The Beauty of This Mess

Sleep~ Baby sleep~

I squeezed the rabbit tight to my chest..

What are you waiting forrr~

My tears dripping down onto it..

The mornings on its way~

I need you..

You know its only just a dream~ OHH sleep baby sleep~

Please..

Oh sleep baby sleep~ I’ll lie next to you~

Please don’t leave me..

The beauty of this mess~

You’ll never leave me…

Is that it brings me closeee to you~

Right?

…

Present~

“Where did you find this?” I ask him once I’ve calmed down..

“I drove to the old house, I felt like it was there so I just did it. Plus your nightmares have gotten worse since you lost him.” he says.

“Their not nightmares their memories” I say to that.

“That haunt you, same thing” he says, I roll my eyes.

“Thank you for this. Seriously thank you.”

“What are friends for?” he says with that side grin and gets up before I can read his expression.

I don’t want to be your friend Alvin. At this point we are like family..no not like we are family. But-

“Hmm we are running out of groceries, I got them last time so you do it!”

“No! I have to study today!” I yell getting up from the bed, but then I stop. I almost left it, in the past I could never go a place without it.

“I have to study today!” Alvin calls out. “Come on please!”

“S-sure” I call out, squeezing the rabbit in my arms once more.

“What? Sure?” Alvin says coming back. He sighs and stares at me.

“You know, I didn’t bring back that for you to attach yourself to it like you did before. I brought it back because I want you to move on.. detach yourself from your past”

“Like you’ve done?” I ask looking up at him. “Pretending like the past doesn’t exist does not help a thing. The past makes up the present.. the present makes up the future”.

“Exactly. It makes up the present.. its not supposed to control the present. The past helps you grow, if you stay stuck there when will you get to the present? Staying in the past like that.. will only make your future vanish”

That makes sense, I know it does, but he’s not exactly the one to be giving advice here.

“Your right Alvin” I say.

“I know”

“But pretending the past doesn’t exist is the same as living in the past. Whether you realize it or not we are both stuck in the past.”

He stirred uncomfortably pulling a hand through his curly hair. “Okay… how do we move?”

I stand up.. “Well for once lets not rely on each other to give us the answer.. I think for me to move I need to find the answer on my own.”

“With the bunny?” he asks.

“We are finally free, Alvin. I’m going to show him the world!” I say with a smile.

“Don’t smile at me like that…” he mutters as he pulls a hand through his hair.

“What?” I ask..

“Nothing! Go, I’ll join the both of you later.” he says.

“Okay good luck with your studies” I say.

“I don’t need luck, just God.” he says with a smile. I look away feeling my face grow hot.

“Right!” I say as I run into the bathroom. With Len.

…

Memory~

I cried louder than anyone could but then I stopped, I didn’t eat. I didn’t do a thing. Alvin was luckily there for me. I’m not exactly sure why he decided to start helping me, but right after Ms. Lena’s death. He forced me to eat, when I didn’t want to play he simply grabbed my foot and dragged me.

I got used to him being there, both of them, Len and Alvin. I never left a place without Len and I never left Alvin. They became my new family. Though I still felt alone..

How I lost Len? well that’s a different story. A long one.

…

Present~

I walk through the streets..my legs dragging. Its become a habit over the years, just dragging my feet. People glance at me then they look away then look back, I guess seeing Len in its tattered state is a total show.

“The world doesn’t like us huh?” I say patting his head. I stop next to a street connecting, then the transit where the train comes and drops off people. I have never gotten on it without Alvin, but something is drawing me to it.

Buzz Buzz

My phone buzzes with a message, from Alvin.

Alvin (the chipmunk💙)

“Hey Jemma..you okay? Do you need me to come pick you up? Your not mad from this morning are you?”

I smile at the message, he is always worried about me. Sometimes its a good thing, sometimes its not. When I keep getting taken care of by him I start to forget he goes through stuff too. I start to forget that he may leave too. We are both 18 we have our whole life ahead of us, he has his own goals, things he can do now. There is nothing holding him back.

Except me.

If I asked him to stay he would stay, he goes above and beyond for me. I would do the same for him. But maybe in order for him to move he needs to move away from me.

So I type.

“I’m perfectly fine. I’m going on the train, don’t wait for me or worry, I am shutting down my phone as well. Bye.”

I shut off my phone. I don’t really type much we usually always call each other or I just use the audio. But I think my message was good.

I climb the stairs that lead to the train, the train goes around our city so that means it leads there.

I enter the train and slightly bump against someone, I mutter an apology. I tightly grip the rabbit, I should have at least washed it. Well, who knows what its been through all these years without me, instead of trying to wash away its scars I should accept them first.

“That’s a raggedy thang ya got there” a man says, this guy has lost his way a long time ago, his clothes are worn out and dirty, a good amount of his tooth are missing. And his hat has a hole in it. I don’t appreciate him calling Len raggedy.

“Oh…um, sure?” is all I say turning to the window.

“Ya don’t look like ya got that much friends. Are ya shy? Don’t worry I aint gonna hurt you” he says then he mutters to himself and laughs in the air. All the normal people on the train give side eyes at him then continue to scroll through their phone. Right! That’s what normal society does now.

So I pull out my phone and cut it back on. As soon as its fully on my phone buzzes with incoming messages. From Alvin.

“what do you mean.”

“Jem?”

“I knew you were mad?!”

“Yo its been 30 minutes come on can you at least tell me where you are?”

“Jemma! I’m seriously worried”

“Jemma its been an hour! I swear if anything happened-”

I stare at the messages. I guess my message wasn’t as great as I thought it would be, well, we are here. I get off the bus.

“Have a great day sweet heart!” the man yelled as the bus drove off. He must have been talking to me the whole ride, I feel bad for not listening or responding.

The air from the train pushes on my face as I call Alvin. The air, I remember it. It feels cold even though its in the middle of spring, just a few more steps and I will be there. Why did I come here, why did I come here? I can’t go, I can’t go.

“Jemma!” Alvin yells from the phone, I did not realize he picked.

“Yes sorry I- I-” I stammer like a child.

“Your at the orphanage aren’t you?” his voice low and deep. I remember when his voice started to change we were twelve, and it just happened. It couldn’t be reversed.

“Yes.” I whispered.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Do you know how worried I was?” he says, he’s angry.

“I thought I’d get closure on my own” I respond, but here I am standing in the same spot. I can’t- I can’t.

Memory~

“Mommy where are we going?” I cried to her, she didn’t respond and kept pulling me. It was dark, it was scary. It was one big house in the middle of one huge world. Why was it alone? Would I be alone too?

“I don’t wanna go! NO MA! NO!” I screamed. She turned around and slapped me. I felt the ringing through my ear, it wouldn’t stop. My cheek felt hot. ‘It was a mistake’ I told myself, my mother would never hit me without reason.

But that wasn’t true, she stared at me with those unremorseful eyes. A burden. I was. But I smiled regardless and said

“Hey mom..? I forgive you”

Present~

“If you wanted to get closure on your own that is perfectly fine. I’m happy your moving on your own. But at least tell me where your going first.” Alvin said.

“I– You always go places without telling me!? Why should I tell you?!”

“What’s with the change in atmosphere! This isn’t about me!” he says and I can tell there is a smile on his lips.

“Yes it is!” I yell back. “It– it is.” I say looking down at the ground.

“Jemma, are you sure you don’t want me to come? I can come” he says and I can tell he’s already moving. His studies, his life, that’s his.

This is mine. Its time to take control of mine.

“No.” I say staring at what’s left of the place that kept me hostage– no. Put a roof over my head when my mother left.

“I’ll go on my own, thank you for always being there for me” I say with a smile on my lips.

“I will always be there for you, when you say stuff like that it gets me worried. I’m not going anywhere so get out your head, Jem”

“I’m not in my head!” I yell at him through the phone. He laughs, then it dies out and he speaks.

“Then move”

Memory~

I still remember the lady at the desk, her face was neutral. No. It was more than that. It was like she was used to this.

Was this a hospital? A kids hospital? Why were there so many kids? so many poor people. But- we aren’t poor, so why are we here?

“Name?” the lady at the desk asked.

“Jemma Oral” my mother responded still gripping my hand. The lady glanced at me, as I sniffed my tears.

“Coming back?” she said and for a second maybe for my sake she wished another answer would come, but this is reality. In reality you don’t get what you want, you get what you don’t want. Reality is no place for a fantasy. Your reality tells your fantasy’s–

“No.”

Present~

“I will” I respond as I am about to hang up.

“Wait!” Alvin yells.

“What?” I ask in curiosity.

“Uhhh r-remember the groceries” Alvin stammers which is weird for Alvin.

“I know.” I respond back.

“And– well I love you.” he says. I stare at the ground my whole world shaking in a confused but in a good way. He’s only said those words once to before, but that is another story.

“Y-you do?” I ask as I dig my foot in the ground.

“I mean– well we have known each other for awhile and well– family, I mean! I do! I- WHATEVER! Just come home safe bye!” he yells but he waits for me to say something back.

“I love you too..” I whisper back. “Bye”. I say as I hang up. I wonder if our feelings are different. What is love anyways? Do any of us orphanage kids really know? After all just when we were starting to feel love it was stripped away from us.

I move my feet as I think about it. Love…love…love…I’m lucky to have someone who loves me.

“I guess you were right Ms. Lena, I’m not alone anymore” I whisper up at the sky. “But– there are people who are”

I make it close enough to the house, it looks worse than I imagined. I bite my lip. I was happy when it came to its fall, I thought I was free but then we moved to another just like it. New house, more kids, more tears, no life. How many orphanage houses are there in this world, how many kids are abandoned everyday. How many kids are crying in this world because they were left and they don’t know why? How many kids are like me? How many are abused like Alvin?

“This is private property!!” a lady yelled. A familiar voice. One I despised, one I still despise.

I turn around to find Ms. Vicky with a line of children behind her. Young, fresh faces. Fresh tears. Fresh wounds.

Ms. Vicky’s face turns in surprise as she sees my face, her eyes seem to have tears in them.

“Hello Ms. Vicky” I say with a tiny smile.

“What are you doing here brat!” she said but her voice cracks. I smile.

“Just visiting.” I respond back as the kids look at me with curiosity.

“And where is the chipmunk brat thought he would be here too since you two were inseparable since Ms. Le-” she sighs and tries her best to say it. “Since Ms. Lena’s passing”

“He’s not here today, its just me.” I say trying my best to stop my deep hatred for her. All those days she hit me, beat me, tortured me and Alvin. Especially Alvin. I could never forgive her. Even now.

“What's that?” a little boy says coming up to me. He has dark black hair, his eyes remind me of Ms. Lena’s and he is short like the other kids.

“You! I told you to stay in line!” Ms. Vicky yells reaching her hand to grab the boys hair. I grab her hand.

“Stop” is all I say as I glare at her. “You may have treated us that way but I will not let you beat them the way you did us! Not in front of me” I yell, Ms. Vicky looks surprised but then snatches her hand away.

“Don’t get cocky, you only turned 18 a few months ago. Don’t forget who beat sense into you all those years.” she says, I try to remain strong but she sees right through me. “You still fear me” she says with a slight smile. “Hurry up bratty toe! We have to give our thanks!” she yells to the kid.

I glare at her as she orders the other kids, she is not wrong. I hate that.

“What’s that?” the boy asks me again. I forgot all about the rabbit, he used to be my everything but I even forgot he came on this journey with me. Do- Do I not need you anymore?

“Its- its my stuffed animal. Its a rabbit” I say bending down to his level. he cocks his head to the side.

“Doesn’t look like one.” he says. I smile a little I like him he doesn’t look sad or upset, just happy. I hope they won’t take away this from him. Please let them not.

“Its been through a lot.” I say with a smile.

“I’ve been through a lot too!” he says boasting up.

“For yourself?” I ask him.

“Yes all the time I’m strong for me!” he says with pride.

“Thats tiring huh?” I say.

“Yeah” he says deflating.

“Hmm can I tell you a story?” I say as I push his hair back.

“Yes Yes!” he said with joy.

“Well one day, I was given this toy he was really really old. But then I started relying on him a lot! And he always pulled through, I barely noticed his scars anymore it was like he was brand new.” I say turning the rabbit around.

“I don’t understand lady..” he says cocking his head to the side.

“I’m saying, when you find something you want to work for, something other than yourself, you barely notice how tired you are, you won’t even notice if your sleepy. All this rabbits life he’s been working for me. And now he’s all worn out.”

“What's his name?” the boy asks me.

“Len” I respond back.

“Can I have him? I’ll work hard for him! I won’t hurt him! promise” he says grabbing my pinky. We do a pinky promise. He smiles. And my heart shatters, giving Len away never crossed my mind. Len given to me by Ms. Lena, because I was lonely.

But I’m not lonely anymore. That’s right, I’m not. There is someone else who needs this and that person is not me.

“Okay, promise” I smile, and I slowly pass over Len. My eyes watering.

“Thank you! I’ll protect him!” he says hugging me really quickly as he runs to meet up with the group.

I smile..

“And I’ll protect you, your not alone any more sweetie I made sure of it!” I mutter to myself. I smile at the house and walk away. Its only after I leave that I realize I never got his name.

…

Sleep~ Baby sleep~

What are you waiting for~

The mornings on its way you know its only just a dreamm~

Oh sleep baby sleep

I’ll lie next to youuu~

The beauty of this mess

is that it brings me

closeeee~ to you

…

I feel closer to you, Ms. Lena, continue to watch over me.