Let's blame grandpa

‘Good morning darling’

‘Oh, morning mummy. How are you, daddy, and Ella?’

‘Yes, we’re fine thanks. Just been for a walkies with Ella and I’m sure we’ll be out again soon. Maybe a stop at The Old Boot on the way back this time.’

‘Oh mummy. Well don’t say too much. You know what you’re like after a snifter or two.’

‘I don’t know what you’re implying darling. I am the soul of discretion.’

‘Mmm yes I’ve heard that one before.’

‘This is very different. I have to say I just didn’t think your brother’s relationship was going to pan out with Donna kebab, so I was just honest about it.’

‘Oh, mummy stop calling her Donna kebab. She was lovely.’

‘I know, but not quite right for us. Do you remember that family meal at The Dorchester and she came out afterwards, saying she could murder a kebab. Don’t you think that’s a bit uncouth?’

‘I’ve heard worse mummy, and you have to admit the portions were teeny.’

‘Well, I don’t have to worry about any questions about that for now. I promise to keep my mouth closed.’

‘Thank you.’

‘How’s your darling husband?’

‘Mummy, he’s not my husband.’ 

‘Well only a matter of time.’

‘Oh, don’t say that. All that pressure.’

‘You shouldn’t feel any pressure. You’ve excelled in so many areas and not that it’s a competition, but you did get higher A-Level grades than him. You’re an absolute peach my darling, he’d be lucky to have you. If not, there will be another prince charming ready to scoop you up.’

‘Well, it’ll be nice to meet his dad again and quite a few of the family will be there. It’s his grandad’s birthday so I just need to work out what to buy.’

‘Well by all accounts he has a raucous sense of humour so maybe something a bit cheeky?’

‘Yes maybe. I’ll check.’

‘And I’ve booked you an appointment with Charles Worthington on Friday and did you say you’d found something to wear?’

‘Thank you mummy, I’ll see you on Friday. Yes, I can show you, my outfit.’

‘Perfect have a lovely week and give your lovely husband a big squeeze from me.’

‘I will do mummy.’

****

‘’Pips, how are you?’

‘Ya fine thanks sis, super hungover today after a night on the tiles. It was superb though. Had a bit of a smooch with someone called Benedict.’

‘Oh hello, you’ll have to tell me all next week. Are you coming along on Friday?’

‘Oh yes mummy said she’d treat us both. How are you? How’s your lovely man? Mummy said you’re going to a birthday bash and meeting his granny and grandad at the weekend. I hear wedding bells.’

‘Oh, pips you sound like mummy. I’m really looking forward to meeting his family but I’m also completely shitting my pants about it.’

‘Lovely, you should speak like that when you meet them, and they’ll probably send you to the tower. I’ve heard grandad is a riot. Did you hear what he said the other day at a charity tackling eating disorders?

‘No’ 

‘He met someone from the charity who was eating and said, ‘you probably don’t want to eat that much, or you’ll be sick.’

‘Oh’

‘I think the poor girl had bulimia.’

‘Goodness.’

‘I just don’t know what to buy him. What do you buy the man who literally doesn’t need anything?’

‘Subscription to playboy?’

‘Ha! Yes, I’m sure that’ll be received well.’

‘Maybe just a bottle of whiskey?’

‘Maybe, I’ll check. How’s James?’

‘He’s ok, he’s still quite upset about splitting with Donna, but I think she was looking to settle down and I don’t think he felt he could with her.’

‘Tricky.’

‘Right Ciao for now Pips, I’ve got to pop to Waitrose before maverick comes over later.’

‘Where he today?’

‘He’s out training, he’s flying around Bucklebury I think.’

‘Lovely! He should pop into The Old Boot…that’ll help with the old rumour mill.’

****

‘Kitty cat’

‘How did you get on?’

‘Good thank you, I should be with you in about five. Bert thought there was a very suspicious BMW following us a while back, but we seem to have lost him.’ 

‘Oh goodness.’

‘Honestly don’t worry I don’t think I’ve been seen so I’ll be with you shortly. Ok sweets, spank you later.’

When my maverick arrived at the door, he looked shattered but there was something about seeing him in his flying gear that I found a complete turn on. 

‘Can I be your wing girl?’

‘Certainly.’

And with that he scooped me up into his arms and led me to the bedroom. We were incredibly wary of our privacy after everything he had experienced growing up and of course the associated heartache. He had brought in one of his Granny’s interior designers who had put up blinds in the bedroom that no ruthless paps would be able to break through. I often felt like I was living outside of my body, observing the crazy life that I was entering but none of it felt real. When we were at University, I felt we were shielded by so many factors and our relationship felt like that of any nineteen-year-old students.  After The Sun published some photos from our ski trip, things changed.

‘William darling.’

‘Yes, my kitty cat’

‘You won’t call me that in front of your granny, will you?’

‘She won’t mind at all.’

‘Please don’t. I’d be mortified. If you do, I’ll have to keep calling you ‘one pint Willy.’

‘You wouldn’t dare, what went on at university, stays there’.

And with that my pilot rugby tackled me on to the bed and we had the best sex we’ve ever had. I kept trying not to overthink things, we are so young, but all the interest from the press and now being introduced to ‘The Firm’ posed so many questions.

****

I was picked up just after 10am the following Sunday morning to make the drive over together. I would be meeting granny and grandad as well as his father, stepmother and brother. 

As we drove up the immaculate drive, I thought I was going to faint.

William grabbed my hand and said to our driver Eddie, ‘Kate has nothing to worry about, does she?’

‘Absolutely not, they will love you. Honestly, they are just like any other family, well apart from they own all the land in England…oh and if they don’t like you, they can send you to the tower.’

‘Eddie, you’ve clearly been chauffeuring my brother around recently. You’ve caught his cheeky sense of humour.’ And then he turned to me and said, ‘Have I told you how incredibly beautiful you look?’

Blushing, I gave William a kiss and said, ‘please don’t distract me, I need to get into role.’

‘You don’t need to get into role. They’ll love you just as you are.’

As they pulled up outside the castle, the door was opened, and they were welcomed in by the head of house team. 

‘Your highness’

‘Hello Tony, this is Catherine.’

‘It’s a pleasure Lady Catherine.’

‘Her majesty would like to greet you in the drawing room.’

‘Wonderful, thank you again.’

I thought I was going to be sick. It’s ok, they’re just like any other family, they’re just like any other family.

As we walked what felt like a mile along the crimson carpet, it was fascinating to see all the faces of the rulers of England lining the walls.

As I almost stopped to turn and admire the portrait of Elizabeth I, William turned to me saying ‘Look darling, I know you are fascinated by art, but can I give you a tour later?’

‘of course.’

As the doorman opened the door into the drawing room, I was surprised that such a formal room felt so cozy.

‘We weren’t in long before a doorman walked in and announced, ‘Her majesty.’

William and I had spoken for years about the royal life and etiquette but when I was face to face with her majesty, I froze.

‘Granny, please may I present Catherine Middleton.’

‘owwwwww, heeeelllo Catherine. I remember meeting you briefly at your graduation service. Oh, that was a wonderful occasion. What a proud day for us all.’

I curtseyed and took her majesty’s hand saying, ‘it’s such a pleasure to meet you again your majesty.’ She had such a lovely kind face and noticed a twinkle in her eye. She was wearing a beautiful Navy dress, and her signature handbag was attached to one arm.

‘Delighted. Your grandad is on his way. He just wanted to have a quick chat to our men in the cellar about the wine choice for lunch.’

‘I think grandpa goes down there for a quick birthday snifter before lunch’ quipped William.

‘Oh William, you sound like your brother.’

‘Oh, surely not.’

The door went and in walked Prince Philip. He had a wonderfully cheeky smile.

‘And this must be the lovely Catherine that we’ve heard so much about. Thank you so much for joining us today, Catherine, we’re so pleased you’re here.’

‘Oh, thank you, your majesty and Happy Birthday’ As I reached out for his hand, he tapped the top of my hand with his other hand. Is that protocol? When can I have my hand back? 'I brought you a little something. Nothing special. Just some chutney I made.'

‘goodness a woman of many talents, thank you so much. Sorry for holding things up, there are some lovely bottles of pol roger being served along the corridor. What do the youth say, ‘let's get this party started.’

‘Philip’

‘Lilibet’

William gave me a huge smile and I knew all would be ok.

We followed The Queen and Prince Philip down the corridor, followed by a couple of corgis. The queen said she was very upset as one of her corgis was feeling ill and being treated by the Royal Vet. Goodness, no pressure for the Vet I thought.

As we entered one of the lounges, Prince Charles and Camilla got up to greet me. I was so taken aback when they both scooped me up and gave me a welcoming embrace.

‘Catherine, we’re delighted to see you.’ Prince Charles said. ‘How are you? You’re looking so well.’

‘Oh, thank you, your highness.’

‘Please please. Charles is fine.’

‘Thank you for inviting me into your lovely home. What amazing paintings.’

‘Oh yes Catherine loves art daddy. You’ll have to give her a tour later.’

The door opened and William’s brother came running in.

‘Slow down Harry, I always worry you’re going to knock something over.’

‘Pops, I was just excited to see you.’

Charles embraced Harry and gave him such a long squeeze; it was so moving. He gave Camilla a peck on the cheek which I wasn’t sure how to read.

‘Is this all of us then?’

Princess Anne piped up ‘Yes, I do think so. Zara and Mike were hoping to make it, but you know what party animals they are. I think they’re probably just rolling home from a day at the races.’

We were all ushered into a more intimate room where glasses of champagne were handed out. I tried not to look like a tourist, but I found the faces on the paintings fascinating. To think the man, I was bonking was a descendant of all these kings and queens in history.

‘Do you have a favourite royal Catherine?’ pipped up Philip.

‘Oh Daddy. Where on earth are you going with this?’ said Anne.

‘I just noticed Catherine’s interest in all the paintings.’

Not wanting to seem like a total airhead I said ‘Well apart from William and your majesty obviously, I am a fan of Edward VII. He was a staunch promoter of the English language. He really promoted it and now, well our language is our superpower.

‘Do you know Catherine, it’s funny that you say that. You sound just like the President of the United States.’ said the Queen.

‘Goodness granny, are you joking.’

‘George W Bush came to stay with us here and he said, ‘you know what your majesty.’

‘Oh, granny that’s a terrible accent.’ said William looking slightly embarrassed.

‘I can do a better one.’ declared Philip. He said, ‘you know, you have two things in this country that are your soft power: The English language and you, your majesty.’

‘I was quite taken aback. They were a lovely couple and a jolly good rider. He could almost keep up with me.’ added her majesty.

We were invited into a huge dining room where The Queen and Prince Philip would regularly entertain heads of state. We were served a wonderful lunch starting with venison, followed by duck for main and an amazing trifle for dessert. The champagne kept flowing as did the excellent conversation with wonderful snippets from the queen's past. I was having the time of my life and at times felt I was just surrounded by a regular family who squabbled and exchanged looks which were open for interpretation.

As coffee was being served, William asked if it would be ok to be excused so he could show me around and take me to the Royal Collection rooms.

‘Ooh can I come?’ said Harry.

I think William was hoping to have me alone but realizing that Harry was keen to escape, William agreed.

As we walked through the maze of rooms, William and Harry filled me with stories from different stages of their life ‘do you remember when we saw a mouse here Baldy and we thought it had scurried up Aunty Anne’s skirt. She wouldn’t stop screaming. She kept saying ‘get the guns. I’ll take a pop at it.’

‘Less of the baldy please.'

'Do you remember when we were here with mummy, and she invented this elaborate game of hide and seek. She got most of the staff involved. It was so much fun.’

‘I’m so sorry about your mother.' I added feeling the need to mention it.

‘Thank you, Kitty. We just trying to keep talking about her when we can. Not sure how Camilla feels about it.

‘Well, I don’t really care’ said Harry who then tried to think of another story.

Harry opened a door and leaned in to switch on a light. ‘Be careful Kate, it's quite dark and there are quite a few steps through to the vault before we get to the collection.’

‘I promise you, there are only a few ghosts of beheaded wives down here.’

'Oh, stop it, William.'

Wills and Harry led me to a door and once through, we had entered the site of the royal collection. It felt quite cold, and we were greeted by a guard.

‘Your majesty’s’

‘Hello Graham. This is Catherine.’

'Hello Catherine.'

'Hello. This is truly amazing. I couldn’t stop myself from walking straight over to a huge dolls house.

‘Queens Anne’s dolls house. This is amazing. Look at the hoover.’

‘Graham, would you mind unlocking the door to the doll's house?’

‘Well as its for you two and Catherine looks like a sensible lady.’

‘Your majesty’s, I need to do a quick sweep of the floor. Do you promise to stay out of trouble?’

‘of course, Graham. You have our word.’

Graham headed off and Harry did a quick survey of the house.

‘What are you doing ginge?’ said Wills sounding worried.

‘Oh nothing, just something for the paying guests for tomorrow.’

William noticed exactly what his brother had done. He’s taken one of the butlers and corgis and set them in the royal chamber, so it looked like the butler was buggering the poor thing.’

‘Harry you absolutely cannot. Please put them both back where you found them?'

'What was it mummy said to us? You can be as naughty as you want, just don't get caught.'

'I'm not sure about that.'

'Oh no its stuck, the butler is stuck to the Corgi. I just need to yank it.'

'Don't yank anything Harry, I'm serious.'

and with that Harry tugged the butler from the Corgi but in the process the Corgi lost its head.'

'Harry. what have you done?' a familiar voice appeared in the doorway. It was Her Majesty.

Harry looked incredibly worried until she smirked and said, 'It's ok, let's blame grandpa.'