Not a Limo Ride

Excerpts from marriage discourses by Joseph Bockner, Clarence Wallenstein, and Anna Marie Wallenstein.

August 16, 1957

Marriage of Clarence Wallenstein and Anna Marie Bockner

Joseph Bockner, father of the bride:

I’m sure you know by now that today is not the happiest day of my life. My baby – my only daughter – is only seventeen, for Pete’s sake. I would never have given my consent, except that she’s just as stubborn as her mother and my life would not be worth living if I said no and stuck to it. So, Clarence, you get to spirit her away to Edmonton, in a different province, over two hundred miles away. I hope with all my heart that this new job of yours works out, because Anna Marie’s mother and I can’t bear the thought that she would ever lack for anything.

Anna Marie, your mother wants you to know that she will always love you. Any unkind things she said slipped out because she was upset and just wants you to be happy. If things go bad – and they will – she will bite her tongue and never say “I told you so.” She will listen to your tales of woe and shower you with sympathy, but when all is said and done, you are the one who is going to have to fix whatever is wrong, or put up with it. 

You’ve both ignored all my advice so far, so there’s not much point in giving you more. But I will say one thing. Don’t take each other for granted. Say thank you every day, with feeling, like you just won an important game and you are thanking your coach for helping make it possible. Lasting love is more valuable than fame, fortune or sporting events.

Our very first really bad fight, I was all set to walk out, because I was sure it was all over. But then, without warning, Mavis yelled, THANK YOU! That took the wind out of my sails. “What for?” I asked. “Thank you for having it out with me instead of going to the bar and blabbing about our private affairs.” I didn’t know what to say. The only thing I could think of was, “Thank you for not hitting me on the head with the frying pan.” Then we both started to laugh. Mavis made a pot of tea and we sat down and figured things out like two sensible people. As time went on, we got better at it. It wasn’t easy to learn to get along through thick and thin, but I’ll be forever grateful that we did.

June 19, 1981

Marriage of Gregory Milton and Mitzi Wallenstein

Clarence Wallenstein, father of the bride:

I can’t believe it. It seems like only last week that we brought baby Mitzi home from the hospital, and now she is a blushing bride. And I am standing here with a glass of champagne in my hands, trying to think of something useful to say before I propose a toast to the happy couple.

Mitzi, be patient with Gregory. He’s a newcomer to the marriage game, just like you are. Living as a couple is not as simple as advertised. 

Gregory, you can help things along by admitting that you’re wrong even when you’re right. You will save a lot of time and trouble that way. In the end, you will always lose, because women think faster than men, and they have a way of twisting the facts to suit themselves.

I love being married to Anna Marie, and she has been endlessly loyal and has worked her fingers to the bone on my behalf, but she does not change her mind easily. I have found it easier just to play along. Mitzi takes after her mother.

You have learned a great deal about each other, and you will learn a great deal more in the years to come. Not all of it will be pleasant. Be patient with each other.

July 12, 1986

Marriage of Travis Gerber and Mitzi Wallenstein Milton

Clarence Wallenstein, father of the bride:

Travis and Mitzi, thank you for asking me to speak. For a while, I didn’t expect to be invited to the wedding at all. I appreciate your generosity.

Mitzi, I am sorry that I missed your separation ceremony with Gregory. I had been waiting in the emergency room for over four hours when the nurse finally called my name. I had to choose between coming to your party or losing a finger. I hope you can forgive me for that.

Please find it in your heart to understand that the advice I gave you and Gregory was not intended to be taken literally. It was my feeble attempt at wedding humour. I was devastated to hear that Gregory’s futile attempts to keep the peace were perceived as sarcasm.

Instead of offering personal advice this time, I asked your exes what went wrong, and how to avoid it. They both said they weren’t sure, but perhaps they should have talked to a counselor before it was too late. They are both in therapy now. I hope they will find the wisdom and courage to give the adventure of marriage another try. Being single can get awfully lonely. Every time Anna Marie went to Saskatchewan to visit her mother, those two weeks seemed like forever, and I was worried that she wouldn’t come back.

September 25, 1988

Marriage of Peter Wallenstein and Akanksha Kapoor (mother of Jodha, Zack and Zoni)

Clarence Wallenstein, father of the groom:

Wow, Peter! You were such a shy, intellectual child and teen-ager that we were afraid that you would never take the initiative to go on a solo date, let alone propose marriage. But here we are today, toasting your nuptial union with sparkling pomegranate juice, your favourite drink since you gave up alcohol.

Akanksha, welcome to our family, along with our charming flower girl Jodha, and twin ringbearers Zack and Zoni. It warms my heart to know that my son will never be lonely again. He assures me that you are the most intelligent woman he has ever met, and are more than capable of understanding the intricacies of quantum mechanics and string theory. I hope you will find time to talk about other things as well, and your kids will grow up to be as smart as you are. Remember there is more to life than work.

Anna Marie and I are overjoyed to become instant grandparents, and will do everything possible to make up for lost time. We’re looking forward to hearing every detail of your pregnancies, births, and the challenges that followed. We are working on getting our home child-proofed. We hope you will visit often, but please, for the first few months, bring the children over just one at a time. We need to adjust to grandparenting gradually.

July 20, 2005

Marriage of Darlene Bedard and Mitzi Wallenstein Gerber

Clarence Wallenstein, father of one of the brides:

Mitzi and Darlene, this is a brand new experience for me, so forgive me for my ineptness.  Darlene, when you were the maid of honour at Mitzi’s wedding in 1981, I knew you were best friends, but I never imagined that your relationship went deeper than that. Mitzi has told me that without you, she would have given up on love entirely. I believe love is an essential ingredient to happiness, so I hope you have found what you were looking for. My sweet baby daughter is 46 now, and I just want her to be happy.

Mitzi, I overheard you talking about using your frozen eggs to have a baby by surrogate mother. Don’t do it, but if you do, enroll in a fitness program now. Babies are a lot of work. After they learn to walk and run, parenthood becomes an Olympic event. It would be much wiser to get a medium-sized dog who is less boisterous.

Girls, whatever you decide, keep your therapists on speed dial and make this work. I am not coming back to do this a fourth time.

August 16, 2007

Golden anniversary and renewal of vows of

Clarence Wallenschein and Anna Marie Bockner

Anna Marie Bockner, bride with 50 years’ experience

Hello, everyone! Thank you for coming to our party. Clarence was upset by the feedback he received for his previous wedding discourses, so he asked me to fill in. I was happy to say yes, because I have lots to say, and I’ve been holding back for half a century. It that scares you, feel free to leave now. But you’ll be missing out on the carrot cake with marzipan icing.

When Clarence and I got married, everyone said we would never make it. We were too young and inexperienced. They told us to wait until Clarence was properly settled in his career and could afford to put a down payment on a house and make regular payments. But we wanted to have the adventure of getting settled together.

We had practically nothing. Clarence didn’t even own a car. I had my hope chest, which fortunately contained pots and pans as well as linens. My mother sacrificed two of her precious laying hens for our wedding dinner, and made lots of stuffing and gravy so that there would be enough to feed the fourteen people around the table. We had peach pie for dessert. It was a simple meal, but it was a banquet of love. That love kept us going for five decades, along with the determination to prove everybody wrong.

Right after my father made his speech, Clarence whispered in my ear that some day we would have a big party to celebrate, with champagne. So here I am, in a designer dress that cost more than our car, to tell you that “some day” has arrived, and we’re delighted that so many of you showed up.

We survived six changes of address, two children, three miscarriages, a bankruptcy, a flash flood, two fires, and a tornado. We made terrible mistakes and hurt ourselves, each other, and those we loved. We learned that it is essential to forgive if we have any hope of ever being forgiven. We struggled, but we also laughed and danced and celebrated and believed that we were the luckiest people in the world to have found each other.

We’re going to make one more move, hopefully our last one. We have accepted an offer on our house, and are buying a condo on Moonlight Bay Beach in BC. We’ve spent a lot of vacation time there, and made new friends. You are welcome to visit us, but remember that we no longer have the facilities to provide overnight accommodation or home-cooked meals. We’ll be living in the slow lane from now on.

A couple of months ago, Clarence and I made a list of all the weddings we have attended. Forty-seven that we could remember. Thirteen of them were ended by death. That shocked us, and helped us realize that we were getting older, and needed to think about preparing for the next stage of life. Fifteen are still going, some stronger than others. That leaves nineteen break-ups. Nineteen! Can you believe it?

Who or what can we blame? Sex education? Women working outside the home? Changing divorce laws? Too much emphasis on rights, and not enough on responsibility? Psychologists and therapists have lots of theories, mostly hot air.

I think it’s a case of expectation inflation. Most young people expect marriage to be a limo ride to paradise. They get grumpy and self-centered when they discover that marriage is a long road with frequent obstacles, detours and short cuts that turn out to be dead ends. Then they decide that the problem is that they married the wrong person, so they break loose and try again. In many cases, things are even worse.

Marriage is not all about keeping you in a state of blissful contentment. It has a higher purpose than that. You have been brought together because you can accomplish more as a team than you ever could on your own.

People who want a marriage license should spend two weeks alone with their future in-laws, and get some idea of what their own future might look like. They need to stay up all night with a sick child, go to work the next day, and do it all over again the next night. A few lessons on how to have fun when they are broke wouldn’t hurt either.

Most of all, they need to learn to keep walking. If you keep walking, the scenery will change sooner or later. If you sit down and wait for the limo, nothing will change except the weather.

Every Monday morning, before we do anything else, Clarence and I hold hands, look in each other’s eyes, and repeat our wedding vows. The old-fashioned ones – for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health … ‘til death do us part. Then we figure out what our next step is, and start walking.

June 19, 2009

Marriage of James Allen and Jodha Kapoor

Clarence Wallenstein, grandfather of the bride:

Two years ago, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I swore I would never attend another wedding, let alone give a speech. But I couldn’t stay away from this one. 

James, I hope you realize what a treasure you have found. Cherish her, or I promise you, my vengeful ghost will haunt you and you will never sleep again.

Jodha, you are a delight. You introduced us to grandparenthood, and we never looked back. Your brothers loved to run around and make weird noises, but you sat down and listened to us talk, asked questions, and smiled at our answers. You gave us a thousand reasons to go on living. If your husband is even half as kind and thoughtful as you are, your marriage will be a resounding success.

As you walk this new road together, we will keep track of every step you take. If you get lost, don’t worry. We’ll send a search party.