The Chaos of One Key

My fingers curl around the pen painfully, the joints popping as I write. Despite the discomfort, I am the happiest I have ever been in a while. I’m ecstatic, actually. Not many people can say that when they’re writing their own will while resting on their deathbed. 

A cough wracks through my body and I pull my hand away from the paper before I make any unwanted marks. Through the sound of my coughing, I hear the telltale tap, tap, tap of Jeremy’s polished cordovan shoes upon the marble floors outside my door. 

“Sir, are you-”, Jeremy begins, but I wave a hand at him, dismissing his efforts as I calm my pounding heart.

“Yes, Jeremy, I am quite alright, thank you,” I look back down at the will, Jeremy’s silence as heavy as my breathing until he finally walks away, closing the heavy oak doors behind him. I sigh and lean back against the downy pillows Jeremy had arranged so I could write in the comfort of my bed. Holding the papers to my face, I read my masterpiece:

Good evening, friends and family. If this has reached you, I hope my passing isn’t as tragic as everyone is making it out to be so far. It really is a pity. I, too, feel like my time was cut short. But, then again, since you are reading this letter, it means that I am dead and you have been chosen to receive an inheritance!

Before my death, I was a wealthy man, as we all know. Why, I believe that is why many of you have pretended to care about my health as the years have passed. Do not worry, I find it amusing and cannot wait to give to you what you have been waiting for for all these years. 

Now, to begin, shake the envelope that held the will upside down. If a key falls out of the envelope, congratulations! I genuinely enjoyed our time together when I walked among the living. If a key does not fall out, I am very sorry, but you were apparent in your intentions when getting to know me and I found you incredibly rude. However, me being gracious, generous, and dead, I’ve decided the past is the past and have given you a small sum of my fortune. 

I laugh bursts from me as I read my words, imagining the growing horror and embarrassment of the men and women who wouldn’t receive a key. The greedy and ungrateful fools always ranged in people; from glamorously dressed couples that attended to my every need with too much enthusiasm, to my own grandchildren blatantly asking for money. 

My laughter is soon replaced with another round of coughing and hacking. The sound seems to be similar to a bell for my butler as I again hear the crisp sound of Jeremy’s shoes. “Once again, dear boy, I am fine. It is when you don’t hear coughing that you should be nervous.” I shoot him a wry grin, only his head peering through the doors. His initial look of horror slowly melts to something close to amusement before he nods his head and leaves. 

“Now, where were we?” I ask myself, and return my attention to the will:

For those who haven’t received the key, the rest of this will is useless to you. I would have given you a different copy that excludes the following information, but where’s the fun in that?

For those lucky enough to have received a key, you now hold in possession a replica of the original key that unlocks a vault somewhere in my home. This vault contains the deeds to the house, my company, and all other properties under my name. 

I know what you are thinking. Gabriel, why would you give everyone a key? Why not just one person? Well, you see, death is a tragic thing. People are sad, unhappy, and melancholy, while the procedures following a death just make everyone uncomfortable. Instead, I thought I would make this as exciting and as fun as possible! 

A give you all free reign of the house. You may go wherever you please in order to find this sacred vault as long as you have the key. If you do not have the key given to you with this will, then you will be restrained by my many guards that will stay until a new owner of the house is declared. 

Oh, and one more thing. You all only have 72 hours. Use the time wisely, my friends, my true friends. Only the best will prevail. Because anything goes in the game of life. 

I finish the will with my name, a mix of loops and swirls that others see as a sign of importance and power, but I know to be a lazy attempt at writing. “Jeremy,” I call, knowing the boy wouldn’t be too far, “the will is ready to be copied, if you please.” 

As faithful as ever, Jeremy strides through the room and grabs the piece of paper as if it were glass, holding it gently between his forefinger and thumb in an effort to avoid the still-drying ink. “Of course, sir. And how many copies should I make?” 

“Well that depends on how much chaos we’d like to cause, Jeremy. Let me think… there’s all my grandchildren, my siblings and their families, the owners of the country club I always went to and all the lads there, and you of course, so let’s say… 50. Make 50 copies, Jeremy, and I will create a clearer list of people who’ll receive the will.” 

Jeremy bows slightly at the waist and quickly leaves the room, but not before I see the confusion clouding his face. The boy doesn’t know why he’s a part of the will, I think, and quickly call out to him. 

“Yes, sir?” Jeremy asks, his face creased as his eyebrows draw together. 

“I can see you are confused as to why you are a recipient of my will.” Jeremy nods his head slowly, as if not knowing the correct answer himself. “I see,” I stroke my short beard while gazing at my butler. “Well, Jeremy, you are young, yes? A fresh chick to the world. But you are loyal. And I would like to thank you for that loyalty, till the end.”

Jeremy’s face is still drawn together, agitation flashing through his eyes. “But, sir, not to be disrespectful, but- you’re family, they will, well… they won’t take this news well. Me being a servant and all.” I nod slowly, and pretend to consider his words. 

“You are right, Jeremy. Yes, you are quite right.” I watch as his face relaxes in relief before saying, “All the more fun.”