Waves

‘John, get me a beer!’

That was the last time I heard Andrew.

The festival had been our collective idea, one final push to save our friendship: myself, Andrew, John and Dick. We had failed! Well, not right away but just as a meteor is speeding through the stratosphere towards its impending doom, rushing in a fiery stream to the point where it would disintegrate unequivocally, so we were rushing towards our separate futures. Brightly. Hungrily. Sadly.

We were doomed and we knew it and somewhere deep down we felt relief about it.

Our paths towards Gresit had been diverse, myself and John by train and bus, Dick hitched a ride in some friend’s car and Andrew with his girlfriend by plane and car. We were supposed to come together. We were supposed to stay together, drink together, party together and be friends together. We hadn’t been able to accomplish even that.

Five hours later from the moment we all shook our hands, in Gresit, for the first time, I was taking my first steps towards a solitary future. That moment will stay with me forever, engraved in my mind and my soul. Chemically infused into every inch of my skin so that I may walk with certainty towards it… towards myself. Why?! Because this is the nature of things: to flow together and then to break apart.

Rain drops were falling all around us making the atmosphere ecstatic, charged by the energy of the crowd, the border between heaven and earth bristled with a light mist. Around me, hundreds of faces turned towards the central stage screamed in desperation, begging for the next endorphin fix. Brushing past them I can feel their souls in that single glimpse where a sliver of importance lights up on my radar. I move further along.

The rain falls all around me and my steps sink into the wet battered ground. A sucking sound is faintly heard as I flow, invisible claws trying to drag me further down into the present. I am relentless in my thirst to disengage, I carry on, each step more confident than the one before.

The crowd no longer presses around and I can get my bearings. Stuck at a crossroad of worlds I can sense the flows around me, moving relentlessly, pulling, pushing, swaying, singing and dancing, I step towards the bar where tens of people are screaming and jostling for attention. Laughter surrounds me. It feels strained here and there, sickly sweet, like a poisoned apple, but... free.

Returning to my friends feels like stepping through a looking glass, every inch filling me with energy, with desire, relaxing me, emptying me of purpose. Stepping into the small clearing bordered by stripped pajama wearing yahoos, solitude hits me like a hammer. I am now an island lacking in direction, a lagoon…

What the hell? They left without me?

Time freezes in place and something cold creeps up my spine. How is this possible? Why? What did I do to deserve this? What do I do now? Do I wait here? What does this say about me? How could they do this? They’ll be back, right? What do I do?

Seconds pass and an awkwardness settles into my bones. I feel out of place, adrift in a welded sea of people. I take a sip of beer. I take another, and then another. I have three beers in my hands and it’s making it uncomfortable for me to dance. I down mine in a fluid motion and I turn on my heels looking for a trashcan. The crowd presses around me, the rhythm of their life swelling ever inward. I remember that I can stack the beer glasses, so I do so jerkily. I can dance now, I think.

The slinking awkwardness does not go away, but gnaws at my guts. I feel four years old in front of my apartment building waiting for my dad to return. I dance and I decide I’m not going to be able to do it while holding two glasses of beer. I down the second one as well in frustration.

Energy flows all around me, like the tide, it pulls and pushes at me and I sway to it reluctantly. The press intensifies and I lose my sense of self within the crowd. I have been washed away of doubt and, as I give a final gasp, I can hear the bass guitar pulling at the cords of my heard. Anger fills me now. Anger and betrayal. I am brimming with it. I am chocking on it and as I sway, muscles and tendons start pulling me left and right.

My heart wakes and screams boiling my blood towards a point of no return.

This damn beer is starting to piss me off!

Down goes the third one and the crumpling glasses releases some of the tension. Beer droplets spray my face and hands, they are swiftly swept away by the ever falling rain. I wipe my face and turn on my heels.

I need to find a trashcan!

Each step feels lighter and by the time I reach IT, I am practically running, chased by the perpetual sloshing sound of my sinking boots. I feel winded and just like a cornered animal, the present moment floods me with adrenaline. I feel everything and everyone. I turn left in search of a gravel path I saw in the light of day and I continue down it.

The path leads downhill and in my decent I can sense pockets of euphoria intermingling and clashing, vibes passing me up and down: inflated bananas jumping around, colorful balloons floating while attached to a string, Winnie the Poo and a Velociraptor dancing frenetically, laughter, always more laughter. The rush was drowning me, I had to run, to chase away this feeling, to hide. I had to do something. Anything!

Step by step the bass guitar succumbs to a scrapping sound accompanying a heavy four-beat drum rhythm coming from further down hill. The atmosphere was mellowing out and with it I was able to hear the beats of my heart once more. They had taken over my body and were revolting against my meager power.

Having regained my thoughts, I stop and step to the side of the path. The muddy ground claws at me again and I almost stumble backwards in a bush.

“Damn this!”

Laughter erupts around as a group of scantly dressed girls pass by. The rain was making the transparent raincoats stick to their skin betraying their shapely perky youth. I felt the blood rush to my face and my eyes drift from girl to girl searchingly. They laugh some more and were soon lost in a frantic group going uphill.

Pulling my boots from the earths embrace I go to lean against a poplar at the edge of the grove. From beyond the trees, more laughter could be heard. I knew there was a lake there with beanbags and a bar.

I caught my breath for the first time in the past half-hour and doing so I notice the stage in front of me. Beyond the constant back and forth of people, something wonderous is taking place. Lost in trance, a dozen people were dancing in a wide circle. As I stared, their movements begin to blur under the heavy wide flow of their bodies. It seemed as if they had fallen under the same spell and were no longer individuals, circling, jumping, twisting and turning, the sight becomes hypnotic.

A cold spell rattles my very being and I pull myself away from the scene unable to bear it any longer. I had to drink something harder or else I would be done for. I ponder upon negotiating my journey through the grove, but decide against it. The light is scant and the sureness of my steps had left me a while back.

The throngs embraced me one more and a flurry of faces bathe me in their search.

What are they looking for? What am I looking for?!

By the time I reach the bar by the lake, the raining had stopped. A path of wooden logs had guided my steps here and once safely positioned in its warm embrace I take in the view. Among the trees the beanbags had been pulled further under the canopy and hushed chill conversations was coming from allover. Somewhere to the right a steady stream of stragglers makes its way under my gaze, their need fulfilled, they are shortly swallowed up by the forest to the left. What was pulling them there? I could see specks of light here and there, but nothing certain. The stream flows on.

A rum and coke in my hand I decide to face my fears and follow the path left. At first the darkness enveloped me completely and all I can do is to hang on to the rope path. The accidental bumps with the odd person coming down it bade me continue. Their eyes looks strange. Darkness becomes blinding and I suddenly find myself in a clearing crisscrossed by elevated pathways. Each way I turn, small bulbs of light are illuminating the scene.

I had entered a forest within the forest. The faces here were calmer, more pleasant, inviting even. I step further into the tale. Nicks and crannies could be seen everywhere and everywhere the soft hum of intimacy was reverberating lazily. Jealousy sinks its teeth deep within me and try as I might it does not let go. The feeling drives me mad. Intimacy beckoned and its absence hurt. The world spins and my stomach churns.

I am alone!

I am alone. As if a spell had suddenly broken I feel the call of nature and hurry upwards towards the sound of music. I find what I am seeking and relief washes over me.

I need another drink!

The vibe was smooth and just as smooth warmth flows through me sip by gentle sip, I become one with the forest. Everywhere I turn, glorious light washes over me and as it does I can feel something waking up. Intimacy! The place was engulfed in it and the more I stay here, the easier it becomes. Smiles were shinning everywhere under the upbeat rhythm and although inviting, we all stand our ground. Intimacy!

Remembering I had a phone, I check it, but the screen would not turn on. It had lost its power along the way. I look around to see a clock strike 00:00 and as it does a weariness begins to consume me. I crawl into the first hammock I find to be empty and allow the sway to wrap around me. The world carried on in a comforting way.

How could they leave like that? All of them! We’d been friends for so long, six-seven years, more than that, and they just left. I feel so sad… Actually, I can’t feel anything anymore. Why is that? I feel… numb. Is it pain, or is it a form of having gotten used to it all. Pffff, now that’s sad. And shitty to think about.

I can’t sit here any longer, I need to go!

The other end of the path led further deeper into the forest, following it would lead me along a path similar to the one I had used to get in. Passing by, I recognize the look on the people’s faces, the craving desire that had pulled me there as well. I felt sorry for them.

Each step brings me closer to civilization. Each step drowns me in endless beats and noise. Each step brings life back into my veins… warmth… closure. The food court inundates my view, prismatic, enticing, welcoming and relentless. It would have its pound of flesh whichever way you went and my stomach agrees with it.

While scanning the vendors, my sight falls upon Andrew and his girlfriend Mara, further down John and Dick were chatting vigorously over a beer…

Seconds pass and at they do the mob falls around them, hiding them from my sight. From the left, a loud boom introduces one of the bands I had been dying to catch that night.

I don’t feel so hungry anymore. I decide.

And, as I do, I felt satisfied.