Playground Protection

Submitted into Contest #159 in response to: Start your story with a character accepting a bribe.... view prompt

15 comments

Coming of Age Crime Funny

You better make this fast. We only have a few minutes left of recess and if we’re late getting back in line, Mrs. Pockey won’t let me take the class turtle home this weekend.

Where’s the envelope?

I told you to put it in an envelope. You can’t just be handing me cash and cookies right here on the jungle gym. Use a little discretion. You’re not a kindergartener anymore. This is first grade. We do things the right way now.

Listen, I want to talk to you. I’ll take this as payment for today, but moving forward, I need double from you if you still want my protection.

I know what the deal was when you first got here, but playground politics have changed. The bullies are a little more aggressive this year. I have to invest in some stronger influence if I’m going to keep my clients safe, and those investments are sizable. Do you understand what I’m getting at?

These fourth graders--They see a little girl in pigtails and they think that means they can push me around. I can’t let that go. Not even the first time. One tug of the tail, and I make sure they’re going down the slide face-first. You understand me? Nod if you understand me.

The truth is, I don’t even like charging you for this service. I wish I could do it out of the goodness of my heart. Because we first graders need to look out for each other. We’re in a fellowship--you and I. Just like those guys with the weird toes my Dad is always talking about. They go looking for rings and sometimes they run into Santa. I don’t know for sure, because he says I can’t read it until I’m older, but I get bits and pieces of it from the audiobooks he listens to while my mother yells at him to get up and clean the garage.

Yeah, that’s right, I was born into chaos and chaos reigns. That’s what made me fearless. Did you see the way that kid who’s been held back three times looked at me when I walked over to the swingset? He was trying to intimidate me. Those older kids all think they own the swingset. You know what I say to that? I say, “If any of you bozos want to push me off the swing, go ahead and do it. But when I get back up, you better run, because when you send me to the nurse, I send you to the really old nurse who puts that stuff on your wounds that smells like cough medicine.

This playground is going to be my territory for as long as I’m at this school. My older sister ran it while she was going here and she passed it on down to me. She only took enough money for an extra milk at lunchtime. I’m going to be charging five times that by the time I graduate, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I bring all this up to say--

I know you’ve been complaining about my prices. A little birdie told me that you went and asked Joey Eats Glue if he could offer you protection instead of me. You heard he charges less and you wanted to compare prices. Size up your options.

Let me straighten that cute little egghead of yours out, all right?

You don’t have options.

Joey Eats Glue couldn’t keep an ice cube cold in the North Pole. You think he could keep you safe from the Second Grade Sasspots and the Third Grade Ruffians? Yeah, I know, they all need better names. That doesn’t mean they aren’t dangerous. Why don’t you ask Billy Eats Crayons what happened when he went to Joey for the discount prices and then walked over to the seesaw while two third graders were using it and told them to hop off?

They covered him in rubber cement and stuck construction paper all over him. By the time they were done, the art teacher said he reminded her of something called a Picasso. I don’t want to see that happen to you. I don’t want Joey Eats Glue to fail you like he failed Billy Eats Crayons.

By the way, why do all the boys in our grade eat weird stuff? Have we talked about that? I know their mom packs them a decent lunch, because they let me take what I want from it as part of my weekly payment.

Geez, maybe I should stop charging them so much. I feel bad. Yes, I’m capable of feeling bad. I’m not a monster. But safety doesn’t come cheap. Do you know how much I had to spend to take karate lessons from my cousin Burke? Self-defense classes from a yellow belt are pricey, you know. A yellow belt is like the highest belt of them all. My cousin taught me that. I thought black was the best belt, but it’s actually yellow, which makes sense, because yellow is the color of the sun, and the sun is hot, and that’s what I want my hands to be.

I want those hot hands that lightly touch the skin of my enemies and send them flying through the air right into the sandbox. Little scorch marks where my fingertips pressed down.

That’s the impression you have to leave if you want respect. You can buy protection, but you can’t buy that. There aren’t enough Oreo cookies in the world.

I’m going to take this payment today, and next week, I need more. Tell your mother you need it for a class field trip. Tell her the price of the school lunch went up. Tell her it’s inflation. I don’t know what that is, but my Dad’s always complaining about it so I think it has something to do with balloons, because one time, I found a bag of balloons, and I blew them all up, and left them all over the living room, and he was pretty mad. I wanted to ask him to give me the definition, but then my mom yelled at him to go clean the garage.

Cleaning that garage is like getting this playground under control. People can talk and talk and talk about it, but that’s not the same as doing it.

For that, you come to me.

And next time you come to me, this envelope better be a little heavier. Make sure the bills are ones, not fives. Also, Oreos, never Chips Ahoy. Show a little class.

Oh, and if you slip a candy bar or two in the mix--

I wouldn’t be mad about it.

August 12, 2022 19:42

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15 comments

Suma Jayachandar
04:15 Aug 13, 2022

What a delightful story! This is definitely in top five of Kevin Reedsy Anthology for me. Thanks for sharing.

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Story Time
06:15 Aug 13, 2022

Thank you so much, Suma!

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Zack Powell
02:34 Aug 13, 2022

If "The Boy in the Pink Tuxedo" didn't exist, this would absolutely be my favorite Kevin Broccoli story. A first grader playing Godfather? Love everything about it. Reading this was an absolute delight. Really love the formatting of this piece and how you put it together. This almost reads like one of your monologue stories, which is obviously a style that you have down to a science, but then you throw in this element where there's a second person there with the narrator and we as readers are tasked to create the actions of that person in o...

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Story Time
06:17 Aug 13, 2022

Thank you so much, Zack. Hopefully there aren't a lot of Chips Ahoy stans out there. I don't think anyone can argue with the superior nature of the Oreo.

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Michał Przywara
00:21 Aug 13, 2022

Amusing :) There's a good voice here, a nice mix of dramatic super-serious with childhood POV. And beneath it all, the narrator is quite a sales person. Perhaps she's sincere, but she's also got an answer and a contingency for everything, and the price going up is simply out of her hands :) Lots of funny lines here. "this envelope better be a little heavier. Make sure the bills are ones, not fives" :D

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Story Time
06:15 Aug 13, 2022

Thanks Michal. Anytime I start one story and start over midway through, usually something decent comes out of it, even if I'm cursing the process the entire time.

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Tommy Goround
07:17 Aug 22, 2022

Clapping

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Story Time
16:14 Aug 22, 2022

Thank you, Tommy.

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Bradon L
15:16 Aug 19, 2022

This was awesome Kevin! One of my favorite short stories now. You deserve many envelopes of oreo cookies for this masterpiece!

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Story Time
16:02 Aug 19, 2022

Thank you so much, Bradon!

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Amanda Lieser
01:31 Aug 14, 2022

Hi Kevin! OMG how I loved this piece! Ok, the LOTR reference in there totally made my heart sing and this perspective was great! I love that this just felt like someone talking to me. I certainly felt a little bit, ok totally, SCOLDED. I also loved the tiny bit at the end about the garage. Thank you so much for writing this!

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Story Time
18:01 Aug 14, 2022

Thank you so much, Amanda!

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Riel Rosehill
09:38 Aug 13, 2022

I'm on board with the Oreo supremacy - Chips Ahoy? Never heard of it! Love the voice of your narrator, this girl's going places! Love that it's a little girl as well, and so tough and business oriented! Also, this story had the best LOTR reference: "We’re in a fellowship--you and I. Just like those guys with the weird toes my Dad is always talking about. They go looking for rings and sometimes they run into Santa." 🏆 The part where she says she found a bag of balloons and blew them all up and made her dad mad reminds me of a story of some...

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Story Time
18:06 Aug 14, 2022

Thank you so much! Happy to work on something fun after last week.

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Jeanette Harris
21:22 Oct 23, 2022

What a great story, need money first grade. age 6 or 7

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