Toby’s Mood Journal

16/07/20

Good: really hot day. Happier when the sun is shining.

Good: found a popsicle I’d forgotten at the back of freezer when putting food delivery away.

Bad: popsicle melted after I got it out and left it on the side while I hung laundry out to dry. It was my last one.

17/07/20

Bad: reading over yesterday’s entry and realizing something as innocuous as a melted popsicle can really negatively impact my mood.

Good: at least Dr Simpson will be pleased I’ve finally started this journal.

Bad: had the nightmares again.

Good: I just wanted to end an entry on a good note. Um...it’s Friday I guess?

18/07/20

Good: slept well. Went for a jog.

Bad: trod in dog dirt.

Good: now have excuse to buy the new trainers I’ve been wanting.

Good: felt better my landlord has a ‘no pets’ rule as there’s no way I’d be wanting to pick up after a dog all the time. I can’t even look after myself. So why inflict my incompetence on a living creature? Shoot…this was meant to be a ‘good’ entry.

20/07/20

Okay, so I didn’t write yesterday. But it was Sunday, and if I’m trying to give my life more structure I should do what other people normally do on Sundays – as little as possible.

Good: nice long sleep. No dreams this time, good ones or bad.

Bad: a friend text asking if I wanted to meet up. Still don’t feel ready to socialize – the virus is still out there. Felt bad that I’m so crap at being spontaneous these days. Am someone who once went to Prague by themselves on a whim. Now I feel I need at least three days of planning before visiting corner shop.

Good: realization other people are scared too. It’s all about how to accept these feelings and manage how I react to them.

21/07/20

Weekly video check in with Dr Simpson. He congratulated me for starting the journal and said it was an important step in measuring my emotions and will help me control them. I said my emotions begin juddering every time I start to write in it and an inner voice tells me off for ‘wasting time overthinking things’ when I could be working on That Book instead. But I also conceded it was nice to receive praise. He said maybe he’ll be praising That Book one day if I progress well enough to take on the demons standing in its doorway. I mean, he didn’t go on about demons and doorways, but that’s how I’ve come to see them.

Felt sad after session. Know I’m going to need many more and they really zap my energy. Wondered if I have chronic fatigue syndrome. Lost a couple of hours to looking it up online.

Felt better after pondering how counseling puts feelings under a microscope while I cooked a batch of chili. I’m chipping away at this wall of worries I’ve come up against and am looking forward to the path beyond. Also, I made a mean chili that I put in neat portions to freeze – should keep me going for days. Plus I saved money on the takeout I originally wanted.

Dr Simpson said these entries could take whatever form I liked and I should just go with the flow. So I guess this is the ‘wordy’ one.

22/07/20

Bad: woke up sweating, not from the nightmares but from the DANG HEAT.

Bad: showered, caught sight of self in mirror. Could use a haircut. Looks like a couple of possums are fighting for who gets to take what’s left of my mind. And I should lose the beer belly. Then I might actually stand a chance with women.

(This spiral continued until I convinced myself I’d die alone and unloved with hair reaching my ankles like a trellis propping up a weed of a man and never being able to see my dick again because of being pregnant with a baby Bud).

Good: got dressed. Felt better. I scrub up okay.

23/07/20

Good: I read back over the entries so far. I guess what I’ve found out is that I feel better after putting some effort in – like with the cooking, the getting dressed. So, short-term solutions (ordering takeout, going back to bed) are attractive, but things that take longer have better long-term benefits.

Bad: this entry makes me sound like an accountant.

24/07/20

Today a friend liked a post I made where I'd shared a meme about living with anxiety. Agonized over the meaning of the ‘like’ for hours. Emailed Dr Simpson whether I should go on medication as it’s NOT NORMAL to react to things like this.

He emailed back saying normal is relative and I ought to concentrate on one method at a time.

Spent rest of the evening on the sofa wondering if Dr Simpson thinks I’m incapable of multitasking.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

25/07/20

Good: feel better now it’s morning. The things I worry about seem so insurmountable at the time. Then I wake up and see how small they are.

27/07/20

Good: another hot day. Went for a walk. Saw ice cream van. Remembered untimely death of last popsicle. Decided to get one from van.

Bad: children not social distancing. Ice cream man not in full PPE.

Good: bought an ice cream cone with chocolate syrup and chopped nuts instead of boring-ass popsicle.

Bad: overheard child say to mom ‘I want ice cream!’. Mom said she’d put a banana in his rucksack and he should eat that instead.

Good: the mom got distracted and I gave the kid my cone. It feels nice to do things for others.

Lots of moods today. Overall, it was good to get out. I’m learning from the patterns in following my moodswings. Staying away from places children congregate in future will reduce my anxiety levels. Also good advice for a single dude to follow generally.

28/07/20

Video session with Dr Simpson. More praise for keeping diary. I said some days it reminds me of doing homework and I get anxious waiting for it to be marked, even though nobody is going to mark it and there’s no exam at the end.

I said about not liking how I looked and he said barbershops have reopened. That shows how little I pay attention to the news now. Really don’t have the inclination to deal with the world’s worries alongside my own atm.

Although…maybe it would help give me some perspective.

29/07/20

Good: reinstalled Twitter. Read lovely messages from acquaintances. RT’d a few hilarious videos.

Bad: also saw news. Lots and lots of news.

30/07/20

Good: managed a trip to the corner shop for essentials top-up. Resisted bottle of whiskey. Been too clean for too long. Don’t want to go down that route again.

Bad: saw local paper. SON OF MAYORESS HOSPITALISED BY ICE CREAM. Recognized banana-boy from the other day. Apparently he was allergic to nuts and went into anaphylactic shock.

Good: didn’t buy paper. Therefore stopping myself re-reading the story, contacting mayoress to confess, and ending up serving life in prison. Or worse, not allowing myself to buy ice cream ever again.

31/07/20

Bad: raining.

Good: productive day. Applied for three jobs. Dug out manuscript of That Book. Sorted groceries delivery. Remembered to re-order popsicles.