Submitted to: Contest #65

Things May Go Wrong

Written in response to: "Start your story with two characters deciding to spend the night in a graveyard."

Fantasy Horror Adventure

‘Yes! No. Yes. I don’t know.’ Mike exclaimed, clearly confused.

‘Come on, it’s going to be loads of fun’ Louis urged him, excitement visible on his face. ‘It’ll be the best adventure and the best Halloween in the history of civilization.’

‘What? You think just visiting a graveyard and burying skulls between other graves is a form of entertainment? It’s disrespectful.’

‘Hah! Disrespectful?’ Louis scorned. ‘It’s a graveyard. I’m sure the dead people won’t mind. And we’ll go far away where no one will know us. We’ll use our bicycles.’

‘It’s going to be cold’ Mike added.

‘We’ll wear extra jackets then.’

‘But we’ll have to dig a lot.’ Mike complained.'

‘Well, it’s going to be fun anyway.’ Louis shrugged. ‘Fine.’ Mike gave up. ‘What’s the plan?’

‘Okay, so on Halloween night, we’ll sneak out of our houses, and get all the digging tools we can from our houses. I have been making different types of skulls at home. We’ll take them and ride our bicycles to the furthest we can get and find a graveyard. We’ll dig between graves and bury three to four skulls in each. We’ll put a skull on top of each grave and come back home. In the morning, when people will see the graveyard, they’ll be spooked out and think that that graveyard is haunted. It’s going to be really fun.’ Louis insisted, then added. ‘I mean what could go wrong.’

***

I watch as they enter the graveyard. I’m surprised and scared at the same time. What were two boys doing on Halloween night? I am furious at the sight of them, stamping around the graves as if they own that place. Has someone ever heard me stamping around? I walk as quietly as a well…...ghost?       What are these boys doing now? I can see both of them, whispering to each other. Why are they jumping over graves? It’s disrespectful even if no one is inside them. Shall I do something to stop them? They don’t even realize whose graves these are. I must stop them.

***

They entered the graveyard.

‘Are we too loud?’ Mike asked, whispering.

‘No we’re just tiptoeing’ Louis whispered back loudly.

‘Shh…Shhhhhh……. Okay.’ Mike hushed him as they climbed over graves to select a place to start digging.

It was very dark, and the night was whispering at them to turn back. Only if they weren’t so deaf.

‘Come on, let’s start from here.’ Louis spoke softly, pointing at a space between two graves.

Mike shivered and jumped as Louis’s feet rattled against a bone. Mike clapped his hand to his mouth to stifle himself from screaming.

‘What’s a bone doing here?’ he choked, on the edge of tears.

‘Shhh…… don’t be a coward. It must be a dog’s or a cat’s. come on.’ They started their digging, Mike glancing here and there every now and then, to check if someone was approaching them.

Soon, they were done digging the first grave. Louis took out three big skeleton faces and threw them in the grave. In the darkness, they looked like devils which could have come in people’s dreams and make those people never wake up. After glancing at them, they started throwing back the mud and digging the next grave.

***

This is enough. I will teach both of them a lesson, none would be alive to learn. I head forward, ignoring the fact that they can see my footprints in the dirt. First, I make for the arrogant-looking boy. The one with the excitement on his face, the one who is digging swiftly. I promise myself that I’ll make him suffer.

***

Louis looked up just in time to see a bone hurtling towards him. Shocked, he had barely moved an inch that the bone hit him right in his forehead, sending his world spinning. He dropped his spade with a thump and sat down hard on the sand.

Mike gaped at Louis’s forehead, which was blood red, and screamed. At once, something dragged him forward by his feet and he fell on his back. Before he could do something, he saw Mike being beaten up by a bone which was floating in the air while beating Louis. He screamed again.

***

I beat the arrogant boy by the one while the other one yells continuously. I wish he will stop. He’s very annoying. Besides, I wish he knew no one would come to his aid. I finish the first boy off and throw him out of the graveyard with one twist of my hand.

***

Mike couldn’t stop screaming. Louis was tilted in the air, and as he watched, was thrown over the fence near their bicycles. Mike tried to get up and run but he slipped badly on his back again. He was almost sure it was broken. He knew he was done for. This was the worst nightmare. Ho couldn’t die now. Not yet. Something knocked him on his forehead and he blacked out.

***

The other one, the scaredy-cat, is gravely injured. I carry him outside more carefully. I do not know why but I don’t feel like killing this one. I get back to the graveyard, proud of my performance. My family will be proud.

***

Actually, today is my duty to guard our graveyard. People around here think human beings are buried here. How wrong they were, they don’t realize. Little do they know, that this graveyard is ours. Of course, when ghosts die, they perish. They don’t exactly have leftover body or bones to bury. But out of respect, we dig a grave a grave when each ghost dies and then we bury simple skeletons in it, that we carve ourselves, like people put flowers on their loved ones’ graves. Every day, a ghost has to protect the graveyard from humans, and today was my duty.

I wonder what does boys were planning, but whatever it was, thanks to me, they didn’t succeed in it.

***

It was the morning after Halloween when some people discovered two bicycles and two boys in front of a graveyard. One of the boys were dead and the other was dying. His last words were, ‘Stay away from this graveyard. It’s haunted.’

With that, he took his last breath and died, leaving the people with just a haunted graveyard and his last words. 

Posted Oct 23, 2020
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28 likes 22 comments

Hello there Bareera!! I just want to be straight up honest with you... yes, I am one of those Wednesday critique people. Now, even though I was assigned to come here and read your story, boy oh boy I am so glad I did!! I loved each and every word of your story, and it takes a very talented person to write a story like this. Honestly, you did an amazing job, but that's NOT the end of this comment. 😊

I have much more things to say about it! I want to start off this critique by saying my top 3 things I LOVED about your story. (Though if I had to list all of the things I LOVED about your story, that would take a very long time for both me to write all of that, and you to read all of that!) One of my favorite things about your story was the way it flowed so perfectly! 😀

Another thing I just LOVED about your story is that you did a great job with making the characters go through all the scary events!! Mike and Louis were absolutely hilarious characters for me!! I enjoyed them screaming figuring out everything in this story! Though this story was a little scary and suspense, I still loved the characters you made!! 😄

My last appreciation for you is the way you hooked the readers in the beginning! It was very smart of you to add a lot of interest to the readers the very first things when you start the story. As a reader, I was constantly asking myself "Oooh! What's gonna happen next? What's gonna happen next?" for every word I read. It takes a creative and talented person to do that! 😃

Now is my feedback/suggestions for this story. I do know that this story got approved, but I hope that my feedback will help you improve in the future and hopefully become a better writer!! 😁

1. "In the darkness, they looked like devils which could have come in people’s dreams and make those people never wake up." You could have deleted the word 'which' and replaced it with the word 'that' to make this sentence a little less confusing.

2. "In the darkness, they looked like devils which could have come in people’s dreams and make those people never wake up." In this same area, I also found that you could have deleted the word 'in' and replaced it with 'into'.

3. "Before he could do something, he saw Mike being beaten up by a bone which was floating in the air while beating Louis." You could have deleted the word 'which' and replaced it with the word 'that'.

4. "But out of respect, we dig a grave a grave when each ghost dies and then we bury simple skeletons in it, that we carve ourselves, like people put flowers on their loved ones’ graves." It looks like you repeated the word 'grave' two times there!! You should have deleted the 2nd '...and grave...".

5. "But out of respect, we dig a grave a grave when each ghost dies and then we bury simple skeletons in it, that we carve ourselves, like people put flowers on their loved ones’ graves." There wasn't a need for the comma after the word 'ourselves'.

6. "I wonder what does boys were planning, but whatever it was, thanks to me, they didn’t succeed in it." This sentence didn't make much sense to me. 🤔

I think you wanted to write it like this: "I wonder what the boys were planning, but whatever it was, thanks to me, they didn’t succeed in it."

7. "One of the boys were dead and the other was dying." You could have deleted the unnecessary word 'was' and replace it with another verb. In this context, only the word 'was' makes sense.

Other than those tiny little mistakes, I didn't notice anything else in your story! Again, I really want to thank the critique circle for noticing your story and reading it! I am so glad I did, because this was such an interesting read! You have a real talent for writing! Have a happy November 4th! (or 5th, whatever your time zone is...) Stay safe and happy!🥰

Reply

Bareera Samra
19:11 Nov 05, 2020

Harpriya, I am speechless. I have just recently started writing and this comment means so much to me. I am really glad you liked my stories. thank you for taking your time to tell me the suggestions. your comment warmed my heart. 🥰

Reply

OMG!! Thank you so much! I am pretty new to Reedsy too! (Just joined September!!) I am so glad that you liked my critique! You know, I am proud to say that you are my friend! Let me know if you ever want me to upvote your comments, like, or comment on your stories! I will be more than happy to do it for a friend! :)

Reply

Bareera Samra
07:35 Nov 06, 2020

Thank You so Much Haripriya. I'll love for you to read my stories. and you have no idea how much your comment has appreciated me! thank You!😊

Reply

No problem! :)

Reply

Wirda Bibi
11:49 Dec 16, 2020

This is such an amazing comment. I also get some advice from it for my writing also😊.

Reply

Hello Wirda! Thank you so much!! I would love to comment on your stories as well!

Reply

Wirda Bibi
03:59 Dec 17, 2020

thank you so much :)

Reply

Tiffany 🌻
18:05 Nov 01, 2020

I love this story! It's so interesting to see a ghost's pov, really creative plot and perfect for halloween🙌👻

Reply

Bareera Samra
15:57 Nov 02, 2020

Thank You So Much Tiffany. I am really glad you liked it.

Reply

Soofia Asad
21:37 Nov 10, 2020

This story was AMAZING like a short story but with lots of fun in it and thanks to you now I am a reedsy member❤❤

Reply

Bareera Samra
06:58 Nov 11, 2020

Thank You! I'm glad you enjoyed it!❤

Reply

Aafia Hanya
04:29 Oct 30, 2020

WOAHHH.... nice pov's. amazing story. keep it up😎😎

Reply

Bareera Samra
12:37 Oct 30, 2020

thank you sooo much! ✨

Reply

Amel Parvez
11:07 Dec 01, 2020

Girl I just love your stories!
I enjoyed reading it, especially the part when they were getting beaten by the ghost, just imagine that floating in midair, like hoah!
It was a bit sad too; they both died in the end:(

Whatever, keep up the amazing work!

Reply

Bareera Samra
06:06 Dec 03, 2020

Amel, I always appreciate getting such comments from you Thank You so much, I am glad you enjoyed it! 🥰

Reply

Amel Parvez
07:02 Dec 03, 2020

You are most welcome!💙

Reply

Jia Kausar
13:37 Oct 24, 2020

Wow! This is so creepy and entertaining at the same time. Keep it up!

Reply

Bareera Samra
13:39 Oct 24, 2020

Thank You so much!

Reply

Wirda Bibi
14:15 Nov 05, 2020

good story:)

Reply

Bareera Samra
12:29 Jan 08, 2021

Thankss!❣

Reply

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