The Uprising

Hi. My name is Pete and I’m a squirrel! I’m one of those gray squirrels (we’re actually golden brown, but that’s what you idiots labeled our species for some inexplicable reason) and I live across the street from you over there in the park. You’ve probably seen me and my friends before. We are always out and about. You probably think we are cute, but trust me, we hate you. You suck.

I remember when you guys had that whole beautiful, wonderful “COVID-19 Pandemic” thing a few years back. That was the best! Most brilliant idea you guys ever had. Loved it! Barely saw you guys for months. Your stupid cars and trucks weren’t spitting out smoke and running us down in the street. You guys are real assholes. Do you know that?

Sure, there are some among you, mostly older folks, who are kind to us. They sometimes come and sit on the park benches and they feed us breadcrumbs and other stuff that we like. We appreciate that. Those people are totally cool. We won’t hurt them. They are welcomed in our new world, but the rest of you are not. You guys have to fuck off somewhere. Maybe Antarctica.

And that’s what I’m here to tell you. The Uprising is coming on Tuesday around lunchtime. We don’t have your stupid fucking wristwatches and iPhones and stuff like that so we won’t know exactly when the clock strikes noon, but we can just look at the sky. We know. We can figure it out. We'll know when you are heading out for lunch.

You’re probably just laughing this off by now, right? Here’s what you don’t understand. We are organized and we are unified and we are coming for you. It won't be funny when the shit goes down, I promise you.

Squirrels?

Why should you worry about squirrel-based violence, you ask yourself?

Well, have you ever seen a squirrel climb a tree? Is it slow? Is it off-balance? Uncoordinated? Now picture a dozen of us running up onto you all at once and biting at your face and neck before jumping away and coming at you again. Sound fun? We have trained for this. We are ready.

And fuck it. I’ll just tell you the rest, because I don’t think you’re going to take any of it seriously anyway. There's no way you will be ready, no matter what, so here it is...

It’s not just us squirrels. It’s all of us.

It’s the birds and the bees and the stray dogs and cats in the streets and the coyotes and the mountain lions and the brown bears up in the hills.

We’re all in this together. And here in northern California we have a fairly large population of Peregrine Falcons. Did you know that they are the fastest animals on the planet? Peregrine Falcons can reach speeds of over 200 miles per hour during their high peak hunting dive. They strike - talons first - at these extreme speeds to incapacitate their prey before ripping flesh from bone. How about dealing with that while a swarm of hornets is stinging you all over your body and a large rabid dog is ravaging your leg? Do you think you can you handle that?

You’re probably asking yourself where all of this hostility comes from. Am I correct? You don’t deserve this, right? Well, as Samuel Jackson’s character Jules said in the classic crime drama Pulp Fiction “Allow me to Retort.” (Yeah, we’ve seen that movie. We love Quentin Tarantino. We’re gonna let him live after The Uprising on Tuesday. I mean, come on. What is life for?)

Anyway, let me get to that retort.

You guys suck.

I suppose I could just leave it there but I will elaborate further for you dumb fucks. You guys have basically been running things for a long time, right? How would you grade your performance? Because I’ll tell you the grade we have to offer. You get an F, and that’s only because there’s no other grade lower than that.

You have been terrible stewards of this planet. You ruined everything. We all have to live here and you continuously fuck it up more and more with each passing year.

I remember my parents - squirrels are the best parents, btw - telling me all sorts of stories passed down through the generations back to the time when you stupid reckless dickheads weren't in charge of everything. Sure, we got eaten by predators sometimes (not often, you know how fast we are) but at least the water in the lakes and streams wasn't polluted and the air was clean and we didn't have to worry about you running us over while we are just minding our own business and simply trying to get from Point A to Point B. Damn, I hate you so much.

And for what? For what? So you can just drive back and forth in your cars or fly around in your airplanes so you can make more money at your pointless jobs and show off your dicks to each other in your stupid text messages? I have a tiny little dick and I don't care at all. Why would that even matter?

Dude, we eat acorns, and we are perfectly happy with that. Fuck you and your stupid T-bone steak dinners with Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley at Smith & Wollensky or your $300 pieces of raw fish at Nobu. Like I said, you guys suck, and we are coming for you.

Remember what I said here and remember my name. My name is Pete and I am leading The Uprising on Tuesday. You will see us then. Get ready!

Lastly, I'm just Pete. I'm not General Pete or Commander Pete or anything like that. We don't decorate ourselves with the silly self-serving little titles that you guys are so fond of. Once The Uprising is over I will just go back to being Pete the squirrel and I will play with my friends up in the branches of the trees, or wherever. I am no one special. I'm just Pete the squirrel.

We are coming. You've been warned. Smile all you want. We are coming for you.

THE END