Woot

Woot

“Miss Jenkins, could you please bring in the next candidate for the 10^th Grade English teacher position?”

“Please sit down, young man. And what is your name?”

“Woot.”

“What?”

“No, Woot.”

“What?”

“No, not what. It’s Woot, sir.”

“Miss Jenkins, can you help me out here?”

“I think he’s trying to tell you his name is Woot, Mr. Carsons.”

“What?”

“No, not what, Mr. Carsons. I believe his name is Woot.”

“Thank you, Miss Jenkins. Your name is Woot?”

“Yes. Actually, it’s Woot Jr., sir. I come from a long line of Woots. Since my dad is a Woot, I’m Woody to my family and friends.”

“And your last name?”

“Wooten, sir.”

“You are Woot Wooten?”

“Yes, Woot ‘Woody’ Wooten”.

“I see from your application, Woot…do you mind if I call you Woot?”

“No, that’s fine, sir. Woot, that’s my name, so go right ahead.”

“Well, Woot, I see you’re from north of the border. Is Woot a Canadian name.? I don’t believe I’ve ever met any other Woots.”

“Yes, Mr. Carsons, it’s very Canadian, rooted deep in our heritage. You see, hundreds of years ago when the men of an Inuit village would return from a hunt, there would be a great celebration if they returned home with the tribe’s favorite meal- a walrus. The women and children would rush to greet them, and the entire village would gleefully dance around a large fire chanting, ‘Walrus on our table! Walrus on our table!’ Over the years, the event became so common that the words ‘Walrus on our table’ were condensed to the acronym-Woot.”

“That’s…very interesting.”

“Some people think the word originated with the advent of the computer age, but we Canadians know better.”

“And the word has been passed down through the ages?”

“Yes, the Feast of the Walrus was such a joyful, exciting event that the Inuits began using it as a reaction to any happy occurrence. You might say it’s the Canadian version of ‘Yippee!’ For example, if a terrible storm lets up, or your uncle survived a mauling by a polar bear, or your homely daughter found a mate, you might yell ‘Woot!’ Today we use it to express joy, happiness, or approval.”

“And when did it become a name?”

“Well, as far as I know, it’s only in my family tree. Generations ago my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, Bernie, was so excited at the birth of his first child that he shouted ‘Woot!’ So they named the baby Woot. We’ve had Woots ever since. And part of the beauty of the name is you can have boy Woots and girl Woots.”

“Your great-great-great-great-grandfather’s name was Bernie?”

“No, my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather…that was Bernie. My great-great-great-great grandfather was Ernie.”

“I see.”

----------

“Have you made a decision on the teaching position yet, Mr. Carsons?”

“I think I’m going to go with that Canadian fellow, Woot whatever his name is.”

“Woot Wooten, Mr. Carsons. His friends call him Woody.”

 “He’s a bit of an odd duck, but he could maybe bring a little of his cultural heritage to the table.”

“Canadian culture? Isn’t that an oxymoron, sir. I thought all they had in Canada was whores and hockey players.”

“Miss Jenkins, my wife is from Canada.”

“What position does she play?”

----------

“So, how’s our new teacher doing, Miss Jenkins?”

“Well, sir, I’d have to say his teaching methods are somewhat unconventional.”

“In what way?”

“Well, for starters, he doesn’t follow our usual grading system.”

“He doesn’t do letter grades?”

“That is correct, Mr. Carsons.”

“He uses the old numbering system?”

“Nope.”

‘What does he do then?”

“He gives out ‘Woots’, sir.”

“Woots?”

“Yes, Woots.”

“How the hell do you give out Woots for grades?”

“For example, sir, if homework is done on time, one Woot; an exceptional job on the assignment, two Woots; acing a test, three Woots.”

“Woots?! That’s crazy.”

“I guess it goes back to that Canadian heritage stuff, sir, that business about Woot being an expression of approval or happiness.”

“Oh, my, God, I’m the principal of the only school in America handing out Woots.”

“It could be worse, sir.”

“How’s that?”

“He could be giving out Yippies!”

“So, does he write ‘Woot’ on their papers?”

“I’m afraid not, sir.”

“Then how goes a student get a Woot?”

“Woot stands in front of the class, holds the paper up high, and shouts ‘Woot!’, or two or three ‘Woots’ depending on how well the kid did on the assignment. If it’s a 3-Wooter on a big test, Woot brings the student up to the front of the class and dances around him or her shouting ‘Woot!’ over and over again. It sounds like that old Inuit ritual he told us about.”

“Oh, my God. The class must think the guy is a nut-job.”

“Yes, I’m beginning to think our Woot has…issues.”

“Issues?! I’d say the guy’s lost his marbles. You don’t think he’s dangerous do you?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Carsons.”

“Geez, I don’t know why I let you talk me into hiring him in the first place.”

“Huh?”

----------

“Woot, so how’s it going?”

“Fine, Miss Jenkins, just fine. My Wooters are doing great!”

“Your Wooters?”

“Yes, that’s what I call my students. Mr. Kotter had his ‘Sweathogs’. I’ve got my Wooters. Catchy, isn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“Have a Woot day! Goo goo a’joob!”

----------

“We’ve got problems, Mr. Carsons. Woot calls his students his Wooters.”

“That’s odd.”

“It’s like he thinks they belong to him. And the name ‘Wooters’- sounds too much like that disgusting, sexist restaurant chain…”

“Oh, Hooters! I …I mean I’ve heard about the place. Of course, I’ve never been there. His Wooters… that does have a troubling ring to it. Miss Jenkins, I think I should perhaps talk to one of Woot’s students to get an idea of what his students think of his teaching methods.”

“I’m on it, sir. I’ll bring in one of the Wooters…I mean one of his students.”

“Sir, do you know what ‘goo goo a’joob’ means?”

“Goo goo a’joob? I have no idea. Why do you ask?”

“When I left him this morning, he told me to have a Woot day, and then he added, ‘Goo goo a’joob. Sounds ominous, sir.”

“Yes, yes it does.”

----------

“Hello, Tom.”

“Hello, Mr. Carsons.”

“How’s everything going?”

“Good.”

“Do you like your classes?”

“They’re ok.”

“And that new English teacher, how do you think he’s doing?”

“Oh, Lord Woot, the Avenger of the Walrus! He’s awe…oops, oh, you mean Mr. Wooten. Uh, he’s ok.”

“What did you say?! Lord Woot?!”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yes, you did. You called him Lord Woot, Avenger of the, I think you said Walrus. What was that about?”

“Sorry, Mr. Carsons, I didn’t say anything about Lords or Avengers.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Well, just get back to class, Tom.”

“Goo goo a’joob, Mr. Carsons.”

----------

“I’m telling you, Miss Jenkins, he called him Lord Woot. And he said he was the Avenger of the Walrus!”

“That makes no sense. You must have misunderstood him.”

“I know what I heard. And he said that ‘Goo goo a’joob’ thing when he left. This is all too strange. I knew there was something wrong with that Woot character. Listen, we need to get to the bottom of this.”

“I agree.”

“Miss Jenkins, could you dress up as a schoolgirl?”

“Uh, what?”

“A schoolgirl. Could you dress up as a schoolgirl?”

“Uh, you’re not going to dress up as a priest or anything like that?”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, no. To go undercover I mean. Sit in on his class, find out what this Lord Woot stuff is about. You’re young enough to pull it off.”

“Phew, you had me worried there for a second. I guess I could.”

“Maybe a wig, glasses. We’ll set you up as a transfer student.”

“Ooo, this is just like the movies!”

----------

“Class, this is Olga. She is an exchange student from Lithuania.”

“Woot, Woot!”

“Let’s give her the old Walrus welcome.”

“Woot, Woot, Woot! Woot, Woot, Woot!”

“Olga, we begin all our classes with the classic lines from Lewis Carol’s famous poem-

“The time has come”, the Walrus said, “To talk of many things…”

“Yes, class, today we will speak of many things, but first we pay homage to the Walrus.”

“Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot!” 

----------

 “I’m telling you, sir, it’s like some kind of cult.”

“Were they Wooting for the Walrus, or were they Wooting for Woot? I mean, after all, his name is Woot.”

“Hard to say, sir, but the class was wrapped up in it. And I guess he begins every class by saying it will be the Walrus talking.”

“That is odd.”

“And there’s something else, sir. I counted five posters of a walrus hanging on the walls in the classroom.”

“What?!”

“And he’s got a walrus paperweight on his desk!”

“It seems that Woot has a thing about walruses.”

“It could be more than a thing, sir. I think we may have a case of walrus worship!”

“Walrus worship?! What hath God wrought?”

----------

“The time has come” the Walrus said, “To talk of many things…”

“Last week Susan gave us her splendid report on how the Walrus, and not the lion, is the real king of the animal world. Today Tom will discuss the Walrus and Noah’s Ark. Tom…”

“It was for good reason that Noah chose the noble Walrus to be the first to board the ark. Noah understood that God favored the Walrus above all other creatures…”

“Thank you, Tom, that was educational and inspirational. Woot! Woot! Woot!”

-----------

“The Walrus was the first to board the ark? I didn’t know that.”

“I don’t think he’d have any way of knowing that, sir. I think he made it up. I think it’s part of this walrus worship thing. We’ve got a cult right here in Central High.”

“Trouble in river city…what do we do? But Tom got three Woots? That’s pretty good.”

“Yes, sir and Woot danced around him.”

“Anything on this Goo goo a’doob business?”

“Nothing yet, but I’m fitting in a little better with the students. I’m sure I’ll learn more as they feel more comfortable with me.”

“Good job, Miss Jenkins.”

----------

“I don’t know, sir, the kids seem to like this Woot character. Maybe they were tired of the usual A’s and B’s and get a kick out of all that Wooting. And there’s something in his voice, sir, sort of a comforting, soothing tone. Have you noticed that, sir?”

“Not really.”

“It kind of draws you in, almost hypnotic.”

“That sounds like one of those cult leaders. I’ve got to figure out what to do here before this gets out of hand. Learn what you can. Good job, Miss Jenkins.”

----------

“Mr. Carsons! Mr. Carsons!”

“What is it, Miss Jenkins?!”

“Goo goo a’joob! I don’t know what it means, but I know where it comes from.”

“Where?”

“Well, today we practiced the song we’ll sing for the Feast of the Walrus, and…”

“The Feast of the Walrus? A song?”

“Yes, that is a very big event for the Wooters, and the song…you won’t believe it…it’s the old Beatles song, ‘I am the Walrus’! Goo goo a’joob is in that song!”

“They sing ‘I am the Walrus”? Are you sure about that, Miss Jenkins?”

“As sure as I am that Grandma gums her pancakes.”

“That's a disturbing image, Miss Jenkins."

“Especially with all the syrup she uses, sir."

"Miss Jenkins, we don't need to bring your Grandma's eating habits into this."

"Sorry, sir. It's just she has no teeth, and..."

"Miss Jenkins!"

'Sorry, sir."

“Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the Feast of the Walrus, ‘I am the Walrus’, the Beatles, this is all very strange stuff. But nothing on what goo goo a’joob means?”

“Struck out on that one, sir.”

“Well, keep trying, Miss Jenkins. Good work.”

----------

“Say, Tom, before we go into class, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Olga.”

“What does ‘Goo goo a’joob mean?”

“Oh, that’s right, you’re new. I guess you’re one of us now, so I’m sure Lord Woot wouldn’t mind me telling you. ‘Goo goo a’joob means I have traveled the path of the Walrus and I will not falter in my quest to reach the goal…”

“It means all that?”

“Hold on, I’m not done yet…to reach the goal of becoming one in spirit with the Great Walrus as I cross the mighty ocean of life to find eternal peace on the other side…”

“That’s quite…”

“Not done yet…and forever revere and hold dear his name. Woot. Woot. Woot. Now I’m done.”

“That’s saying a lot. And there are Woots in there?”

“No, I just have to say the Woots whenever I say that whole thing.”

---------

“Goo goo a’joob says all that, Miss Jenkins?”

“I guess it’s one of the things where the words carry more meaning than just the words themselves, like when someone says Ditto, or Amen, or What larks!, or Who is John Galt?”

“Who is John Galt?”

“Yes, Who is John Galt would be one. But seeking to become one in spirit with the Great Walrus is troubling.”

“It certainly is, Miss Jenkins. Do you know when they celebrate the feast?”

“Don’t know, sir, but soon.”

----------

 “Mr. Carsons, I think something big is going down tonight. We’ve been meeting after school to practice singing ‘I am the Walrus’, and Woot says we should plan on being there longer tonight. He seemed pretty excited about something. It could be the Feast of the Walrus.”

“I’m sorry to say this, Miss Jenkins, but you should probably be there to find out what this Feast of the Walrus stuff is all about.”

“That’s ok, sir. I’ve come this far. I’m willing to do whatever is necessary.”

“Well, let’s hope nothing too crazy happens. Call me at home if it seems like things may get out of hand.”

“Oh, I think you should be here, Mr. Carsons. That Woot guy worries me. I think you should be here in case we need you.”

“Perhaps you’re right. I’ll be in my office.”

----------

“Miss Jenkins, I thought you’d be gone longer. Was it the Feast?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And they’ve finished already?”

“Not quite, sir.”

“Woot, Woot, Woot.”

“What’s…wait a second, I hear Wooting in the hallway.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Woot, Woot, Woot.”

‘It’s getting louder. It sounds like they’re coming this way.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Why are they in the hallway Wooting?”

“It’s part of the celebration, sir.”

“What part?”

“The sacrifice, sir.”

“The sacrifice? What sacrifice?

“Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot!”

“The Wooting keeps getting closer. Why are they coming here?!”

“You see, sir, the greater the sacrifice, the more pleased the Great Walrus will be. And…you are the principal, sir.”

“Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot!”

“Miss Jenkins! Lock the door!”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, sir.”

“What?!”

“No, it’s not what, sir. It’s Woot.”

“Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot! Woot!”

"Aah!!"

----------

“Miss Jenkins, or may I call you Melinda?”

“Of course, Lord Woot, Melinda is fine.”

“Melinda, you would make a wonderful High Priestess at our ceremonies. I’ll be leaving tonight for a school in Montana. Would you care to join me?”

“I wootn’t have it any other way.”

.