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Funny Holiday Adventure

John Schaufensterscheibe immigrated to Canada in 1793 with his young wife Gerta. John was an inventor and a visionary - he loved to tinker with things. He loved to make wooden items - everything from surprises for die kinder (the children) - to decorative nutcrackers - to handheld corn seeders and mortar and pestles - just everyday things: nothing too fancy or modern.  


After a busy day of working the fields John would dread having to bend over to take off his muddy shoes, especially since he was a very tall man, so one day he used a nearby stick to aid him. After a few days of using this shoe stick, as he called it, he whittled it down into a smooth tool to slip into the heel and slide the shoe off. He soon got the idea to refine and market this tall man's aid - the shoe horn - it was a raging success! He became moderately wealthy and was able to provide for Gerta, and later his twelve children for the rest of his life.


Over a century later, John's great great great Grandson Arnold Schaufensterscheibe is still receiving royalties from the largest shoe horn company in North America. Now Arnold fancies himself a celebrity for the worldwide utilized invention of his forefather John. He loves to take quarterly vacations to tropical destinations on deluxe cruise lines: he always asks for the King Suite and mentions his ancestry; he becomes belligerent when his shoe horn nobility is taken into question.


Arnold also doesn't like to wait. He wants immediate service anytime his patience is tested. Whenever he goes out to the local Stroop-waffle house he refuses to wait to be seated; he will forcefully push costumers off their seats and onto the floor if necessary. Whenever this arrogance is mentioned he asks with a stone cold expression, "..and how did you get your shoes on this morning?" When the costumer responds, "I just used my shoe horn," Arnold's face becomes rosy with burst veins as he says mockingly, " Do you know who I am?" He intensely pauses as he shakes with anger then continues, "I'm the great great great grandson of John Schaufensterscheibe!" 


The costumers face goes blank - nobody would dare argue with history.


Arnold isn't married - not because he isn't desirable (so he tells himself), but because he can't find a suitable mate to carry the Schaufensterscheibe heir. He once dated a charming brunette named Isabelle. She was a good woman with many unique abilities and skills. Isabelle could paint-by-number holding a paintbrush between her toes, she was a miraculous ventriloquist and she made the spongiest spongecake in the region.

Where's the catch? 

She used her index and middle finger to put on her running shoes - like a savage. 


There was no subtle conversation of "I think we should see other people," or "it's not you - it's me," Arnold just stomped Trumpishly and showed Isabelle the door - he barely waited for her to clumsily slide on her sneakers: watching her struggle just asserted his reasoning for parting with this inefficient woman.


Arnold gave up on his search for the ideal mate, and settled into the realization that there is no one who could tick every shoe box. How could such a handsome, intelligent, charming, and modest young Schaufensterscheibe man be left a bachelor? He longed for companionship: for comfort, and for strudel. As all men do.


One last romance ditch attempt surfaced itself: a Singles' 7-day Caribbean Cruise was scheduled in a months time. Arnold booked a ticket and began planning his itinerary details and even his packing list. He would bring four pairs of dress shoes and 8 deluxe-handcrafted-shoehorns (one for each day and a spare - heaven forbid one should fall overboard). Everything else was pretty standard and uninspiring: shirts, shorts, toothbrush blah blah blah.


Soon the time came to finally pack up his Volkswagon and drive to the cruise ship terminal. Along the way he visualized his luggage and it's contents, and just as he arrived he suddenly remembered he'd left his silk satchel with his 8 monogrammed shoehorns on his dresser at home!

This was catastrophic - there were only a few significantly worse things that had happened in his lifetime. He would rather get a parking ticket for blocking a handicapped spot during business hours, or an ingrown hair in a very sensitive place, or suffer the wrath of a destitute seagull when he's trying to handle not one, but three corn-dogs! 


The time to decide is now. Not tomorrow - not when he's situated in a chair by the pool with an umbrella in his drink - but now. 


He exited the vehicle and patted every pocket in his pants: perhaps he had put an extra shoehorn somewhere. He often does - he's found them in very unusual places before - in the dishwasher, under the dryer, in the Gerber Daisy planter box. No luck - nowhere on his person.

What course of action should he take? He figured there have probably been many people faced with the very same situation, and no news of some disastrous outcome has ever surfaced from their poor packing. What is the worst possible consequence from a shoe horn discrepancy? He might have to loosen his laces, or he might not end up getting the shoe securely on his foot. Only a slight bit of discomfort could possibly manifest - don't overthink this Arnold - he said to himself.


Inhale, exhale, panic tingled up his spine giving him shivers, or maybe that was the ocean breeze. The sea air felt like clean sheets on his skin, and it sounded like chaos and calm, the ebb and flow of the universe. In that moment a mystical notion unearthed itself in the stillness: not everything needs to be forced into it's place. 


He held onto the guard rail with one hand and his suitcase with the other and boarded the ship. He was greeted by a dark haired woman in a loose flowing skirt and bikini top. She smiled like the sun and hung a flower necklace around his cleanly shaven neck. "Welcome," she said with a voice like apple strudel.

"Excuse me miss - where is the gift shop? ...I need to buy a pair of flip flops." He turned around and let out a freeing sigh.


September 03, 2020 15:19

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24 comments

23:52 Sep 14, 2020

🤣🤣🤣🤣😂🤣😂🤣 I loved this so much Lee!!!! Every part of it was funnyyyyyy to me😂🤣😂🤣😂 I especially loved, "she used her index and middle finger to put on her running shoes - like a savage" 🤣😂🤣😂 "I think we should see other people," "it's not you, it's me" Oh no no🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣 You took me OUT!!!! Lee this was AMAZING. You have a wonderful talent for FUNNY😂🤣😂🤣 Wow, wow, wow. I enjoyed this through and through! Would you mind checking out my recents? Thank you!! This was priceless🤣😂🤣😂

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Lee Jay
06:07 Sep 16, 2020

Glad you enjoyed it! That was my favourite line too :) Thanks for the compliments :) Absolutely!

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09:17 Sep 16, 2020

:D

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Keerththan 😀
04:38 Sep 10, 2020

Schaufensterscheibe , weird and funny name. Wonderful story. Really enjoyed the ending. Keep writing. Would you mind reading my story in the same prompt? Thanks.

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Tom Moser
02:18 Sep 10, 2020

Lee: Trumpishly says it all. Good story line and plot idea. I would have enjoyed a full dialogue of Arnold confronting waffle house guests to show he is not a patient man. Are you sure a man of Arnold's wealth would drive a VW to a cruise ship? More likely he would have a "Shoe Horn 1" personalized plate on his BMW. Thanks for the story.

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Lee Jay
02:31 Sep 10, 2020

Thank you! I think I will bring Arnold back in another story; I'm sure I can muster up some hasty dialogue to exaggerate his impatience. Something like a boisterous display at the Stroop waffle haus. Arnold is a very cost efficient man despite being moderately wealthy. He would likely only buy a BMW if it was marked down or got remarkable gas mileage. Also I think there is a cost to personalised plates, but I suspect he has a little solar powered bobblehead sneaker on his dash (the implication is that you would use a shoehorn for the sn...

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Evan Rocker
23:03 Sep 08, 2020

I so enjoyed your story! I never expected the ending. You have a great wit! We all need more humor in our life.

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Lee Jay
23:33 Sep 08, 2020

Thanks Evan. I'll try to keep the funnies coming :)

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E.N. Holder
21:34 Sep 08, 2020

This was great! Such a funny story with great character development as well!

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Lee Jay
23:32 Sep 08, 2020

Thank you!!!! Can you tell I had fun writing it? :D

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E.N. Holder
00:27 Sep 09, 2020

Yes definitely! :)

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Kristin Neubauer
13:56 Sep 08, 2020

Hah! That is hilarious, Lee! I love everything - from the title to the plot to the characters to the dialogue to the writing. You certainly started my day with a big laugh. I also really like your bio - you ARE funny!

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Lee Jay
17:53 Sep 08, 2020

Thank you Kristin! I'm so glad to make your morning :) you made mine! Hahaha! Thanks for reinforcing my humour and ego. :)

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Bianka Nova
18:03 Sep 07, 2020

A different reader, a different favorite line: "She used her index and middle finger to put on her running shoes - like a savage." I can assure you that you're not the only one who thinks she's funny. Oh, and a great ending too.

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Lee Jay
20:35 Sep 07, 2020

That was my favorite line too!!! :) Thanks for the compliments!!

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Doubra Akika
10:11 Sep 07, 2020

Arnold isn't married - not because he isn't desirable (so he tells himself), I think this was my favourite line. I loved this, Lee! So glad I got to read it. It was relatable and funny and I was able to not only get a glimpse of Arnold, but a whole picture. Amazing job! Hope you're staying safe and that you keep your stories coming!

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Lee Jay
20:39 Sep 07, 2020

Hahaha! Arnold is pretty much a ladies man...what can I say? ;) So glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the encouragement! Hope you're staying safe too - reedsy has really been an outlet with covid eh?

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Jonathan Blaauw
08:17 Sep 07, 2020

This is so good! It’s got a delightfully tongue-in-cheek tone that you carry excellently throughout and add to with brilliant sprinkles of humor (Trumpish is my new favorite word!). It’s a bit tricky to tell a short story in the way you have, kind of starting with an overview and then focussing in on a specific incident in the main character’s life, but you’ve done it brilliantly. All the big-picture elements are there but you’ve still managed to create a real, believable, relatable character in Arnold. And the ending, in keeping with the ge...

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Lee Jay
20:53 Sep 07, 2020

Thank you so much! I was a bit worried about the transition from senior Schaufenstersheibe to present Arnold, but I'm glad to hear the flow carried through without any jarring gaps. Glad you enjoyed it, but I don't really care because I'm rich (she said Trumpishly as she drank her hot brown liquid that gave her the strength of ten men) ;)

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Jonathan Blaauw
07:05 Sep 08, 2020

“Ah, I see,” he replied Bidenishly, having just woken up and still groggily awaiting his first cup of coffee of the day. My coffee doesn’t give me the strength of ten, though. It only makes me vaguely functional. Maybe coffee back in the day had cocaine in it? That’d explain it. I’m assuming you made your millions in the shoehorn boom we’ve recently experienced. I can’t believe I didn’t get in on that while the going was good. I’ll have to be sharper next time. More cocai – I mean more coffee!

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Lee Jay
17:49 Sep 08, 2020

Hahaha! Pure presidential gold. You're drinking the wrong blend my friend. I know a guy that's got the good stuff ;) Never fear - I bought a few extra shoe horn shares - I can give you a steep discount.

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Jonathan Blaauw
06:33 Sep 09, 2020

Ah, so that’s why they keep recommending the Columbian blends. No wonder it’s so expensive! I actually laughed my ass off at a news story about this the other day – Italian port officials discovered a shitload of cocaine smuggled inside coffee beans. They became suspicious of the shipment because it was addressed to the fictional crime boss from John Wick. Good idea, poor execution, in my opinion. Amateurs… I am truly delighted to have discovered someone who’s as off-the-wall crazy as me on here. Thank you!

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Lee Jay
19:21 Sep 09, 2020

Ya know - that doesn't actually surprise me. People are getting increasing creative with crime, but they fail to notice details. I feel like I would be a much better villain that most - but then why bother? All that effort! I'd rather just write about it and save myself the jail time. Haha! I am too! You see a really unique side of a person when you read their stories. Off-the-wall crazy?? Pffff! Who needs walls!

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