He's Pointing a Cookie at Me

"Knock it off! Fleabags!" Another acorn hit me in the ear. I picked it up and hurled it at the nearest squirrel. It missed.

"Just what I expected from a baker," the squirrel said. "Go back to the kitchen and bake cookies. It's all you're good for." The squirrel clan laughed.

I picked up another acorn and hit the rodent between the eyes. That put an end to his laughter.

"How's that for a baker?"

The squirrel clan redoubled their missile attack. Acorns pelted me on all sides. Squeakings rang out for reinforcements. I just had to poke the bear. I'm such an idiot. I wouldn't be dodging nuts if I'd just done what Ernie said.

I made a mad dash to escape the hellish fur balls, balancing myself to keep from falling. Acorns rolled under my feet, bounced off my head, and slid down my pants. This was nuts! When Ernie hears about this, I'll be back on fudge duty.

I almost fell into the Forbidden River, unable to see because of the shower of acorns. That would have been an inter-forest crisis. But fortunately, the chief of the squirrel clan stepped between me and the river.

"Whoa, mighty guardian. You ought not to go in there." Several squirrels from the Chief's personal guard grabbed me, helping me stop.

The Chief looked into the trees and said, "That's enough!" The pesky squirrels immediately stopped attacking.

"What's going on here?" The Chief asked.

"He hit me in the eye with an acorn," said the squirrel I hit in the eye with an acorn.

The Chief looked at me.

"Only after he hit me and called me a baker," I said.

The Chief looked at the squirrel.

"Yeah, It's true. But he is a baker, so I don't see the problem."

"See here; you ought not to call a guardian a baker. Do you want gnomes taking our acorns, knocking down our trees, or chasing us from our forest?" The chief paused for dramatic effect. "Respect! That's what you owe them. Not this."

The squirrel clan hung their heads in shame.

Suddenly, the sound of rustling leaves on the other side of the Forbidden River alerted us to a large group approaching. Gnomes appeared and lined themselves along the river.

"Guardian? Are there others coming to join you?" The Chief asked.

"I'm afraid not. Ernie sent me to patrol, not fight."

"I see." The Chief ordered his clan to form lines on the ground and in the trees. "We will stand with you."

I nodded my thanks.

Tension hung in the air, thick as peanut butter. I felt for my weapon. For one terrifying moment, I thought I lost it while evading acorns. That would be just like me. Luckily, it remained in my apron.

I hadn't seen a gnome in ages. Now that I think about it, it has been ages since I have been outside our tree. Baking took over my life. Ernie only allowed me this patrol because I kept complaining about baking my life away instead of guarding the forest. So, he gave me the day off and sent me out to patrol. I'm sure he never dreamed I'd actually run into gnomes. Neither did I. It's funny, but I can't remember why I wanted to leave our tree to guard. Baking is so much safer.

"Look! It's an elf!" One of the gnomes shouted.

I looked around for the elf.

"He's referring to you, Guardian," the Chief whispered.

Blushing, I straightened and attempted not to look like I was about to pee my pants.

"Hey, it's one of those cookie-making elves. See his apron," another gnome said.

I cleared my throat, "That's right, but I'm a guardian nonetheless, and you know the rules." I sounded weak, and I felt weak. A few in the squirrel clan groaned, hitting their foreheads in disappointment.

"Or what? Are you going to throw cookies at us?" The gnomes laughed. "Help! Help! There's an elf pointing a cookie at me." The laughter grew. Some gnomes fell to the ground, barely able to breathe.

"Now that's enough." I intended to shout, but only a high-pitched squeal exited.

Now, every gnome rolled on the ground, laughing their heads off. "He sounds like a girl."

"Step back, son," the Chief pushed me back. "Listen, gnomes!" He shouted. "Don't anger a guardian. You've forgotten their fury."

The gnomes regained control and stood.

"Don't you remember why you're not allowed to cross the Forbidden River? The great guardians, that's why. They've defeated you once, and they'll do it again. Now leave before you see the fury once again." The chief spoke with such confidence that I looked down at my hands, expecting to see the fury.

A gnome wearing the tallest hat stepped to the front. "If you think we're afraid of this pipsqueak, you've got another thing coming." He raised his hand, and the gnomes formed a line behind him. He shouted a command in their tongue, and they pulled slingshots out and loaded them with stones.

The Chief ordered his squirrels to arm themselves with acorns.

How did this happen? A simple patrol turned into the largest face-off in modern history? I frantically thought about how to de-escalate the situation. Cookies came to mind. I reached into my apron, pulled out a fudge-dipped cookie shaped like an elf, and threw it at Tall Hat. It hit him on the nose.

Tall Hat looked down to see what hit him. He laughed once he realized I had thrown a cookie. His laughter spread throughout the line of gnomes, and soon, they were back on the ground, rolling in uncontrollable hysterics.

The squirrel clan joined in, and both sides dropped their weapons. The laughing went on for minutes that seemed like hours. Finally, everyone had to stop to keep from busting a gut.

The forest became quiet. Tall Hat nodded to me and ordered his troops to head back home.

The squirrel clan looked dumbfounded.

"I've never seen the fury in action," the Chief said. "I must admit, I thought it would look more frightening, less sweet."