21 comments

Adventure Drama Mystery

It all started the evening Veronica returned to her high-class penthouse. "Andre, please carry my Chanel shoes and the other bags into my room," politely requested the only Walter daughter. "Sure, Miss Veronica!" Veronica was a classy girl back from New Jersey who had just settled in her parent's hometown, Waretown. It was a small, constrained town known to be innocent but had hidden mysteries to never be told.

Veronica, a protective, young black-haired and black-eyed girl was always in a mood of partying. She had just come back from shopping and dinner with her best friend, Natalie. Well, well, well...Natalie Parker was an envious lady. Yes, lady. To remain between you and me- Natalie wasn't sixteen as everyone believed. She was a vicious businesswoman, aged twenty-seven. Back to Veronica, she was a mean girl in New Jersey that everyone detested but soon enough had decided to take a new start, in the town of sins, Waretown. She was tired of all the rushing around that they had done. She wore a white tank top with denim shorts. Since it was snowing, she had put on a leather coat as well, gifted by her dad. 

Oh, gifts. Her dad gifted her every time he sinned. He had just returned from jail because of all the illegal money he owned, though he called it 'Smart Business.' As usual, she removed her heels, went past her grand living room, their humungous diner, and to her room before she heard mutters from her father's study, an isolated place where she has forbidden to enter. Only her mom, her dad of course and not to forget some overwhelmed charitable trust men. Yeah, shocking isn't it? The Walters and charity? Like a fish on land...

A woman said, "Oh no. We cannot buy the Parkers this early. If anyone figures we bought the oldest chain of restaurants for our industry, it will be in the papers by tomorrow morning." Then her dad said, "Yes that is right. Another problem is my daughter, Veronica. Her name is there on every other document of the Walter Industries. She has an equal share of everything and deserves to know the deals signed, according to the law. But you know her, we cannot afford to tell her, she will probably rebel against it since her friend, Natalie, the Parker's youngest daughter is all she needs to survive." Some of us might think that her dad being so obnoxious for business was something fishy and worthy of fury. But that wasn't what was concerning dear Veronica. It was the phrase, "The Parker's youngest daughter..." She had known Natalie since they learned to speak but she never knew Natalie had an elder sister or rather sisters. 

She quietly returned to her bedroom and slammed the door shut. Right, their penthouse was huge, so not a sound could be heard. She texted Natalie:

Veronica: Hey...Wassup? Can I ask you something?

Natalie: Hii! Nothing much...ask.

Veronica: Look, you being my bestie- I am going to say it directly.

Natalie: Umm okay...Get to the point, Veronica. 

Veronica: Yeah, so you have an elder sis?

Natalie: WAIT- How do you know?!

Veronica: That isn't the point!

Natalie: Look I don't know how you know but knowing about my sister has just made things weird and complicated. Veronica, best if we distance out from each other. Bye...Love, Natalie!

Veronica: WHAT?!?! You cannot back-off like this...common, I told you. You have got to tell me NOW, Natalie...

Veronica: Fine I will just say it. I overheard my dad talking in his study with some people from his company.

Natalie did not reply. In school, they didn't talk and both their parents were enthusiasts about them not being friends anymore. So, Veronica just straight up asked her parents. Returning home at seven in the evening, she found her father in the dining room, staring at the chandelier. "Darling, this is very disrespectful." Veronica had had her dad's Mimosa, not on purpose of course. "Just kidding girl," her dad chuckled. She fake-smiled. She gathered her parents and started off- "In the Walter Industries, I have an equal share and I get to take an active role in the business. I want to know everything, be part of every meeting. Only one thing- I won't do anything illegal." Her parents agreed and told her about buying the chain of restaurants, best-known for friendly, warm evenings. The town had feelings attached to the cafe but it wasn't going to stay anymore. 

But her goal wasn't yet sufficed. She wanted to know about the Parkers. She thought she might find anything in the basement, specifically papers. So there she went. Paperwork was there but nothing related to the Parkers, only the Apple Farms, owned by the Riveras, the richest dealers of Waretown. She came across a photo frame which was left aside as if never to be considered. She saw three men in the photo, seemed like they went for hunting. But well, it was a very old photo. One was her great-grandfather, she could identify. Another was Natalie's as she knew. The last one...

Spiky red hair. The only family in the town who had red hair was the Riveras. Oh, how she hated that family. Everyone seemed so stubborn and vicious. Especially because of the girl, Tesse. Tesse was this mean girl, a dancer who had style but no confidence. She wanted everyone to fear her, just because she had unimportant papers which she called money. But why the three of the men together??

Veronica was quite a direct girl and went to her dad and asked her. Her dad was a little conscious bringing it up but soon claimed, "Veronica, all the three ancestors were businessmen at the Apple Farm. But the Riveras ditched us all..." Veronica didn't say anything, as if waiting to hear more. "Veronica, you aren't a Walter, you are a Rivera. After the huge fight, everyone changed their surnames and that is partially the reason why we avoid these families...that is probably the reason Natalie doesn't talk to you, because her sister, who not many people know, went for justice against the Riveras to get the business back and ended up getting shot."

Her dad trailed off but before long, Veronica was in her room, in dread. She had no option but to text her last hope, Mila. Mila was her best friend too and she said, "Hey, can you keep a secret?"

August 14, 2020 18:01

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21 comments

Charles Stucker
05:13 Aug 30, 2020

I don't like to mention length on Reedsy, but this feels like you skimped description as soon as you got minimum word count. When you wrote, "Natalie did not reply. In school, they didn't talk and both their parents were enthusiasts about them not being friends anymore." you had the potential for a full scene or three, but left it out. The same happens for "Her dad gifted her every time he sinned" when a flashback scene with a thought backward would do so much more to show what you meant, which would bring the story to life. Some stories ...

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Maahi Shah
06:23 Aug 30, 2020

Thank you for your detailed and criticized feedback! I will keep these points in mind. Actually, I am a 13-year-old and have written it in an hour or so. Considering that, I think it was okay!

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Charles Stucker
06:34 Aug 30, 2020

I admit, I tend to spend far more time on my pieces. For an hour this was fine. When you want to sell professionally all you have to do is decide to spend that extra time.

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Maahi Shah
07:02 Aug 30, 2020

Yes, agreed!

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Rebecca Lee
03:44 Aug 30, 2020

That was agood one, and liked it all.. I thought I saw some stuff to tell you about - corrections but when I went back and looked - didn't find them. Bravo! Hey would you come read and comment on some of my stories? The Story of Cecil Greene and The Will No One Would Like?

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Maahi Shah
03:47 Aug 30, 2020

Thank you so much :) Will surely read yours!

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Maya W.
17:07 Aug 29, 2020

Nice story! I really enjoyed the dialogue between all the characters. One thing I'd say is that it was a little bit confusing for me. It took me a while to fully understand everything, but once I did, I loved it! Keep on writing!

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Maahi Shah
03:45 Aug 30, 2020

Firstly, thank you for giving me feedback and I am glad you savoured my story! Because for a writer, feedback is the best gift they can get! Considering your point of finding it confusing, I will definitely try and make other stories to the point...will also ask a third person to read it and see before posting!

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Maya W.
13:05 Aug 30, 2020

Alright, sounds like a plan!

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Maahi Shah
13:23 Aug 30, 2020

Definitely! Thanks to all the feedback- yours as well as others!

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Maya W.
13:34 Aug 30, 2020

No problem! Would you mind giving me some feedback, too? I just released a new story that I'm feeling eh about.

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Maahi Shah
13:38 Aug 30, 2020

Lol sure! Would love to...Give me a few days time and I will get back to you!

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B. W.
16:49 Aug 29, 2020

I enjoyed this story all i have to really say is that you should keep making great stories as you've only made 2 so far. so guess what i'm going to give you for this story? a 10/10

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Maahi Shah
16:56 Aug 29, 2020

Oh my god! Thank you soooo much! It means a lot :)

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B. W.
16:59 Aug 29, 2020

No problem i was also wondering if you could maybe go and check out "The camp" and "not his fault" i'd like to see what you have to say for those two

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Maahi Shah
17:01 Aug 29, 2020

Oh yes sure! I will check it out by this weekend!

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B. W.
17:07 Aug 29, 2020

alright thanks ^^

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Keerththan 😀
10:03 Aug 22, 2020

Wonderful story. Well written. The flow was beautiful. Nice job. Next time, keep a dialogue to a line. Don't mix it between paragraphs. It will become a little confusing. But it didn't stop me from enjoying your story. Keep writing. Would you mind reading my new story "Secrets don't remain buried?"

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Maahi Shah
10:21 Aug 22, 2020

Thank you so much for your appreciation! Will keep in mind the dialogue bit. And sure, I will read your story.

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Maahi Shah
18:01 Aug 14, 2020

What do you guys think about the story?! Please comment :)

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