Just Perfect

Ten days before. Jemmy is staring at her screen. James Green is coming to the office for the last time in a while. She clicks away from her emails and loads up her online personal training portal, and books five personal training sessions.

Alright alright alright oh my god this is IT!! He’s coming – right. First things first, get project material before Miss Just Perfect does. Plan advertisement event – don’t forget to bring six tablets to demonstrate software. Ohhh, I have to tell him. He’s going to Australia soon. I’ll… well, I’ll have to say something like ‘God I’ve been in love with you since the day we first met’… No. Right, I need to plan that out better. I can’t just say anything that pops into my head, God no.

One week before. Jemmy has just finished at the gym and her body is spent. Miss Just Perfect saw her with Benjamin and was a little more than stunned. Jemmy is pleased about this.

See?! Bet she was thinking ‘oh, so she does work out?!’. I mean, she doesn’t have the money for a trainer because she’s always out drinking, but I don’t judge her for that, do I?! And did you see how she was looking at me?! HA! It was Just Perfect.

Jemmy spends an hour and a half having a conversation in her head with Miss Just Perfect, during which time Miss Just Perfect realises the error of her ways and apologises profusely to Jemmy for stealing her project, taking all the credit and being an overall Slimy Bitch. Jemmy forgives her because she is the bigger person.

Three days before. Jemmy is pacing around her apartment while her natural self-tan dries. She’s eating olives and drinking ice cold cucumber water.

Okay. Hi James! It’s so good to see you again! How amazing you look! Really. It’s so sad you’re leaving us, though. Did you find somewhere else or something? No? Oh, you’re just going… where? Australia?! Jeez, that’s a long way to go for a single event! Yes! I actually am the brains behind it, but Miss Just Perfect got in there just at the perfect moment, so they gave her the bid, yeah. I know, I was so looking forward to seeing how it progressed… anyway, yeah… Look, I just wanted to say that… well, I wanted to tell you that I’ve really missed you… actually. Yeah, I’ve really missed you, because the first time we met I had so much fun and you left a lasting impression on me… and yeah, I guess… what was that, James? Yeah… how did you know? Oh, it was obvious?! Oh, Jeez… well, you got me. Yes, I am in love with you. Quite badly. You’re in love with me, too?! Of course I’ll go to Australia with you!

6am. The Big Day.  Jemmy is in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror, coaching herself for the challenge of the day: Speaking to James Green. Having spent the night before preening every inch of her body to be just perfect, Jemmy finds herself struggling to find the right place to tackle her challenge.

Alright. So. It’s today. It’s today. It’s today and it’s my one and only chance because tomorrow he’s leaving for three months with her. Got it? Good. Yes.

Is that a spot?! Oh, dear GOD it’s an actual spot! I’m twenty nine years old for crying out loud! Who gets spots at twenty nine years old?! Ugh. I don’t even have enough concealer – oh, wait, yeah I do.

Right, what are you going to say to him? Errr… good point. It has to be just perfect. Like I can’t just go ahead and say ‘oh hi James, how’s it going? ‘Sup Jimbo?’ Absolutely not. Well I mean yeah, you’re right, I could, but I don’t think he’s the kind of guy who goes for girls like that, you know?

What do you mean I’ve got a lot of work to do then?! I’m just perfect! JUST. PERFECT! I think. But anyway this isn’t helping – where do I start?

It’s the mascara tube that gives Jemmy enough time to think about where she’ll start.

We’ve been over this a thousand times. We’re going to go in there, we’re going to go up to him, and then… then I’m going to say… I don’t know… Yeah! Yeah, I’ll say Hi! Hi James! How’s it going? Are you looking forward to Australia? Oh, it sounds so amazing! Seriously, I can’t imagine how you’re going to cope being away for three months… Really? Well, that’s true – I’m glad you’re taking Whisper, actually, it’ll be hard for her without you. I was thinking about getting a dog myself, actually.

No, you see if I get him talking about dogs, it’s all gone wrong. I might as well talk to him about my sodding pillow pets. No, I WILL talk to him about my pillow pets, and that’s the problem. Yeah, I know stuffed animals are on the same level, but it’s better to be like ‘oh sorry let me just move Michael out of the way so we can get comfy’ than… Yes, I KNOW! I obviously won’t refer to Michael as Michael, but I really don’t think ‘let me just get rid of my stuffed pigeon’ is very blood sexy, is it?!

Mascara applied, Jemmy spends a little bit of time thinking about the colour of her eyeshadow. Her hands are of course shaking; she has been sweet on James Green for quite a while, and is longing to at least plant a seed in his mind about her before he goes to Australia. It doesn’t help, of course, that James Green will not return to England for three months. And Jemmy may not be working in the same place by then. And neither may James Green. Because James Green visits the company every six months and is a consultant. Just like Jemmy.

Right. Lipstick. Lipstick… alright so I’ll say hiya James! Can I chat to you for a second? In private? Because obviously Miss Just Perfect is going to be there being Just Perfect all over him. Cow she is. Stealing my – no, breathe, that’s not good energy for today is it? Even if she did steal everything I worked for, it’s not good. No. Hiya James, can I chat to you for a second? Do you wanna grab a coffee real quick? Yeah! Yeah that’s better, because then it’s not like I’m making a big deal about it… yeah I like that… Yes. So. Quick coffee… So, you leave for Australia tonight, huh? What time’s your flight? Yikes, that’s late! And what time do you need to be there? Jesus, that’s early… but then it is long haul… I’ve got to say, James, I am going to miss you… like I feel as though we’ve not really had much of a chance to talk these past few weeks, what with the event and all… yeah, I really did want to tag along! I say tag along, the whole thing was actually my brain baby… yeah. I know, yeah. I did try, but Miss Just Perfect took everything over so I didn’t really have any leg to stand on with it… I know, right?! Well, I mean… look, there’s something I really wanted to tell you… breathe. Alright, you have to look him in the eye and just SAY IT. I’ve liked you for a really long time.

Jemmy rolls her freshly-shadowed eyes in the mirror. She puckers her lips and paints them a nice pink colour to suit her complexion.

Are you twelve or what? I’ve liked you for a really long time?! Are you seriously going to regress?! You are a twenty nine year old WOMAN! So, we’re not going to say ‘I really like you’, no. We’re going to look him in the eye and we’re going to say… James, I’ve been meaning to say this for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage. I think I’ve fallen for you. And I really wanted to go to Australia with you partly, yes, so I could work on the event with you, but also because I love spending time with you. And I’m not planning to stay with the company for very long because I want to strike out on my own with my side business, so I really wanted to go out with a bang – literally!

…

My God, you cringy piece of trash.

Jemmy spends a little more time than usual on her hair that morning, tousling it and waving it with her straighteners until she looks Just Perfect. Because everything has to be Just Perfect. She steps into a more glamorous outfit than usual, a little more fitted because she’s been working out and feels good. She slips her feet into a pair of flat ballet shoes, with the intention to switch into her heels once she’s driven over there in her new car.

Right. Let’s go.

7am. With the office in sight, Jemmy takes a look at herself in the rearview mirror. She pulls into the office car park and realises with a sigh that she didn’t put any of her Alluring perfume on. Meaning she smells Completely Normal, rather than Just Perfect. She roots around in her glove compartment and finds an old bottle of Chanel No 5 – not her usual, but it will have to do. She sprays it and almost chokes. It is with a heavy heart that she realises this very perfume is the same perfume as Miss Just Perfect’s. She now smells like the person she is trying to make him forget. She stresses for a bit in the car.

I could just not tell him. I mean, sure, he’s the perfect guy, and I have spent years chasing him… yeah you see that’s the issue, isn’t it? I’ve spent years chasing him. Literal years. For God’s sake. I have to do it and I have to do it today. I am alluring and I am adroit and I am amourous and I am… whatever. Let’s go.

10am. Jemmy is in the coffee corner, trying to listen to see if James Green is in the manager’s office yet. The door is closed and the lights are off. Jemmy hasn’t done any work yet. Her hands are shaking.

Right, okay, so when he comes in you can just hop over and be like ‘hey James! Good to see you again!’… yeah. Yeah that’ll be alright… and then just like we practiced… yeah… hi James, good to see you again, how’s it been? I’ve honestly missed you. Last time you were here it was so much fun! We should do that again, actually! Ugh. Why is this so hard?!

Midday. James Greene still has not arrived. Miss Just Perfect is also nowhere to be seen. There is talk of a to-do downstairs. Jemmy needs to go for lunch. No-one is allowed out of the office for the moment.

Jesus Christ, I’m so hungry. I can’t speak to him after food though. What if I get stuff in my teeth?! No. That’s not an option. I can wait. I’ll just take a late lunch and say that I was on a call or something.

2pm. Jemmy had caved and added a sandwich to the order Caroline did for the office floor, seeing as there was still a to-do at 1pm when everyone got hungry. Speculation said Miss Just Perfect was in tears and refusing to move. Jemmy doesn’t know. Jemmy has only sent three emails that day and filled out one expense report for a new software proposal because her mind is firmly on James and what exactly she will say to him when he finally comes upstairs with the manager.

4pm. Jemmy has given up on finishing any work for the day, but it is fine because she still has three days and is, in true Jemmy fashion, ahead of her work. She is diligent and she is direct and she is desirable. There is talk of a firing happening downstairs. People have heard shouting, and they tell Jemmy this because she looks Like She Has Her Shit Together. She is told she is the only one in the office today who looks this way. Jemmy is happy with this observation from so many people. She begins to log off and gets ready to go home, although it is with some reluctance that she does this because she has not yet seen James Green and told him she loves him.

I mean, if we don’t get to see him today, we could always just send him an email? Like it’s fine, it’s not like we put hours of effort in today, we looked good and felt good. Yeah, I know I lost sleep, but come on, I don’t sleep anyway! Alright yeah let’s go home. But we can call in actually downstairs…

Jemmy decides it is most definitely time to go home. The day is a failure and she is ready to cry and eat McDonald’s on the way home, and then get a pizza for dinner because it is her business and she feels duly rotten. Jemmy decides to take the lift, rather than the stairs. The lift smells like James Green’s cologne. Jemmy feels an ache in her chest. She pulls out her bottle of water, and realises that perhaps James Green wasn’t supposed to be for her? Because after all, he does have Miss Just Perfect. And it is not as though she can just pack up a suitcase and leave with him for three months! No. God no.

Well, if I see him now, I’m just gonna be like ‘Oh, hey James! Yeah I’m just heading out. Off home, yeah. I’ve been here since seven, believe it or not! I’m mad tired, yeah… how has your day been? We should have a catch up – YES, oh my god, yes. Okay that’s even better!!

Jemmy continues to plan her words. She takes a drink of water as she leaves the lift and rounds the corner to the main reception desk. She sees Miss Just Perfect crying on the waiting room sofas, her head in her hands. Security is standing over her, and for a moment Jemmy thinks she’s been attacked. She considers going over to see if she is okay, but thinks better of it when the security guard gives her The Look of Death. Jemmy turns to the door instead, and makes to leave.

“Jemima?! JEMMY!”

Jemmy turns.

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD ACT NATURAL HE’S COMING OVER HERE OH MY GOD HE’S SO GORGEOUS OH GOD LOOK AT HIS HAIR!!! HIS HAIR! OH MY GOD JEMIMA SWALLOW YOUR WATER FOR GOD’S SAKE –

“Hey! Jemima! It’s so good to see you!”

“Hey-icUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP! Oh… God…”

Jemmy’s stomach drops through the floor. There’s water all down her front. Her face is redder than the file James is holding with her project inside. Swallowing her water too fast, she hiccupped and burped at the same time. The resulting noise echoes around the cavernous reception. Every pair of eyes in the room is on her.

Oh. My. God. Just PERFECT.