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Mystery Romance Funny

are you dead

are you dead

did you fall and hit your head

are you dead

are you dead

can you never leave your bed

are you dead

are you dead

did you hear what I just said

or are your eyelids broken

are your toenails rotting

are you

dead

dead

dead


Needless to say, the teacher did not appreciate my song. In fact, she didn't like it so much that she picked her whole desk up, stepped towards me, threw the desk out our fourth story classroom window and said, "Get out."

I said, "Will I be dead, dead, dead if I don't?"

And she promptly threw an eraser at me. It bounced off the end of my nose and fell to the floor. I laughed. Dead eraser. Song about being dead. I guess maybe it didn't fare well for the teacher of a school of recently dead ghost children. Oh well. I was never one for the overly sensitive. I walked down to the office and knocked on the door. My favorite secretary opened it and scowled. She was so darn pleased to see me she could hardly contain her joy. "Hello, darling." I always liked to flirt with authority figures, especially the secretaries.

This one, like most others, was not amused. She said, "What are you here for today, Julian?"

"I, ah, you know what?" I leaned against the desk. At first it was hard to not fall through things, but I got the hang of it as I moved on through the school's program. Classical ghost training blah blah blah. "I am here because I dared to defy the societal standards that have seemed to follow me even into the afterlife. Isn't that something?"

"That's not funny, Julian. This is what, your fourth visit to the office? You're not allowed to break the rules like that."

"'oH nuq jatlh ghaH."

"Don't speak Klingon in here, Julian. You know no one understands that."

"But that's the only way I can get away with it, babe. I know it's difficult to comprehend how such a dazzling kid like me could make so much trouble, but you'll have to face that sooner or later. If the truth of that is too grave for you, then you can still go. Live your life. I'll find another ride or... die." I grinned. "Like my joke there?"

She rolled her eyes. "No."

"Ah, you have no chill."

"Would you just go sit in that chair over there? He'll be with you any minute now."

I winked as I went to go sit down. "I'll sit wherever you want me to, Cynthia."

"Mrs. Lurnswall to you, Julian."

"Whatever you say, honey, whatever you say."

I sat down and bounced my almost transparent legs as I wished for the headmaster to step in, tell me what a bad ghost boy I was, and then send me back to class. Only that day he had an different plan up his sleeves and I had no clue, so I thought I'd keep flirting with danger (and Cynthia) for literal eternity.

The door swung open again and in walked my other favorite person at the school. MR. Lurnswall was the headmaster of the entire school, the worst disciplinarian known to ghost and man kind, and also he was married to Cynthia. We were practically family, in some weird, weird way. I loved the guy, so I stood up, smacked his across the jiggly head, and turned to vault out the nearest window.

He caught me by the floating ankles and pulled me back down to the office floor. Blame new ghost privileges, but I wasn't any good at flying yet. "Hey, my favorite guy!" I smiled broadly at him, hoping the grin accentuated my delightfully sharp cheekbones. At least those hadn't been ruined in the crash that killed me and landed me here. 

“I can’t do this anymore, Julian.” 

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

“This isn’t the time for fun and games. I’ve had to make some complicated decisions in my past, but none like this.”

I planted hands on either side of my face, feigning utter disbelief. “Oh no! Did you have to choose meatloaf over egg salad in the cafeteria today?” A beat passed. “Oh wait. We’re dead. We don’t eat anything.” 

“Ju-li-an…” Mr. Lurnswall dragged out the syllables of my name, “I’m sending you back.” 

“What? Back where? To class?” I stood up to leave again. “That’s fine with me.” 

He shook his jiggly walrus head and frowned, the wrinkles a side effect of a life well lived and a death long put off. Unlike me, he was old when he died. Unlike me, it was probably fair. “No. Back to Earth. You’re coming back from the dead. We reject you. I’m sorry. It’s the only thing I can think of because you are, simply put, too annoying for us to deal with. We’re giving you back.” 

I chuckled. “You can’t just give me back to life. That doesn’t make sense. What will my parents think? They saw my body. They know I died. I did die! I’m dead. I have been for a while now. And my friends? Some of them were in the car with me when it crashed.” Read: when it was raining too hard for me to see my hands and I swerved off the road and plunged through the windshield because I was too lazy to fasten the seatbelt. “They’ll know it’s not real.”

“But it is real, Julian.”

I backed up really fast into the wall. If I was still breathing, that would have quickened. If I still had a heartbeat, that would have been racing. “Come on, man, don’t kid around like that. That’s impossible. First thing we learned at orientation was this was where we would be. There’s no going back. I can’t just get fired from being dead.” 

“Well, then, hand in your resignation, because you can’t stay here.”

I turned blindly to Cynthia, all tones of flirtation erased. “Is that true? You don’t want me here anymore?”

“We never said we didn’t want you here. We just have other students to attend to and you keep disrupting the processes. We have Life After Death grieving procedures and you wrote a song about, well, your song was very morbid and upset a lot of the sensitive children here.”

“Yeah, well, that’s where you messed up! They’re just kids, of course the idea of being dead is going to upset them. Don’t you think I was upset? Maybe singing that song was a distraction from the reminder that I couldn’t see my parents every morning, that I couldn’t feel my body, that I knew my friends would probably forget me in two months.”

“Now you can go back and see them all again. Julian. This is a second chance. I’d advise you to not waste it.” The headmaster, dump him, smiled at me almost kindly. He mostly looked constipated, though. “Buckle up and enjoy the ride.” 

I clutched the air, but I was already falling.

Or maybe I was spinning. Tripping? Tumbling? 

Maybe I had no idea what was going on at all? 

That was probably the best description. 

I closed my eyes and when I opened them again I was sprawled in the yard in front of my house. I could feel all ten of my fingers, all ten of my toes. I could feel the wind slashing through my hair and my nose going numb from the cold winter breezes. I sat there for a minute. Should I go inside, I thought? Would anyone be there if I knocked on the door? What if I gave my mother a heart attack by being, you know, alive again? I stood up shakily and headed up the steep driveway, my feet finally dragging in the rough gravel again. Man, who thought I would’ve missed the gravel? 

I did, though. 

I missed it all. 

I took deep breaths (breathing is really, really cool, guys) and arrived on my front porch. The last time I had been there I was escaping my family because they were being too loud. I wanted to talk to my girlfriend and my little brother kept poking me because he wanted to play Candyland. Well, needless to say, I did not play Candyland. I played go out with friends in bad weather and die and untimely and stupid death land and, take it from an expert, that’s a game that no one ever wins. 

It was nerve wracking to think of how the time had gone by. It had already been almost seven months, but I had enough hope in me to believe my mom would still flip her lid if she saw me. Which she would, because I was lifting my hand to knock right as I thought that. One knock, and no one answered. Two knocks, and my dogs started howling bloody murder. 

Three knocks, and I heard footsteps. 

My heart (hello, beautiful) thudded uncontrollably in my ribcage and I pressed both palms to my chest in a prayerful stance. This was it. This was the moment of truth. I had already been fired from being dead. Would I manage to get rehired at being alive? 

My mom didn’t open the door, but my brother did and that was almost more shocking. For him, for me, for the next door neighbors who heard us both screaming at the top of our lungs. Yeah, it was a community ordeal, pretty much a nationwide convention. 

“J-J-ULIAN?” 

“Hey, buddy.”

“You’re dead.” He backed up and started to slam the door but I caught it, grateful that I had come back alive with my famous guns intact. Man, my girlfriend loved my arms. That’s besides the point, but she really did. “You are dead, go away!”

“I’m not dead anymore, man. Look at me. I’m flesh and bones. I’m a milkshake and a burger with that. I’m Bert and Ernie. I’m peanut butter and jelly. I’m Superman and his Spandex. Dude. I’m Batman and Robin.”

“You’re really bad at comparisons! Maybe you are my brother.” His eyes got wide and round, like plates about to break, and he started screaming again. “MOM! MOMMY! MAMA! MOTHER! MADRE MIA BENDITA!”

My mother, of course, came crashing through the kitchen. When she saw me on the porch, she fell backwards and started screaming for my father, who was most likely sleeping this time of day. He came crashing slightly less loudly into the front room and when he saw me he fainted straight away. 

The next few minutes were pandemonium, but I was rushed into the house and I sat on our old paisley couch and did my best to explain what had happened. It didn’t make sense coming out of my mouth, didn’t even make sense to my own ears, and yet my family listened to every word. 

When I was done, my mother slapped me. 

My brother threw his remote controller at me and then kicked me in the shins.

My dad chuckled despite himself. 

My sister, who was a baby, took a dump in her diaper. 

I took all these things as ways of saying welcome home, Julian. 

And as nice as that reunion was (really, I hadn’t cried that much since watching Tinkerbell and the Neverbeast) I still had more people I had to get in contact with and I planned on starting with my girlfriend. She either was crying in her bed and thinking of me every minute of the day or had forgotten me and moved on to my best friend. 

It could go either way with Victoria. 

I headed to her house the next morning after sleeping in the living room, my whole family having fallen asleep on the couches after a late night of catching up. They said to go on ahead and talk to Victoria, though, that they would have food ready for me when I got back because I’d been eating non stop since last night. Eating, breathing, smiling and feeling your face hurt, there were so many little things I had taken for granted that I never would now. 

I walked to her house; didn’t trust myself to drive even though the skies were clear. Her drapes were pulled closed and this made me nervous because, like I mentioned earlier, she could either have been mourning my loss alone or… not doing that. I hoped she was mourning. If I had stayed dead, of course I would have wanted her to move on, but now that I was here again, that would be a bummer. Though, there were so many secretaries alive… I shook my head. Flirting was fun, sure, but Victoria and I had a real connection. Like, an emotional connection. I know, I know, call me a crazy kid, but I honestly kind of loved her and hoped with all my beautifully loud heart she wasn’t dating someone else. I didn’t bother knocking on her door, but instead went around the back of the house and threw rocks at her wall (how cliche of me, I know) until Victoria opened the window and, understandably, fell face forward out of her house. Luckily: arms. I caught her and set her up on her feet and she closed her eyes and opened them, closed them and opened them until I said, “It’s real, I’m here.”

She pushed me to the ground and I said, “Ow, Ree.” 

“Who hired you? Is this a joke? What’s wrong with you people?”

“No one hired me!” I threw my hands up in surrender. I also threw them there to keep from grabbing Victoria and carrying her back to her room. I missed her. I missed it all. “I’m not dead anymore. I’m not a ghost.” I took her hand as softly as possible, smiling against her palm. “See? Real.”

“It can’t be. You died. I watched you!” She pulled her hand away and held it to her heaving chest, sobs wracking her frame. “I was the one who rode the ambulance. No one else would, because they were scared of the blood and they were scared of catching death like it was contagious to fly through a windshield but not me. I knew you would want someone to watch you stop breathing. I knew if you had a last wish it would be for someone to hold your hands.”

“That’s true. You hit it right on the head. Do you know what I did? I remembered you calling me annoying trouble the minute before I swerved off the road and I used that for seven months and I bothered the people in charge of my ghost school so much they had to send me back. I didn’t think they would, but they did it. Here I am.” 

I was crying too and the cool, almost frozen tears that slipped down my face, over my smiling lips, were the prettiest tears I’d ever seen because they were mine and I really was here and I was alive. 

They were proof I had the second chance I never deserved. 


I was dead

I was dead

Because I was dumb

I was dead

I was dead

And I couldn't feel my thumbs

I was dead

I was dead

And I missed the cold

I was dead

I was dead

And I would never grow old.

Now I'm alive

I'm alive

And I have a second chance

I have a new stance

To learn life's dance

And I won't waste it

Not for a minute.

July 29, 2020 06:02

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29 comments

06:09 Jul 29, 2020

This was funny. Ghost school? I like what you did here and I love how annoying the protagonist was. It was beautiful and creative. Ok. So when the pro. was speaking to the secretary, he spoke in Klingon and when she tried to stop him, she said know twice. Check that out. Lovely story again

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Jubilee Forbess
15:10 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you for reading and yes, I did check it out and I said know instead of no once so that's why it messed up. :D

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Jubilee Forbess
06:03 Jul 29, 2020

Guys! My title is based off a song I love called Take Me Dancing by Will Joseph Cook! Check it out! :D

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Aditya Pillai
09:10 Aug 03, 2020

Great work, an absolute gem of a work! The concept is captivating. Love the main character's humour and his inner voice, so fun. :) I really like the seamless blend of lightheartedness and emotions in what is literally a situation of life and death. Really great, thanks for sharing this work with all of us! Would be great if you could check out mine too! :)

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Leya Newi
18:54 Aug 01, 2020

Absolutely brilliant. I loved the characters and the story and the ghost school. All of it, really. And even though Julian’s song was insensitive, I found it really funny, probably making me insensitive. Again, I loved everything about this story.

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Jubilee Forbess
03:50 Aug 03, 2020

Haha, I loved the song too! Thank you for reading, Leya!

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Corey Melin
06:10 Jul 31, 2020

A spin off to Beetlejuice, if you have ever seen it. Sounds like a relative. Very entertaining. Loved it

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Jubilee Forbess
03:51 Aug 03, 2020

I have seen Beetlejuice! This wasn't exactly inspired of it but now that you make the connection I like it even better! Thank you, Corey!

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Sue M
02:49 Jul 30, 2020

Very, very creative story Rhondalise! I had no idea what was going to happen with Julian, and was impressed with your idea to send the dead boy back. My only suggestion (based on the prompt), would be to add, in at least one place, that Julian smiled. For example, when he went to see his girlfriend... and you wrote, "...she closed her eyes and opened them, closed them and opened them until I SMILED AND said, “It’s real, I’m here.” Or, "...I bothered the people in charge of my ghost school so much they had to send me back. I didn’t t...

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Jubilee Forbess
04:03 Jul 30, 2020

Thank you so much! That is very good feedback and I will do my best to add to that.

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Sue M
04:14 Jul 30, 2020

You're very welcome! Sue

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20:26 Jul 29, 2020

Wow, this was amazing, Rhondalise! I loved everything about it, especially the humor. Looking forward to more work from you (as I always am!)! ~Aerin (P. S. Would you mind checking out my new (and by that, I mean I posted it 10 minutes ago) story, ‘Jax Off Ash (Part 1)’?)

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Jubilee Forbess
13:40 Jul 30, 2020

Thank you for reading! And your story was great.

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13:57 Jul 30, 2020

Thx!

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Conan Helsley
18:16 Jul 29, 2020

This was incredibly creative. The most creative take on this prompt I've read. I have no complaints whatsoever. It was a great playful take on a serious subject, and I more than struggle with humor in my own writing. Any tips on that? Awesome story. I hope more are this refreshing.

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Jubilee Forbess
18:46 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you so much! A lot of my stories are similar so I do hope you'll check them out. Um, for humor, though, I read a lot of joke books (even when they're awful jokes) watch a whole lot of shows like SNL and All That and MadTV and then I listen to music while I write. But one of the main things is just to be very observant about what makes you laugh, what makes others laugh around you. And take notes, always, always take notes.

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Conan Helsley
21:07 Jul 29, 2020

I do watch a lot of comedy, the same shows you noted actually, as well as sit-coms, but I have a very dark worldview due to life experiences so I see things through that curtain, and it affects my writing a great deal.

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Jubilee Forbess
21:19 Jul 29, 2020

That makes for your style, though, and that's not a bad thing.

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Conan Helsley
21:25 Jul 29, 2020

I agree, I don't see my darkness as a bad thing. It's who I am. In person as well as in my work.

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Conan Helsley
17:49 Jul 29, 2020

I haven't read this or any other pieces of yours, but I just wanted to let you know that I will be checking some of them out soon. If you have any comments on my stories, please feel free to leave feedback of any kind.

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Jubilee Forbess
18:44 Jul 29, 2020

Thank you, I'll definitely comment when I have time to read more closely! and I like your name because you know Conan Gray? His music's pretty fun. :) Also Arthur CONAN Doyle is the best, so there's that too.

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Conan Helsley
21:05 Jul 29, 2020

I don't know Conan Gray's music but have seen his social media. I'm actually named after Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian. My dad grew up reading the books and comics and always wanted a son by that name. His family talked him out of naming my older brother Conan, but when I came along he refused to listen. Which I'm very thankful for.

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Jubilee Forbess
13:43 Jul 30, 2020

Of course!

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Jen Park
07:25 Jul 29, 2020

Wow! I like the humors hidden in the story to make the whole piece better. The idea of ghost school and fired from death is thought provoking, and the idea that breathing is cool. I liked the part of reunion with family and girlfriend. It really makes me think that I should live every day like the protagonist did in the story! Also, nice poem. I loved it. :)

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Jubilee Forbess
15:11 Jul 29, 2020

Aw, thanks! I loved the poem too.

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Orenda .
07:40 Jul 29, 2020

Yayy, i was laughing out loud at how annoying the protagonist is..your sense of humour always gets me and the plot is very unique. Well done!! p.s. we are waiting for you on instagram😳 so hurry up!!

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Jubilee Forbess
15:10 Jul 29, 2020

:) I know, I do need to hurry! But in the meantime, thank you for reading!

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Orenda .
15:46 Jul 29, 2020

hahaha no problem

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Orenda .
18:17 Jul 29, 2020

Heyyy....I've uploaded my story...feel free to check it out!! 🙂😊

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