Wed or Dead

The bullet ricocheted off Kaz’s ski sending it skimming off her foot and causing her other ski to dig into the icy slope, flipping her body into the air. A million thoughts flew through her brain, as she attempted a triple axle with broken ski routine, trying to understand exactly how she missed the fact someone was trying to kill her.  Something had been off for the whole weekend but she’d hoped it was just nerves rather than her usual intuition kicking in. In the space of a few milliseconds, or the time it took for her body to hit the snowy ground, her worst fears were confirmed. Kaz’s body slammed against the frozen floor hard and even with her snow jacket, it knocked the wind out of her. Trying desperately to inflate her lungs so she could defend herself, Kaz’s brain threw out an emergency thought that almost sent her into cardiac arrest. MISHA!!!???

Shooting up onto her knees, Kaz looked around the snowy mountain for her best friend and after surviving a number of skiers narrowly fly past her, she saw Misha pootling down the slope like a pensioner on a scooter with a nervous smile underneath her many layers of clothing. Kaz waved erratically at her friend and Misha waved back not noticing the implied urgency. Misha was travelling so slowly, she came to a halt easily in front of Kaz who she assumed had fallen over by accident. Her first assumption was it might be nerves as this weekend had been fraught ever since they arrived at the resort.

“What’s up, Kaz? Is everything alright, mate? Are you having second thoughts?” asked Misha hoping this was just one of those little wobbles she read about in “Being a Great Bridesmaid”.

Kaz shook her head and smiled back at her best friend and moved in to give her a hug. With her arms out to activate the hug the sides of Kaz’s mouth plummeted when she saw something just behind Misha that would make a snowman shudder. 

“DUCK!” cried Kaz looking around for something to defend herself with.

“Where?” asked Misha looking up at the sky oblivious to any oncoming danger. Kaz rolled her eyes at her daft friend.

“MISH, GET DOWN NOW!” screamed Kaz, adding the hand actions to indicate getting down in order to labour the point. Misha understood immediately this time, she hit the powdery iced floor with a thud. Kaz grabbed her broken ski and hurtled it at the potential assassin. It soared through the air and before it could set a new “Ski Javelin World Record”, the jagged ski connected with the throat of the mystery black ski-suited attacker and kept going until it saw daylight on the other side of their throat. The attacker’s body went limp, blood sprayed out of the newly created hole in their body and then slumped to the floor next to Misha with a fresh pool of blood gushing onto the snow.

Shivering on the ground, Misha looked up at Kaz who was breathing hard and coming to terms with what just happened.

“Errr a little help please!” asked Misha from the chilled floor. Kaz helped her get back up without slipping over. Misha could tell Kaz was having trouble breathing but she didn’t fully understand why. However when her eyes met the lifeless body slumped on the floor Misha went limp, her eyes started rolling back into her skull and she fainted in Kaz’s arms. 

A minute later Kaz had carried her friend over to the tree covered side of the mountain away from the carnage and the other skiers. It was also a good place to spot any potential threats headed their way. Propping Misha up against a tree stump, Kaz giggled at her mate making little snorty noises like she did during a usual sleep. Kaz rolled up a snowball and threw it at Misha’s stomach. It exploded on impact causing her entire body to wake up at once.

“AGGGHHH WHAT THE ACTUAL FU… Where? Dead body? You?” Misha said randomly trying to say a hundred things at once.

“Mish, take a second and then try that again.” asked Kaz, knowing her mate was struggling to compute what just happened. Misha took a deep breath and started again.

“You just killed someone, Kaz! What is going on?” asked Misha, questioning everything she knew about her oldest friend up to this point.

“I promise you Mish I don’t know! But I do need to tell you something.” 

Misha looked at Kaz’s eyes, she could see exactly where this chat was headed.

“I knew it! You’re having an affair!! That’s why you kept disappearing in the night. Knew it!” tutted Misha disappointedly.

“No Mish, it’s not that. It’s just I’m not who you think I am. I don’t know how to say this but… I’m an assassin or hit woman as some people call it. I get hired to take people out and no not like dinner. I mean kill them.” Kaz stared deep into Misha’s eyes to show her this was the absolute truth. Scrunching her face in confusion, Misha didn’t know what to think.

“You what?? Nooo, you hate the sight of blood! You’re flipping winding me up!” 

“I promise you it’s true and I’m guessing that person I just impaled must have been hired to kill me!” 

Misha looked at her friend’s eyes and saw the frostbitten fear in them telling her somehow this was true. The rest of her thawed out thoughts came out at once.

“But it’s your wedding day! We’ve spent twatting months planning this!!” said Misha, sounding somewhere between shock and frustration.

“D’ you think I don’t know that? I have no clue who’s doing this but I’m still going to marry Chris in two hours if it’s the last thing I flipping do!” said Kaz with the determination and steel her employers expect.

Misha looked at her watch to check the time as this morning’s ski was only meant to be a short breath of fresh air before they got ready for the ceremony. A crunch of nearby snow interrupted her watch check and Kaz sprang into action.

A new mystery man holding a long knife, glinting in the sub zero sunlight, had got off his skidoo nearby and was walking over to finish the assignment. Kaz grabbed one of Misha’s ski poles and began to run at him. His evil smile stayed plastered onto his face as Kaz’s flailing fierce body grew nearer and nearer. Before she could connect a punch or kick with her destination, the assassin swerved his body allowing Kaz to fly past him, then slashed her back with his long blade. She felt the sudden jolt of pain coming from her back telling her the thick ski coat had been penetrated. There was no time to check the injury, Kaz span round and hit the man with the ski pole multiple times in the face and arms. His smile was slipping but he seemed to be taking the pain well. He countered by swiping the knife towards Kaz’s wrists grazing her coat and then slicing through the screen of her smart watch.

“I just bought her that you prick!” screamed Misha from her hiding place behind a tree. He turned towards her and let out a grunt. Kaz saw her opportunity, she cracked the huge mountain of a man across the back of the legs with her ski pole sending him towards the ground into a kneeling position. Digging her nails into her broken watch Kaz pulled out the two shards of her cracked smartwatch. Holding them in either hand Kaz went in for the kill by jamming the smartwatch shards deep into her assailant’s eyes until she heard a squish and quickly jumped back before he could respond. Dropping his knife the hitman began to stagger around holding his freshly ruined blood streamed eyes. Kaz wasted no time and did the most humane thing by picking up her opponent’s machete knife and in one motion severed his head from his body. His head plopped onto the floor and the rest of his body sank into the snow adding to the percentage of blood spilled on the ski slopes in the last half an hour.

“Mish, come out it’s okay now!” said Kaz towards her friend’s obvious hiding place. Kind of difficult to be hidden when your outfit is luminous pink and yellow.

Misha still moving like she was made of jelly wobbled out from her hiding place. Partly because of her ski boots that were a size too big and partly because she still thought she was in a weird nightmare where her friend was some sort of sexy samurai. Looking at the latest dead body Misha had a suggestion.

“Couldn’t you just knock him out? Does it always have to be so violent?”

“I’m sorry Mish but letting them live never works out. They always come back for more,” said Kaz realising she had a lot to talk to Misha about when people weren’t trying to end their lives.

“I’m finding it hard to compute this but as Chief Bridesmaid I just need to get you back to the hotel in one piece. So you tell me what to do and I’ll do it because my brain is flipping shutting down right now! It’s all too much! My mate that I’ve known since I was in pre school is Joan Wick.”

Kaz smiled at her oldest and best friend, composed herself , took a look at their surroundings then smiled at something on the outskirts of the trees near the slopes. Turning to Misha, Kaz asked.

“Can you drive a skidoo?”

Two minutes later, after rifling through the storage seat in the skidoo for extra supplies, Misha and Kaz were speeding back down the mountainside slopes once more. Misha was told to try to zig zag down the hill to avoid anyone getting a clear shot so that’s what she was nervously doing. Five minutes of peace passed before Kaz looked and saw two suspicious skiers just behind them. Their status was confirmed soon after when they pulled out large machine guns to make the rest of their journey to the hotel interesting.

“Go faster!” screamed Kaz.

Misha revved the throttle and sped up as much as she could without losing control of the skidoo. Every bump in the snow was amplified but they were pulling away from the mystery skiers. Kaz carefully span around in her seat behind Misha to face the rear of the skidoo. Grabbing the object she found in the storage seat, Kaz aimed it up the slope, pulled the trigger sending a stream of bullets up the snowy hill towards both skiers. They were passing lots of other skiers so she had to be careful to avoid any accidents. The killer skiers remained unscathed so she had a new idea that was insane but it was worth trying. It wasn’t going to make Misha happy but would keep them safe for now.

“When I say stop, pull on the brakes!” shouted Kaz over the sound of the engine.

“What?! Seriously?” asked Misha thinking she misheard the instruction.

“Yes!” assured Kaz firmly.

“Okay!” Misha shook her head as she began to worry about what was about to happen.

Slowly and carefully Kaz stood up on the back of the skidoo, using Misha to balance, she positioned the machine gun carefully in front of her body and bent her legs. She left it five seconds and then…

“STOP!” ordered Kaz.

Misha slammed on the brakes, Kaz leapt high into the air aiming her machine gun at one of the skiers, pumped the grenade launcher on the base of the weapon once and fired it towards the target. Before impact Kaz switched targets, pumped the grenade launcher again and fired it at the other target. Before Kaz’s feet touched the snow both targets had exploded into a shower of fleshy fireworks and guts behind them. Misha looked round in shock at the carnage and then angrily at her friend.

“Girl, you need to get some help! This is so fucked up!”

After a few seconds of tense silence they both burst out laughing and hugged.

A funky ringtone came from Kaz’s pocket, she pulled her mobile from her damaged coat, as the wound in her back kept stinging, to answer the call. Her smile fell when she stared at the caller ID “Mickey - Bad Dad”.

Misha stared at her friend unsure why she was hesitating to answer the phone.

“What?? Answer it!” insisted Misha.

Kaz nodded at her mate but was scared what was about to happen as she hadn’t talked to her dad for months. She put the phone to her ear.

“Is this you?” asked Kaz sounding pissed off.

“Is what me? I wanted to call you ahead of the wedding.” said Mickey confused by this line of questioning.

“Dad, I’ve almost been killed four times in the last hour and I’m assuming this is either some sick present from you or the agency have turned against me! Which is it?” 

Mickey was speechless and the silence was excruciating for Kaz knowing how much danger she and her best mate was still in on this mountain.

“Honey listen I think I know who might be behind this. But I also have to give you your wedding present.” said Mickey hoping he was doing the right thing. Kaz rolled her eyes out of impatience.

“Dad, I’m halfway up a mountain and need to get back to the hotel and get ready for my wedding. Can’t it wait?”

Mickey persisted with his big reveal as he now knew this was what Kaz needed.

“Okay I’ll be brief but I think you will find this useful. It has taken me years and years but after hundred of dead ends I’ve finally found her.” Mickey’s voice faltered on the last word.

“Who are you talking about?” asked Kaz bewildered by her Dad’s shaky voice. He was usually cold as ice.

“I’ve found Mum. Your actual mother is alive and well. She wasn’t killed in that explosion, it was fake. She’s living in New York.” 

Kaz’s mind raced but the one thought that hit her like a brick was what this fresh piece of information meant for her immediate future.

“But that’s where we’re going on our honeymoon!” said Kaz upset at the implied implications.

Mickey nodded down the receiver at his daughter knowing this nugget of news already.

“I know, love! Listen, I’ll text you the details. Up to you if you want to meet her but I think she may be waiting for you. Try and enjoy the rest of your big day!” 

Kaz dropped her mobile into the snow in shock as her mind fully caught up with the revelation. Mickey’s voice could be heard faintly echoing out of the receiver. She was too busy staring at Misha trying to decide on what do next. One thing was clear, Kaz knew who sent those assassins and now it was payback and this time she would make sure her Mum’s death was permanent. Misha stared at her shellshocked friend, revved the skidoo to snap Kaz out of it as she asked.

“Where we headed?”