Coffee and Edible Underwear

Submitted into Contest #262 in response to: Write about a summer vacation gone wrong.... view prompt

73 comments

Funny Fiction

They told me I'd love it. They lied.

What I do love is to wake up at 6:30, not 7, not 6, but precisely 6:30. I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee, exactly six cups, enough for my wife and me – no wasted coffee. My coffee must contain 100 grams of vanilla caramel creamer, 20 grams of half and half, and 21 grams of honey (for my allergies). Sometimes, I go over by two or three grams, and that's okay, but I'll dump the corrupted drink if it's any higher. That's what I love.

I don't love line dancing. Stan and Sally, our cabin neighbors, swore I'd love it. The towel boy swore I'd love it, too, although I don't remember asking him. My wife refused to give her vote because she's an intelligent woman.

There must have been something in the ocean air and the soothing movement of the ship that hypnotized me. I allowed Stan and Sally to pull me out onto the floor. At first, everyone was laughing and having a good time until I slid left when I was supposed to slide right. I knocked a teenage girl right off her feet. It was a textbook tackle. The laughter ceased, and I heard a scream. The DJ didn't notice the commotion, so the music continued, but those around the girl stopped dancing and were trying to help her. I also tried to help but was pushed out of the way, as if the crowd was trying to protect her.

The next morning, the Captain assured my wife and me that the girl was alright—there were a few bruises, but nothing broken.

We were supposed to play Hearts with Stan and Sally, but they never showed. We saw very little of them for the remainder of our cruise. I thought nothing of it, however my wife gave me the cold shoulder. She said it was my fault that she had no friends.

I woke up on day three of our five-day cruise at 6:17, which didn't feel right. My wife wouldn't let me set an alarm, and the sun was all wrong. She was still asleep, so I quietly exited the room and walked around the deck. Her words bothered me. I wanted to make it up to her somehow. While walking, I came across a lovely couple close to our age and struck up a conversation. We hit it off big. They laughed at all my jokes and seemed eager to meet my wife. So, I invited them to join us for dinner.

The conversation over dinner was effortless and fun. Tom and Jody were full of stories and mentioned several times how they love to play games. I sensed my wife's shoulders beginning to warm. Not only did I find some friends, but I also found friends who were as into games as we were.

After dinner, they invited us to their cabin to play. I suggested the coffee shop, but they insisted we'd be more comfortable in their room. I shrugged. They must have one of those fancy cabins with a table and sitting area. We discovered they did not have a fancy cabin with a table and sitting area when we arrived.

Okay, I admit I never saw it coming. How was I supposed to know what kind of game they had in mind? I was thinking of Bridge or Hearts, not swapping wives and sex toys. My wife's cold shoulder froze colder than an iceberg—an iceberg in Antarctica—no worse than that. An iceberg in Antarctica in the middle of winter, before global warming.

She told me it was the most embarrassing thing ever. I couldn't argue. It was number one on my list as well. When Tom came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but edible underwear, I thought we'd both faint. My army training kicked in, and I remained calm. My wife did not. She screamed like Kermit the Frog running from Doc Hopper and ran through the cabin door. It must have been partially open because I didn't notice any damage when I excused myself, explaining that we like our pineapples right side up.

For the remainder of our cruise, I slept on the only chair in our cabin. It wasn't designed to be slept on—heck, it wasn't designed to be sat on. My wife wouldn't let me leave her side while we went about the ship. If it weren't for the fact that we paid so much money for this cruise, I believe she would have stayed in bed until we disembarked. She purchased the biggest hat and darkest sunglasses she could find and never went out without them.

I found the whole misunderstanding funny but was wise enough to keep it to myself. We ended up spending our last day laying out. Unfortunately, we both fell asleep. When the towel boy awakened us, the sun had done its damage. I'm naturally a dark-skinned person. However, my wife is pure white. I mean, she was pure white. Now she's red except for her face. Her oversized hat provided shade. That could have been a good thing. However, the hat wasn't solid. It had tiny holes between the weaves. Her face looked like a bad case of measles that had exploded in angry red spots. It took every fiber of my being to keep from laughing. The towel boy saw her and ran with his hand over his mouth. As soon as he rounded the corner, we heard a guffaw that would have startled the monkey who hears no evil.

We made it home without any additional tribulations. We crashed into bed without unpacking. My alarm went off at 6:30. I filled the coffee machine with six cups of water. I placed my cup of coffee on my scale and weighed 100 grams of vanilla caramel creamer, added 20 grams of half and half, and 21 grams of honey. Life was good again. My wife joined me, and we sat in silence. Her spotted sunburned face was beginning to peel. We sipped our coffee and stared out the kitchen window. We didn't have to say it. We both knew our cruising days were over. We also knew our routine marriage would survive because we were both too traumatized to imagine changing anything ever again.

August 10, 2024 02:30

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73 comments

03:57 Aug 10, 2024

I wish this had been longer. I enjoyed it very much. I'm on your side. Not much shocks me. But your poor wife! I watched a video of Kermit meeting Dr Hopper. Exit, stage right! I can imagine Kermit leaving quickly, but the video contextualises it. Hilarious! I also had to research the thing about the pineapple. I realized it denotes a certain lifestyle that your characters didn't pursue. I found out the phrase is actually a thing. Upside down pineapple means they're swingers. Your poor MCs. A funny and enjoyable story.

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Daniel Rogers
18:18 Aug 10, 2024

I'm happy I was able to expand your knowledge base. 🤣 I'm working hard on eliminating any unnecessary words or paragraphs. Something Stephen King and other authors stress as vital for good writing. Thanks for reading.

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21:18 Aug 10, 2024

Yes, it's a great goal. I feel you managed it pretty well. I always work on that, too. It's easier when I've overshot 3000 words by a couple of hundred and need to condense the story. lol One tip is that though passive has its place at times, making sure the sentence's subject is at the start enables you to choose stronger verbs and a more concise sentence. (I am hard-pressed to find an example but here goes - no criticism intended, but it is a sound technique) 'and were trying to help her' - (use 'ing' ending verbs only when it sounds bet...

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18:49 Aug 16, 2024

I like "I also tried to help, but was pushed pit of the way, as if the crowd was trying to protect her" just the way it is. Strictly speaking, a subjunctive is required, "as if the crowd were trying to protect her" but only the geekiest of gramnarians would use that in speech. This is a first-person account, written in conversational language. It is not a TED talk or classic literature. The narrator's experience is that of trying to help, being pushed out of the way, and then reflecting on the reason. When we write from a first person...

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19:26 Aug 16, 2024

Mm interesting point.

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Daniel Rogers
02:56 Aug 11, 2024

Thank you. Your analysis is very helpful. I'm glad to receive any advise to become a stronger writer.

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Malcolm Twigg
08:29 Aug 15, 2024

The way you describe this character's personality by his obsessive coffee routine is priceless. I have an immediate picture without the need for any more description. Nice job.

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Daniel Rogers
01:12 Aug 16, 2024

Thank you, that means a lot. A complement on one's craft is priceless.

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Shawndra Elder
12:29 Aug 11, 2024

I sat down just now with a cup of coffee ( blueberry cobbler creamer,no sugar) to browse here after being away from the site for awhile. Your story is the first one I've read today and I legit was chuckling and grinning the entire time. Great story! What a lighthearted way to start the morning!

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Daniel Rogers
22:51 Aug 11, 2024

Thank you, coffee and a chuckle is the best way to start the morning. 🤣

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Chris Sage
11:22 Aug 11, 2024

I used to wonder how people staved off boredom on a cruise. No longer! 🤣 Nicely done, I can feel the embarrassment radiate off the page.

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Daniel Rogers
22:54 Aug 11, 2024

Thanks for the read. I've never been on one, but yes, I agree - there seems to be plenty of activities. 😂

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Isabella Sparks
19:52 Sep 23, 2024

A short and funny story! I love how much of a creature of habit the main character is and how an honest gesture can turn into a traumatic experience or a ruined vacation for someone. I also loved your closing line about them being too traumatized to change anything ever again.

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Daniel Rogers
15:41 Sep 24, 2024

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it

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Elena Balaguer
09:42 Sep 12, 2024

Fun story and whisked through it! Just one observation, if you don’t mind me saying… at some point it feels like the reader is being narrated to, leaving less space for the imagination to kick in.

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Daniel Rogers
01:50 Sep 13, 2024

I welcome feed back. However, I don't understand what you mean by being narrated to.

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Elena Balaguer
03:30 Sep 13, 2024

Oh, sorry I didn’t get my point across. Basically meant that at times it felt like being read bullet points of what was happening versus feeling like a reel to a story was unfolding. That’s just my perception.

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Daniel Rogers
00:30 Sep 14, 2024

Oh, I see. Thank you for bringing it to my attention 😀👍

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Suzanne Jennifer
19:22 Aug 18, 2024

Great story. The misunderstanding trope was brilliantly presented. I would have been horrified to find myself in that situation. I am quite naive and am often shocked by other's behavior. Very succinct story telling.

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Daniel Rogers
23:33 Aug 18, 2024

Thank you. I would be too. I am also naive and quite clueless in real life. 🤪

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Alex B
14:34 Aug 18, 2024

Fun story. The wife feels like a prude. It’s not like the rest of the ship would know what happened in a private cabin where nothing happened.

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Daniel Rogers
23:36 Aug 18, 2024

Thanks for the read. You're right - they're both prudes. They'll never fully recover from that private cabin experience. 🤣

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KA James
22:15 Aug 15, 2024

I think I'm stealing the line from an early RuPaul's Drag Race, but someone should have pointed out to the narrator that 'Line dancing is not a contact sport'. Funny story, great attention grabbing title. Title alone makes it hard not to read it.

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Daniel Rogers
00:59 Aug 16, 2024

What? Not a contact sport. 😂 Thank you for reading.

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Daniel P
21:28 Aug 15, 2024

This was so entertaining and very easy to read! Loved it, and it's given me some laughs before I kick off my work day. Thanks Daniel!

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Daniel Rogers
01:00 Aug 16, 2024

I'm glad to add some laughter before work. Thank you for reading.

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19:17 Aug 15, 2024

I love the narrative voice! I know somebody who sounds just like that. The story is both hilarious and plausible. I wish husband and wife had grown just enough to consider the possibility of new adventures.

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Daniel Rogers
01:01 Aug 16, 2024

Perhaps after their trauma wears off. 🤣 Thank you for the read.

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Victoria West
19:12 Aug 15, 2024

What a great submission. Thanks for writing.

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Daniel Rogers
01:02 Aug 16, 2024

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

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Martin Ross
13:36 Aug 15, 2024

Damn, you had me at the title (though I generally like a bagel with my morning cup😁). Very funny and kind of touching and warm despite or probably because of the erotic element. Really enjoyed it — the cruise my wife and I took years ago was both highly uncomfortable at points (table mate was a sleazy wolf who disliked us as much as we pretended not to dislike him, my wife lying to get us out of a lunch ‘date’ with a couple I actually liked), BTW, the narrator’s coffee formula was a perfect, concise bit of character exposition. Nicely done.

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Daniel Rogers
01:07 Aug 16, 2024

Thank you, Martin. I've never been on a cruise, but I imagined it might get awkward being stuck on the same boat with complete strangers. And a really big thank you for pointing out my character exposition. I've been attempted to be more precise and trim the word count.

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Jeremy Burgess
09:26 Aug 15, 2024

Oh-my-goodness, this is superb. It's told so dryly, and as a reader you absolutely know what's going to happen (your title cues it perfectly) from the moment your POV character meets Tom and Jody. Your choice of bare prose works perfectly for the storytelling as well, it's so matter of fact! Really great work, thanks for sharing, and good luck with the contest — this is definitely one of my faves this week!

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Daniel Rogers
01:10 Aug 16, 2024

Thank you, I'm honored to be a fav. I was hoping the reader could see before the MC what was about to happen.

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Jack Stokes
04:31 Aug 15, 2024

A fast read, engaging the entire way. Good story! Probably based on true events!

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Daniel Rogers
01:13 Aug 16, 2024

Thank you for the read. My wife and I have never been on a cruise. But I'm glad you thought we had. That's a huge complement. Thank you again.

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Angela Gilmartin
14:05 Aug 14, 2024

I enjoyed your story very much. The beginning and ending bookmarked each other perfectly - nice technique - which showed both the routine in life AND growth through it. Excellent. If feel the paragraph about the sex toys could have been expanded (pun intended) without fear of being explicit - so many opportunities for more humor here, for sure...I liked that you didn't tell the reader that the story is set on a cruise; but then, you did later on. Just a small inconsistency or need of closer editing. I agree with Kaitlyn below about strengthe...

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Daniel Rogers
02:14 Aug 15, 2024

Thank you for the read and the close read. I'm always looking to grow. I'm afraid I have no rhythm 🤣 But I will try 😀👍

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Angela Gilmartin
04:45 Aug 15, 2024

Puh-lease! Of course you do! Just more "Tennessee Waltz" than "Dirty Dancing" :) Glad I could help...

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Heather Rogers
01:18 Aug 17, 2024

Angela, that was hilarious! Tennessee Waltz, not Dirty Dancing! Lol you have no idea!! (BTW I’m his wife)

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Angela Gilmartin
03:11 Aug 17, 2024

🤣🤣 Glad to offer some comic relief!

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Hannah Lynn
17:43 Aug 13, 2024

Aww they are the cutest couple. I love how the MC likes everything just so and exactly on schedule. The antics of the husband always getting in trouble was a fun read! 😊

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Daniel Rogers
02:15 Aug 15, 2024

Thank you, I have to confess that there is a little bit of me in this guy.

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Heather Rogers
01:18 Aug 17, 2024

A little bit?!? Those are your exact coffee measurements!! 🤣

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Yuliya Borodina
08:33 Aug 13, 2024

This was so enjoyable!!! I laughed and cringed and felt wholeheartedly for both the MC and his wife. Learned a lot about pineapples :) Thank you!!!

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Daniel Rogers
02:16 Aug 15, 2024

Thank you, I can't look at a pineapple the same way anymore 😂

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Yuliya Borodina
05:39 Aug 15, 2024

Yeah, you spoilt them for all of us 🤣🙉

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Jenny Benavidez
23:49 Aug 12, 2024

It’s nice to get back a routine after any vacation but especially a bad one. Such a fun read.

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Daniel Rogers
00:55 Aug 13, 2024

Thank you, and I agree, routine has its benefits.

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McKade Kerr
21:36 Aug 11, 2024

Haha, how many husbands have made things worse in an effort to make things better? 😂 Thankfully, I don’t think I’ve ever failed quite as poorly as your MC did, haha. I’m glad it all worked out in the end for them!

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Daniel Rogers
22:56 Aug 11, 2024

We do have a tendency to make things worse no matter how noble our intentions 😂

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