The Mix Tape

Side A, Track 1: “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by the Crash Test Dummies

“Aunt Lill, what’s this?”

My nine-year-old niece pointed to an electronic device that was unrecognizable to her, with a quizzical look on her face. It was a stereo - one that played CDs, tapes, and radio, which made it a showstopper gift in 1996.

My older sister Miranda got that stereo for Christmas when she was 13, and I imagine she would have loved explaining to little Julia how it worked. However, Miranda is not here - the only Connor sibling not to show up this weekend.

“It’s a stereo,” my brother Oliver, Julia’s dad, said from his seat on the couch.

I crossed the room to stand beside Julia. “We played CDs and tapes on it,” I explained. “There must be a box of them around here somewhere. I could show you how it works.”

Side A, Track 2: “Take A Bow” by Madonna

There were boxes everywhere - boxes and people. The family had congregated at our childhood home in Maryland to help pack up the remnants of three decades of family life. Mom had passed away two years earlier, Dad five years before her. The house had been sold; now, it needed to be emptied.

I scanned the living room, looking for the box of CDs and tapes.

Oliver sat up. “I think I saw it in the foyer,” he said. “Oy! Jonathan! Get that box of CDs and bring it up here to your aunt.”

A moment later, Julia’s sixteen-year-old brother carried exactly the box I’d been looking for into the room, trailed by my two tween sons, William and Henry. Jonathan took a deep bow after laying it down in front of me. “At your service, aunt Lill,” he said grandly, causing the twins to cackle with laughter.

There were eight grandchildren in the house and three siblings - me and my two older brothers. Of course, there were three more grandchildren and another sibling, doing their own thing across the country - but I had never expected Miranda and her children to join us this weekend. It had been twelve years since the last time we spoke.

Side A, Track 3: “Just A Girl” by No Doubt

“What the hell is a mix tape?” Jonathan asked, holding up a cassette tape and reading the label along the side.

“Oy! Language!” Oliver smacked his son lightly on the back of his head.

I laughed. It was exhausting and emotional, emptying out Mom and Dad’s house. It was impossible to do so without reliving memories, the good and the bad. I was grateful for any levity. “You really don’t know what a mix tape is?” My nephew shook his head. “Oh, boy. Where to begin?”

How did one explain such a thing to this generation? When they wanted to hear their favorite song, they looked it up on their phone or asked a voice-activated robot to play it. The hours that Miranda and I spent, just girls in the world curled up in front of that stereo, waiting for our favorite song to come on so that we could press the Record button at exactly the right moment.

Side A, Track 4: “Boombastic” by Shaggy

“It says Miranda and Lill’s Boombastic Mix Tape,” Jonathan said.

Oliver and I caught each other’s eyes and started to laugh.

“I don’t get it,” Julia said.

“It’s a song,” I explained. I held out my hand and Jonathan handed me the tape. “We should listen.”

Side A, Track 5: “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan

“You slide it in, like this.” I demonstrated for Julia. “Then you shut the tape player and press the Play button.”

I let Julia press play. The sounds of Montell Jordan filled the room.

Side A, Track 6: “6th Avenue Heartache” by the Wallflowers

My other older brother, Leonard, wandered in during the next song. He collapsed onto the loveseat across from the three-seat couch where Oliver sat. They were inseparable growing up. It was always Oliver and Leonard, and me and Miranda, the oldest and youngest, bookending the brothers.

Miranda being the oldest was part of the problem. When things went down, she thought she was right and that the rest of us should just fall in line behind her.

She couldn’t handle it when everyone fell in line behind me instead.

The last lyrics of “6th Avenue Heartache” faded, and suddenly the room filled with the ghost voices of me and my sister.

Side A, Track 7: “All I Wanna Do” by Sheryl Crow

“Wait a second - Mom, is that you?”

I nodded.

I had forgotten about this part. We would record interludes or intros to different songs.

“When is Sheryl Crow going to come on the radio?!”

“Relax, Miranda, it'll come. Look, here it is now… all I wanna doooooo-”

“Oh my goodness, ladies and gentleman, Sheryl Crow is in this house.”

The words were followed by delighted giggles. We were having the time of our lives, and our delight echoed into this room, over twenty years later.

“- over Santa Monica Boule -”

SLAM.

Side A, Track 8: “Basket Case” by Green Day

I froze, and instinctively I looked at my two older brothers.

Of course, Oliver and Leonard were both looking at me. They were watching me to see what they should do next. Because all three of us heard that noise - a sound interrupting my voice on the tape, a slam like a large body hitting a wall - and we knew exactly what it was.

Side A, Track 9: “Champagne Supernova” by Oasis

I can’t remember a time in my childhood when Dad wasn’t a drinker.

He’d go to work, come home, and get started. He drank from dinnertime until the early hours of the morning. Late at night, I would hear Mom cajoling him into bed; my bedroom was adjacent to theirs, which probably worked well when they moved into the house and I was a baby. When I got to be a big kid of seven years old, I was a light sleeper and was constantly roused by their arguments. I would creep out of my room and crawl into bed with Miranda in her room down the hall. She would barely wake up, but would make space for me and flap one arm around my back, snuggling me to her.

One morning, I came down to breakfast to find Miranda and Leonard whispering at the table. Mom poured me a bowl of cereal, ruffling my hair. She had dark circles under her eyes.

“Mom,” Miranda spoke up, “can Leonard switch rooms with Lillian?”

I looked up.

My mom looked at Leonard. “If he wants to. That okay, Lill?”

I nodded. Leonard’s room was down the hall next to Miranda’s.

“You two need to arrange it all,” my mother told my siblings. “I’ll be working late. I don’t need more to do.”

They nodded. Once Mom got busy fixing Dad’s coffee, Miranda sat beside me and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry about Leonard - he sleeps like a rock.”

He did. Leonard was always the first one asleep at sleepovers, and very little seemed to disturb his slumber.

I slept through the night regularly after that. So did Leonard.

Except the really bad nights.

Those nights, no one slept.

Side A, Track 10: “Would I Lie To You?” by Charles and Eddie

“What was that?” Julia asked.

I was trying to think of what to say, but Oliver answered immediately.

“I think that’s when your aunts were being so silly that they knocked the picture frames off the wall,” he said easily. “Isn’t that right, Lill?”

I nodded, smiling at my niece.

I was amazed at Oliver’s quick thinking, but I shouldn’t have been. When you grow up in a house with an alcoholic, you get good at coming up with cover stories.

Side B, Track 1: “Sunny Came Home” by Shawn Colvin

That sound wasn’t picture frames hitting the floor. It was Dad, stumbling down the hallway outside Miranda’s room and crashing into the wall. He knocked out two teeth that night. Mom had to take him to an emergency dentist.

After they got home that night, Miranda went to Mom and begged her to divorce Dad.

“He’s fine,” my mother told her. “He’s not dangerous.”

It was true - Dad was never mean or violent. He was just drunk, sad, and useless.

Side B, Track 2: “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman

When Miranda was 18 and left home, Leonard was 17, Oliver 16, and me 15. Miranda got an apartment near her college and said we could stay with her. By then, though, things weren’t as hard at home. Dad was still a drunk, but we were older, had friends and activities outside the house, and were used to his ways. One by one, we left home and started our own lives. I don’t think any of us thought we’d ever come back home.

Side B, Track 3: “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men

After that SLAM, we stopped making our tape for the night. We started up again a few days later. This was far from the only mix we ever made - but it was a pretty awesome one.

“The next song is -”

“Dun dun dun dah -”

“Lill, what the -”

“I’m doing an intro for you!”

“I’m doing the intro.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Let’s do it together?”

“Wait. We don’t know what the next song is yet.”

“How come you didn’t know the next song yet?” Julia asked.

“They were listening to the radio and recording what they heard, dummy,” Jonathan answered. Whack. “Dad!”

I sat down on the big couch, listening first to the voices of me and my sister, giggling hysterically and then to the opening notes of Motownphilly. My boys danced, and Julia curled up on the couch beside me.

“How come Aunt Miranda’s not here, Aunt Lill?” she asked.

I didn't reply.

Side B, Track 4: “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.

I was twenty-six years old when my mother called me and told me that Dad had liver cancer. She was overwhelmed, sobbing, and begging.

“I can’t do this on my own,” she told me. “I need help.”

“I’ll come,” I said. I didn’t know any other answer I could give.

I was driving home when Miranda called me.

“Don’t do it,” she said.

“He needs surgery,” I explained. “How’s she going to do that by herself?”

“She made her own bed, and now she’s got to lie in it,” my sister snapped.

Side B, Track 5: “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” by Deep Blue Something

I just didn’t feel the same way.

Sometimes when I was little, I’d wake early and go downstairs to find Mom crying softly. When she saw me, she’d wipe away her tears and scoop me into her lap.

She was my mom, and she needed help.

I stayed at home with them and commuted to D.C. Any anger I felt toward Dad receded when I saw how weak he was. We had some home health care, but not nearly enough for what he needed. Mom and I would lift him and bathe him and feed him. At night, I’d put on a movie and the three of us would watch together. I didn’t have any other memories of just hanging out and watching TV with my father. When he died three years later, I was glad to have those memories.

Side B, Track 6: “You Gotta Be” by Des’ree

For that first year, there were some hard days. My mom would break down at any reference to Dad’s drinking and how it might have contributed to his illness. It was heavy stuff, and sometimes I would call Miranda to vent.

It was the first time my big sister didn’t show up for me.

“You shouldn’t be doing any of this, Lill,” she’d say. “This is not your responsibility.”

“I know, but -”

“And it’s not my responsibility, either.”

Mom had done this to herself, and I guess Miranda thought that I did, too. She didn’t come home for the funeral. By the time Mom got sick a year after Dad died, I didn’t even bother to call her to tell her what was happening.

Side B, Track 7: “One Sweet Day” by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

“I know this one!” Julia squealed. The other children had wandered into the room, and Leonard’s three daughters started singing along with Julia, belting out the lyrics just as Miranda and I once had.

For my brothers, whatever resentments they may have had paled in the face of Dad’s mortality. He hadn’t been a good father, but he was their dad, and he was dying. They didn’t do what I did every day, but they helped anytime I asked, and, for possibly the first time in their lives, they ignored what Miranda wanted and followed my lead.

Side B, Track 8: “Anytime You Need A Friend” by Mariah Carey

“This must have been during their Mariah Carey phase,” Leonard said to Oliver, who nodded, rolling his eyes comically. The girls belted out the chorus while I thought about my sister.

After that first year, I stopped reaching out to Miranda regularly. We had our weddings and birthed our children, all without a word. I used my brothers as conduits when I felt she needed to be informed of something - the reading of Mom’s will, the sale of the house. This weekend. She had been invited by Leonard, but I knew she wouldn’t come.

Why was it that I couldn't listen to this song without feeling guilty?

Ceasing all contact hadn’t been my doing. I’d made attempts and been ignored.

I had nothing to feel guilty about. What was my crime? Forgiving my mother? Deciding that my dad’s debilitating illness was reason enough to excuse his misdeeds?

Side B, Track 9: “Counting Blue Cars” by Dishwalla

For some sisters, they drift apart over the years because of different interests or ways of life. For me and Miranda, it was ultimately the big things in life to that pulled us apart - questions about faith and duty and responsibility and family. I know Miranda thought I was an enabler. I couldn’t convince her otherwise. I never attempted to enlist her help with Mom and Dad.

Why did my decision to help my mother have to cost me my relationship with my sister?

“I’ve never heard this one,” Jonathan said.

“This, son, is what’s called a one hit wonder,” Oliver said. “A good one, but still - Lill!”

I’m not sure I realized I was crying until he said my name.

“Aunt Lill,” Julia said anxiously, “are you okay?” William and Henry were staring at me wide-eyed. I wasn’t normally a tearful person; this was likely the first time they’d seen me cry.

I saw Oliver shoot Jonathan a glance, and my nephew sprang into action. “Jules, can you help me make a snack for everyone?” he said, grabbing his sister’s hand. “Come on, you guys, Dad bought the good chips.” He gave me a nervous smile as he corralled his siblings and cousins out of the room, leaving me and my brothers alone as the last notes of Dishwalla’s only hit song faded away.

Side B, Track 10: “Whoomp! There It Is” by Tag Team

“Don’t talk too much, we won’t have room for more songs.”

“Did we get the one you’ve been waiting for?”

“What? We’re not waiting for any song.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, we’re just having fun. I thought you knew!”

“You guys were idiots,” Oliver said fondly. My brothers were both watching me, but I wasn’t thinking about them.

I was thinking about Jonathan - about watching him respond to a family need in an instant. He was an average teenaged boy, awkward and sometimes in need of a whack in the head.

What was it about being the oldest in a family? Did you develop instincts to protect your younger siblings? Did you get trained to do that? My parents hadn’t taught Miranda to protect us. She just - did it.

“Have either of you talked to her?” I asked, staring at the stereo.

Leonard nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Not for long. But -”

“What?”

He looked at Oliver. Clearly, they’d discussed this already.

“I know you’ve tried before,” Oliver said slowly, “and she hasn’t - wanted to talk.”

“But if you tried again,” Leonard continued. “Then - I think it’d be different.”

The juxtaposition of contemplating reunification with my sister while Tag Team played in the background was not lost on me.

“You could do it,” Oliver said. There was now a twinkle in his eyes. “Bring it back, y’all.”

“Stop,” I said without looking at him. “I can’t. I don’t even know how to -”

“I do,” Oliver said. “Julia! Come here!”

My niece ran into the room.

“C’mere,” he said, moving to the loveseat. “We’re gonna FaceTime Aunt Miranda and show her the mix tape.” Julia squealed and plopped down beside him.

“Ollie -”

He pressed a button on his phone, handed it to Julia, and came over to sit beside me.

Leonard came to sit on my other side and put an arm around me.

“You don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to,” he said. “Julia might not even let you have the phone.”

I heard Miranda’s surprised hello and Julia immediately started to tell her - about the mix tape, about us singing Mariah Carey, about the good chips.

Before I stood up to join my niece and say hello to my older sister for the first time in over a decade, I looked at my brothers. “Why didn’t anyone tell me I had two older brothers who know everything?”

Leonard laughed, and Oliver winked.

“We thought you knew,” he said.