DYI Zombie Killer!

(Write a post-apocalyptic story that features zombies.)

Today the headline read, “Social Media is full of unsubstantiated reports of Zombie sightings! The news has gone viral and soft focus blurry videos have flooded all platforms!”

Wowser! Do I need to worry?

Today I discovered that I am unique among my modern generation in that I have no idea what a “Zombie” really is. I had a vague thought that any mindless creature might be a zombie but then I went to do some research.

Wow, what an eye opener when I googled zombies! I had no idea! They have very defined and specific characteristics. I’m currently examining all of my friends and neighbors to see if any are zombies.

“They are slow moving!“

Hmm? Let’s see. Mr. George, our neighbor to the south, is slow moving but he has been our neighbor for years. I don’t think he is a zombie.

“Do not eat each other, they live on live flesh.“

Well that eliminates Mrs. Riley, our neighbor to the north, she’s a loud and demonstrative vegetarian, always trying to push her agenda on everyone else. She is for sure not a Zombie.

“Don’t swim but can remain underwater for long periods.”

I can eliminate myself and four of my friends as we love to swim, often racing one another out to the floating raft, we are definitely not Zombies!

But, hmm? My husband says he can swim but I have never seen him in water deeper than his knees except the time our sons tipped over the canoe, we all laughed except my husband and he went into total panic. Hmm? Maybe he is a Zombie!

I begin to see that this can be a long drawn out process, to screen everyone I know or who lives nearby. Unless they can be identified on sight or by smell or even taste, I must read on. I need to know more.

Ye Gods, Read this…..

“A zombie, according to pop culture and folklore, is usually either a reawakened corpse with a ravenous appetite or someone bitten by another zombie infected with a “zombie virus.” Zombies are usually portrayed as strong but robotic beings with rotting flesh. Their only mission is to feed.”

Got that bit off a search engine. Another bit about the origins of Zombies is in Haiti. Ancient times. Bad vibes. Evil…….Yikes!

Ok that is really helpful.  

I sit here on my porch steps, on my busy street and watch the people pass by.  

I see no one with rotting flesh. Imagine the smell….it must be a “dead” giveaway!

Maybe this whole rumor that there are Zombies about and we need to be vigilant and protect ourselves is just scare tactics to keep the folks in line, the sheep quiet and paying taxes and just shutting up.

I have no idea but I plan to talk with some neighborhood kids. They seem to know all about zombies, vampires, aliens and the like. They seem to have no idea about how to express real emotion or have any real empathy but they sure know about violent evil.

It would seem to me, if I’m getting the gist of this, we should be able to recognize one on sight. And if there are questions, the rotting flesh smell should cinch the deal.  

Then just KILL IT!

Hmmm? I wonder how you kill one?

After I check out everyone I can see in the library, to be sure there are no apparent zombies, I find dusty books full of lore, and new books full of movie and TV plots and scenarios involving these slow stinky creatures.   

I filter the information into brief headings.  

HOW TO KILL ZOMBIES,

“Decapitation.“

You must destroy their brains. The surest way is simply cutting off the total head with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword. You must be thorough, anything less than 100 percent severance just isn't good enough.

“Bludgeoning.“

A blunt object, for example, a baseball bat to a brick, used with suitable force to the cranium will destroy the brain. But be careful you must get up close and personal for this to be effective.

“Burning.“

Or try burning! The next best thing is a Molotov cocktail--just make sure the zombies are far enough away so they'll be reduced to ashes before they can shamble after you.

“Exploding.“

A solid technique, but one that requires explosives in one form or another. Make your way to a military storehouse or a morally dubious pawn shop and acquire a rocket launcher. Then shoot, load, and give it a second hit to make sure.

~~~~~

Ok now, I feel well armed with information and so I collect my weapons to do my civic duty.

I am a female type person so I needed to decide on how to arm myself. Chainsaw would be too heavy and bulky, but a machete felt really good.  

Next I loaded four bricks into my backpack. I hoped to drop the bricks down from above them or heave the bricks from a safe distance. Not close to the smell.

Also in my backpack a sealed water bottle full of petrol, and some strips of old rags shirts. My lighter and matches to be sure I could get ignition.

And finally, I was disappointed I could not manage a rocket launcher but I did pack five railroad flares and a cylinder of gas with a weed burner attached. I doubt the latter would work but the flares burn long and very very hot. Can you imagine the smell of burning rotting flesh?

~~~~~

It was a little past midnight and I was deep in sleep when a racket began in the alley behind my home. Knuckling the sleep out of my eyes and grabbing my backpack and machete I charged down the back terrace and into the common area. Fog had rolled in and visibility was poor but I charged in swinging. I was hoping not to need the fire. There was screaming and screeching and otherworldly noises and when I was done, Mrs. Riley’s tabby cat and Mr.George’s big tomcat lay dead in the bushes. OMG, what have I done? It is the fault of social media! Holy Crap! I love animals, I think Zombies are not the only monsters out and about tonight.