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Fiction Funny

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“Jamie! Call on line one!”

“Hello?”

“Can I talk to Jamie Trembly, please?”

“This is he.”

“Hi, this is Norman Wainwright. I’m the pharmacist at Chesterfield Pharmacy & Retail. How are you doing today?”

“I’m fine. Is there a reason you’re calling me?”

“Yes, we think there might have been a mix up.”

“A mix-up. What kind of mix-up?”

“You were recently diagnosed with gout, where you not?”

“I was.”

“Are you taking colchicine?”

“Hold on, let me check… Yeah, colchicine, why?”

“I was afraid of that. We got your prescription mixed-up with Jamie Bramley’s, another customer of ours. I’m afraid you’ve been taking her estrogen pills.”

“I’ve been what?”

“Yeah, the foot still hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you been feeling more sensitive lately, more emotional?”

“You know, people have been hurting my feelings more here lately.”

“That’s going to happen. Check your breasts. Do they feel bigger, a little sensitive?”

“They are a little sensitive and I think I am starting to get man-titties.”

“Okay… I need you to check your testicles. If they have shrunk, we might be in trouble here.”

“I noticed they looked smaller last night, when I was in the shower. What does that mean?”

“Oh man, erectile dysfunction is next. Look, Mr. Trembly, I’m really sorry about this. I’ll mail you a coupon for twenty percent off anything in the store.”

“I don’t want your stupid coupon. I want my manhood back!”

“I’m sorry. What is done, is done.”

“I want to talk to your boss.”

“Hold on. I’ll get the owner.”

“Burt Stone speaking, how can I help you.”

“Your pharmacist filled the wrong prescription. I’ve been taking estrogen and now I’m turning into a woman!”

“Sir, calm down. I assure you that you are not turning into a woman. You can still identify as a man if you so choose.”

“Are you kidding me? My breasts are growing, my boys are shrinking, and none of it works, all because your pharmacist screwed up! I want to know what you are going to do about it?”

“I can mail you a coupon for twenty percent off anything in the store.”

“What is wrong with you guys? What is with you and your damn coupons? Isn’t there some pill that can fix this?”

“Not that we know of. Besides, you would need a doctor to write you a prescription before we fill you any medications.”

“That’s it, I’m calling my lawyer! You’re so getting sued!”

“Go ahead, but it won’t do you any good. You know that keypad you sign? Yeah, you agree to clear us from any responsibility if there is a mistake when you do that. You don’t read the fine print, do you?”

“Of course not! Who does?”

“Look, we’ll fill the right prescription at no charge, you get the twenty percent off coupon, and you won’t need to shave as much. It’s not a bad deal. But do you want to know what the really good news is?”

“There’s good news?”

“Yes, there is. This is Pete and Tom in the Morning, the radio show, and you’re on a segment called Get the Ghost. When you ghost a date, they email us and ask us to prank you to get even for ghosting them. Angela is on the other line and would like to speak with you.”

“Oh god, so what’s the deal with my medication?”

“Your medication is fine. Angela, say hello.”

“Hi Jamie.”

“Hey Angela. So, this is how you get in touch with me?”

“You haven’t been answering my calls or texts. You said you’d call me after our date?”

“So, you thought humiliating me on the radio was the best way to secure that second date?”

“Well, everything was going fine, then poof, no word. At the very least, you owe me an explanation as to what I did wrong?”

“I told you; I have gout.”

“You had gout when you took me out. Your fingers still work. You could have at least replied and said you didn’t feel like talking. Apparently, you’re feeling better. You’re back at work.”

“You’re not my first priority, Angela.”

“I understand that, but some common courtesy would have been nice.”

“Jamie, did you have a good time with Angela on your date?”

“Okay, I was trying to be nice, but no, I did not. Angela, you talk too much.”

“Oh, excuse me for keeping the conversation going!”

“Conversations require two or more people, Angela. It was just you yammering. You couldn’t stick to one topic long enough for me to respond to anything. You’re like a squirrel with ADHD on crack.”

“I’ll let you know that most people find my personality fun and adorable.”

“Well, I saw it as a sign that you might be crazy, and low and behold, here I am arguing with you on the radio.”

“Ha, ha, ha, and now the world knows you have tiny balls.”

“It was a cold shower.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And who brings a ferret on a date?”

“Angela, you brought your ferret on the date?”

“He’s an emotional support animal and he’s like family.”

“I couldn’t tell if you were talking to me or that rat half the time.”

“Ferrets aren’t rats.”

“I don’t care what they are, you don’t take them into restaurants and feed them on the table.”

“Ferris wasn’t bothering you. So, I snuck him a few vegetables. Big deal. If you were having such a horrible time, why didn’t you just end the date instead of coming home with me?”

"Do you I have to spell it out for you?"

"No, tiny, I think I got the picture!"

“Jamie? Jamie, are you there? It sounds like Jamie hung up. There you have it, Angela. You got the ghost and found out why he ghosted you.”

“Thanks, guys, that was a lot of fun.”

“Well, I hope Angela feels justice was served.”

“Yeah, it sounds like Jamie was only after one thing.”

“It’s a shame he led her on like that.”

“Have you ever heard of an emotional support ferret, Pete?”

“I can’t say that I have, but they are fun little pets.”

“You’re my emotional support ferret, Pete.”

“And with that, here’s a message from our sponsor.”

December 09, 2024 07:49

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21 comments

00:48 Dec 21, 2024

Such a laugh. As for the estrogen, he would have come right if he had stopped taking it!! It was a hoax—what a nasty one. It was still a real funny story, especially once Angela entered the conversation. 'A squirrel with ADHD on crack.' Hilarious.

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Geertje H
03:06 Dec 16, 2024

Very funny. :-)

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Tommy Goround
10:18 Dec 15, 2024

Rec list. Sweet.

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Daniel Rogers
02:32 Dec 15, 2024

"Twenty percent off" 🤣 Even after I knew (spoiler alert) it was all a prank, I continued to laugh. Very funny story. I knew who was talking the entire time - without dialogue tags. Great job.

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Mary Butler
13:14 Dec 14, 2024

The line, “My breasts are growing, my boys are shrinking, and none of it works, all because your pharmacist screwed up!” really hit me—it perfectly captures the absurdity and escalating panic of the situation in a way that had me laughing out loud. I love how you managed to balance the humor with an undercurrent of sharp commentary about how systems (and people) can fail us in bizarre ways. The twist with the prank call was a fantastic payoff that kept the story light yet impactful. Great story! Your writing is sharp, entertaining, and full...

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11:08 Dec 13, 2024

A medicine mixup was a hilarious setup for a comedy. Why didn't i think of that? An emotional support ferret haha. I had a ferret for a while, they are cut but high maintaince!

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Marty B
05:03 Dec 12, 2024

That would be a great radio show. And I need an emotional support ferret!

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Ghost Writer
05:47 Dec 12, 2024

Who wouldn't want an emotional support ferret? Thanks for reading Marty!

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Cassie Finch
09:53 Jan 08, 2025

Put me down for two.

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Charis Keith
03:05 Dec 11, 2024

Ha. Poor dude.

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Trudy Jas
15:01 Dec 10, 2024

Do you have the number of that show? Hilarious!

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Esther Ruth Ezra
09:10 Dec 10, 2024

Loved it. Was hilarious

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Mary Bendickson
21:49 Dec 09, 2024

😅

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Alexis Araneta
17:53 Dec 09, 2024

Hahahaha ! Fun read, this one ! Great work !

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Cassie Finch
09:54 Jan 08, 2025

Witty. I love it.

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Helen A Howard
10:39 Dec 19, 2024

Very funny story. Great dialogue. Well done 👍

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Shirley Medhurst
21:40 Dec 17, 2024

🤣😆🤣 This was absolutely hilarious! 🤣 You piqued my interest right at the start - & kept me giggling through the medication mess-up - then all the way through the radio prank to the end. Funniest tale I’ve read for quite some time, BRAVO 👏

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Ghost Writer
22:15 Dec 17, 2024

Thank you, Shirley. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Viga Boland
16:10 Dec 17, 2024

This is hilarious. Absolutely loved it. Wish more writers in here tackled humour and dialogue as you have. Keep up the good work. Am adding you to my “following” list. Only one catch: I want more like this pretty please 😉😂

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Ghost Writer
21:07 Dec 17, 2024

Viga - Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun writing this one and would like to do more, but I kind of go where the prompts take me. Hopefully they lead me back to something like this soon.

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Viga Boland
21:45 Dec 17, 2024

I hope so too. But I get it 😉

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