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Fiction Drama

TW: parental abuse, self harm, suicidal ideation, murder

 

March 6, 2020

 

Today will be my first diary entry. But it certainly won’t be my last.

 

I hope that when I die, when all that’s left of me is a cold body, that you will find this book, and you won’t let the memory of me die.

 

If you decide to do that, rest assured that I will haunt your memory forever.

 

Yes, Father, I am talking to you. I am sure that a play of fates will ensure that you will be the one to find my body in the end. That is what you deserve, after all.

 

I wonder whether you cried over my body or whether you let out a sigh of relief at being freed of the burden that I have been to you your entire life. I am sure it was the latter. But if the ink is running down the page as you are poring over it right now, I believe that you regret my death.

 

That makes me smile.

 

******

 

March 10, 2020

 

I asked you today whether I could see her, whether I could touch her small body again, whether I could hold her in privacy.

 

You only slapped me and locked the door to the room again.

 

The walls seem to be closing in with every day.

 

Will the walls suffocate me to death, or will you?

 

******

 

March 16, 2020

 

I suppose I should be thankful that I have been locked in my own room for the last ten days.

 

I know every corner and crevice of this place. I know where it is the coldest and the warmest. I know the angle at which the window should be closed so that a thin strip of light falls on my body every morning and wakes me up.

 

I want to go back to my job. I don’t know if my colleagues even notice that I am gone.

 

I wouldn’t notice it if I was them.

 

******

 

March 19, 2020

 

Maybe staying awake throughout the night is the only way to stop the nightmares. His face appears in front of my closed eyes, and I feel like he is hiding in this very room, waiting to make an entrance.

 

Maybe the cause of my death will be the lack of sleep.

 

******

 

March 26, 2020

 

I just finished throwing up all the food I had eaten. It didn’t help at all when you punched me in the stomach, asking me why I had made such a mess.

 

I wanted to tell you that my stomach still hurt after delivering the child, and that it had only been a month, and I was missing her. That I would be okay if I just saw her face.

 

But I bit my tongue until the metallic tang of blood filled my mouth and lay there in a pool of my own blood until the strip of light fell on me again.

 

******

 

April 23, 2020

 

My body is still aching from yesterday’s punishment. I have only now realized that it has been over a month since I have last written.

I don’t remember much of this month that has passed. All I know is the bits and pieces I heard around me.

 

A seizure is what the white-clothed men and women had called it.

 

I had shaken my head in denial when a lady with crinkles around her eyes had asked me if I could explain the bruises on my body. I had enjoyed the brief smile on your face when I had lied straight to hers.

 

It felt good to be appreciated by you, even if it was just for a second.

 

Despite everything that has happened, and even after you have shown your true colours to me, I still yearn for your approval, Father.

 

Congratulations to you.

 

You have officially gained control of every part of me.

 

******

 

May 3, 2020

 

You didn’t remember that it was my birthday today. I sat in my room, my body shaking as my face became sticky with salt running from my eyes. I wailed and screamed until your prized security guards entered the room and asked what was wrong.

 

I wanted you to come.

 

But you didn’t.

 

You didn’t bring me a birthday cake or a present.

 

I hate you.

 

******

 

May 29, 2020

 

One of your friends came over yesterday. He was the nice uncle, the one who always gave me a candy bar every time he saw me.

 

I screamed until my throat was scratchy and raw, and he even heard me and came upstairs to investigate.

 

You lied to him and convinced him that it was just the wind.

 

He was only a few feet from me.

 

I could have been saved.

 

But you showed me again that I am beyond the point of being saved.

 

******

 

June 13, 2020

 

I cut myself today.

 

I’ll leave you a drop on this page, just so you know and always remember what the blood you spilt looks like, what it smells like.

 

I hope it is imprinted in every fibre of your being.

 

You are a murderer.

 

You murdered your own daughter.

 

You killed every part of her without killing her at all.

 

My blood will always be on your hands.

 

Stop trying to wash it off.

 

******

 

July 15, 2020

 

I woke on a hospital bed again a few days back.

 

I had cut myself and lost consciousness.

 

Apparently, I had another seizure, which is why I don’t remember a moment of it.

 

You seemed almost worried for me when you peered over me when you thought I wasn’t looking.

 

I was though, and the light that reflected off your eyes indicated that you had felt something close to sadness looking at me lying there.

 

Maybe that’s how you will look the day it all ends.

 

I won’t know though.

 

******

 

August 2, 2020

 

You just left the room a few seconds back, fuming at not being able to find this very book which I am writing in.

 

I am feeling quite smug about the fact that you didn’t see it in plain sight, that you didn’t ask even once what the bulge in my coat was.

 

I don’t feel smug anymore.

 

I feel quite nauseous.

 

******

 

August 23, 2020

 

I managed to get a picture of her.

 

My daughter.

 

I am keeping it in this book itself.

 

You tried to search for it, didn’t you?

 

You’re sitting on the floor, only a few inches away from where you found my body, and you’re shaking the book like some kind of maniac.

 

You won’t find it.

 

You killed her too.

 

******

 

September 16, 2020

 

His best friend came today.

 

You know that because you were the one who punched his face.

 

He came to see me, didn’t he?

 

He threatened to kill me, didn’t he?

 

I know which one of his friends it would have been.

 

Brown hair, birthmark right above his eyebrow.

 

You should call him to my funeral.

 

He should at least be able to do that, he needs to watch as his best friend’s murderer is finally laid to rest in the ground.

 

Because I killed him.

 

For real.

 

And thus, began all your worries.

 

You remember the time you used to love me?

 

Yeah, I don’t remember either.

 

******

 

November 18, 2020

 

It is getting harder to stay awake.

 

Maybe I should just close my eyes and let go.

 

It is not like anyone is going to miss me.

 

******

 

December 14, 2020

 

I think about him a lot more these days.

 

His long, slender fingers. His raspy voice. His body on mine.

 

I hope you are feeling uncomfortable Father.

 

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with his child.

 

I remember the day I killed him.

 

I find that whenever I do get nightmares about him and cut myself, I don’t think about his dead body with a knife in it.

 

No, I think about our first kiss. I think about the first time he told me he loved me. I remember the heat of his breath on me, the taste of his mouth, the stickiness of his body.

 

These memories are the ones that make me want to die.

 

Thankfully, I am dead by the time you are reading this.

 

******

 

January 1, 2021

 

It is the new year.

 

I wanted to see the fireworks, but the words died in my mouth when I saw you today. You tend to have that effect on me.

I mean, you tended too.

 

Now my mouth is shut whether you want me to open it or not.

 

When I looked out the window, I thought I saw him.

 

His smiling face was there, somewhere in the crowd.

 

The dizzy feeling in my head hasn’t gone yet.

 

******

 

January 25, 2021

 

I feel very much like taking my life today, so I am going to come clean before it is too late.

 

I know that the reason you have kept me in my room for almost a year is a valid one.

 

You think that your daughter is a criminal and you want to protect her.

 

I can understand the sentiment.

 

But you don’t know the whole story.

 

After reading this, you will definitely regret all of it, I will make sure of that.

 

The boy who made me pregnant, the father of my daughter, he was the criminal.

 

I told him I was pregnant and then he took a knife and aimed for my stomach, trying to kill me and my baby in one stab.

 

Two birds with one stone.

 

After that, what happened, I can’t tell you.

 

I only remember that one moment the knife was in his hand, the next moment it was in him.

 

I only killed him because he was going to kill me.

 

It was self-defence.

 

If this is the last day I am alive, I want you to promise me something.

 

Find my daughter, and bring her home.

 

Don’t put her under house arrest like you have done with me.

 

I mean, I am entrusting you with the responsibility of raising my daughter.

 

I know you must be surprised at the trust I still seem to have in you.

 

But for you to go against the daughter you have always loved and punish her for her crimes is something that takes all the will power and strength that you have.

 

Major respect to you for that.

 

******

 

February 3, 2021

 

Surprise, surprise. I am still very much alive.

 

That is, I am very much alive today.

 

The day you are reading this, not so much.

 

I decided against the whole suicide thing. After coming clean on paper, I didn’t feel in the killing mood anymore.

 

These days, when you enter the room, I try to talk to you, even if it was just to ask you about your day.

 

After coming clean on paper, I have been overtaken by the urge to come clean in real life, and for you to hear the truth from my own mouth.

 

******

 

February 28, 2021

 

You are warming up to me again, I can tell.

 

You smiled at me today.

 

That hasn’t happened in a long time.

 

******

 

March 6, 2021

 

Today seems like a good time as any to tell you the truth.

 

You are going to come in after lunch and I am going to sit you down.

 

With your large hand in my small ones, I am going to close my eyes and tell you all of it.

 

I will bear every punishment, but not the punishment of the truth being shrouded forever.

 

After that, I will tear this book into pieces.

 

The moment I tell you, this book is of no use.

 

Because the moment I tell you, I will decide that I don’t want to die.

 

Because the law and the world may go against me, but after you learn the truth, you will be my biggest supporter.

 

I love you, Father.

 

******

March 06, 2021 03:02

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125 comments

19:48 Mar 24, 2021

i love this! it's poignant and perfect. my only critique would be that some lines were a bit stiff, but the flow is so natural you barely notice it. great job.

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Writer Maniac
02:53 Mar 25, 2021

Thank you so much for the feedback, I'll be sure to work on it! I would love some feedback on 'Black and White' :)

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Sammy Xoxoxo
19:30 Mar 24, 2021

I am soooooo sorry for being late, but DAMN. I can't even right now - your writing is beautiful, every sentence of this story. OMG this is awesome, keep on writing my beautiful friend :)

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Writer Maniac
02:53 Mar 25, 2021

Aww thank you so much, this really made my day! I would love to hear your thoughts on a story of mine called 'Black and White' :)

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Sammy Xoxoxo
18:56 Mar 26, 2021

WIll do! I'll check it out later!

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Sammy Xoxoxo
18:56 Mar 26, 2021

WIll do! I'll check it out later!

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Sammy Xoxoxo
18:56 Mar 26, 2021

WIll do! I'll check it out later!

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Akura Ega Shiro
12:21 Mar 19, 2021

I'm not such a great reviewer, but I'll just tell you about what I feel after I read the story. It made me want to cry. The twists are shocking but completely plausible. The dad is horrible, but we eventually learn why he did it. It was heart-wrenching. Her dad did it way too extreme and I would never agree with him, but at least I can see why he did it. Amazing story. Very chilling and hopeful.

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Writer Maniac
12:31 Mar 19, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I would love it if you would read my story 'Not Worth It' and tell me what you think about it :)

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Eddie Thawne
00:31 Mar 19, 2021

I love this. It was amazing. Well done!

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Writer Maniac
02:39 Mar 19, 2021

Thank you! I would love your feedback on 'Not Worth It' :)

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Neala S
15:16 Mar 18, 2021

Omg, I absolutely love your short story :)))

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Writer Maniac
15:19 Mar 18, 2021

Thank you! I would love it if you read my story 'Black and White' :)

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Sage Alden
13:41 Mar 17, 2021

This story hit hard. It was so raw and so real. The amount of thought and emotion throughout was amazing. You portrayed it perfectly, how we still end up loving the people who hurt us. No matter how far they push us, or how much they wear us away, we still go back. I have to admit I had to stop and think for a few minutes before commenting because I was emotionally moved. You have such great talent. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Thank you for such a great story.

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Writer Maniac
15:01 Mar 17, 2021

Aww thank you so much, that's so kind of you! I wrote it without any filter or constantly editing as I tend to do, it's probably why it ended up raw enough, I should try it more often :) I would love your feedback on 'Hold Me' and 'Still Have Each Other'

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Lucia Yu
04:27 Mar 17, 2021

This was a marvelous story. I personally enjoyed this style very much, and I absolutely loved how it was poetic and interesting at the same time, and how the emotions came through so complexly and beautifully. The writing was really powerful. Thank you for a great afternoon reading.

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Writer Maniac
05:04 Mar 17, 2021

Aww thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I would love some feedback on a story of mine called 'Not Worth It' :)

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Gerald Daniels
19:55 Mar 16, 2021

Blimey, I feel exhausted after reading that. It did everything a good story should do, held my attention and made me want to keep reading. Excellent.

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Writer Maniac
02:42 Mar 17, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I was exhausted writing it, so don't worry :) I would love your feedback on my latest story, 'Hold Me' :)

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R. B. Leyland
11:43 Mar 16, 2021

Love the format of this! Using a diary gives the story a certain rawness that it wouldn't have otherwise. Would love a second part to see what happens after she tells her father. Really good work mate!

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Writer Maniac
11:50 Mar 16, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the comment! I would love to get your feedback on two stories of mine called 'Game Over' and 'Not Worth It' :)

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R. B. Leyland
12:25 Mar 16, 2021

I will give them a read soon certainly. I only have two stories at the moment but would love your feedback too :) how can I help with this downvoting I see people talking about? Is an upvote just a like on your stories? Sorry, new here.

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Writer Maniac
12:42 Mar 16, 2021

I'll be sure to leave some feedback on your stories. The downvoting problem has gone away for a bit, but thanks for offering your help. You can downvote or upvote by clicking on the down or up arrow respectively next to the comment.

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R. B. Leyland
12:45 Mar 16, 2021

Thank you. Ah is that how it works? I see!

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Writer Maniac
12:55 Mar 16, 2021

No problem ;)

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Holly Fister
16:36 Mar 15, 2021

Whew, this was intense, horrifying, and very psychological. I have trouble believing that the dad would suddenly become her biggest fan after all his abuse toward her, but perhaps it’s wishful thinking and the result of a year of horrors and hoping for change.

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Writer Maniac
02:31 Mar 16, 2021

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the comment! Maybe it's just her being wishful, as you said, or maybe it actually happens. It's an ending open to your interpretation ;)

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