Things Adults Say (That Don't Make Sense) As overheard, misunderstood, and overthinked by me, age 11¾

Have you ever noticed adults love to talk? Half the time, they’re not saying anything that makes sense. The other half, it’s just them trying to shut you up without even answering you. Lucky for you, I hear everything—and I mean everything. Just keep reading and you’ll see what I mean, I’ve cracked the parent clap-back code.

Here’s the lingo. Trust me when I say, this information will make your life easier once you understand what parents are really saying versus what they actually mean. Don’t let them we know because they might change it or something.

Just be careful with this information and make sure you don’t let it fall into the wrong hands.

1. “Because I said so.”

An all-time classic. This is what parents throw at you when they’re tired or cornered and don’t wanna admit you’re right. I asked once why I couldn’t wear mismatched shoes to school. That’s what I got. No explanation. Just power. Pure, control-fueled, power. Just “Because I said so,” like that’s a full sentence. Mr. Wallis would be so disappointed, you never start a sentence with because. Everyone learned this.

2. “We’ll see.”

No, we won’t. We never see. We never saw. If someone tells you “We’ll see,” just go ahead and grieve whatever it was you asked for or whatever thought was in your brain. It’s not happening. Do not pass go, or collect $200, just go straight to your room and jump on Fortnite. Move on to better things, attainable things. Comedy. They tell us not to lie.

3. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

Okay, cool, but I wasn’t asking for Gucci slides. I just wanted cereal that didn’t taste like cardboard and sand. Also, side note—if money did grow on trees, I bet they’d still yell at us for picking it off the tree “wrong.” Don’t even get me started on them pulling money out of their butt. Do they actually think we believe money comes out of their poop shoot? Come on, I’m 11¾, I’m no dummy.

4. “Go play outside.”

This is said by the same people who will lock the door behind us like we are a stray cat. Look, I’m not anti-outside, but it’s either 105 degrees, there’s a wasp out there, or some kid named Bradley is waiting to hit me with a Nerf bat until I’m curled up in a ball on the ground. You go outside, Sharon.

5. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

I asked why Grandma called her fourth husband “what’s-his-name” and why Aunt Lisa has a friend named Renee that she “can’t legally marry yet,” and suddenly I’m too young to know things? I know long division. Yeah, okay. Everybody is fine with talking in front of me until I start asking the right questions, then nothin’.

6. “That builds character.”

Stub your toe? Builds character. Get blamed for something your brother did? Builds character. Lose your favorite hoodie and then cry about it? You guessed it—builds that character! Honestly, I’m one more “character-building” moment away from turning into a Marvel villain. My villain arc is going to be because of my parents. I can already see it.

7. “Use your inside voice.”

They yell this one every time, which is hilarious. I whisper in the library, and I get a gold star, but the second I laugh in the living room? “INSIDE VOICE!” Meanwhile, they’re watching a show at volume 73, yelling across the house like it’s an Olympic event, and vacuuming.

8. “Maybe later.”

Cool, so… never? Just say never. Don’t give me hope, then act shocked when I ask again in 20 minutes. You said, “Maybe later.” I heard, “Absolutely yes, right after you do the dishes.” My bad, bruh. Chill. If you said never in the first place, we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.

9. “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”

Lies. Lies. Sprinkled with a little bit of LIES. They are not the ones crying with no Wi-Fi. They are not the ones whose Roblox account just got deleted. They didn’t lose a 426-day streak. If this hurts you so bad, why are you handling this so well? You look like you might be enjoying this. They stand there with that look of satisfaction on their face, waiting to see if we’ll break or if we’ll react. You’ll get nothing from me. I know you’re real mad, but don’t make things worse. Just sit on your bed and scowl at them.

10. “Don’t grow up too fast.”

This one gets weird because if I act like a kid, they say I’m being dramatic or immature. If I act grown, I’m “too big for my britches.” It’s like a trap either way. I’m just trying to exist here. I don’t know what they want from us. For people who tell us what to do, they are real bad at telling us what they want from us.

11. “I’m proud of you.”

They don’t say it a lot, but when they do, it hits. Not even a big speech, just that little “I’m proud of you” on a sticky note in your lunchbox or a hug in the hallway after a bad day at school. That’s when suddenly you’re like okay, I can do this.

So yeah, adults.

Don’t get me wrong, every now and then they say something that sticks. Not because it’s deep or wise or anything, but because it feels real. You know they mean it. Like maybe they see you, even if last Tuesday they made you eat cold spaghetti and go to bed while it was still light outside.

I guess when I’m older, I’ll say all this stuff, too, but I swear, I’ll mean it when I say, “I’m proud of you.” I’ll try real hard not to say “maybe later” unless I really, really mean maybe later.

No promises, though. I’ll probably say, “because I said so.” I feel like these things will hit different when we’re the ones saying them.