TW: parental abuse, self harm, suicidal ideation, murder
March 6, 2020
Today will be my first diary entry. But it certainly won’t be my last.
I hope that when I die, when all that’s left of me is a cold body, that you will find this book, and you won’t let the memory of me die.
If you decide to do that, rest assured that I will haunt your memory forever.
Yes, Father, I am talking to you. I am sure that a play of fates will ensure that you will be the one to find my body in the end. That is what you deserve, after all.
I wonder whether you cried over my body or whether you let out a sigh of relief at being freed of the burden that I have been to you your entire life. I am sure it was the latter. But if the ink is running down the page as you are poring over it right now, I believe that you regret my death.
That makes me smile.
March 10, 2020
I asked you today whether I could see her, whether I could touch her small body again, whether I could hold her in privacy.
You only slapped me and locked the door to the room again.
The walls seem to be closing in with every day.
Will the walls suffocate me to death, or will you?
March 16, 2020
I suppose I should be thankful that I have been locked in my own room for the last ten days.
I know every corner and crevice of this place. I know where it is the coldest and the warmest. I know the angle at which the window should be closed so that a thin strip of light falls on my body every morning and wakes me up.
I want to go back to my job. I don’t know if my colleagues even notice that I am gone.
I wouldn’t notice it if I was them.
March 19, 2020
Maybe staying awake throughout the night is the only way to stop the nightmares. His face appears in front of my closed eyes, and I feel like he is hiding in this very room, waiting to make an entrance.
Maybe the cause of my death will be the lack of sleep.
March 26, 2020
I just finished throwing up all the food I had eaten. It didn’t help at all when you punched me in the stomach, asking me why I had made such a mess.
I wanted to tell you that my stomach still hurt after delivering the child, and that it had only been a month, and I was missing her. That I would be okay if I just saw her face.
But I bit my tongue until the metallic tang of blood filled my mouth and lay there in a pool of my own blood until the strip of light fell on me again.
April 23, 2020
My body is still aching from yesterday’s punishment. I have only now realized that it has been over a month since I have last written.
I don’t remember much of this month that has passed. All I know is the bits and pieces I heard around me.
A seizure is what the white-clothed men and women had called it.
I had shaken my head in denial when a lady with crinkles around her eyes had asked me if I could explain the bruises on my body. I had enjoyed the brief smile on your face when I had lied straight to hers.
It felt good to be appreciated by you, even if it was just for a second.
Despite everything that has happened, and even after you have shown your true colours to me, I still yearn for your approval, Father.
Congratulations to you.
You have officially gained control of every part of me.
May 3, 2020
You didn’t remember that it was my birthday today. I sat in my room, my body shaking as my face became sticky with salt running from my eyes. I wailed and screamed until your prized security guards entered the room and asked what was wrong.
I wanted you to come.
But you didn’t.
You didn’t bring me a birthday cake or a present.
I hate you.
May 29, 2020
One of your friends came over yesterday. He was the nice uncle, the one who always gave me a candy bar every time he saw me.
I screamed until my throat was scratchy and raw, and he even heard me and came upstairs to investigate.
You lied to him and convinced him that it was just the wind.
He was only a few feet from me.
I could have been saved.
But you showed me again that I am beyond the point of being saved.
June 13, 2020
I cut myself today.
I’ll leave you a drop on this page, just so you know and always remember what the blood you spilt looks like, what it smells like.
I hope it is imprinted in every fibre of your being.
You are a murderer.
You murdered your own daughter.
You killed every part of her without killing her at all.
My blood will always be on your hands.
Stop trying to wash it off.
July 15, 2020
I woke on a hospital bed again a few days back.
I had cut myself and lost consciousness.
Apparently, I had another seizure, which is why I don’t remember a moment of it.
You seemed almost worried for me when you peered over me when you thought I wasn’t looking.
I was though, and the light that reflected off your eyes indicated that you had felt something close to sadness looking at me lying there.
Maybe that’s how you will look the day it all ends.
I won’t know though.
August 2, 2020
You just left the room a few seconds back, fuming at not being able to find this very book which I am writing in.
I am feeling quite smug about the fact that you didn’t see it in plain sight, that you didn’t ask even once what the bulge in my coat was.
I don’t feel smug anymore.
I feel quite nauseous.
August 23, 2020
I managed to get a picture of her.
I am keeping it in this book itself.
You tried to search for it, didn’t you?
You’re sitting on the floor, only a few inches away from where you found my body, and you’re shaking the book like some kind of maniac.
You won’t find it.
You killed her too.
September 16, 2020
His best friend came today.
You know that because you were the one who punched his face.
He came to see me, didn’t he?
He threatened to kill me, didn’t he?
I know which one of his friends it would have been.
Brown hair, birthmark right above his eyebrow.
You should call him to my funeral.
He should at least be able to do that, he needs to watch as his best friend’s murderer is finally laid to rest in the ground.
Because I killed him.
And thus, began all your worries.
You remember the time you used to love me?
Yeah, I don’t remember either.
November 18, 2020
It is getting harder to stay awake.
Maybe I should just close my eyes and let go.
It is not like anyone is going to miss me.
December 14, 2020
I think about him a lot more these days.
His long, slender fingers. His raspy voice. His body on mine.
I hope you are feeling uncomfortable Father.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with his child.
I remember the day I killed him.
I find that whenever I do get nightmares about him and cut myself, I don’t think about his dead body with a knife in it.
No, I think about our first kiss. I think about the first time he told me he loved me. I remember the heat of his breath on me, the taste of his mouth, the stickiness of his body.
These memories are the ones that make me want to die.
Thankfully, I am dead by the time you are reading this.
January 1, 2021
It is the new year.
I wanted to see the fireworks, but the words died in my mouth when I saw you today. You tend to have that effect on me.
I mean, you tended too.
Now my mouth is shut whether you want me to open it or not.
When I looked out the window, I thought I saw him.
His smiling face was there, somewhere in the crowd.
The dizzy feeling in my head hasn’t gone yet.
January 25, 2021
I feel very much like taking my life today, so I am going to come clean before it is too late.
I know that the reason you have kept me in my room for almost a year is a valid one.
You think that your daughter is a criminal and you want to protect her.
I can understand the sentiment.
But you don’t know the whole story.
After reading this, you will definitely regret all of it, I will make sure of that.
The boy who made me pregnant, the father of my daughter, he was the criminal.
I told him I was pregnant and then he took a knife and aimed for my stomach, trying to kill me and my baby in one stab.
Two birds with one stone.
After that, what happened, I can’t tell you.
I only remember that one moment the knife was in his hand, the next moment it was in him.
I only killed him because he was going to kill me.
It was self-defence.
If this is the last day I am alive, I want you to promise me something.
Find my daughter, and bring her home.
Don’t put her under house arrest like you have done with me.
I mean, I am entrusting you with the responsibility of raising my daughter.
I know you must be surprised at the trust I still seem to have in you.
But for you to go against the daughter you have always loved and punish her for her crimes is something that takes all the will power and strength that you have.
Major respect to you for that.
February 3, 2021
Surprise, surprise. I am still very much alive.
That is, I am very much alive today.
The day you are reading this, not so much.
I decided against the whole suicide thing. After coming clean on paper, I didn’t feel in the killing mood anymore.
These days, when you enter the room, I try to talk to you, even if it was just to ask you about your day.
After coming clean on paper, I have been overtaken by the urge to come clean in real life, and for you to hear the truth from my own mouth.
February 28, 2021
You are warming up to me again, I can tell.
You smiled at me today.
That hasn’t happened in a long time.
March 6, 2021
Today seems like a good time as any to tell you the truth.
You are going to come in after lunch and I am going to sit you down.
With your large hand in my small ones, I am going to close my eyes and tell you all of it.
I will bear every punishment, but not the punishment of the truth being shrouded forever.
After that, I will tear this book into pieces.
The moment I tell you, this book is of no use.
Because the moment I tell you, I will decide that I don’t want to die.
Because the law and the world may go against me, but after you learn the truth, you will be my biggest supporter.
I love you, Father.
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Wow. This story expressed all of the daughter's emotions beautifully. And also, I'm glad you didn't kill her. It would've been painful for me to know that she was gone, leaving her daughter alone with her father. There were so many twists and turns, which I love. There were also so many powerful lines in here. "Will the walls suffocate me to death, or will you?" was my fav. I loved this story. Great job! :))
Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it!
Yw :) Would you mind checking out my stories?
Any particular one you would recommend?
Maybe my newest one ("The Anguish of Avisa") or the story with the most likes ("My Torment in the Tower").
I will be sure to check it out soon :)
The Minor Errors Police didn't have to stop by your house 👏🏾
I'm sorry, I didn't get you?
Sorry. Lemme explain: I catch a lot of spelling errors and grammar errors in other people's stories, so whenever I spot them, I write something in my comment: "MINOR ERRORS POLICE, OPEN UP! *smashes door*" Then, I write down the errors and how to fix them. I didn't spot any of those errors in your story, so I'm telling you great job. Sorry for not explaining earlier 😅
Oh okay 😂 Thanks for explaining
Oh wow I don’t know what but I find it both amusing and heartwarming that that comment is literally at 12 upvotes— You don’t even need to respond to this, this is just me randomly remarking that holy heck that’s awesome haha :)
It's pretty great, considering that almost all my comments were at -5 yesterday 😂😂
Hey Mania, It's always been sad to see you being repetitively downvoted, but just recently with them taking away all your points, it's awful and undeserved. I have upvoted you a lot along with the other people, hopefully that helps a little. I'm sorry they're targeting you like this, you're a solid writer and a thoughtful person so this is honestly so unfair. Try not to let their unnecessary and baseless hating bring you down, though. The reason they take so many hours to do something this pointless is they want to get a reaction out of you....
Thank you so much Maya, I really appreciate all your help and support! It came as a shock for me yesterday, seeing my points at 0. But the bigger shock was the amount of support that I'm getting to bring the points back. Thank you for being a part of that! I'll let you know when I wanna chat for fun :)
Hi!!! I'm so sorry you were downvoted and I promise I will do all I can to give you back those points that you deserve!
Thank you so much, that is so sweet of you :)
I'll admit I sat here for a few minutes after I finished reading, trying to comment but finding nothing. The sensation of wanting so strongly to die but also wanting to seize life with a passion is so foreignly familiar, and it feels like you've taken a sledgehammer to the wall I've put up. You're insanely talented, Mania. And the way you write is raw and stripped, completely and utterly unafraid. You seem to be inside my head, almost, always whispering a challenge, daring me to feel, if you'll allow me to be cliche. I'm not yet sure if I'...
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I wasn't very sure about this story, I wrote it very lazily if I say so myself, and my mind was too occupied with the thoughts of my precious downvoter. So I am glad that it translated at least a bit to the story and it made sense. Thank you for your thoughts, I always enjoy reading your comments. In other news, I got downvoted to 0 points yesterday and this wonderful community is upvoting me back up.
Damn, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. However, please don't be discouraged. As I said before, you have talent, and it's amazing to watch you weave together both words and worlds. You're stronger than they are.
Thank you so much for the encouragement :)
I just wanted to know, have you read my stories 'Not Worth It' and 'Game Over'?
Oh, I haven't yet! But if I find the time today I certainly will.
Wow! This story started off on a pretty dark note. It was so sad that the girl kept saying that she wanted to kill herself and have her father mourn over her death when he found her diary. In a way, the more she continued to want herself dead, she blinded herself from the reasons to live. Her emotional struggle throughout the diary entries made her finally realize that she couldn't leave her father and daughter. It had a nice and solid pace throughout the story and I thought her emotions were displayed really well. :) I'm so sorry that you ...
Thank you so much, I am so glad you liked the story! I really appreciate the feedback as well. I'm not letting the downvoting decide whether I continue writing or not. I will be sure to check out the story you have recommended, I need to take my mind off all this :)
Always happy to help a friend out! :D
Hi! I'm so sorry that you're being targeted by the downvoters, I'm trying to help a bit right now :) no matter what, do NOT let them get to you, because you're writing is waaaay better than a number on your profile <3
Thank you so much for the support and encouragement :)
np! 4k :DDDD
Hey, I know I don't really know you, but I'm so sorry about the downvoters. I've gone through your contributions and upvoted you a bit, and from the people in these comments, it sounds like a lot of other people are doing the same. Please stay strong - don't let them destroy the undeniable talent and passion you have! I hope you're doing okay. It looks like you have a lot of friends who can help you with this.
Thank you so much for upvoting me! It really makes me happy that there are many incredibly nice people in this community who are willing to chip in and bring my points back. Thank you for being a part of that. I will never stop writing, definitely not for the sake of those anonymous cowards. Thank you once again!
You’re so welcome! Those point losses were uncalled for, so I’m more than happy to pitch in. I’m glad to hear that!
Don't let these downvoters get you down. They have no power over you, and I will definitely help you out. We got your back ❤️
Thank you so much for the encouragement and support :)
I WILL HELP YOU
Thank you 💖
Your back at 1k, miss. I'm still telling as many people as possible :)
Thank you 💖
LOVE THIS STORY, I am so sorry that you lost all of your points, that's a shit thing to have to deal with, the range of emotion in this story is wonderful!
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! On the brightside, I got a whole bunch of friends as a result of it :)
No problem! You have so many people who have your back! :)
Noooo, so sadd! How could the daughter still love her father after everything he did to her?
I guess it's just because she knew he had only her best interests in mind :)
So sad though. Have you checked mine out？
I actually have something to do right now, I'll read yours in about an hour, I promise
Its okay :)
Yeee all thanks to me your back at 3k XD (No it wasn't me all I did was tell people and uvpote so THANK LE OTHERS ((Issac, Celeste, Aerin, Sky, and all the other amazing people that did so <3))
Yes I did, and thank you too :)
Whoot whoot! 3k!
wow. I am glad that you kept her, and yes the truth is better ALWAYS than lying for a lifetime. It clearly expressed all of her feelings, and in a way, it was kinda relatable with covid and all, we all feel cooped up. Geez, the middle section made me queasy tho, when she was recalling about her uh dude friend. One thing though. Seizures are not something to mess with. My brother has them quite often and it pains me to watch him. We have all had our storms of regret and trauma pass over us, and sometimes they feel like they could last fore...
Thank you so much, I appreciate the feedback!
no problem! *patiently awaiting yours* Hope everything is doing okay :)
Yup, I'll give you feedback soon, I'm in class right now :)
oh...okay, no rush...it's just a little weird bc it's super late where I am, nearly 10:00 pm XD I might be asleep before long :)
It's 10:00 am where I live 😂
Heyyyy I'm sorry about all of the down-voting that's happening to you. I am also going though something tough, but not that tough. I up-voted you some and will continue to do more...too bad this isn't anonymous...I'm trying to keep a low profile rn, so yeah. Hope everything works out okay and I hope that you still keep writing, whether it gains you points or deletes them. -Some one who wishes they were anonymous...Lone Wolf
Thank you so much for upvoting me, I really appreciate it! I'm really sorry you're going through something at the moment, I hope you get through it soon. I'll ensure that you say anonymous through all this, don't worry about it. I will never stop writing, definitely not for the sake of some cowards. Thank you for all your support.
:) You are welcome :)
Oh my gosh, Mania, I knew the downvoters were low, but I didn’t know they were low enough as to literally downvote you thousands of points?! I’m so sorry, but a lot of your friends are helping you get your points back up. I PROMISE YOU WE’RE GONNA REACH AT LEAST 2k!!!!!!!! (By the way, since I honestly have too many alter accounts [I have my main Reedsy account, two random accounts I created for fun a looooong time ago—one of which I used to prank a ton of people, lol—, one account that was supposed to be my new main account after my storie...
Thank you Aerin, I really appreciate your contribution to this whole thing! I appreciate all your help so much :)
Like dis is one of them hehehehe
lol you weren’t here for it, but I basically pranked everyone by complimenting their stories and high-key shading my Aerin account, and they all defended me and it was so sweet 🥺
Whoooooooo! Told at least 7 authos to upvote you still working on ittt !
Thank you so much :)
I love this so much! great job!!!
so...fill me in...the whole up-vote down-vote thing...was that originally supposed to be like a 'like or dislike' thing or...? I think it's stupid either way. Why would someone read through all your comments, your comments specifically, and hit that little down arrow? It's like...down voting not only gets under your skin, but also takes really long to bring you down a couple 100 points. I think the whole points and leader board thing is stupid. Why can't there just be a place for common people to share a similarity: writing? And when the 'p...
Don't apologise. I could go on a whole rant about this too, especially after what has happened. I lost all my points yesterday and in just a day, 4800 became 0. It was awful, and even though people liked my stories, it was still stuck at 0 for the whole day. I really don't know who has it out for me so much that they pressed that down arrow over 5000 times. It really isn't nice of them.
yeah, defiantly agree on that one. hope you conquer this, and remember, you are never alone. You have more friends than down-voters, and God is always on your side.
Thank you so much, I will keep that in mind always :)
np :) My stories try to be uplifting, so I would suggest that you read at least my newest one, Relatable/One/Why Can't There be Purple/Ash and I will try to read some of yours sometime :)
Sure, I'll check it out!