My last will and testament

My last will and testament

Dear parents, 

You know I hated you, right?

The only thing that made me happy in my life is Leevinstaff. Emma and Nahyun. 

I had been thinking of killing myself everyday. And I had bipolar disorder. Guess you were too busy with your stupid lives to even notice that. You call yourselves parents? Parents take care, give shelter, and love you and protect you with all their hearts. You guys are overprotective, don't understand the concept of fun or relaxing, and you keep me locked in the house.

Tell Emma that even though we fought a lot, she has been my very best friend ever since I approached her in the playground and talked to her. I love her weirdness and cute personality.

Tell Nahyun that she is so amazing and nice. I love her and she is one of the nicest people ever. And even though she had personality disorder, I loved her no matter what she acted like.

Tell HJ and Evan I owe them some candies. Buy some and give them to them. The money for it is in my wallet next to my bed. Buy them a bucket each and tell them I apologize for being late.

Tell HJ thanks for all the times he gave me snacks and the lunch passes that got me eating lunch outside. I really owe him.

Give my accessories to Nahyun or Kiyora or Emma. They deserve it. And they would look fabulous in it. The other girls don't match my taste I don't think.

Tell Mr. Tully that he is the greatest teacher ever. He was so fun and hilarious, and he made learning fun. Having a teacher like him was a blessing from above. Thank him for changing my world.

Tell Miss Tracy that she was the smartest and nicest librarian ever. She recommended a ton of good books for me that kept me busy on a lazy day. I recommend that she reads the book called 13 reasons why if she hasn't yet. It's really meaningful and cool.

My pictures...well, they meant a whole lot to me. There are pictures of Leevinstaff posing and laughing. Those pictures are edited so I look like a barbie. My eyes were meant to look big and cute, but instead looked kind of droopy. My hair was a mess too. It was like I was the only barbie in the world that wasn’t perfect. 

There is a picture of Emma eating a pizza that was too big for any normal sized human being. It was way too cheesy, and Nahyun and I had critiqued it quite harshly. I remember that after that, even Emma admitted that she thought it was huge. I helped her get a takeout box so she could take it home. 

There is a picture of Nahyun and I at a cafe with our masks on. My camera sampled as an x-ray type thing and so when the picture came out, the masks were a faded but strong green. At first, I thought it was super weird but realized that every memory counts. So I kept the picture. And let me tell you, I don’t regret it. 

There is a picture of Leevinstaff eating and drinking Starbucks. It's one of my favorites, because you know I loved Starbucks. My usual order when I hung out with them used to be an American waffle and an iced chai tea latte or vanilla cream frappuccino. Emma’s usual order was a dark mocha chip frappuccino with extra cream and extra sauce. Don’t forget the extra. Nahyun loved chocolate doughnuts and waffles. She used to drink a Starbucks Latte. Sometimes, even when we were too young to be allowed to drink coffee, we would go crazy and drink as much coffee as we could. We got in trouble later too, but let me tell you. It was worth it. 

Burn the pictures. It's the only way they will burn out of life, like my soul. They won't disappear, they will be left in memory. So burn them.

Give Mia my books. I don't care if she's read them, give them to her as memories of me. If she wants them. Tell her I hope she enjoys. And I wrote some book reviews on slips of paper that I kept for bookmarks. Those are important. Maybe even more important than the books themselves.

For our band, Kevin and the Kevins, well. I had a lot of memories. We were just randomly thinking of names to call ourselves for the day. Emma had chosen the name Kevin. And it fit. Maybe too perfectly. Then, all of us, Emma, Nahyun, Kiyora, Mia, and I, started calling ourselves Kevin. Even our last names were Kevin. The band was called Kevin and the Kevins, and our first song was called I’m a Kevin. I remember that we only made one song and nothing after that. That was pretty sad.

And even before Nahyun came, we had our own little group. The Dream Team, as Mr. Tully had called us. We were our own little perfectionist group, parts of a rainbow. Kiyora was the model, Mia was the smart one, Emma was the funny and weird one, and I was the Mom. The tough, fighting, weird but cool mom.

I know I’m gonna miss all that. Emma and Nahyun the most. I hope you’re not crying all over this paper right now because I would hate it if the last thing I had touched before I died was also touched by you guys. I mean, of course you were gonna touch it, but crying? Gross. Obviously not what you guys would normally do. Maybe if you did cry, it meant you loved me. Huh. But you didn't show it, so too late, I guess.

You are going to show this to Leevinstaff. Or well, Leevin, because my Staff is not in there anymore. I mean, I’m already dead. I hope you understand that it was just time, you know. I couldn’t handle your crap anymore, always making me stressed and under pressure. This was the way that I ended it. By literally ending it.

I fucking hate you guys.