Goose

A house makes a weird sound when the power goes out. A dying wail comes from some unknown electronic device hidden among the multitude of appliances. 

The day of the blackout, the image on the plasma TV narrowed to a slit like a closed eye. The dog was the only one not traumatized by the event. Freddy only raised an eyebrow and looked around a moment before resuming his impression of a rug.

My daughter Brenda, whose nose had been stuck in her phone, suddenly realized that the wifi wasn't on, and the reading light had gotten strangely dim. She cursed a little, switching to her 4G to tell someone or another that the power had just went out at her house.

"I'd probably shut that down," I suggested. "We don't know when the power will come back on."

"You got your own phone."

"Yeah, but what happens when mine goes dead?"

"She's right, honey." My wife Karen had been on Facebook, but she took the blackout calmly. "We might need to call Evergy."

We still had enough light to see her rolling her eyes.

"Noo!" My son Jared screamed from the other room. "I was this close!"

He'd been playing that damn online video game again. Some implausible scenario where superheroes, space men with lasers and medieval orcs go one an elaborate quest that charged up my credit card. Not too unhappy about someone pulling the plug on that!

"What's going on!" the kids shouted, one after another.

I grabbed a flashlight and went down to check the fuse box. The fuses checked out.

"Anything blown?" my wife called from the top of the stairs. 

"Nothing from what I can tell."

She got on the phone with Evergy. We all sat in the dark, waiting to see what she could find out.

"It's busy."

"It's probably a downed tree branch."

"You think it wouldn't be this busy, just for that."

"A blown transformer?"

She shrugged.

The kids were looking outside. "Dad, the whole block is out."

My daughter was texting again.

"Brenda, can I see that?"

"Use your own phone," said replied indignantly.

"I'm the one who pays the bills, darling."

"What's wrong with yours?"

"I laid it down on the couch and I can't see it."

She sighed and handed her sequined pink one to me.

"Yes, hello!" Karen said, but of course it was just one of those messages that come on during the hold music.

My son was opening the fridge to get ice cream in a very careless fashion. Once I retrieved my phone, and felt more certain of not stubbing my toe on something, I went after him. "Hey! Keep that closed! You want everything to spoil?"

"Dad," Brenda complained behind me.

I handed her phone back. "Remember. Conserve the battery. We might need it later."

"I know, I know," she groaned.

You know that mysterious moaning sound I'd heard earlier? That was the central air. Like the fridge, we...kinda had some cool, but it rapidly got stuffy, especially in me and my wife's room. Even when the power was on, we'd have the fan on in there, due to insulation problems, or whatever it was.

My wife finally got through to the operator. Apparently the blackout extended several blocks beyond our neighborhood, and they were still trying to figure out what had made it happen. Tree branches, perhaps a few transformer blowouts, they thought.

We broke out the candles, feeling rather glad that we already ate dinner.

"I'm bored," Jared said.

I rubbed my face. "Then go to bed. Maybe the power will be on when you wake up."

"It's not bedtime."

"Tough."

I took a trip to the basement again.

"Where are you going?" Karen called.

"It's hot in the bedroom. I thought we'd camp out in the back yard."

"Honey, that's where Freddy goes to the bathroom."

"We'll put down a tarp. Plus we don't need to camp at the far end."

"It'll kill the grass."

"You want to sleep in the hot bed?"

My wife pulled out a box. "It's here, honey."

It abruptly started raining. From the ceiling.

"Dad! My waterbed just broke!"

"It's a good thing Jared was in Scouts," Karen said, pulling out a second tent, and an air mattress.

"You want me to sleep on the ground?" Brenda complained when I made the suggestion.

"We have an air mattress. Plus it's hot. Would you prefer to sleep in Jared's bed?"

"On his mounds of used dental floss? Grooss!"

"Sounds like a yes on the tent."

Anyone who has gone camping knows the excruciating inconvenience a dome tent can be. You got to bend the poles just right so they don't come popping out while you're setting the others up, and we were doing this under the dim light of flashlights and cel phones, the moon an inconvenient thumbnail.

It took us more than an hour to set up the two of them, my kids probably learning more curse words than I wanted them to.

Setup didn't pass that much time, or get the power on any faster. Jared and Brenda, as much as I scolded them about it, occupied themselves with draining the batteries on their phones, Brenda with texts, Jared with some crystal puzzle game and Pokemon. My scolding only made them more secretive about playing with their phones. I gave up trying to fight it and brought out the telescope.

I showed the kids a few things, but they didn't act too interested. Even my wife seemed to be humoring me. 

Jared tried to use the telescope to check on the power lines, but found no sign of workers or trucks. "I don't think they reached our block yet."

"I know," I said. "Let's set up a campfire and tell ghost stories."

"It's too hot for a fire," Brenda moaned.

"Fine. How about a flashlight?"

"And you're upset about us wasting batteries."

"Okay, no flashlight. We can still tell spooky stories..."

"Honey," my wife said. "If you scare Jared, he won't want to go to bed. He's already scared of the dark."

"It's a story, not a horror movie."

"You couldn't scare a baby with your dumb stories," Brenda agreed.

"Hey! You take that back, young lady!"

She just put her hands on her hips and waited for me to tell one.

I told that story about the girl whose head was only being held on her neck by a ribbon.

"Weak," said Brenda. 

Okay, so I'm a crap storyteller, and my delivery sucked. "All right. Then you tell one."

She didn't have one.

No one else did either, so I turned in early, kinda laid on my sleeping bag, staring at the domed roof of our tent.

My wife came in and laid next to me. "Are you still mad about me pulling Jared out of Scouts?"

I shrugged, shook my head. "I know you feel you're protecting him, but I'm telling you I never once got touched inappropriately. Plus adults are required to never be alone with a Scout. Two leaders at all times..."

She'd heard me say similar things before. She was giving me that look.

"No, I'm not still angry. He really didn't like going anyway."

Freddy barged his way in, drooling, stomping all over my crotch, my stomach. "Guess we should have zipped the flap."

"It's too hot for that."

"Guess I don't need my balls anyway."

My wife laughed.

The dog slurped us both in the face, padded around our sleeping bags and lay down.

"I swear, every time it aims right for my balls."

Karen chuckled. "Maybe it's because they're soft."

I stared out into the yard. Brenda was still on the back step, texting away. "Would you care if I didn't have any genitals?"

"What makes you say that? Think you got cancer or something?"

"No, I'm just wondering...would it matter to you?"

She sighed. "We already have two kids. I don't want to go through that anymore."

"I'm not saying I want that. But I mean, you know..." I gesticulated, hoped she'd get the idea. "We could use a device. Protection. But you don't seem to be interested at all."

"I...dunno..." She rolled over to face me. "On a related note, have you been wearing my dresses?"

I swallowed. "What...makes you think that?"

"I've found a couple with creases in them."

My face flushed red. "Maybe? Why?"

"You trying out for the other team?" I opened my mouth to say something, but she added, "I didn't know I was making you that desperate."

"You kinda are."

"You poor man!" Karen mocked. "So, you're saying, because I didn't...you..."

My blush deepened. "Actually, I had fantasies about my wife being a lesbian."

She laughed out loud about this, but then stopped because I didn't laugh with her. "You're serious."

I shrugged. 

"That's...really..."

"Kinky?" I supplied.

She chuckled through her nose. "That's one way to describe it."

"Fine," I sighed. "What's your fantasy?"

Before she could answer, Jared burst into the tent. "It's dark in my room. I'm scared."

"If you were in Scouts," I said. "You'd have to sleep in your own tent. In the dark."

"Well I'm not!"

"Someday you're going to have to face your fear, or you're going to have some serious problems."

"Police uniforms," my wife whispered.

That made me chuckle.

"Police uniforms?" Jared asked, bewildered.

"I was asking her what we might wear for Halloween."

"Your father could be the girl cop."

Jared laughed at this, but I raised an eyebrow. 

"I think you should do it, dad. It would be funny."

"Funny," my wife said with a smirk.

"You sure, honey?" I asked. "I mean, I imagine it would be (ahem) funnier to you if I wore a men's uniform."

"Let's just say I might warm to the humor."

"Of course, uh, the question is, when..."

"Halloween, of course," Jared muttered, half asleep.

My wife rolled her eyes. I turned over and shut my own.

I awoke to the sound of something beating against the roof of the tent. Freddy was barking her head off, shaking the sides.

"Honey, what-" my wife groaned.

"Dad! Dad!" I heard Jared crying. "Help me! Help me!"

I glanced next to me and found my son dozing peacefully. The noises seemed to be coming from outside.

Frowning, I rushed out, looked up and saw a large Canada goose hopping back and forth on the nylon dome.

The bird looked straight at me and shouted, "Dad! Help me!" in my son's voice.

"I must be dreaming," I said, but slapping myself didn't do anything.

All of a sudden, my son sat up on the air mattress and honked at me.