Five Dates

The holidays are always full of shit. Lights that give you spots in your eyes and Santas in deflated suits begging you for money in the entrances of supermarkets. Love is pretty nice too, and to my surprise, I wound up getting five dates on Christmas Eve.

The first was a complete douchebag, who sadly reminded me of me. Unshaven in the worst way possible, showed up to our coffee date in a sad pair of jeans and faded “I paused my game to be here” shirt. Scratch the thing about him being like me, he reminded me of a little brother. Or someone that could be my little brother. Anyways, we sat and chatted for a while, the conversation being mostly one-sided as he talked about video games and the dead-end idea he has for a company. Selling pouches that attach to your dog so they can shit in them instead of using some sort of diaper would seem like an average idea until he pulled up pictures of the fabrics he uses. Rocket ships, bows, even actual poop emojis. We ended up leaving the cafe and took a stroll in the 10 am New York atmosphere, where he took me to a slightly romantic broken fountain and proposed to me with a folded-up piece of paper in the shape of a ring. I obviously said no, but he gave me the ring anyway and left me at the fountain with algae in the weirdest places possible so he could “get back to work.”

The second was slightly better. We met for lunch at a deli, where he ordered for me and I ended up only taking a bite and throwing up inside my mouth slightly because I hated how the wrap tasted. He talked to me about his work, which was being a personal trainer at a yoga/gym. I was impressed by his muscles and his outfit of a flannel shirt and jeans, rocking some pretty pricey sneakers I had seen online the other day. We chatted a little, the conversation being less one-sided but still mostly around the fact that he works out and is macho, then took to the town for a little shopping. He found a shirt he liked and I sat and waited as he went to the bathroom, when in reality he was fake flirting with a jewelry seller for an inexpensive ring. My patience was about to wear out when he returned and told me we had to go visit this one place nearby, which ended up being the yoga/gym he works at that was jam-packed that day with customers who definitely knew him where he took a deep breath and got down on one knee. I took the ring, he took the dramatic crying and reassurance from an older customer that he will “get ‘em next time”.

Third one we met up to go see a movie, classic and cliché. He showed up in a sweatshirt and jeans, hiding tattoos that would end up being revealed the second I showed up so I could get even more sweaty. We got some food and went into the movie, a horror one so he could, and I quote, “hug me if I got scared.” I sighed and smiled and agreed, not wanting to kill the mood, but internally screamed because I’m pretty much immune to all of that. It wasn’t bad until we went to sit down, and two teenagers making out were sitting in our seats. He aggressively tapped one on the shoulder and caused the biggest scene with the taller one of the boys before I intervened and asked if they could at least move two seats down. They smiled at me and agreed, and we got our seats next to the two boys who definitely only needed one seat that night. The movie was good, but one thing was contradictory to the past hour. He screamed like a girl every time something happened, clutching onto me like I was his mother and dampening his (thankfully) sweatshirt with his tears. The credits rolled eventually and he straightened up before saying that it was a great movie even though he didn’t even see half of it, and we tripped our way out of the theatre before walking around the mall. He pulled me into a store with those rings that look real but actually aren’t and proposed in front of a group of teenagers who snickered when I said no and paid for the ring myself.

My fourth was very close to being the best but missed so close. Our first person of color, he was kind and had a honey-like voice. Showed up in nicer pants and a button-down to dinner pulled out my chair, and let me order. Didn’t shove his jacket onto me, nor brag about his video games or yoga/gym thing. He talked about his family, and how he moved here to pursue a past lover but quickly separated from them and settled down across the city. Doing odd jobs until he finishes his second round of school, but has a good enough income that he can support himself and the nice slacks he was wearing and the food we ate. He offered me some of his food in the middle of dinner and practically shoved it down my throat as I daintily tried to nibble on it. I choked, he dropped his fork and all the soup went all over my nice dress. Cutting the story short, he felt me up slightly while patting me dry then quickly paid the bill and took me out on the town. We walked for a while before he told me to wait outside a shop, and emerged with a bouquet of roses and a small ring. Right then and there he knelt down and proposed to me. I left him in the bathroom of that store crying with the receipt to the flowers and inexpensive ring to continue on my journey.

Last date. We decided to meet up at a dancing club, where the music was loud and everyone looked like they stepped out of a retro magazine, including me and my date. He was charming and gave me his coat when I was cold, and told me in the line to get inside that he was a composer and wrote songs about love and loss. The mood inside and how he danced clashed with his profession, but we danced the night away before he borrowed a ring from a tall black girl with a beautiful afro and proposed to me in the alleyway outside. His music really touches your soul, I can admit. He honestly touched my soul slightly too at how well the date went, but he can’t really swoon me over more if he’s dead in the back of my slightly beat-up hatchback. Five targets on Christmas Eve night, five killed. Five rings, five new ones to add to my collection as the mysterious “Date Slayer”.