Why Is This Happening?

Ten seconds. I can’t breathe. I really can’t breathe. This is going to be the moment I die. Have I accomplished anything important in my life? I don’t think so. How has it come to this? I thought I was better than this. Apparently not.

Nine seconds. I can feel my heart coming out of my chest. Will anyone miss me when I’m gone? Why wasn’t I nicer to my sister? Does she know I love her? So many questions. So many things I could have accomplished. How did I get here?

Eight seconds. You could say I’m getting what I deserve. It definitely feels that way. I mean why else would I be getting punished like this. I must have angered some higher spirit to deserve this kind of wrath. It had to be all that improper parking that I’ve done. But honestly, no one ever uses the handicap parking spots, and who really knows that I’m not pregnant. It could be one week, it still counts as an expectant mother, I personally don’t think you need to show a large belly to park there.

Seven seconds. Parking isn’t bad enough to deserve this. Maybe it's something worse. Maybe it’s that I eat grapes out of the bag while I’m shopping. I know you’re supposed to wash them but come on, they’re delicious. It makes grocery shopping much more tolerable. Is the bag a little light when I get to the cash register? Maybe. But how is that my fault? I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Six seconds. Maybe this is about my mother. It always comes back to the mother. If I had seen a therapist, all this could have been avoided. I would not feel the need to put myself in this deadly situation and I would be a much happier person. Yes, this is definitely my mother’s fault. If I survive this, I vow to let her know the damage she has caused.

Five seconds. More like it's my ex-boyfriend’s fault. He made me insecure in some ways and now I’ve resorted to life-threatening actions to turn my life around. If he had just been what I needed this would never have happened. Good riddance to him and that girl he’s been displaying all over Instagram lately. Hopefully, he sees my obituary, realizes what he’s done to me, and regrets it for the rest of his life. Why does he deserve to be happy when I’m one foot in the grave right now?

Four seconds. Can a lung just collapse out of nowhere? I think that is what’s happening. Maybe that’s why I can’t breathe. My lung has collapsed and my heart is working too hard to compensate and now I can’t catch my breath. This is it. It's funny that in my last moments I realize all the things I could have been. I should have been a doctor. Maybe then I would have been able to diagnose this myself and I never would have been in this position because I would have already taken safety precautions. When they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, they weren’t lying. Where did that saying come from by the way?

Three seconds. Maybe I can survive this. If I do, I’m going to change my life. I’ll be a better person, a better sister, daughter, and friend. If I can just pull through this, I know I can change for the better. I just need to be given the chance. I know I’m meant for more than this. It can’t be the end right now. I wish I was more religious. Then I would have someone to pray to right now to give me comfort in the end. Or hope that I can pull through this. I wish my mom was here. She would know what to do.

Two Seconds. Maybe my death will bring everyone together. Maybe that is what I’m meant to do. If I can make peace with that then I know I will be fine. Everyone will gather together at my funeral. They’ll reminisce about the good times; realize they don’t spend enough time together then exchange numbers. All the people who have been feuding will come together and maybe create a charity, in my name of course, so that no one will ever have to go through this again. It could be magical actually.

One second. This is it. This is the end. I can’t go on a second more. My entire body feels heavy, my breath is coming in short pants, my lungs have seized and my heart is ready to explode. As I give those final pants, I think about how I got here. Please let everyone I love learn from my mistakes. Never let this happen to you. You can all do better than this I promise just remember my cautionary tale. Just be better.

Zero seconds. It's over. I slam my hand down on the stop button and heave myself off the treadmill. I can’t believe I did that. It was an absolutely awful experience. I promise once I catch my breath and am in control of my body once more, I’m going to kick the crap out of this torture device for putting me through this. I can barely hear the music pumping in my ears over the sound of my heartbeat. All I want is to lose is a measly ten pounds. Why must I put myself through this? And why must I be punished for loving wonderful things? That pizza brings a smile to my face, cheeseburgers are just sublime, and donuts bring me serenity. Why am I being punished for that? Shouldn’t the universe want to see me happy? It's all just a big setup. I think of all these thoughts as I force myself to stand grab a towel and wipe down my machine. Maybe I do feel a little better now. Maybe I can do this again tomorrow. Who knows, maybe next time I can run longer than ten minutes.