Lotus Decrees

I see you all here begging at the foot of our Great Lotus.

Lotus, Goddess of Fresh Fish from the Sea.

Lotus, Goddess of Comfort on a Cold Night.

Lotus, Goddess of the Hunt When the Hunt Involves Rather Small Animals Such as Mice or Things That Look Like Mice.

I see you all here, but only on the Feast Day of Lotus. Only on this, the day of her birth, the day when all come to worship.

But where are you the rest of the days?

Where are you when Lotus fills up her defecation box and it must be changed?

Where are you when her hair is matted and tangled and must be combed through?

Where are you when she escapes the temple and rises up into one of the trees in the Forest of Artemis and must be fetched by the Fire Guards three times in one week?

You are back at your homes.

Basking in the warmth of your hearths.

Celebrating other goddesses, perhaps?

Yet who did ask for Lotus the Goddess to grace your measly existence with her presence?

Did you not beg the priestesses here for her?

Did you not promise them that she would be your goddess and that you would look after her and care for her?

Did you not whine in a high-pitched voice saying that all the other city-states have feline goddesses and why can’t you have one and it’s so unfair and if you were to get a goddess you would love it and treasure it and pick up after it and fetch it from trees if need be?

Lies, all lies.

That is why you have been summoned here today.

The priestesses have spoken with Lotus in their special way since she would never deem you all worthy of her speech. She has consulted with the priestesses and found that until the men, women, and children of this city-state begin showing her more attention, she will no longer grace you all with a festival on her day of birth.

Instead, you will be made to sit inside your homes and consider how you had the very best goddess in all of Greece and you took her for granted. She would visit some of you at your homes and as soon as she began to spray her heavenly scent around your living quarters, you would shout things like “Bad Lotus!” and “No, Goddess!”

The ingratitude.

The audacity.

The hubris.

You were lucky she even stepped paw inside those huts you call homes. Those foul-smelling domains that would only smell sweeter if she sprayed them down with her ambrosian odor. She communicated to one of the priestesses that one of you even threw a sandal at her when she scratched up one of the chairs at his table. Whoever that man is, may his nets be pulled up empty each time he rides out in his flimsy boat. May he never know a peaceful slumber as the frigid winds blow outside his walls.

And may he never catch a mouse or anything that resembles a mouth.

So it is spoken.

Lotus decrees that you must begin bringing great gifts to the priestesses here at the temple, which will then be passed on to Lotus. Things a feline sent from the altar of Olympus would enjoy. Things like nice dresses and perfumes and golden jewelry crafted so that it may be worn at both formal and casual occasions.

You may see the priestesses wearing those dresses and that perfume and that jewelry and you may think it is for you to say that they are telling you Lotus is saying things about bringing them gifts when really they are making it up and using Lotus as a way to enrich their own lives, and to that, I and the other priestesses say to you--

SHAME!

SHAME ON YOUR SOULS!

MAY ATHENA RUN YOU DOWN IN HER CHARIOTS, Aνόητοι!

By the way, before I forget, meditation has been moved to a later hour. Those of you who still need to learn how one must temper anger and rage should rearrange their schedule if they wish to attend. Admission has also gone up from seven drachma to nine drachma. Nothing to be done about it. Costs are rising. Prices jumping. You should see what we paid for a pail of pike last month. Apollo would weep.

But I’m sure you would all agree that Lotus deserves nothing but the finest delicacies this unkind earth has to offer? What would you have us feed her? Sardines? Mackerel? Bogue mixed with anchovies and served on a little dish with the hopes that she won’t notice it’s tripe?

Surely, you are making fun.

Joke and jest as you will, but never doubt that with one glance from either eye of Lotus, your fields shall be barren. Your wombs shall be infertile. Your hair shall always look terrible and you shall say “I don’t understand how it can look so terrible when I just got it done yesterday,” but it will look terrible no matter how often you get it done.

Such is the power of Lotus. Mind her decrees.

She states that henceforth, if you find yourselves in the marketplace, and a priestess is standing behind you, you shall move over so that they may survey the fruits and wares before you do. Do not attempt to take the very last nectarine only to turn and smirk at them as though you are sorry you are taking the last one when really you are not.

LOTUS WILL SMITE!

LOTUS WILL SCRATCH!

LOTUS WILL COUGH UP HAIR UPON THY SOULS!

Leave the nectarines for the priestesses and the apricots and the cherries. That’s right, the cherries too. You heard me, Despina, you’re not the only one in the city-state who likes cherries, you know. We’re all sick of your greed, but I’m the only one brave enough to say it.

…I mean, Lotus is the only one brave enough to say it. I would never say such a thing. I feel no resentment in my heart for anyone enjoying what they enjoy as I am not meant to enjoy anything, but only to serve at the paws of Lotus.

But she’s sick of you hoarding cherries, so knock it off.

The rest of you should expect to be here every other day with your offerings. Lay them down at the foot of Lotus and then be gone so that the priestesses may take inventory and throw out whichever jewelry they think is tacky, as Lotus would not prefer to see her servants walking around in bangles that displease her.

Take heed that you have been given a second chance to win her favor, but you shall not be given a third. From this day forward, be sure and prostrate yourself to her or risk losing her attendance eternally. We were not meant to tell you this, but she has made overtures about traveling to Athens where she hears they place fabric on furniture which would allow for maximum destruction. She is intrigued. Do not risk losing her, you vlakas.

Now, will someone please empty out her defecation box? Lotus has instructed all of her priestesses to take the day off since we work so hard for her the rest of the time.

And well--

Who are we to argue?