on the stage. He even sang for them, sometimes making a few of those hens swoon."

"What's 'swoon,' Uncle Steven?"

"Kind of like being dizzy. Like when I spin you around."

She got a serious look on her face. "I don't always like that."

"I know. You threw up on me last time."

She let out a big sigh. So cute! "I'm sorry. I just eated and it made my belly sick."

Steven chuckled. "Mine too."

Her eyes brightened. "This is where Pee-nut met Jayne."

"Yep. Blue Jayne Sweet-tuft. An accomplished dancer herself, she heard of Pee-nut from a fellow Squakette she performed with at the Radio City Music Hall. She also sang at a local nightclub, Warblers, hoping for her big break. Singing professionally was her dream.

When Pee-nut spotted her in the audience, he knew he had to meet her. Unfortunately, she left before his show ended."

"Poor Pee-nut," Anna said.

"Yes, but," Steven continued, "he asked around and found out she danced for the Squakettes. So he attended every show he could just to see her. He always perched in the front rafters and watched as she high-kicked and strutted with the others. He knew she noticed him. He saw her glance his way many times. Then one evening after watching her dance, one of the Squakettes caught him in the hallway, wordlessly placed a flier in his wingtip, and glided off. It happened so quickly he didn't have a chance to ask any questions. When he looked at the flier, he saw that it advertised Blue Jayne Sweet-tuft singing at Warblers. The message had to come from her!

So he went to Warblers and watched her perform. Her singing enchanted him more than her dancing. Afterward, he met with her backstage. They sat and talked for a long time. He really, really liked her; and she had really nice boobies too."

His sister almost sounded apoplectic. "I swear to God, Steven, I'm going to come in there and beat you with this spoon."

"Blue Footed Boobies, sister. They're birds, and they're Jayne's back-up singers. Pee-nut thought they were very nice. Downright pleasant in fact."

"That isn't how it came across."

"I'm going to buy you an Audubon book for Christmas so you can brush up on your birds."

"I have Google. Thank you very much."

"I could've said titmouse you know."

"You just did. No more double entendres or I'm going to season your chicken breast with Drano. Got it!"

"YOU just said breast."

"Shut-up, knucklehead."

Anna looked concerned. "Why are you and mommy fighting?"

"We aren't fighting, Anna," Steven said, "just having a lively discussion."

"Well, I don't like it one bit," Anna said, looking stern herself and forcefully crossing her arms.

"You are teaching her well, sister. She has that look pretty down pat."

"Shut up and finish your story. Nicely."

"Ok sister. Will do. Nicely." He gave Anna a quick peck on the cheek. "You can uncross your arms and smile again. Your mom and I are ok now." And just that quick, she relaxed her arms and smiled that heart melting smile. Amazing.

"Good!" she said.

"So Pee-nut and Jayne hung out for a while, and he thought she might be the one for him. One day, though, she disappeared without so much as a goodbye. Pee-nut looked everywhere for her. Finally, he found out from one of her fellow Squakettes that on a whim she took off with a lark. The lark promised her fame as part of a duo with him. According to the Squakette, he went by Dick."

He saw Anna's mind working. "Dick and Jayne."

"Yep, weird eh? Just like your books," Steven said.

She nodded vigorously. "Yes, weird. Poor Pee-nut."

"Poor Pee-nut. But, remember, he got knighted while looking for her."

"Queen Lisbeth!" Anna said.

"E-liz-a-beth," Steven corrected, tapping her nose again. She giggled. "He didn't know she was the queen or that she visited New York. He only knew that a French Poodle named Jacques wanted to use her like a fire hydrant. Apparently trying to make a political statement.

Pee-nut never liked Jacques, so he swooped down and kept Jacques distracted until he gave up and went away. Pee-nut's bravery so impressed the queen that she knighted him right there. Unfortunately she had no sword available, but she did have a jewel encrusted letter opener. Since Pee-nut was so small, it worked fine. I dub thee Sir Pee-nut Seedfleenger, she said to him while tapping him gently on each wing. He didn't have proper shoulders."

"That made him more speshul, didn't it Uncle Steven?"

"It made him even more full of himself, that's for sure. He decided he was too good to dance with the Chirpendale's anymore and that he should be an actor."

"Like in my TV shows," Anna said.

"Yes, only he never got anywhere to speak of. First he tried to sell a script, starring him of course, about a dancing team of birds. He called it 'Magic Shrike.' That didn't pan out as he'd hoped."

"Why?" Anna asked, raising her arms in question.

"Been done before, I guess. He did score a bit part as a stunt double for a live action Sylvester and Tweety movie. Unfortunately, the cat that played Sylvester got a little carried away and almost ate Pee-nut. Pee-nut quit right then. The cat that played Sylvester did manage to eat the star, so they canceled the movie."

"Poor Tweety," Anna said.

"Yep. Never happened that way in the cartoons. Lucky Pee-nut though"

"Yes!" Again the vigorous nod. Steven loved it.

"Pee-nut did hit it big doing voice overs for nature videos and relaxation music. He became frustrated to not get better parts and gained a reputation for being hard to work with. Eventually no more offers came his way and his money dried up. Unable to pay his rent, he ended up homeless."

"Then he came to live with you!" Anna said.

"Not yet. First he met Finch. Finch promised him plenty of money for help on a heist. Finch wanted Pee-nut's help in robbing the Burpee Seed Company. Desperate, Pee-nut agreed. A former associate of –"

"What's a 'sociate, Uncle Steven?"

"Ummm, someone else that helped Finch, I guess. Anyway, that someone else turned stool pigeon. The police were waiting when Finch and Pee-nut showed up. They arrested Pee-nut and put him in a cage."

"And then he came to live with you."

"Yes. They started a program to place jailbirds in foster homes and so he came to live with me. The end."

"Again, Uncle Steven!"

"I'm storied out, Anna! I've already told it three times."

"Pleeeaaassse!"

"No. Not now. Your uncle's tired."

Anna suddenly grabbed his cheeks and put her face right up to his. He saw the slight quiver of her lip and moisture well-up in her big, brown eyes. He felt himself weakening.

"Anna, we're going to eat soon," he said.

"I said please, Uncle Steven!" Again her voice rising an octave.

"Dinner isn't for about twenty-minutes and she loves this story almost as much as she loves you," his sister said from the kitchen. "And, remember Steven, restraint. No more double entendres."

Steven sighed and slowly reached up to pull Anna's hands from his cheeks. 

"This is the story of the rise and fall of Sir Pee-nut Seedfleenger and how he came to live with me…"