Phases of the Rhoon

Treatment for proposed TV series.

Anthology show: SECOND CHANCES

Episode One: Phases of the Rhoon

Scene One-

We open on the cluttered, messy, but not filthy double wide trailer of Langdon Janssen (late 60's), a weathered old cuss with thinning white hair, known as GRANTHER to his trio of grandchildren all from Granther's daughter Shaunessy, the... Free Spirit. DOBBIN (12) is a befreckled ginger with a mop of blazing red hair, the bangs from which tend to cover his eyes like a shaggy dog. SOJOURN (9), from a different father, is a slightly built Asian girl with silky black hair that wafts halfway down her back like she's been growing it since birth. And finally, KENNISHAW (7), from yet another father, is a bi-racial boy with blond cornrows of hair to go with his caramel skin tone and missing front teeth.

The kids sit among the clutter on one side of a large coffee table, as Granther sips coffee from a mug on the other side, sitting in an old rocking chair that can't really rock backwards anymore because of all the junk that's behind it.

GRANTHER: Dobbin, I swear when I first taught you how to brew me up a cup of coffee you couldn't get it to taste right for Francis Ford Crappola, but now... YUM!

DOBBIN: That's because you taught me how to do it when I was 4, Granther. I could barely reach the counter to use the percolator. And I still can't believe it's the same damn percolator.

GRANTHER: Just because something gets old doesn't mean it has to be replaced.

SOJOURN: But you had your hip replaced.

KENNISHAW: Yeah. Both of them.

GRANTHER: Well, not becuz I wanted to. Damn orthopedic surgeon needed the money I guess.

DOBBIN: It wasn't your money. Medicare paid him off, didn't they?

GRANTHER: Most of him, the rest they sucked from the marrow of my OTHER bones!

Sojourn and Kennishaw look quizzically at each other, as Dobbin grins.

DOBBIN: That must've stung.

GRANTHER: Of course, I was speaking metaphorically.

KENNISHAW: Is that like Heavy Metal?

Kennishaw jumps on the coffee table as he begins to play air guitar while making twang noises with his mouth.

GRANTHER: Dobbin, corral your brother. I eat off this table.

DOBBIN: (Grabbing Kinneshaw off the coffee table and easing him back down to the floor) Only cuz you can't eat at your dining room table...

Camera swish pans to reveal a large table overflowing with cereal boxes, cans and other food stuffs.

DOBBIN: Or your breakfast bar.

Camera swish pans to reveal a small nook with bar stools set up flooded with all manner of alcoholic beverages. Bottles of bourbon, whiskey and gin are set up there, and littered with wine bottles and empty beer cans as well.

DOBBIN: Where you usually drink your breakfast.

GRANTHER: Hey! I'm old and in pain.

SOJOURN: From what?

GRANTHER: (Under his breath) Well, the three of you come to mind.

DOBBIN/SOJOURN/KENNISHAW: (In unison) WHAT?!

GRANTHER: Nothing... Nothing... Look, kids, the reason I called this lil meeting of the Rhoon Society was to tell you something pretty big.

KENNISHAW: What's the Rude So-ciety?

DOBBIN: Not rude, Rhoon! Don't you remember? I'm a Rhoon. She's a Rhoon. You're a Rhoon. Even Grather's a Rhoon.

GRANTHER: I was the original Rhoon.

KENNISHAW: But what IS a Rhoon?

GRANTHER: According to my old Dutch Uncle Lars, a Rhoon... Named after a small village outside Rotterdam where nothing much ever happened... Is a thing that serves no purpose, performs no function, but is always there. A millstone around the neck of life.

SOJOURN: Why did your uncle call you that?

GRANTHER: Cuz he got saddled with taking care of me a lot of the time. The way I take care of you three now.

DOBBIN: So... Badly?!

Dobbin chuckles as Granther shoots him a look.

GRANTHER: He was the worst, but me I at least pay some attention to you.

SOJOURN: Well, more than Mom does, but that isn't exactly saying much for your level of care giving.

GRANTHER: (To Dobbin) I love it when your sister gets all mature. (To Sojourn) It's that Korean Dad of yours. He always had a good head on his shoulders. Till it got blown off in Afghanistan. (To Kennishaw) 'Course if that hadn't happened, you wouldn't be here, Kennishaw.

DOBBIN: At least not looking like this. So what's the bad news, Granther?

GRANTHER: Why do you assume it's bad news, Dob?

DOBBIN: Because every time it's something good you call it a parlay or a huddle. You only call a meeting of the Rhoon Society when you're gonna lower the boom.

SOJOURN: So in what way are you going to disappoint us today?

KENNISHAW: Coming over here is pretty disappointing. You never have the good cereals, just that stuff to make you poop.

GRANTHER: Well, when you're 70, not 7, you'll understand the importance of bran flakes. Now then, fellow Rhoons, you know I sympathize with you. I was an oops baby too. Born of a Dutch father and an Irish mother, I was a BIG surprise. My sisters were so much older than me it was like growing up with 4 Moms, and each one of them had it in for me. Which is why I often escaped to my Uncle Lars' place.

DOBBIN: Who loved seeing you so much, he christened you a Rhoon.

GRANTHER: And explained to me what it meant too, the bastard.

DOBBIN: So, what's the bad news? Uncle Lars is still alive and coming over to take care of us tonight?

GRANTHER: No, he's been dead for 30 years. Rotted his liver by the time he was 50.

KENNISHAW: How do you rot your liver?

DOBBIN: It takes effort, Kennishaw. (Looking at the bottles of booze on the breakfast bar) But, trust me, Granther's trying. So, what's the bad news, Gran?

GRANTHER: Uh... Well... Uh... Look kids... It's just that. Granther's going away.

DOBBIN: You mean you're dying?!

SOJOURN: Of what?

KENNISHAW: I don't want you to die, Granther. I'm still getting over my turtle getting ate by my snake.

DOBBIN: And it was a double homicide cuz the snake couldn't digest the turtle and it died too.

KENNISHAW: Yeah, I lost 2 pets in one gulp.

GRANTHER: Calm down, my little Rhoons, I'm not dying. I'm just moving to Florida.

SOJOURN: What?!

DOBBIN: You mean you're abandoning us?!

KENNISHAW: Where's Florida? Isn't that where Disney World is? Are you gonna live in Disney World, Granther?

DOBBIN: You're actually leaving us to your daughter the pole dancer that checks in with us when she thinks about it, cuz of her 8 boyfriends?! When we're not here the only reason we don't starve is becuz of Postmates and Grub Hub!

SOJOURN: And the fact that you memorized Mom's Discover Card number.

GRANTHER: See? You're smart! You can handle it, Dobbin. And officially your Mom makes her money doing gardening videos on You Tube. Okay, with the revolving door of bed buddies, she does put the HOR in horticulture, but that's beside the point.

DOBBIN: No, that IS the point, Granther! That's the big, fat, hairy point! Shaunessy Jannsen O'Casey Park Greer is to Motherhood what the sun is to the snow man!

GRANTHER: Dobbin! Why are you so upset?

DOBBIN: Granther, I'm 12! I'm looking forward to puberty. To getting horny, getting pimples, getting rejected by girls that are out of my league! I wasn't exactly thinking about spending my teen years looking out for these two!

SOJOURN: Thanks, I feel loved.

KENNISHAW: I feel confused. Why are you going to live in Florida, Granther? Don't you like us anymore?

GRANTHER: Oh, guys, I love ya like I love my heating pad, but I'm getting older. I'm falling apart. Going to Florida will be like my second chance.

SOJOURN: To do what?

DOBBIN: Second chance? Granther we haven't even had our first chance! And with Mom around we got NO chance if you're gone.

GRANTHER: Dobbin, haven't you always complained about coming over here and tripping over things?

SOJOURN: He's got a point, Dob. It IS like an obstacle course in here.

KENNISHAW: I like it! I've learned to jump really good, and do a tuck and roll every time I fall.

DOBBIN: I hate your hoarding, Granther. Thanks to you, my 7 year old brother is training to become a stunt man.

SOJOURN: And, when you leave, what are you going to DO with all this crap?

KENNISHAW: (Looking around) Is THIS why he buys that cereal?

GRANTHER: I'm donating most of it.

DOBBIN: To where? The city dump wouldn't take most of this!

GRANTHER: You'd be surprised. Some of this stuff... Is antique.

KENNISHAW: Like you, Granther?

GRANTHER: (To Dobbin) And you wonder why I'm headed for Florida?

DOBBIN: Granther, I'm begging you, you can't just walk out on us to become a beach bum.

GRANTHER: I prefer the term: Beachcomber.

KENNISHAW: Why? You don't have any hair left to comb.

DOBBIN: Sometimes, Kennishaw, I adore having you as a brother.

SOJOURN: And how can you afford to move anyway? I thought the reason we ate bologna a lot was because you always said money was tight.

GRANTHER: Yeah, well... I lied. You see I've been sticking your Mom pretty good over the years for the care and feeding of you three. I mean, not quite real day care money, but enough to where over the years, I have quite a little nest egg saved up.

Dobbin and Sojourn exchange a look.

DOBBIN: So, in other words, you're using OUR money to desert us?!

KENNISHAW: Ooooo, when are we getting dessert?

DOBBIN: And there are other times, I'm embarrassed to have you as my brother. Look-it, Gran, I thought we were a team? You know, the Rhoons? Go team!

GRANTHER: Hey, on every team the head coach retires eventually.

SOJOURN: But not in the middle of the season.

GRANTHER: Sorry, kids, but second chances don't come along very often. I gotta grab mine while I can.

DOBBIN: Then... Take us with you.

GRANTHER: The 4 of us in a bungalow on the Florida Keys? Somehow I don't think so.

DOBBIN: We'll pitch a tent!

KENNISHAW: Yeah, I'm a good pitcher! My T-Ball Coach says so.

SOJOURN: There is no pitching in T-Ball.

KENNISHAW: See how good I am.

DOBBIN: (Looking forlornly at Kennishaw) Maybe you can just take two of us.

GRANTHER: Look, Dobbin, even if I wanted to, your Mom would never let you leave.

DOBBIN: Like she'd notice?

GRANTHER: Eventually, yeah. And if there's one thing I know about Shaunessy when something is hers, it's HERS. She's more possessive than a poltergeist. And you three are hers. The minute you're gone, she'll want you back, and she'll pitch a fit until she gets you.

KENNISHAW: Maybe that's why I'm so good at pitching? I get it from Mom.

DOBBIN: Maybe we could fake our own deaths? (Looks at Kennishaw) Starting with him.

GRANTHER: I'm sorry my lil Rhoons, but I'm afraid we've come to a new phase in our relationship... The parting of the ways.

Dobbin looks defeated, Kennishaw looks confused, but Sojourn appears lost in thought.

SOJOURN: Not necessarily. I think I have a plan.

DOBBIN: I don't know, Sis. The last plan you had involved me, Kennishaw, and a very pissed off Black Bear!

SOJOURN: We got the fresh honey, didn't we?

DOBBIN: Sojourn, I don't think--

GRANTHER: Wait up there, Dob. Let's hear her out. She's come up with some good plans before. She got your Mom's devious mind. And maybe it is a good idea to keep the Rhoon society together. Maybe this can be a second chance...?

DOBBIN: (Finishing for him) For all of us?

Granther's only response is to put his arm around Dobbin's shoulders and give him a little squeeze, as Sojourn smiles broadly.

KENNISHAW: Are we still getting dessert?

END of Scene One

More to follow as per Project #R34582

EP's: Knudsen/Schroyer/Kilpatrick