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Funny Romance Science Fiction

This story contains themes or mentions of physical violence, gore, or abuse.

Striding onto a stage in a suit made from a disco ball and the smooth silk of Barry White’s last breath, the host raised the mic to his lips and winked into camera one.

            “Hello one, hello all. Love is here and it’s time to fall!” His classic catchphrase drew raucous applause from a crowd of men and women strapped into their seats to stop them rushing the stage.

            Teeth whiter than a diamond bought with mayonnaise flashed to the audience and the crowds at home. Paramedics rushed to aid the men and women who had already fainted from the heat of his charisma.

            “Today, we have one of our older contestants. You wouldn’t know to look at her, but Kirsten is three hundred years old.” Flicking hair the was slick with the wet dreams of half the viewers behind his ear, Eros Cruz gave one fan a heart attack with a single wink.

            A platform descended to the stage, lights swinging from Cruz to show Kirsten in a black cocktail dress, hair down. Taking Eros’ hand, she stepped behind a podium titled with her name in pink.

            A wolf whistle in the crowd prompted electrocution for the man responsible. Kirsten smiled, showing teeth whitened by the sacrifice of countless lives.

            “You don’t look a day older than twenty,” Eros told her, barely hiding a look at her cleavage.

            “Unlike your girlfriends Mr Cruz, I am.”

            The crowd gave a loud ooooh, and some booed.

            “Kirsten hails from the old country, whichever that one is?” He shrugged, eyes glowing with the gleam of a man years into a cocaine habit to beat his stage fright. “She speaks fourteen languages fluently, what a talented tongue.” He winked again, sending a ninety-year-old man in the front row into cardiac arrest.

            “I’m more known for my teeth,” she smiled, giving him the menace of a girl who just wants to get drunk at the bar without every married man for a hundred miles trying his luck. “And I’d prefer my partner gets to know what’s up here.” She tapped her glistening auburn hair.

            “Yes, your cut is spectacular. You know I’ve always wanted to try an older woman.” Mr Cruz’s hand moved from her shoulder to her back. Using telekinesis she’d acquired somewhere between her 100th and 150th birthdays, she moved the hand up again.

            “And yet you always manage to settle for someone young enough to be your daughter, it’s a hard life, isn’t it Mr Cruz?” She winked to him.

            “Yes, well I think it’s time to meet our contestants,” said the host, throwing up his hand to show the golden curtain hanging over half the stage.

            The curtain fell away, revealing an android, a centaur, and an ape as tall as any of them with upright posture.

            “First, we have Simon Borg. He came back from the future to save us all, but first he needs to save himself.” Canned applause played as Simon waved to the cameras. “Second we have Oscar Wildhoof, he’s a stallion looking for someone to take him by the reigns.” Oscar blew Kirsten a kiss and spread his arms wide, showing off a prominent six pack. “Someone get that guy a shirt,” Eros said, fake laughing as he died just a little more inside from envy. His abs had been the work of surgery and were already returning to normal. “Last but by no means least we have Simian Conqueror, the name says it all. He’s the greatest tactical mind in the world and one day we might all bow to him, give it up for Simian.”

            There was no applause, real or canned. The ongoing conquest of Europe and Asia at Simian’s hands was a sore point for everyone less shallow than Eros.

            “So, over to Kirsten. What’s your first question for the boys?” Smiling as if looking into his changing room mirror, the host tried to make winking love to his own reflection.

            “Well. Men.” Kirsten put emphasis on the adult instead of ‘boys.’ “If you’re taking me out for a meal, where are we going first?” As camera two tried to zoom in on her face for a shot of her chest in the dress, the cameraman suffered a spontaneous fractured wrist.

            “Simon,” prompted Eros.

            “I’ve downloaded every recipe known to man, tell me your favourite and I’ll cook it to perfection, every time.” The android tried to wink to the vampire, but it looked more like a glitch.

            “Oscar?”

            “I’d take you on a ride through the countryside to a wonderful tavern I know that’s extra cosy, for you, me and the moonlight.” Being Johnny Bravo’s biggest fan, the centaur posed to show off his arms, getting some wolf whistles from the crowd.

            “Excellent, Simian?”

            “Soon the world will be mine, I can have any chef you like cook for you in any one of my palaces, every night.” The descendant of lab chimps leaned on his lectern and gave the crowd a menacing grin.

            “Alright, what do you think about that Kirsten? Any of those options tickle your fancy?” Eros raised his eyebrows suggestively.

            “Knowing every recipe ever is cool, but what the boys forgot is I only drink blood. Sounds like Simian might have plenty of that to spare.” Kirsten made her own eyebrows jump for the conqueror.

            “Alright, so the ruthless warlord is off to a strong start, maybe we shouldn’t be surprised.” The host tilted his head and pushed his shades back up his nose to hide the crow’s feet surgeons had failed to amputate. “What’s your next question, my lady?”

            “Not your lady, or anyone’s. My next question is are you going to keep up when we take it upstairs?” The audience gave a scandalised ooh.

            Without prompting, Simon answered. “Unlike fully organic life, I don’t need to rest, and I can be plugged into the mains like all good toys. I also have a vibrate setting.” He smiled his very human face and made a gun with metal hands. The hands started to shake so quickly they were hard to see. Sounds of appreciation came from the crowd.

            “Oscar, what will you do to keep Kirsten coming back?”

            “I’d say I’m hung like a horse, but that would be humble. I’ve got four legs, darling. You can ride me all night.” He tensed every muscle, looking like an anatomy diagram.

            “Simian?”

            “You will bathe in the blood of my enemies to your cold heart’s content. I promise you, I’m quite an animal.” His cruel smile sent a beam of cold air across the room. Kirsten seemed to glow within it.

            “What do you think of that then, gorgeous?” Eros asked.

            “Kirsten, my name is Kirsten. They all made some great cases there. I liked Simon’s talk of a vibrate setting. That got me curious.”

            “Last question now, Kirsten. What are you going to ask the men here?”

            “Would you deny yourself the light to be with me forever?” Kirsten asked. Her flirty voice was gone. Her smile had faded to nothing. For the first time since her descent, she truly looked undead inside, skin taking on a hint of blue.

            “Deep.” Eros smirked. “Simon?”

            “I would protect you from this day to the end of time. We will live by the light of the moon and share eternity.” His earnest speech was delivered with the poise and voice of a Shakespearean actor. He was the kind of boy that mothers wanted their daughters to come home with, while they dreamt of scoundrels like Eros Cruz.

            “The moon has a special significance to centaurs. We’ve worshipped it for millennia. Come and spend your nights with me. We can sleep through the endless days together until the sun fades from the blackened sky.” He posed like the worst actor in a straight to DVD flop, reaching for something that wasn’t Kirsten, a camera, or visible.

            Eros just shook his head in confusion and nodded to contestant number three. “Simian?”

            The ape gave the other two contestants a good look at his middle finger. “We both know the night is when real work gets done. My armies march faster in the darkness, untouched by the heat of the day. By my side you can feast on the fallen or kill until you’ve drunk yourself crazy. I will never judge the hunger within you. I feel it as well. Together we can rule the world.” Simian straightened his suit and cracked his hairy knuckles.

            “Well Kirsten, who’s it going to be?” Eros grinned, he loved the pun names at the end. “Contestant number one, the love machine? Contestant number two, the rapscallion stallion? Or contestant number three, the lord of love?”

            Boos and hisses followed mention of Simian. He mouthed silent swear words at the audience then looked with calm composure at the woman who held their fate in her hands.

            “You’re all great guys. Under normal circumstances I think any of you could woo me.” Kirsten tucked her hair behind her ears and brushed her podium aside with the power of her mind. “But only one of you offered me the world.”

            Simon hung his head. Oscar looked around; blank faced. Simian nodded as if it had always been certain. He strode towards the vampire with his hand held out to take hers.

            “Well, I’m sure they’ll get up to plenty of monkey business-” Eros Cruz’s head exploded. Kirsten shook her head.

            Simian, who had been going to shoot the host for the joke, put his silenced pistol away in his jacket again.

            The audience screamed. Lights dimmed. Kirsten wrapped her arms around Simian’s shoulders and kissed his puckered lips.

            Let loose, the crowd ran for the emergency exits.

            The conqueror and the immortal strolled away, hand in hand.

            Oscar scratched his head. “Wait, does that mean she didn’t pick me?”

August 02, 2022 13:11

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25 comments

L. E. Scott
17:17 Aug 02, 2022

Interesting take on the prompt. I enjoyed reading your mix of occult and scifi futuristic game show.

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Graham Kinross
21:12 Aug 02, 2022

Thank you.

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Ron Davidson
01:15 Aug 05, 2022

Graham! Such a cool approach to the prompt! I enjoyed reading your story. -Ron

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Graham Kinross
01:36 Aug 05, 2022

Thank you Ron, very kind of you.

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K.T. Jayne
17:28 Aug 04, 2022

No rules! Loved the combination of genres in this, and the humour. Very original take on the game show format and unique characters.

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Graham Kinross
05:57 Aug 06, 2022

Thank you K.T.

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Sonia Walcott
18:32 Oct 22, 2022

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Lilah Hazard
15:32 Aug 11, 2022

I love the take on the whole Love show and Fantasy creatures! It hooked me all throughout! Keep it up!

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Graham Kinross
19:31 Aug 11, 2022

Thank you Lilah. If you’re interested in reading what happens next then I’ve uploaded the next chapter of this. https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/qjy864/

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Lilah Hazard
20:21 Aug 11, 2022

Thank you so much!

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Michał Przywara
21:02 Aug 10, 2022

Great :) The characters make this a funny story, but I also like how it leans heavily into the cheesy show trope. There's the over-enthusiastic audience, the host who maybe doesn't really want to be there, some friction with the guests. Of course, there's also all the over the top components, where it unapologetically blends fantasy, sci-fi, and dating show. I could see this being a skit or animated short. "There was no applause, real or canned. The ongoing conquest of Europe and Asia at Simian’s hands was a sore point for everyone les...

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Graham Kinross
19:33 Aug 11, 2022

Eros glued eyes to screens, that’s all the network cares about.

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L.M. Lydon
14:52 Aug 10, 2022

A vampire as reality show bachelorette- that's just plain fun. I enjoyed the creative contestant selection as well.

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Graham Kinross
17:31 Aug 10, 2022

Thank you. This is one of my favourite series to write.

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Zack Powell
02:56 Aug 10, 2022

Nice job here, Graham! I was expecting to see some Funny stories for this particular prompt, but I hadn't anticipated seeing a SciFi spin on it. This turned out really fun because every single character in here is certifiably insane, and that made reading this a blast. Plus, you just KNOW this show would be Television Gold if it existed. Given some of the shows we have now, I think it's very believable that there would be a show like this in this universe. Nice humor, fun cast of characters, and a creative narrative. You hit the trifecta. T...

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Graham Kinross
05:13 Aug 10, 2022

Thank you for reading, commenting and complimenting. That put a smile on my face.

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Beth Jackson
08:26 Aug 07, 2022

What an intriguing concept, Graham! I enjoyed the humour in the piece and definitely got a surprise at the end hahaha. :-)

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Graham Kinross
09:00 Aug 07, 2022

Thank you. So did Oscar!

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Graham Kinross
06:39 Aug 07, 2022

The next story is up if you want to read it. https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/qjy864/

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Michelle Konde
01:35 Aug 07, 2022

The opening sentences was primo. Disco balls and Barry White's breath? Yes! Then the Johnny Bravo reference? I really enjoyed all the elements and creativity. Great job!

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Graham Kinross
04:14 Aug 07, 2022

Thank you Michelle it’s part of a series I’ve been working on for a while. This was the first. https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/00pr5k/

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Michelle Konde
01:27 Aug 08, 2022

I'll have to check it out.

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Graham Kinross
05:16 Aug 08, 2022

Thank you.

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Mike Panasitti
03:35 Aug 05, 2022

Imaginative depiction of the male libido as machine, horse-man, and alpha simian. Feminine sexuality as a vampire. What a match up! This story gives my latest characters inferiority complexes. In all seriousness, quite funny.

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Graham Kinross
05:57 Aug 06, 2022

Thanks Mike.

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