One Foot Forward

“The world isn’t always what’s right in front of you, you know? It’s below, it’s above, it’s out there somewhere. Every burn of every light inside every house I see when I look down from the rooftop has a story. Sometimes we just need to change our perspective” 

Present 

My cuts rub against the hardcore of the rock, blood sticking to the outer ends but I let my grip firm. I slowly bend my knee and bring up the right foot, pressing it against another stone and slowly climbing up. A thin blonde strand blows across my face and begins to tease the tip of my nose. My grip tightens. With self control molded as an armor, I take my left hand up to another rock. A drop of sweat falls on a rock and rolls down the cliff.

I wish I was the one who had died that day. 

***

Past

The sunrays brushed the heads with a content of warmth as the queue continued for seamless lengths. In front of me stood a girl, I knew since my first breath. The split ends of her raw hair kept on teasing my eyes and nose till I’d given up and sneezed. Trina was her name. Surname unknown. She was nothing less than a pile of bones held together by a thin layer of skin. Her eyes always seemed dry and lifeless; big voids of darkness and secrets. 

I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Mirrors were liars. A mere piece of broken glass sending you into a chasm of self consciousness. I used to trace my fingers down to the lengths of a crumpled body, my bosom barely filling my body and the way my hip doesn’t bring up my grace. I was a fool. 

I slowly took each step, looking down at my dirt wrapped feat, careful as if not trying to kill the little ants. I got a clear view of the plump lady as I now stood fourth in line. She was wearing a pretty pink dress with her belly bulging out like a watermelon. I’d always feel disgusted at the big dark mole on her nose.

“C’mon brats, bring it fast.” She yelled, pushing the girl first in line. 

I could now clearly feel her nasty breath tingling my forehead as she dumped a bowlful of greasy grey porridge in the little plate and handed it over to me. We’d get porridge each night as dinner and a cup of hot soup in the morning. 

Every time I see the scars, it takes me back to that horrible day. I had been hungry for days, the handful of porridge had pushed my body past its limits. I remained weak and crimped for days, barely able to walk. One day, I asked Miss Vanessa for extra food. I regretted the second the words fell out. Brutally, she grabbed me by the arm and gave me the beating for life. I was locked in a dark room for days. The bruises still lay sprinkled on my back, a reminder of the day I shudder at the thought of.

Present

I draw my eyeballs to the ends of the almond case. Slowly, I slightly turn my shoulders to the right and lower my head. A sudden shiver crawls through my back, every hair on my body standing on its tip. I was about a thousand meters above ground. The winds clash with my body with an empowering strength, defying my maintained gravity. With a swift second, I jerk my head up. I struggle through the fear with deep inhalations and after closing my eyes for a few seconds, my focus rejuvenates. 

Past 

Trina and I shared a room. It was an old dwelling, the size of a bathroom. Water seeped through the worn out walls, steadily tripping down from the ceiling to a little bucket underneath. The room stood for nothing but a bunker bed, a small wooden shelf, a closet and a white basin. We entered the room with trembling plates and settled ourselves among the grease.  

“Hey” I tried. 

“Hey” She replied, pressing her lips together into the best smile in the world. She pulled her black strand behind her ear. Without my notice, my hand was grazing the roof of my head, adjusting my loosely tied ponytail. 

“So…I uhm I..” I was so nervous that even the words slipped out of my mouth in broken fragments. No, I wasn’t nervous, I was scared. Not scared to question but scared at the possibilities of the answers. “I uh I actually saw you going to Miss Vanessa’s cabin. I-Is everything alright?” 

She didn’t reply straight away. The usual hollowness of her expressions had begun to fill with a cup of unknown liquid. Dangerous. Her eyebrows twitched. “I - she called me.” 

“She called you!” My voice grew louder by the end “Miss Vanessa called you!? Why?” 

“She wanted to tell me something.” 

“What?” 

“Uh…I, She got a call yesterday. A couple was ready to adopt me.” 

My head sank backwards. A fire ignited in the bottom of my heart, slowly and furiously climbing up and consuming it all. Just how easily the words rolled out her mouth, it burnt me more. It burnt like hell. Trina wasn’t a part of my soul, she was my soul. We had made matching rings out of little twigs we stole from the backyard, and how we had carved our name on the large rock we found the other day. 

And now she was going away… and I would be nothing but a broken piece in the dark. Sure, I would be happy at times but fake like mirrors. 

It took me a few seconds to realize. Trina had pulled me in her arms. I could hear her muffling against my ear, slow whimpers that would grow into loud sobs. 

“Shh, it’s okay.” I said, combing her hair with my fingers. “It’s alright” I assured, rather to myself than her.

She pulled away just as quickly. A single tear now threatened to spill…and it did. I was about to ask her whether Miss Vanessa could convince the couple to adopt us both, when Trina did the most shocking thing. 

Present

I can feel my leg muscles stretching and aching as I climb rock to rock. I am nearing the top. The sky gets wide and deep. Finally, I climb over a small boulder and the view opens up. I can see from here the infinite horizon. It feels like I am staring at the edge of the earth, where the water meets the sky. I allow the wideness to engulf my field of vision as I take a step forward. With the winds slapping my ears, I hear nothing. After walking a bit further, I stop and can see the ocean below me, lapping and frothing against the cliffs stretching out for miles. The tides are furious against the impenetrable walls. 

Past

Before I could ask her anything, Trina leaned in and kissed me. Just a little peck when the oblivion faded and she pulled away in embarrassment. Her cheeks flushed. I returned her the kiss. We stare at each other for a long while, time set to eternity. I was just waiting for her to say it. Just those three words. 

“You don’t have to be scared, Tri” I said. 

With a shaky breath, she put her hand over mine and leaned forward. Her vanilla scented breath fanned across my ear, sending down a train of goosebumps. 

I LOVE YOU. 

I was about to reply, hug her with all my might and show her how precious she was to me; but I never got time. The sudden grumblings of the ground had completely snatched that from me. It started with a low grumble to an enormous roar. Trina clung to my shoulder, my hand around her waist. The wooden shelves and closets toppled over each other. I entangled Trina’s fingers into my firm grip and we ran. We ran through the corridors, our arms defending us from the simultaneously breaking glasses, falling cupboards and a mob of freaked out orphans. 

The screams numbed my ears but my feet didn’t stop running. We jumped down the stairs. Running and running. 

My pupils dilated. All I could see was Trina and the exit. The grounds to freedom. 

Running and running. 

We were almost to the end, when Trina fell to her knees. 

“Trina!” I yelled on top of all the racket. 

She was sitting on top of her folded legs, humped like a ball. Her hand clutched around her stomach. She was bleeding. Profusely. I half sat down beside her to take a closer look. A large chunk of glass had pierced through her stomach, deeply embedded. The cracks were becoming prominent on the walls, rapidly making its way to the ceiling. 

“Y-you go.” Trina mumbles out, the blood now dripping off her mouth.

“Never! Come, I’ll carry you.” I fight against the footsteps. All the children walked upon us, herding, pushing and screaming. 

I slid my one arm under her knees and the other around her neck. I stumbled a bit and slowly, steadily took a step forward. Trina had stopped resisting. Pushing against the crowd, like a whole herd of sheep finally being let out in the open, we ran forward and scattered in the ground. We ran as far as possible from the building. Trina was pressed against my chest. 

We finally did it. We were safe!

“Are you alright?” I looked down at Trina. Her eyes were closed. I wished she had slept through the tiresome nights instead of staring at the stars all night. But I’d also wished she would wake up again. 

How could you do this to me, Trina? 

Present 

As I am ten feet away from the cliff edge, I am pretty sure there is no guardrail. A certain tension digs into my body. My back stiffens and skin ripples. I can feel an invisible magnet pulling me back. Back to safety. But I fight the magnet, I drag my feet closer to the edge. 

At five feet away, the electricity inside my brain triggers. Not only do I see the edge but down the cliff too which includes all the unwanted visuals of tripping, falling, tumbling to a splashy death. 

I tell my mind to shut up and inch forward. At three steps away, it feels like I am on an errant shoelace-trip of my life ending. It feels as though a hefty gust of wind would send me sailing off into that blue-bisected eternity and I’d be plummeted to my death. I could see the glimpse of the bottom, the vast languid sea, one as beautiful and mesmerizing; still scary.  

Two feet now. My limbs vibrate and my body instinctively crouches. I try to catch my breath and collect my thoughts. I force myself to stare down at water hitting the rocks below me. My body shudders, a fear becoming euphoric and blinding. I straighten up and look out again - this time smiling. 

I bend down, slightly leaning back. I put my hands down and gently lower myself to butt. My legs now swing across the open air, kicking into an indescribable joy. A joy of freedom. An acknowledgement of existence. 

I collect my breath into my lungs and with a loud scream, let it all out. All the burden, all the guilt, all the suffocation. 

I LOVE YOU TOO, TRINA!

*** 

Julie, the protagonist in our story, has rode through a painful trough in her life. After successfully escaping from the orphanage, she and her fellow orphans buried Trina. Julie began working in a small tea shop. Once a regular visitor of hers asked about her parents. When he came to know of her being an orphan; he contacted one of his old friends who was looking to adopt a child. 

The friend and his wife, now her parents, blessed her with an amazing and luxurious life. But deep inside she was still suffering. 

Now she was free.