Life, as Taught by the Metaphysical

“Okay, so if I’m getting this correctly, it’s like a game,” the boy said, spinning absentmindedly in his chair, hands folded tightly against an anxiety-riddled stomach. 

“Exactly! You,” the man replied, pinning an imaginary name-tag to the former’s breast, “are Kevin. You will be playing an 6 pound baby born to Tom and Christine Jones. They live on Walnut Street in North Dakota and…. ooh, someone’s going to have a dog! They’re a nice enough family. Now, don’t do anything too stupid when you get out there. Remember, your life depends on it. Ready?” He stepped back, ushering the newly christened Kevin onwards. 

“Wait, wait- what am I supposed to do?” Kevin asked, big doe eyes wide.

“For the first several months, nothing. Cry when you want something and let the adults handle the rest. Believe me, that’s all that you’ll be capable of doing. Eventually, things get more exciting, but you’ve got some time yet, but even then, it’s only by a little at first. If you’re lucky you’ll be sitting and crawling in a few months! Come on, get out there!” Slapping Kevin on the back, he gestured wildly at the illuminated door on the far side of the room. No one made any further movements. 

“How am I supposed to know what to do, though? No one gave me anything to read to prepare for this, it all seems so… vague and confusing,” Kevin said, shivering slightly. That absent look had returned to his face, removing years from it that he did not possess. The man ran his hand down the side of his grizzled face, the realization settling in that this was not going to be a quick assignment. It wasn’t the end of the world. He had a little bit of time. What was it going to be, just a little bit of a talking to from the boss and a little bit more yelling on the outside? Pulling up a chair, he eased into it, slightly envious of his companion’s younger physique, the knees that didn’t protest so loudly.  

“There is no manual for this kind of thing, kid. You just kind of figure it out on your own. Sometimes you know what you’re doing. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you make good decisions. Sometimes, you make really, really bad ones. There’s nothing that you can do that you won’t bounce back from if you put in the work and keep your head on straight, kid,” he said

“Why are you calling me kid?” 

“What…. what do you think that you are? Come on, let’s get you out of here.” He wasn’t looking forward to the process of removing himself from the chair. It was old, one of the ones that would rather suck you down into the cushioned recesses of itself rather than return you to the land of the ceaselessly working. 

“Not ready yet. That’s not enough information. What’s the point? Like, what am I supposed to be doing?” Kevin asked, staring at the space behind the man’s head as he fought against an inanimate object. 

“Are you asking me what’s the purpose of life?” the man grunted, giving up on his struggle and slowly sinking back down, an animal caught in quicksand.

“I guess so, yeah.”

“Kid, that’s well above my pay-grade.”

“Comforting.”

“I’m not supposed to have all the answers, and you’re sure not supposed to have any either. I’m breaking rules by telling you anything other than ‘try not to do anything too stupid’. Figure it out yourself. You’ll see what’s important to you and what’s not. Build your own meaning. I don’t know. This isn't my job. My job is to send you out that door. You know, the door that you’re not going out as long as you’re sitting here gabbing with me,” the man said, voice raising with every word. He had begun his fight with the chair in earnest once more, and it clattered angrily before releasing him. 

“What if I don’t want to go out there,” Kevin said. “I don’t like this game. It doesn’t sound like it’s fun with everyone being all mean to each other and everything, there are no rules as far as I can tell, and I just want to stay here where things make sense.” 

“If I send another one out all jaded and mad at the world, they’re going to dock my pay. There’s good in the world, too. You just have to look for it sometimes. You know, when it doesn’t want to be found. You’ll figure it out, but you can’t stay in here. It would be wonderful if we all got what we wanted all the time, but that’s the one rule that I can tell you, is that no one gets what they want all of the time. Kid, no one gets what they need half of the time. Make due with what you got,” the man said. 

“I don’t want to go.”

“No one does. Now get out of here before I get a broom.”

Kevin got up on shaky legs, stumbling towards the end of the room and his sense of security. With one last look back over his shoulder, he grabbed the door knob and twisted it hard, closing his eyes and bracing himself for whatever was on the other side. 

“Don’t do anything too stupid, kid,” the man said. He always told himself not to get too attached to them. He only ever saw them again on the other side, when they were used up husks of themselves on their return journey home, but this one was different. He hoped that there would be a good life waiting for him. 

At a small hospital in North Dakota, a small family was created. A mom, a dad, and their new son, whom they named after Christine’s father, Kevin. They laughed, he cried, his needs were met to the best of their ability, and at least for now, no one did anything too stupid.